Epilogue Holden #3
From the kitchen, I see Dad on the back patio wearing an apron that says Boss of the Sauce.
Like Amelia, he looks healthy. More whole.
The three of us have been attending grief counseling at the medical center, and the change in him has been tangible.
He’s abandoned the den and now works at the shop nearly every day.
He says he’ll never date again, and I don’t push him, even though I worry about him being alone after Amelia starts school.
But she’s promised Dad to spend most weekends and summers at home.
And he’s welcome at our home any time.
“There they are,” Dad says, shutting the screen behind him and coming to give Holden a hug. He winks at me over his shoulder—which means Amelia spilled the beans to him. “I hear your aunt and uncle are joining us.”
“Hope that’s okay, Jerry. Not a lot of advance warning. For me either, come to think of it.”
“Of course it’s okay,” Dad says. “More family the merrier.”
On cue, we hear the front door open, and Beatriz calls from the entry.
“Hello? I am coming in.”
I grin, and Holden goes to greet the woman who’s been—until today—the only family Holden’s ever had.
When he came back to Santa Cruz, she was the first visit he made after me.
I wasn’t there to see their reunion, but Holden came back with his eyes puffy and red but happy.
Another broken piece falling back into place.
Holden returns from the front with Beatriz, her hand tucked in the crook of his arm.
Like she might when she walks him down the aisle?
I rein in the thoughts that are too dangerously hopeful. Holden has spent most of his life in a prison of some kind or another—a loveless house, Alaska, the sanitarium… Maybe it’s asking too much, too soon.
Amelia reads my expression and pulls me aside while Dad greets Beatriz with a kiss on the cheek. “Second thoughts?”
“None. Except, what if—”
“No chance.”
“It’s only been a year…”
“A year and a hundred lifetimes,” Amelia says. “I see it. Everyone sees it. How much you love each other is the most beautiful thing.”
“I wish Mom could see it.”
“She can.” Amelia gives my arm a squeeze. “She sees everything.”
“River, meu doce menino,” Beatriz says and comes over to pat my cheek. “You are looking very handsome tonight, doesn’t he?” she asks the room, her hands over her heart.
I laugh and bend to kiss her cheek. “Hello, Beatriz. So happy to see you.”
She takes my face in her hands. “Meu Deus. Look at your man!” she says to Holden. “So beautiful tonight. What is the occasion? Is it my birthday?”
I shoot Amelia a panicked look, and she swoops in to take Beatriz to the kitchen with Dad, asking her advice on the wild rice.
Holden leans his shoulder into mine. “Nothing like watching your seventy-year-old auntie lust after your boyfriend.”
“She has good taste.”
Holden busts out laughing, but the doorbell ringing cuts it off with a choked sound. His face pales slightly. “They’re here.”
“I’m on it!”
Amelia breezes past us for the door and comes back with Margaret and Reginald. He’s carrying a bottle of sparkling cider, and she has a bouquet of sunflowers. They’re introduced to Dad, and they hug Beatriz as if she were an old friend instead of a former employee.
My hand goes to the box in my pocket. I wasn’t expecting a larger audience. My nerves stretch tighter until I see Holden with Margaret and Reginald, talking and smiling easily, and I realize the night just got more perfect.
Dinner is served, and we all sit and pass around wild rice, asparagus in melted butter, warm rolls, salad, and grilled halibut that Dad cooked to perfection.
But the food is almost tasteless in my mouth.
Every bite, every minute takes me closer to the moment.
I look across the table at Holden. He’s sitting between his uncle and Beatriz.
He catches me watching, and I fully expect him to do something suggestive with an asparagus spear.
But he’s behaving himself. Subdued but in a peaceful way.
Do I want to ruin that? Freak him out? Make him run for the nearest exit?
I force myself to calm down before I freak out. From my right, Margaret touches my wrist and gestures at the empty chair at the head of the table, opposite Dad.
“Are we waiting for one more person?”
My stomach clenches, and Amelia bows her head for a moment.
“My wife, Nancy—River and Amelia’s mom—passed away three years ago,” Dad says. “Cancer.”
Holden looks stricken. “Fucking hell, I should have told you…”
“Not at all,” Margaret says. “There is so much for us to catch up on. I’m very sorry for your loss. All of you.”
“Thank you,” Amelia says. “After dinner, I’ll show you some photos of her. If you’d like.”
Reginald smiles. “We’d like that very much.”
The heavy moment passes and settles into something warm and deep, and the conversation flows easily with our mother now included and so much more than an empty chair.
But time feels like it’s rushing out from under me. I take a sip of water; my throat’s parched, and before I know it, the dishes are cleared. Coffee and dessert—Beatriz’s homemade pé de moleque, squares of peanuts and molasses—are served. Amelia kicks me under the table.
I heave a breath and start to rise when Dad beats me to it.
“Typically, we do this at the beginning of the meal, but better late than never.” Dad stands and holds up his water glass. “To Margaret and Reginald. Holden has become such an important part of our family, and we’re so happy to have you here too. To family.”
We all raise our glasses. Dad smiles at me proudly.
Over the last year, we’d had a lot of talks about my relationship with Holden.
It took Dad some getting used to the idea, but he wasn’t homophobic.
Like me, he thought football had a default setting, and his desire to see me excel at the sport clouded everything else.
My happiness with Holden, he said, was better than any Super Bowl victory.
“Although I wouldn’t mind one of those either,” he’d teased.
I smile and watch Holden endure Beatriz smacking a kiss on his cheek. He’s surrounded by love, and I know there’s a part of him that still doubts it’s all real.
My nervousness fades as the surety of my love for him rushes through me.
I could wait five more years, but why? There will never be anyone else for me but him.
I’ve known this since the beginning. Holden can say no to me, but at least he’ll never wonder if my love is temporary.
Never fear I’ll abandon him or leave him out in the cold.
I clear my throat and stand up. “I have something to say.”
All eyes are on me, and Amelia is already pressing a napkin to her mouth.
“First, I’m not good at making speeches. But tonight turned out to be better than I’d ever imagined. Reginald and Margaret, thank you for being here. Thank you for loving my Holden the way he deserves to be loved.”
Holden bows his head, shaking it slightly.
“You do,” I say to him. “You deserve so much, baby.”
I push my chair back and come around to his side of the table. Holden stares, his green eyes wide and disbelieving. I get down on one knee, and a sob erupts from Amelia, but she stifles it quickly. Beatriz’s hands are clasped to her heart, tears already streaming.
“What are you doing?” Holden whispers hoarsely.
“Making it real.”
I take his hand in mine, tears choking my throat. I have to get the words out before I fall apart.
“I love you, Holden. I love your humor and wit. I love how you’re always the best-dressed person in a room.
And the smartest. I love how you’d give away every penny of your wealth to someone you love without hesitation.
I love how you give it away to strangers.
You’ve been through hell, and I love how hard you fight, every day.
You’ve lost so much,” I say, and I know he understands I mean what his parents did to him, “and I don’t have much to give, but I can give you my name. If you’ll have it.”
I pull the box from my jacket pocket and open it. Holden stares at the band of Damascus steel with dozens of curved and flowing lines carved into its surface, like the whorls of a tree.
“Will you marry me?”
Holden’s gaze flickers to the ring and then to me. My breath is locked in my chest, and the room goes very still.
“Yes.”
He drops the word into the silence so softly I hardly hear it.
My hands tremble. “Yes?”
Holden smiles, and goddamn if it’s not the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
“Yes, River. I’ll marry you.” My heart clenches as he touches my cheek, no protective wit or deflective joke. “I don’t know how I made it through all the days until this one,” he says, echoing my words from a year ago on that beach.
The day he came back to me.
Sounds of barely contained emotion come from around us. With shaking hands, I take the ring from the box and slip it over his finger.
“It’s heavy,” he says, and I expect a joke about manacles or a ball and chain. But he’s still wearing that soft smile. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”
His thank you breaks my heart and fills it at the same time. I surge forward, craning up to kiss him as the room erupts in applause and sniffles. Amelia sags into Dad. Reginald hands Margaret a napkin, and Beatriz has covered her face entirely.
I press my forehead to Holden’s, and for a moment, the world becomes no one but him and me. We kiss and breathe against each other’s lips I love you, and my happiness knows no end because I know Holden not only feels it, but he believes it too.
***
We say our goodbyes and make plans for more dinners. More time together with this new family Holden and I have created.
The night is hot and sticky as we arrive back at our place. I peel off my jacket in the entry and pull my sweaty shirt away from my skin.
“I have flop sweat,” I say. “That was the most nerve-racking thing I’ve ever done.”