22. Deacon
Chapter 22
Deacon
Hot liquid ran down my throat, warming my insides from the frigid cold that didn’t seem to want to leave Pebble Brook Falls. Or maybe it was just Charlie’s absence that drove my bones to feeling frozen. I’d become selfish, not wanting her to leave my side even though we’d been in the same house for a few weeks now.
Charlie Banks had become the candlelight in my darkness, warding off the shadows of my past with just a simple smile. Helping me find laughter again. God, I couldn’t remember that last time I’d laughed this much. It had to have been years–before my time as a firefighter and maybe even before the war.
The way we connected last night had changed everything. This was no longer a quick fling that would end as soon as she was able to go back to the tiny cabin.
I wanted her.
I needed her.
And I’d never needed anything in my entire life. I’d always been a simple man, content with having very little. I preferred my alone time in the quiet, but ever since she burst into my life, I’d found everything before her dull and tiresome.
Charlie had brought me back to life and while I clung to the lightness in my chest, I was also terrified that something bad was going to happen. The fear ate away at me. It was like a gnat flying around, biting me every chance it got. It was too small to see how to get rid of it, but it was there. Sucking the joy out of the moments I shared with her.
Staring at the ground, I shook my head. I needed to figure my shit out because I saw the shift in her last night too. The look in her eyes had told me she was falling. That she was in this for the long haul.
And I wanted that too. Charlie saw through the razor-sharp barbed wire I kept around myself to the person I was before war and tragedy had tainted my existence. More than that, though, she helped me become that version of myself again.
I needed to be better for her.
I had to be.
Or I’d lose her. I knew it.
“Come on, boy!” she called to Casper who was taking a tentative step into the snow that was now only a few inches thick on the ground. Charlie was hesitant to let him outside after the hawk debacle, but I assured her that he was safe with me outside.
That didn’t stop me from having a talk with him about not venturing into any trees though. The little rascal was starting to grow on me. I liked having him around. I liked having both of them around.
A sinking feeling hit my stomach as I thought again about what it would be like without them here.
It would be quiet.
Too quiet.
Before, I had enjoyed the silence this house brought me. It kept my mind clear of things I didn’t want it to stray to. Now, the thought of silence had goosebumps skittering along my spine.
I needed to convince her to stay. That as crazy as it was, I was falling in love with her and the last thing I wanted was to be parted from her.
My chest ached as those bright blue eyes met mine from across the yard. So vibrant. So full of life. God, I hoped I wouldn’t suck it all from her. I hoped this wasn’t a fluke and that the parts of me she’d uncovered last night would stay visible. That I would be brave enough to stay in her light and not retreat back into my darkness.
She deserved to see the best of me.
Those long dark red tendrils of her hair fluttered in the wind making her look even more angelic against the white winterscape. I’d always thought she belonged on a beach somewhere. A place in the sunshine that would darken her adorable little freckles and show the shine of her hair. Somewhere that matched the warmth of her smile.
But after these weeks with her, I’d come to realize that she was exactly where she was meant to be.
With me.
“There you go! Don’t be scared, Casper!”
I smiled as Charlie patted her thighs, coaxing the little fluff ball to venture closer to her. When he finally made it all the way to Charlie, she scooped him up in a hug and spun around. Laughter—glorious, easy laughter—flitted through the air, lightening my chest and chasing away the remnants of my demons.
“You’re such a brave boy!” she crooned. Bringing her face close to his, she nuzzled her nose against Casper’s before looking back at me.
“What’re you doing up there all alone?”
I smiled. “Just watching.” Watching every little thing you do because you’re so damn perfect .
With a hand on her hip, she pouted. “That doesn’t sound like very much fun. Why don’t you come out here with us, Grumps?”
Oh, with pleasure, Sunshine.
Anywhere Charlie Banks called me to, I would follow. If Johnny or any of my military buddies were here to see me, they’d say I was pussy whipped. While I wouldn’t argue with them—I’d give my left nut to make sure I could claim Charlie’s sweet pussy as my own for the rest of my life—there was more to this than just sex.
She meant something to me. And I wasn’t sure the last time a woman—if any—had that kind of impact on me.
Setting my coffee mug on the railing of the porch, I trudged through the snow and stopped right in front of her. “Here I am, at your command. ”
She booped my nose with her pointer finger. “Now, isn’t this much better than being up there missing out on all the fun?”
Looking around us, I inhaled a heavy breath of the cold air, feeling it line my lungs with a needle-like sting. “And what sort of fun do you have in mind?”
There was a mischievous glint in her eyes and her pert little freckled nose twitched before she smiled widely. “A little friendly competition of sorts.”
“Why do I have a feeling I’m about to get ganged up on?” I rubbed my hand over Casper’s face as he purred.
“Because I’m a champion snowball fighter. And you’re about to lose.”
My head tilted back as I laughed. “Is that right?”
“Mmhmm.” She nodded, then bit her bottom lip.
“Didn’t you say the same thing about puzzle making? That you had far superior skills.”
She placed a hand on her hip and glowered at me. “And your point is?”
I tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “My point, Sunshine, is that you lost at puzzle making. Horribly, I might add.”
Her mouth popped open in shock before she swatted my arm. “Deacon Calhoun. I didn’t make you out as a liar!”
I chuckled. “The only one lying about their skills, sweetheart, is you.”
She gripped the lapels of my jacket and yanked me forward. Rising onto her tiptoes, she ran her teeth along the edge of my jaw before placing a kiss on my neck. “We’ll agree to disagree on this. Only because I hate arguing with you.”
I snorted before I grabbed her ass and gripped it hard. “Here I was thinking you got off on it.”
She snickered then bit her bottom lip as she batted her eyelashes at me.
I stole a chaste kiss before running my thumb along the edge of her rosy lip. “Keep biting that lip and I’ll strip you bare and fuck that sweet cunt of yours right here in the snow.”
Her eyes widened a fraction at my expletive, but she didn’t back down as she leaned forward and nipped at my ear lobe. “I’m not falling for it, Grumps. I’m about to beat your ass and then we’ll see who ends up bare in the snow.”
A feral sort of thrill ran through me at her challenge.
“It’s on.”
Leaving her stranded, I darted behind her and immediately started building a wall of snow. The ice bit into my skin as she squealed and darted away from me, finding a spot with Casper right in front of the porch.
She didn’t have a chance to start building her barrier before I nailed her in the shoulder with a snowball. Little flakes splattered everywhere.
Unimpressed with our game, Casper bounded for cover by the front door.
“Hey!” she shouted across the yard. “We didn’t say go yet!”
“Go!” I yelled back right before I threw another one her way then continued building up my little wall of ice.
Mist clouded around my mouth as I took in heavy breaths from the excitement. Something like joy flickered to life in my chest. I was having fun .
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt this light. All I knew is that ever since she’d come around, the feeling had started becoming more familiar.
I liked it.
Just as I lifted my head to see what she was doing, snow pummeled into my face.
“Woohoo! You suck! I win!” Charlie’s trill voice permeated the air.
Shaking my head back and forth, the snow fell from my face and I could see Charlie doing a little dance, wiggling her hips back and forth as she moved in a small circle.
With her back to me, I reeled my arm back and watched as the tightly packed ball of snow smacked her right in the ass. Startled, she gave a little hop and yipped.
Rising from the safety of my wall, I pointed at her and clutched my stomach as I laughed. “Who sucks now?!”
Whipping her hair around, she glared a hole into my face for a few moments. Then the second she darted beneath her wall again, I moved behind mine and started building a small artillery of snowballs.
When I came back up again, I realized she must have had the same idea as me because she started throwing snowball after snowball in my direction.
“You’re going down!” she laughed between each word, continuing to hurtle more snowballs at me—most of them missing their mark.
I followed suit, both of us rising from our stations. When I ran out, I knelt down, taking her hits while I packed together the biggest snowball I could manage.
Finished with my masterpiece, I lifted the monstrosity into the air, readying my attack. Her eyes flashed, growing wider as she realized what I’d done.
“No way!” she laughed and yelled at the same time, holding her hands up in defense.
Reeling my arm back, I grunted as I threw the giant snowball as hard as I could. I watched as it soared through the air. Like a punch to the gut, my stomach sank as I realized my aim was off. The snowball moved quickly several feet above Charlie’s head until it landed in a flurry of white onto the edge of the porch roof where there was still at least a foot of snow piled high.
Charlie craned her neck to look above her. Time slowed the moment I realized what I’d done. Two cracks formed along the edge of packed snow on the roof and it started to slide.
“Charlie!” I screamed just as the snow slipped from the roof. Charlie covered her head with her arms and ducked down just as the snow slammed into her back, forcing her to the ground.
My legs moved faster than ever before as I ran toward her submerged body. “No, no, no!” My heart lurched into my throat. I thought I was going to be sick, but I kept it down. Focusing solely on Charlie as I finally crossed the yard.
“Charlie!” I called to her through the snow as I slid to the ground and immediately started digging through .
Frozen to the bone, my hands ached as I clawed through the snow. Frigid wetness bit through my gloves from the effort, but I didn’t fucking care. Flashes of that day sprang to my mind as I kept digging. Images of her beautiful face, those bright blue eyes both terrified of her looming death and hopeful that I’d be able to save her.
I’ve done it again . I’ve fucked up the only good thing in my life . Oh, God. Oh, God!
My mind reeled with self-loathing as my chest squeezed so tight I couldn’t breathe.
“Charlie, please!” Something hot and wet started to roll down my face as my vision blurred. Tears. I hadn’t cried in years. Not since I came home from war without three of my brothers. Not since I had to watch as their bodies were buried, and their loved ones suffered.
But Charlie... Charlie was my fucking soul. The only person who could bring me back to life after every fucked-up thing I’d seen in this world. She was mine .
And I’d screwed up again. I couldn’t keep her safe. Just like I couldn’t keep my brothers safe.
“Charlie!” I cried out just as my hands uncovered her black puffer jacket. Moving faster, I moved the snow from her sides until I could reach around her stomach. Gripping her sides, I pulled her from the snow, the momentum jolting us backwards with her landing on top of me.
Scurrying to see if she was okay, I sat up and pulled her entire body into my lap. “Charlie! Please answer me. Please tell me you’re okay.” Her eyes were closed as I held her face between my hands, a large red mark already marred the right side of her beautiful face.
She blinked and a guttural sound escaped from my throat.
“Deacon.” Her voice was raspy as she settled those ice blue eyes on me. “Deacon, I’m okay.”
Drops of water splashed onto her cheeks and I realized my tears had fallen, leaving little wet marks on her freckled skin. She wrapped her arms around me when I brought her close to my chest and hugged her. I took in a deep breath of her warm vanilla scent and thanked whatever divine powers were at work that she was okay.
“Is Casper alright?”
Shit .
Not ready to let her go, I let her pull back only slightly so I could look around for the little guy. Thankfully, I saw him right away, sitting on the top of the porch steps watching us closely.
“He’s fine.”
She sighed with relief.
“Do you want to try to stand?” I asked, wanting to test her body for any sign of injuries.
When she nodded, I rose and helped to steady her with my arms. She staggered a little bit and my heart raced, nearly beating right out of my chest.
“Does anything hurt?”
She blinked, then looked around her body for a few seconds, moving her arms and legs a little. “Just some soreness in my lower back, but nothing sharp. ”
My lips tightened. “Charlie, I am so sorry.” My voice cracked on the last word. I cleared my throat, trying to ward off the thick emotions clogging it.
Her grip on my forearms tightened when she looked up at me. “Deacon, this wasn’t your fault.”
I looked off to the side because the angry red mark on her cheek was wrecking me. I knew it would bruise. That tomorrow morning, she’d wake up with a reminder of my stupidity and carelessness.
One day, she’d realize that I was no good. That the only thing she would get with me was a life filled with pain and regret. Then she’d leave. And I’d be left in the darkness once again.
So.
Many.
Thoughts.
Ran through my mind.
All of them dark. All of them without her.
“Deacon.” She pressed her palm to the side of my face, forcing me to look at her. “I promise you, I’m fine. It was just a freak accident.”
“That I caused.” I pounded a fist on my chest and hurt flashed across her face.
“Don’t do this to us.” Her words were barely a whisper. “Please don’t.”
“You need to stay away from me, Charlie. You’ll only get hurt.”
Tears welled in her eyes, and I hated myself for causing them, but I knew it was true. She had to stay away from me. What just happened was a sign. A reminder–the people I cared about always suffered. They always got hurt. It was better if I was alone.
So, I did the only thing I could think of to make sure she stayed safe.
I walked away from her.