23. Charlie
Chapter 23
Charlie
I’m losing him .
The thought struck me like a bolt of lightning as I sat across from him at the dining table. A deep frown was etched into his face—a constant reminder of what happened yesterday.
When I woke up this morning, blue and black splotches had appeared on my right cheek where my face met the compacted snow as I took the hit to my back and fell. Dazed from the impact, I admitted, it had been unnerving when I woke up in Deacon’s arms having to remember that seconds ago, I was buried under feet of snow.
He’d told me I’d probably lost consciousness for a few seconds, but that was almost all he’d said to me for the rest of the night. Aside from checking on my face and making sure I stayed awake for a long time in case I presented with any other symptoms of a concussion.
Deacon had changed in an instant. The light in his eyes from when we were having the snowball fight had snuffed out completely. He looked even worse than the first day I arrived, surprising him on his front porch. At least back then, he was angry.
Now, all I got was heavy silence and solemn looks. His silence was heartbreaking.
I can fix this ; I’d told myself this morning when I woke up in the bed we’d shared for two weeks now to find it empty for the first time. There was no good night kiss last night and he had stayed on his side of the bed, leaving me alone in the darkness.
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I told him I wanted to work on the puzzle hoping it would break the icy barrier between us and he’d finally talk to me.
It worked…sort of. He’d sat down across from me and stared at the scattered pieces. But at least he was here and not brooding in some other part of the house.
Acting as normal as possible, I slipped one of the pieces into place. “Boom,” I attempted in an excited voice only for it to come out in a flat whisper.
Peering at him through my eyelashes, I caught him looking at me, but he immediately averted my gaze. I dipped my head lower, trying to get him to look at me.
Nothing.
I rubbed at my aching chest.
Frustration and hurt simmered in my veins. After all we’d shared together and after everything I’d thought we’d overcome from the past and he was choosing to let an accident get in the way of something really special. I wouldn’t stand for it. Wouldn’t allow him to take this away from us.
I hated what he was doing. A sense of betrayal struck me in the heart. It was just like those days I’d spent in the hospital. Not a single friend came to visit me. I was alone in the fight. Abandoned. Tossed to the side without care.
But this . With him . It was much worse.
Because I’d given Deacon my heart. He had it in the palm of his hand and he’d just decided to throw it away. Like I was nothing .
Tears blurred my vision, but I refused to wipe them away. If he looked at me, I wanted him to see what he was doing to me—to us. This was a choice. And he was choosing wrong.
Just when I opened my mouth to tell him everything I was thinking, Casper jumped onto the table. Puzzle pieces slid to the side, some of them falling to the floor as he trotted across the table and sat right in front of Deacon.
Meow.
Casper nudged Deacon’s chin with his nose and gave him two licks on the cheek. He’d never given me a kiss before. Not once.
I held my breath as Deacon sat back in his chair, putting distance between him and Casper. Then he slipped his hands under Casper’s belly and set him down on the floor.
A loud shriek permeated the air as I slid my chair back with force. I couldn’t stay in here any longer and watch him bury his head in the sand—blinding himself to what he had right in front of him. The love he had in this house and how he was ruining it for himself.
I could feel his eyes on me as I trailed into the kitchen and made myself a cup of hot chocolate.
“ Chocolate will never let you down, honey, ” my mother used to always say when I would come home with hurt feelings from school or when I got a poor grade on a test. She’d always break me off a piece of her dark chocolate bar and once the delicious bite melted onto my tongue, I knew she was right.
There would never be a day when chocolate disappointed me.
As I took a long sip from the steaming mug, I let it calm my nerves. The frustration started to dissipate, and I felt my mind clear. Taking a deep breath in, I let my shoulders drop and tried to let go of the anger. Anger was just fear in another form and if I didn’t want Deacon to let fear win, I couldn’t either.
Peeking around the corner, I saw Deacon was still in his seat at the table, staring blankly at the wall. He was so far into his own mind, I thought he might stay trapped there forever. Unable to see that he had a way out. He didn’t have to live like this anymore.
Setting the mug of hot cocoa on the kitchen island, I knew I had to do something. Deacon had fought to save my life, risking himself in the process. There was no way I could just leave him to his own devices when he was down this bad. No matter how much it hurt to be on the receiving end of his rejection, I had to try and figure this out.
Taking another deep breath and letting it go, I rounded the kitchen wall and headed toward him. A muscle ticked along his jaw when I moved closer. I could tell there were a lot of things moving around in his mind. So many things he probably wanted to say but couldn’t.
But we didn’t have to talk. I could show him how much he meant to me.
Attempting to do just that, I stopped behind him and ran my hands over his shoulders and down his chest as I hugged him from behind. Placing a kiss to the cuff of his ear, I saw the goosebumps rise along his skin, but he still didn’t move. He was a stone, lodged in his seat. Unmoving. Relentlessly stubborn.
So, I craned my neck until our lips were close. He glanced at me, and I saw the flash of pain in his eyes. Like just a simple look in my direction caused him such agony, he couldn’t do it for too long.
It broke my heart. Splintering it into a million pieces.
Still, I wouldn’t stop. He hadn’t stopped trying to save me, even when his side was burned badly, and he could hardly walk. He’d found the strength to stand and carry me to safety.
Now, it was my turn to carry him.
Moving in, I tried to kiss the corner of his mouth, but he shifted his face away from me.
“Deacon,” I pleaded, fighting against the coarseness in my throat. “Talk to me, please.”
I knelt beside him and rested my hands on his thigh. When he didn’t respond, I continued. “I can’t begin to imagine what kind of battles you have to face every day given everything you’ve witnessed in your life. But what happened yesterday was not your fault. It was an accident. And I’m right here.” My voice cracked on a sob, the emotions I tried to keep hidden under layers of frustration were breaking through.
“I’m right here,” I whispered again. “Can’t you at least look at me?”
Those beautiful green eyes finally shifted as his head turned and he looked right at me. “You’re not safe with me, Charlie.” His voice was low and rough from being silent for so long. “I think we’ve proven that time and again now.”
I shook my head in confusion. “I’m the safest I’ve ever been with you, Deacon. I trust you with my life.”
“And look where that got you yesterday,” he snarled.
Shocked by his anger, I recoiled. He blinked and dread consumed his face. “I’m not good. I’m too fucked up.”
“Don’t say that!” I cried, gripping onto his forearm.
“It’s true.” Silver lined his eyes, and my heart broke a little more. “Everyone who gets close to me either dies or gets hurt. That’s the way it's been for a long time. And there’s no way in hell I’m going to let that happen to you. Not anymore.”
“So, you just get to choose to end things between us because you’re scared? What about what I want?” I slid my hands into his and gripped hard. “Deacon, I’m falling in love with you.”
His eyes widened in surprise. It was the most reckless thing I’d ever let myself do—falling for him. But there was no helping it. He was the one I wanted.
The tenderness in his eyes stayed there for a few more moments, then something shifted. He pulled his hands away from mine and his face turned to stone.
“Love doesn’t fix things, Charlie. This world isn’t some fairyland you’ve dreamt up in your mind. It’s harsh and terrible shit happens every single day.” His nostrils flared and I knew he was internally fighting against every word that came out of his mouth. I could see it in his eyes. The way he warred with himself. How his past tarnished his present and future. He was being vicious with me so I would be the one to walk away.
“I don’t pretend to live in a fairyland world, Deacon. But I do know that we have something special. We’ve always had something special, but you’ve been too scared to let yourself have it for longer than two seconds. You’re running away from a good thing!” The words were harsh. I knew it. I just needed him to see how ridiculous he was being. How fear wasn’t going to give him the life he wanted.
But maybe that was it. He carried so much guilt from things that have happened in his past that he doesn’t want to let himself be happy.
He looked at me. Silence rang around us as I watched my world unfurl in his eyes right before he said, “This”—he gestured his hands between us—“isn’t going to work.”
“You don’t mean that.” Tears spilled down my face as my throat closed tight. “You don’t mean that!”
“I do.” He cried with me. The green of his eyes was bright as a blade of grass from the gloss of his tears. “If you stay here, you’ll get hurt and I can’t have that.” His hand moved to reach for my face, but he stopped himself. It fell to his lap with a light thud.
“Fight for me,” I whispered. “Fight for us.” I needed confirmation from him. I needed him to fight for us.
If he was willing, I’d stay with him through all of this. I’d battle his demons right beside him. But if he wouldn’t fight with me…
The last shred of my heart scattered to the wind as Deacon rose from his seat and walked past me, leaving me sitting on the floor, hurting worse than the flames from that fire that nearly took my life.