24. Charlie
Chapter 24
Charlie
Drops of my tears splashed onto the paper as I finished the note for Deacon. He was still in the garage, hammering away at something. The beats became an endless drone after almost an hour of him taking his emotions out on whatever piece he was working on.
He was out there, all alone, when he should have been in here with me trying to figure out how we could move forward from this.
Echoes of his words played out in my mind. He thought he was no good. That love wouldn’t be enough to keep me safe. Through his eyes, the world was an unjust place that took and took and took from him, but I saw the complete opposite. Everyone suffered. He wasn’t alone in the pain of being human. Bad things happened to good people all the time. But we had a choice to let the pain of our misfortunes swallow us whole or we could fight and see all the good that surrounded us. The good that held us steady through the storms.
I couldn’t stand his hammering silence any longer. I needed to get out of this cabin. I needed to get some fresh air and a new perspective on how to get through to him.
Placing my empty hot chocolate mug over the edge of the note so it would stay, I knelt to the floor where Casper was sitting patiently, swishing his tail back and forth.
“I’m going to head into town for a little bit, buddy. I’ll be back tonight to feed you dinner.” He nudged my hand as I ran it over the top of his head and gave him scratches between his ears.
Despite what was happening between us, I knew Deacon would take care of him in my short absence. I just… My heart couldn’t take the weight of the reminders of the joy this cabin held. Everything was a constant reminder of the affection I shared with Deacon and how he was choosing to let it be destroyed by fear.
Rising, I gathered my purse and keys after slipping my coat on. The snow had melted just enough for me to drive. I’d head into town. Maybe walk around for a little bit, then come back.
Back to where I belonged.
If Deacon would still have me.
The bruise on my cheek stung when the winter air hit it as I stepped onto the front porch. A hawk’s cry rang loudly above me. Another reminder of how Deacon had risked himself for my happiness when he got Casper down from the tree.
The shards of my heart stuck me deep in my chest. Every part of my soul ached and wept.
It was one thing to make a choice that led to your own heartbreak. But it was quite another to have the choice made for you. My hands were tied and I was running out of options.
Stepping down the porch stairs, the edge of my right boot slipped out from underneath me.
I let out a startled yip as I caught myself with the railing. There was a stitch in my left knee from the quick bend, but otherwise I was alright. Closing my eyes for a moment, I took in a deep breath, feeling the air line my lungs with a subtle sting that broke through the onslaught of endless thoughts. I settled on that feeling, taking another breath in.
Leaving this place—if only for a little while—felt wrong. This cabin and these days with Deacon had etched themselves into my bones. Leaving marks that would be there for the rest of my life. This place was a part of me now and I, a part of it.
Opening my eyes, I knew what needed to be done. We both needed space. Clarity. And that was something I could give us. It was the one thing I was in control of.
Carefully, I bounded down the remaining steps and got into my car.
Turning the key over, the engine sputtered, then died. “Come on,” I coaxed it, giving it another try to no avail. “Come on!” I said more sternly this time, turning the key for the third attempt. The engine roared to life, and I sat back in my seat feeling both remorse that the car worked and regret that I was about to leave this place that had so quickly become my home.
“I’ll be back within a few hours,” I said to myself, shaking my head at the ridiculousness of my emotions. This wasn’t a forever goodbye…at least not yet. And maybe that was what made this so damn difficult. With Deacon being so out of sorts and unpredictable, I didn’t know if this was the last time I would leave this place feeling a thread of hope that everything would be okay. I was only one half of this puzzle and maybe some time and space wouldn’t be enough.
For a moment, the darkness of that future gripped me tightly. Sorrow and grief took hold in my chest and my throat burned with tightness. I hated these feelings. They weren’t me. They didn’t belong in my space. I didn’t want them. Part of me realized in that moment that they weren’t part of Deacon either. The darkness had been impressed upon him. The purest version of him was the man I saw loving on Casper. The man whose smile could light up a room. The man who made me feel like I did live in a fairyland when I was with him.
I’d seen the light in his eyes that only came from experiencing pure joy. Heard the sound of his laughter like a warm blanket wrapped around me. Felt the comfort of his embrace and how he came alive when those around him felt good.
The thread that ran between us from the first moment we met was illuminated again. Bright and blue and beautiful.
I had to believe this would work. That he just needed some time. Some separation to see things more clearly.
With one final look at the cabin, I backed out of the driveway. Snow crunched under the tires as I turned the car around and headed to the main road.
The sky was cloudy again today. I missed the sun and the warmth it brought. I was tired of the cold and not being able to spend much time outdoors. I wanted to paint and sip on sweet tea and feel the sun’s rays on my face as I listened to Deacon talk to Casper—telling him how much of a rascal he was.
My palms sweat as anxiety clawed up my spine. Am I doing the right thing by leaving? By giving him space? Should I have just tried talking to him again?
Ugh!
I was wound so tight, I felt like my brain was going to burst from the effort of thinking too much. I didn’t know what to do.
So, I kept driving further into town.
About halfway there, my scar started to itch.
Damnit .
Lost in all the emotions of the day, I’d forgotten to put the salve on it this morning. Lifting my coat and sweater, I scratched at the edges, knowing it was just going to make it itch more, but the monetary relief was much needed.
My mind wandered to the first night Deacon saw my scar and how his eyes had turned molten at the sight. I knew he had traveled back in time, ridden with guilt for not getting me out of the building before the roof collapsed on us.
Another thing that hadn’t been his fault, but he’d decided to carry the burden of it anyways.
Splaying my palm against the raised skin, I remembered what it felt like to have him rub the salve over my skin. How my breath caught, and my heart thundered in my chest.
I missed him.
His warmth.
His touch.
His laughter.
His everything .
All I wanted was for him to see that what we felt for each other was enough. That we could get through whatever trials came our way. I wanted him to see it so badly, my very bones ached with frustration.
Tears hazed my vision. Letting my sweater and jacket fall back over my ribcage, I wiped away at the water lining my eyes.
Then I felt it.
The car beneath me started to slide as I hit a slick spot on the road. “Oh my god,” I breathed, my mind raced with terror.
I took my foot off the gas and remembered not to slam on the breaks, but I was already going fifty miles an hour on the state road. A scream ripped through my throat as the car jolted to the right. My hands shook as I tried to right the steering wheel, shifting it to the left.
Time slowed for an instant before the steering wheel yanked to the right again, spinning the car—and me with it—around in fast circles. The entire world spun around me as I screamed. I was stuck in a kaleidoscope of white, gray and dark green.
It wouldn’t stop.
IT WOULDN’T STOP!
“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!”
Some part of my brain made out the giant pine trees on the side of the road and how with each spin of the car, they came closer and closer until…CRASH!
The car must have hit one of the trees as an explosion of white smacked me hard in the face.
“Agh,” I groaned as I brought my hand up to the side of my face. My fingers grazed something wet, but before I could look down at my fingertips, dizziness swarmed me.
Tinges of black edged my vision. The car was no longer spinning, but it still felt like I was as little stars danced across my eyes.
“No,” I whispered to myself, trying to hold onto the thread of consciousness I had left. “No.”
But my grip loosened, and everything went black.