25. Deacon
Chapter 25
Deacon
Sweat dripped from my forehead as I kept hammering away at the distressed dresser. By now, the piece was beyond repair, the dents of my hammer looked more like giant craters and not at all the original inspiration I had in mind.
“Fuck!” I yelled as I tossed the hammer onto my work bench, scattering a carton of nails as it bounced right off and just missed my cheek. I would have deserved it. Maybe having the hammer smack me in the face would knock some sense into me.
I was ruining everything with Charlie, and I didn’t know how to reel it back in. Much like the dresser before me, I’d ruined a perfectly good thing because I couldn’t keep myself in check. I was lost. Like a ship without sails in the churning ocean—directionless and at the complete mercy of the sea.
Dropping onto my work stool, my head drooped low. I watched as the beads of sweat rolled from my face and onto the concrete floor, splattering.
All I could think about was her. It didn’t matter how much hammering I did or how much I berated myself in my mind, Charlie broke through all of it. Her smile. Her cute as sin freckles. The way her lips felt against mine. And how she always seemed to hum a joyous note when I held her.
She was what I wanted.
And maybe I wanted her too badly. I was holding on so tight because I was afraid of what it might be like to lose her.
I thought I’d gotten over it. The images in my mind from the fire had started to decrease. I was finally letting someone in again. I was finally…happy.
Then, seeing that snow fall on top of her… My stomach coiled and I felt sick just thinking about it.
She said it wasn’t my fault. But how could it not have been? I was the one who threw the snowball. It was because of my actions that she ended up with a giant bruise on her beautiful face. Just one more mark made by my stupidity.
She said it wasn’t your fault, I told myself again trying to get the words to stick only to have them land flat on the fucking floor.
“What’s wrong with me?” I sank my head into my hands and rubbed my palms into my eyes. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”
Tck, tck, tck.
There was a scratching sound at the door that led back into the house. Popping my head up, I listened a little closer.
Tck, tck, tck .
Cold air started to settle over my skin now that I was no longer working. I rubbed the old hand towel from my work bench over my arms to get the sweat off before I headed for the door to see what was scraping against it.
When I opened the door, Casper meowed at me. Kneeling, I rubbed under his jaw and he jumped up, pawing at me.
“I know, little rascal. I’ve fucked up with your mom and I need to make it right.”
He meowed louder this time, almost seeming distressed. That’s when I realized there were no other sounds in the house. Not footsteps on the floor, or the clattering of dishes while Charlie made hot chocolate. There wasn’t the faint sound of a brush striking canvas either.
My heart leapt as I picked Casper up and headed down the hallway back to the main part of the house.
“Charlie!” I called out.
No answer.
I could feel my heartbeat in my ears.
“Charlie!” I said again, this time louder.
Still, nothing.
Picking up my pace, I nearly jogged into the living room to find it empty. I scanned the area and found that her easel and paints were right where she left them.
A long breath left my lungs as I exhaled in relief. She was probably just out on the front porch. Now that the snow had mostly melted down, she was spending a lot more time outside. She’d told me a few nights ago that it was part of her creative process. Just being outside and observing the world before she sat down to paint.
“Let’s go find her,” I said to Casper who gave me a little chirp in response. It was time for me to pull my head out of my ass and talk to her. Asshole didn’t even begin to cover what I’d been to her the last twenty-four hours. She deserved better and if I had a chance in hell in making this work with her, I was going to have to let her in.
Fully.
No more walls.
No more barriers.
No more running away.
With Casper in tow, I headed for the front door but stopped when I passed the kitchen. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a piece of paper under the mug she’d been using all day.
Moving closer, I noticed there was writing on it. Breaking my own rule, I set Casper onto the counter and slipped the note from under the mug.
Deacon,
I’m starting to think that we’ve both been in this cabin for a little too long, so I’m going to head into town for a bit to get some fresh air…and a better perspective. After what happened yesterday, I know that you’re hurting. Some part of you always has the need to protect. I think that’s because you’ve lost so many people at such a young age. You’ve seen things that no one should have to witness. And because of that, there’s a wall around your heart.
At first, I thought the wall was too thick. I’d never be able to get through to you. But since the first day I saw you, there’s always been a tether between us—drawing us to one another. Maybe I’m just crazy and have had my parents instill too much woo-woo stuff in me, but I know in the deepest parts of my heart that I belong here with you. Once you showed me the true version of yourself, the one you keep hidden behind that wall, I knew you were it for me.
There is no one in this world I could feel the same for.
You’re the one my heart yearns for. The one I want to hold me. …To love me.
God, I hope I’m not crazy and you feel the same. But even if you don’t, I can feel good knowing that you know exactly what you mean to me.
And if I’m not crazy and you do feel the same, I also want you to know I will be here. Right by your side, helping to chase away the darkness.
Love,
Charlie
P.S. - I really hope I’m not crazy. Xoxo.
My heart clamored in my chest as I looked out the window and noticed there were flurries of snowflakes in the air. The ground was still white with snow and her car wasn’t next to my truck anymore.
Looking back to the note in my hands, I nearly crumpled the paper from frustration. I’d pushed her away and now she was gone. Out there. Where the roads were slick, and snow was starting to come down again.
Casper chirped at me and nuzzled his face into my hands.
“Don’t worry, little guy. I’m going to go get our girl.”
Snowflakes hit the windshield, creating a white cast that was difficult to see the road through. The pine trees lining both sides of the state road blurred past me as I sank my foot farther against the gas pedal.
“Come on,” I murmured to myself, trying to be careful on the road but needing to go fast enough to find her in town. There was no way in hell I was going to let her drive back alone with the weather in this condition.
Pressing down a little more on the accelerator, my chest buzzed with energy when the back tires of my old pickup truck fishtailed along the road.
“Shit!” Taking my foot off the gas, I righted the steering wheel, and the tires found traction again.
It wasn’t a good sign. If my truck’s mud tires were having a difficult time keeping to the road, there was no way her tiny car was doing better.
“Come on, Sunshine. Please be safe.” I sent a silent prayer out that I’d find her before she turned around. I’d already fucked up so much and this was my chance to make things right. The first step in the right direction.
In her letter, she’d written that I was the one she wanted. All I could think of was how I needed the chance to tell her the same thing. I was ready to let her in. To show her all the dark pieces of my past and how they’ve corrupted my entire sense of the world. And how her light showed me what could be possible if I just let myself be fucking happy for once.
“I promise, Charlie… I promise I’ll do better,” I whispered into the empty cabin of my truck, hoping she could feel my heart through the thread that had bound us together from the moment we met seven years ago.
She’d called it woo-woo stuff, but I knew it was real. Maybe part of me—in the beginning—had thought she was crazy. But I felt it pull me down the road toward her. The line was taut, like she was calling to me.
I just had to find her.
The truck nearly rocked side-to-side with how fast the windshield wipers were working. I was nearly to the edge of town when I saw smoke rising along the side of the road. Leaning forward in my seat, I squinted at where the smoke was coming from and noticed there was a white sedan lodged against a tree in the snow.
Panic rose in my chest as my stomach churned. It was Charlie’s car. “Oh my god. No! No!” I yelled into the silence as I slammed my foot on the pedal, not caring about my own safety, just needing to get to her.
The car was about a quarter mile down the road and with each passing second, my heart beat faster in my chest. Like a wild animal, the pounding was relentless as bile coated the back of my throat.
If she’s hurt… No! I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it. She had to be okay. There was no other option.
Skidding to a halt next to her car, I threw the shifter into park and jumped out.
“Charlie!” I screamed her name as icy snow bit my cheeks.
Black smoke rose from the engine of her car and the whole area smelled like gas.
“Fuck.”
As I rounded the trunk of her sedan, I noticed the entire front was smashed against a giant pine tree. My feet nearly fell from beneath me as I slipped on a patch of ice running toward the driver side of the car.
“Charlie!” I yelled again and didn’t hear a response when I saw that her head was laid back against her seat, the airbag deployed in front of her.
“No. No! No!” Every muscle in my body shook as I saw the light of my existence sitting there—lifeless.
Yanking on the handle, I screamed her name again. She didn’t move and that’s when I noticed there was a giant gash on the right side of her face, blood matted her hair. She was hurt. And I couldn’t get to her.
Images of Charlie wrapped up in that tiny damp towel as she tried to shield herself from the flames flickered to life in my mind. How her bright blue eyes were hopeful when she looked up at me. And the way her small arms clung to my neck as I walked us out of her apartment.
All of it came back to me in a rush that nearly knocked the air from my lungs. It felt like I was back there. Both of us surrounded by fire. Desperate to get away from the heat.
And just like that, the moment was gone and I was back in the cold snow, trying to work the door handle open to no avail.
“Fuck!” I screamed, raking my hands through my hair. That’s when I noticed Charlie moved and her eyes fluttered open. My heart skipped a beat, then started racing again.
Bending over, I knocked gently on the window. Careful not to startle her. “Charlie,” I said her name again.
Dazed, she took a moment to shift her gaze toward me. When she finally noticed me, she twisted toward the door, putting both hands on the glass window. A wince had her nose scrunching.
“Deacon.” I saw her mouth move, but I could hardly hear her through the window.
“Can you get the door open, Sunshine?” My voice cracked as I took in the wound on her forehead. It was deeper than I originally thought. I needed to get her the fuck out of this car. I needed to have her in my arms.
Still slow to move, I watched patiently as she fiddled with the door handle then looked up panicked.
“It’s okay,” I said calmly, reverting to my decades of training. “Is it locked?”
Her blue eyes assessed the arm of the door where all the switches were, and she pressed the button to unlock it. Then she tried the door handle again and it still didn’t work.
“I’m going to try the other doors, just hang on tight.”
She nodded then I moved to the driver’s rear door and jostled the handle. Nothing. Quickly jogging around, the doors on the passenger side wouldn’t open either.
“Damnit!” I slammed the palm of my hand against the metal frame. That’s when I heard the whip of flame ignite and felt the heat of my worst nightmare against my skin. The engine had caught fire. And Charlie was still stuck.
“Deacon!” I heard her scream this time and I looked through the passenger window to find her bright eyes alert with fear.
No. This isn’t happening. This isn’t fucking happening.
Frozen. I couldn’t think or move. All I could see was the terror on her face. Ice moved through my veins keeping me stuck as my own horror took hold.
Think, Deacon . Do something .
There was a loud pop sound from the engine as another bright flame burst from the right side. It broke my haze, and I burst into action.
“Hold on!” I called out to her, and she nodded vigorously from shock.
Running as fast as my legs would take me, I headed for my truck and opened the toolbox in the bed. Grabbing the crowbar, I ran back to Charlie’s car and told her to lean away from the door.
She did and I jammed the crowbar into the crack where the door met the frame. Metal scraped and cracked as I pushed the crowbar back against the frame. It was starting to work, but the fire was getting closer to the windshield, bright red flames bursting out through the seam of the hood.
“Deacon, hurry!” Charlie yelled as she pulled on her seatbelt. “I’m stuck!”
Time was running both at lightning speed and as slow as a snail as I jammed the crowbar back into the door seam again and again, pulling my way down the edge until I was able to get it nestled through the small opening near the lock.
The sharp smell of gasoline strengthened around me. If the fire got to the gas tank…
No.
Focus .
With one more stab of the crowbar, the door released, and I was in. Charlie let out a strangled whimper as she threw her arms around me. “Deacon,” she gasped my name like it was the only thing keeping her together.
I nearly broke down right then, but we weren’t out of the woods yet.
“Come on, Sunshine. We gotta get you out of this thing before the fire spreads.”
“The seatbelt is stuck.” She pulled at the gray belt across her chest with a panicked gesture.
With a snick, I slid my knife out of my pocket and flipped it open. Right before I put it to the belt, a loud groaning sound came from the front of the car.
“Deacon?” Charlie’s voice wavered as we both looked forward to where flames were now consistently shooting out of the seams of the hood. The dashboard was radiating heat that was already starting to tinge my skin.
Looking Charlie straight in her eyes, I said, “We need to move now!”
She held the seat belt out for me as I moved my knife over the fabric, sawing it as quickly as I could. The fabric was thick though and with each saw of my knife, the fire spread quicker.
Charlie started gasping for air through sobs that wracked her body. The tears came for me too. I couldn’t lose her. She was everything. She was everything !
Only a few threads left. Sweat spread over my forehead from the heat and anxiety.
Four threads.
Three.
Two.
Yes!
Throwing my knife somewhere behind me, I rushed to get Charlie out of the seat. I could tell she was feeling weak when I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled, she could hardly keep her arms draped over my neck.
“Almost there, Sunshine. Stay with me. Please…stay with me.”
The part of the belt that was over her lap snagged. There was no time. The fire was melting parts of the dashboard now. Rushed, I yanked the seat belt through the feed loop. Once. Twice. Finally, it released, and Charlie fell onto my chest as I landed backwards in the snow.
I held her close to me, burying my nose in her hair. The sweet scent of vanilla mixed with the tang of iron from the blood running down the side of her face hit my nostrils.
But she was safe. In my arms, where she belonged.
“Are you okay?” I asked, lifting her chin.
Her eyelids were starting to droop as she whispered, “I don’t feel so good.”
“Okay, Sunshine. Just stay with me a little longer. We need to get to my truck so we can get to the hospital. ”
“Okay,” she groaned as I gingerly held her ribcage and maneuvered us up together.
Just as I got us both to stand, I saw the bright light emanate from behind her. Before I had a chance to tell her to run, Charlie’s entire car burst into flames with an explosion that sent her flying into my chest.
Snow crunched beneath me. Pain shot up my spine from where I landed on my tailbone. It was all I could do to wrap my arms around Charlie and hold her tight against me, but when we both went down, I felt her slip from my grasp.
A sharp ring spliced my eardrums as I looked around, trying to get my bearings. When I turned to my right, I saw Charlie about two feet away from me. The wound over her brow was seeping blood again. Her eyes were closed, and her mouth was slightly ajar.
Blood rushed through my veins so loudly I could hear it in my ears as the ringing slowly faded and I started crawling over to her.
“Charlie!” My throat was thick from the adrenaline, her name coming out hushed.
She didn’t respond. Not even a flinch of recognition of my voice.
I held her face in my hands, gently patting her cheeks to jumpstart her nervous system. “Come on, baby.” I barely felt the hot tears rolling down my face.
“Charlie, come on. Wake up for me.” I kissed her lips, the metallic taste of blood hitting my tongue.
“Come on!” I screamed. The silent, snowy earth swallowed the sound like neither one of us were here and my heart wasn’t being ripped from my chest.
Placing my head on her chest, I heard the faint breath in her lungs and felt the subtle beat of her heart when I pressed my fingers to her wrist. She was with me. She was here. But if I didn’t get her to a hospital quickly…
Using all the strength I had left in my shaking body; I carried her to my truck and laid her down in the back seat of the cab. Pressing a final kiss to her forehead, I whispered, “You’re my sunshine, Charlie. Please don’t leave me in the darkness.”