27. Deacon
Chapter 27
Deacon
“Sarah!” I cried into the phone.
“Deacon, what’s the matter?” Her voice was sharp with concern. “What’s going on?”
“I…” With me back against the wall outside of Charlie’s hospital room, I slid down until I hit the floor.
I can’t do this. I can’t lose her. I can’t fucking lose her!
“There was an accident. Charlie…” Just saying her name out loud had my chest hurting so badly, I thought I was going to fucking die.
“Where are you, Deacon?” There was a rustling sound on the other end of the phone, like Sarah was getting out of bed or something.
“Hospital.” The single word burned in my throat.
“We’re on our way.”
“Thank you, Sarah,” I whispered into the phone. It was all I could muster before I broke down and let the weight of everything that happened consume me.
There was a slight lift in my chest when Sarah and Ranger rounded the corner of the nurses’ station.
They came. I needed them…and they came .
It wasn’t lost on me how this singular moment had already transformed my entire life. The walls I’d built so high around me had turned to ash on the ground the moment I saw Charlie’s car on the side of the road. And those ashes scattered to the wind when I saw her hurt. There was nothing left of the man I was before. The only thing that mattered was getting her to come back to me.
“Deacon!” Sarah jogged toward me. I rose from where I’d made my permanent seat outside of Charlie’s room. The doctors were still working on her. They’d threatened to call security and kick me out if I didn’t leave her bedside. One of the nurses had walked me out and calmed me down right before I’d called Sarah.
I hugged Sarah fiercely when she crossed the final foot between us. Ranger came in right after and wrapped his arms around the both of us.
My friends.
My family .
Why had I closed myself off to them for so long?
Regret threatened my sanity, but I shoved it out. I was here now. I was different now. I could start over…I hoped.
The three of us held onto one another. I needed this. I needed them . I’d been broken for so long that I’d forgotten to look up and see that there were people right in front of me who had my back. Who would show up when I called them. Who would help me when I needed them.
As we parted, Sarah slid her arm around Ranger’s waist and she asked, “What happened, Deacon?”
Emotion clogged my throat again, making it difficult for me to speak. So, I took in a deep breath and tried to let my muscles loosen. It worked. Slightly.
“I fucked up, Sarah.” Tears welled in my eyes again. “I fucked up really bad.”
She reached for my hand and squeezed it.
Then, Ranger spoke. “You’re a good guy, Deacon. So, whatever happened…we can fix this together.”
He gave me a smile and it made me think that he might be right. No matter what happened, I could fix everything between Charlie and me.
Then, like I’d always done, my mind went to darker places. Worries of whether or not I would have the chance. If she would make it out of this nightmare okay. Or if I would be the cause of losing the most important person in my life.
I shook my head, trying to eradicate the thoughts from my mind. I had to hold onto hope.
“She’s the one, isn’t she?” Sarah asked, still holding my hand.
The question struck me like a blow to the gut.
I knew she wasn’t just talking about the scar on my chest and that Charlie had a role in that story. She was saying that Charlie was my person. The one I wanted to spend the rest of my days with.
Pausing, I thought about everything Charlie and I had been through together already. How deeply I’d always been affected by her. In the beginning, it wasn’t just because she’d been a reminder of one of my greatest failures.
No.
When Charlie showed up on my front doorstep, I’d been stricken by her existence. Because she made me feel . Just her presence had broken through my barriers, and they were made of fucking steel. No one got past them. Except for Charlie.
Looking at Sarah I nodded, feeling the weight of that admission. For so long, I thought I was going to end up alone. That I deserved to be alone.
But that thread that had bound us together since the beginning had brought her to me weeks ago. I had to believe it would bring her back to me now.
“I think I knew it back then.” I looked at Ranger and explained, “Seven years ago, when I was back in Charlotte, I saved Charlie from her apartment building when it caught on fire.”
I thought back to that time and how even in the midst of a life-threatening situation, she had taken my breath away. With her crystal blue eyes and bright red hair. God. If I was honest with myself, some part of me had probably loved her even back then.
“She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen and she…terrified me. When we were both injured and wound up in the same hospital, I didn’t visit her. She was on the opposite side of the floor. I knew exactly what room she was in, but I didn’t visit her. I…couldn’t.”
Ranger gripped my shoulder and looked me straight in the eyes. “Sometimes the thing we want most in life scares the hell out of us. It’s embarrassing to admit the number of times I wanted to talk to Sarah but didn’t because I was scared of ruining it. Scared that I wasn’t good enough for her.”
“Yeah,” I laughed, remembering the phone call Sarah and I shared when she realized she wanted Ranger. It took them a while to figure things out, but now they were as solid as stone. Unbreakable.
“It seemed like fate wanted me to be scared because of all the towns she could have ended up in, she chose Pebble Brook Falls.”
“Does she know how you feel about her?” Sarah asked.
“I denied it at first. But then…I just couldn’t. I thought I would be able to keep my distance and ignore my feelings, but I failed epically at that.” They both looked at me like they completely understood what I was saying.
“After a pipe burst in the Badger Creek cabin, I offered for her to stay at my place for the night. The next morning, we woke up to being snowed in and I didn’t have a buffer between me and her anymore. I couldn’t hide it. She’s…” I felt the tightening of my throat again as another pang of pure agony shot through my heart. “She’s everything I never knew I needed. Fuck!” I raked my hand through my hair, ti ghtening my grip on the strands so I didn’t punch a hole in the damn wall.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Sarah’s soothing voice kept me grounded. I was losing it and without her and Ranger here…I didn’t know what I’d be capable of.
“Have the doctor’s given any updates?” Ranger asked, gripping my shoulder again to steady me.
I looked at him—at my friend. Ranger had his own past that I knew nearly kept him apart from Sarah. If there was anyone who understood what I was feeling right now, it was him.
Scraping a palm over my jaw, I tried to settle down. It was hard, when my raging heartbeat was a constant reminder of my distress. Every ounce of my soul wanted to be in there with her, making sure she was okay. Telling her how much I loved her and how fucking sorry I was for making her feel like she had to get away.
“They did a CT scan on her head to see if there was a brain injury. She was in and out of consciousness on our way here, but when we arrived, she wasn’t alert.”
Sarah raised her fingers to her mouth, trying to cover the shock.
“What happened?” she whispered.
I filled them in on the snowball fight and how my error led Charlie to being crushed beneath a pile of snow. Then how I freaked out and pushed her away, after I’d already let her in.
“I just couldn’t face her. Every loss I’ve experienced has left a brutal fucking scar on me and I let those scars eat away at my sanity. After she got hurt in the snow, I thought she was better off without me. So, I shut her out. Today, she wrote me a letter telling me that I was her person and that she knew we needed some space for clarity. On her way to town…she must have hit an ice patch because I found her car totaled on the side of the road.”
“Oh, Deacon,” Sarah said at the same time Ranger whispered, “Shit.”
“If I would have just let her in. If I would have just—” My voice cracked along with my heart.
“No.” Sarah grasped my arms and dipped her head low, forcing me to look at her. “Don’t you even say it, Deacon. This is not your fault. Accidents happen and there’s no way you could have known. Don’t do that to yourself.”
“She’s right, Deacon. The only way forward is to forgive yourself and move on. I’m sure Charlie wouldn’t want you beating yourself up like this.”
I thought about it. My sunshine. The light of my life… She was so kind, thoughtful and positive. Ranger spoke truthfully. There was no way Charlie would want me to carry the burden of guilt.
I could picture it now, if I told her the car accident was my fault. She’d put her dainty hand on her hip and glower at me, saying something like, “ You think you have control over every little thing in life? ”
She’d put me in my place.
Just like she’d done every time I’d shown her my ugly side.
“So, what do I do now?” I asked them right when the door to Charlie’s room opened and the doctor stepped out.
My heart stopped beating. Then it jolted again, banging hard against my ribs.
He was a tall man. Looked to be about mid-fifties with dark as midnight eyes. There was a blankness to his face that I knew he’d probably mastered over the years from having to deliver difficult news. I saw it on the guys’ I had served with when the losses started piling up.
“Are you Ms. Banks’ family?”
“Yes.” I didn’t hesitate for a second.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sarah and Ranger step closer to me. My jacket moved as Sarah placed her hand at my back.
The doctor nodded at us. “She’s stable. For now.”
“What do you mean for now?” The words were out before I even registered what I’d said. Sarah’s palm flattened against my mid-back, rubbing up and down.
On a deep inhale, the doctor continued. “She had a pretty significant contusion on her forehead. It looks like she was struck by something during the accident.”
“The windshield of her car was shattered in the middle.” My voice sounded far away, like I was already starting to retreat inward. I focused on Sarah’s hand at my back to keep me grounded.
“That makes sense then. It was likely a shard of glass that struck her on impact. Was there anything else that happened once you got to her? Any other signs of head injury?” the doctor asked me.
“The car was on fire when I pulled her out. Before I had a chance to get her to my truck, the fire reached the gas tank and exploded. We both fell a few feet backward.”
He nodded, his dark eyes darting back and forth as he gazed at the floor like he was thinking.
“What is it?” I asked. This whole hanging on by a thread thing wasn’t working for me. The woman of my dreams was in that room, and I needed to know what the fuck was going on.
He looked back at me and with a steady voice that severed my nerves, he said, “While her CT scan was clean, she hasn’t regained consciousness yet.”
Time stopped. The world caved in on me. The weight of his words was unbearable. I just stared at him. “She’s not awake yet?”
“I’m afraid not.”
Some distant part of me felt Sarah wrap her arms around me. I stopped breathing. I couldn’t see through the haze of tears. Couldn’t think through the swarm of fear in my mind.
“What does that mean?” I felt my lips move but barely heard the words that came from my own mouth.
“It means we wait and hope her brain heals.”
The fate of my life shifted in an instant. The light my woman brought into this world was snuffed out like the blow of breath to a candle’s flame.
Darkness descended and I knew I was never going to be the same ever again.