28. Deacon
Chapter 28
Deacon
“Sir.”
There was a jostling of my right arm that woke me from a deep sleep. Blinking my eyes slowly, I looked up at the person whose hand was still over my forearm.
A woman in blue scrubs, but not the same woman from last night.
“Sir, why don’t you go home and get some better rest?”
Sitting up straight, I felt the ache in my back from being hunched over the edge of Charlie’s hospital bed all night. Her hand still rested in mine, but when I looked at her beautiful face, her eyes were still closed.
My heart sank. She wasn’t awake yet.
“Have there been any changes?” My voice was froggy from sleep. I ran my hand over my face and wiped at my eyes, trying to get them to focus better.
The nurse’s face was solemn. “Not yet. But I promise you, she’s in good hands. Dr. Schneider has been checking on her case every hour.”
“Okay. That’s good.”
“Why don’t you go home for a little while. Get a shower, rest a little. If anything changes, I’ll make sure to call you right away.”
I sat there. My body turning to stone. The thought of leaving her all alone in this hospital bed made my stomach coil. What if she woke up and I wasn’t here? What if she thought I’d left her? What if…
“No.” I shook my head. “I can’t leave her.”
The nurse knelt beside me and patted my arm. “In order to take care of the ones we love; we need to take care of ourselves. I don’t mean to offend, but you look worse for wear. It’ll do you both some good if you go home for a little while and take care of yourself.”
Love .
Yes.
I did love Charlie. It was unquestionable. But it was the first time I’d had a moment for it to really sink in.
I’d never loved a woman before. Not really. The feeling was overwhelming.
I looked back at her. She seemed so peaceful. Her long auburn lashes fanned out over her freckled cheeks. I reached up to touch the silken strands of her hair. She looked just like she did every morning when we woke up next to one another.
Peaceful.
Angelic.
“I can’t,” I whispered, drawing my hand up to cup the side of her cheek.
“Okay.” The nurse patted my arm again. “Is there anything you need to take care of there? Anything you might want to call and ask a friend to help with? I’ve found people often forget important things during a time like this.”
As I stroked Charlie’s hand with my thumb, the nurse’s words hit hard. “Casper! Shit!”
Panic rose along my spine as I remembered the little rascal had been without us for nearly twenty-four hours.
“Who’s Casper, dear?” the nurse asked.
“He’s our cat.” I looked at the older woman and she smiled at me.
“Is there someone you can call to have them check on him?”
I knew Sarah and Ranger would be more than willing to check on him, but I wasn’t sure how he would react around strangers. Charlie had mentioned that I was the first person besides her who he really connected with. He’d been skittish around everyone else.
Charlie would kill me if something happened to him. The last thing we needed was for him to get scared and dart out of the house if Sarah and Ranger checked on him.
“No, I need to be the one to check on him.”
The nurse moved to the side to let me out of the corner of the room where my chair was, but I stayed put. “She’s stable? Nothing will happen to her while I’m gone?” I’d gone through years of medical training in the military and even more after that when I became a firefighter paramedic. I knew Charlie’s status and everything it meant, but I needed reassurance. Needed someone else to tell me that the woman I loved would be okay if I left.
“Yes, she’s stable. Just think of it as her taking an extra-long nap to give her brain some rest. Like I said, I’ll call you if anything changes.”
I looked back at Charlie and felt my chest cave in a little more. I didn’t want to leave her. But I also knew that Casper had held her together when she’d lost all her friends. He was the most important thing in her life aside from her parents. She had trusted me with him, and I needed to make sure he was okay.
Slowly rising from the chair, I straightened my back and did a few side stretches to even out the kinks. Then, I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Charlie’s forehead.
“I’ll be back soon, Sunshine. You just keep resting.”
There was no response. Not that I expected there to be one, but the silence was still deafening.
Turning toward the nurse, I said, “Let me give you my cell phone number.” She took it down and after one final look at Charlie, I headed home.
By the time I got home, fatigue had almost taken me out from the adrenaline dump that still had my hands shaking on the steering wheel. I didn’t sleep at all last night as I sat by Charlie’s side and watched her rest. All I could think about was all the moments we hadn’t shared together yet. How badly I wanted to take her in my truck and ride through my property at sunset–seeing the glimmering light over the rolling hills. To see how her red hair would look in the summer sun. What her freckled skin might feel like against mine when I showed her the nearby lake, and we went swimming together.
There were countless experiences I wanted to share with her. But most of all, I just wanted to hear her laughter. I wanted to hear the sound of my name passing her lips. I wanted to talk to her.
Still sitting in my truck, I stared at the front door. I knew what I would find inside.
Quiet emptiness.
Charlie had brought such life to my house—she’d made it a home. Without her, I didn’t want to be in it. I didn’t want to know what life might feel like without her.
I slammed my hand against the edge of the steering wheel. “Fuckkkk!” I screamed—the strain of not having used my voice much today sliced into my throat.
What lesson was hidden in this torment? And why did Charlie have to be the one to suffer for it? Why did this have to happen?
Climbing out of my truck, I had to put my shit aside and make sure Casper was okay. My footsteps were heavy as I trudged through the remaining bits of snow and up the steps to the porch. My shaking hand hovered above the doorknob. I didn’t want to go in there alone. I didn’t want to hear the silence knowing that Charlie might never come back to me— even when she did wake up. She might choose to stay far, far away.
It was the consequence of my actions. A fate I would have to deal with if she wanted it. Still, I couldn’t bear the thought of it.
Letting loose a long exhale, I finally opened the door and stepped inside.
Casper’s little feet ticked across the floor as he bounded toward me. Heat assaulted my eyes when I saw him and his sweet little face. He let out a long meow in greeting as he stood and placed his front paws on my pant leg.
Kneeling, I scooped him up. “Hey, little rascal.” He bumped his head into my chin and started purring. “I know, I know, I missed you too.”
His little white face pulled away and he looked over my shoulder. I knew exactly who he was looking for. It made my chest burn. “She’s okay, buddy. She’s just resting right now, but I promise she’ll be back soon.” I hoped it was a promise that wouldn’t fall flat. I hoped with all of the broken pieces of my heart that her brain would heal, and she’d make her way back to us.
Holding him close, I inhaled deeply. There was a faint scent of Charlie’s signature vanilla on his coat from when she’d cuddled him yesterday morning. It made me long for her warmth even more.
Setting him down, he followed me into the kitchen where his food and water bowl was under the island. He still had plenty of water, but the food was empty. Grabbing the bag from the pantry, I filled it to the brim, and he went to town. “ That’s it.” I stroked his back. “Make sure you eat it all and I’ll give you some more.” His head popped up for just a moment as he blinked slowly at me. Then, he dove his face back into the food.
I had to wait until he was done before heading back to the hospital, so I could give him some more to have for dinner. Walking into the living room, I stopped at the back of the couch. Images of all the nights we’d shared together in front of the fireplace whirled through my mind.
Her laughter had brought so much life to the space. And her touch had brought so much life to me . I wanted her back in my arms. Fuck. I needed to feel her again. Needed to know that she would still want me after everything that happened. That I hadn’t ruined the only good thing in my life.
Letting my head drop low, I closed my eyes. I was so damn tired from the adrenaline surge and my mind unwilling to stop thinking. But I knew sleep would evade me, even if I tried. The only way I could get some shut eye was back at the hospital by her side.
Glancing over my shoulder, Casper was still mowing down on his food. When I looked forward again, my gaze settled on the door leading to the garage. I walked over to it and opened it, the woodsy smell of sawdust and raw wood creeped into my nostrils.
More images of Charlie enter my mind. Mostly of how excited she’d been to see my work and all the questions she’d asked, wanting to know the story behind each piece.
I moved through the space, feeling the void in my chest in her absence. It had taken the threat of her being taken away for me to realize just how badly I needed her.
I hated that.
I hated that it took her being in a near-fatal accident for me to let my walls fall. To know that by having her by my side, I could face my past and everything that came with it.
I wished I could turn back time and make things right, but I couldn’t.
All I had was the future and I was damn sure going to make the best of it.
Heading toward the back of the garage, I saw the half-finished bench she’d fallen in love with. There was no part of me that saw a point in finishing it, knowing I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. But when she came in here and I saw her bright blue eyes glow with excitement, I knew some part of me had made that bench for her—for us .
It was just waiting. For her to come along and turn my world upside down. To show me everything I’d been missing.
After running a hand over the seat of the bench, I smacked it against my pant leg. Dust flew everywhere, but there was a thread of hope that blossomed in my chest as I took in the vine and orchid details I’d carved into the back well over a year ago.
It was Charlie’s favorite piece, and I had all the energy to burn. When she woke up—and I knew she would—I wanted her to have something to come home to. A gift to show her how much she meant to me.
And most of all, to tell her that I’d finally found someone to sit on the bench with me.
She was my woman. The one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with…if she’d have me.
Grabbing my whittling tools off the work bench, I made sure my phone was turned all the way up and then got to work.