Chapter 14 #3
W: Oh, no. Nothing like that. I just feel down, really.
I did, actually, have some of those sorts of thoughts when I was drinking.
Towards the end. I thought about ending it all once or twice.
Not that I ever would. But I can’t say it didn’t cross my mind.
Because everything seemed so… bleak. But since I stopped, it’s more like disappointment, really.
K: Disappointment?
W: Yes. I think I thought if I stopped I’d feel all fit and, you know, bouncy – full of beans. But I just feel a bit deflated, really. Like a punctured tyre or something. Like I’ve given up something that was fun. So that’s a bit of a disappointment.
K: Something ‘fun’ you say. Was it fun?
W: Sometimes it was. Yes.
K: So why did you stop on Boxing Day?
W: Because… Well, because I realised I couldn’t stop. I kind of realised I was addicted. And I don’t like being out of control. I hate not being in control.
K: I see. So you stopped, cold turkey, on your own?
W: Yes. I took a bit of Valium-type stuff which helped. I looked it up on the web, and a few studies seemed to say that might help.
K: Valium-type stuff?
W: Oxazepam. The doctor prescribed it for me ages ago when I had trouble sleeping.
K: OK. And how much Oxazepam did you take when you stopped drinking?
W: Maybe ten half pills. I can’t remember the dosage, but they weren’t that strong. And all in the first week. Nothing since.
K: OK. That sounds very reasonable. And very strong willed of you.
W: Yeah. I’m not too bad that way.
K: What way?
W: Oh, I just mean my willpower’s never been too bad. You know, if I diet, I diet. If I decide to clean, I clean. I see other people faffing around about going to the gym or whatever and I always think just get on with it, you know?
K: I see. So, to get back to the drinking, for how long were you drinking heavily, do you think?
W: Oh… um… a few years, maybe? It built up gradually, really.
K: Was there a reason you started, do you think? Was there something specific you were trying to avoid or improve by drinking?
W: Yes, I think I’ve worked it all out.
K: Go on?
W: Well, my mother died. It was awful. It was very… um… traumatic, I s’pose you’d say. And I kind of forgot, which is weird.
K: I’m sorry, you forgot she had passed, or you forgot how it happened?
W: Oh, no… sorry. No, I mourned her. I was devastated. No, it was more the actual event that I forgot. Do you think that’s really possible? Because that’s certainly how it seemed. Like I’d wiped it from my mind.
K: You forgot the event of her dying, do you mean?
W: Yes, I was there. And it was awful. But I completely forgot the details. That’s how it seemed, anyway.
K: Well, that is perfectly possible. It’s a well-studied mechanism called repression. We do it to protect ourselves when memories are too painful to bear.
W: So repression’s not a made-up thing?
K: A made-up thing?
W: Yeah, I thought it might be just in films and stuff. You know. A plot device.
K: No, repression is very real. Well studied, and fully documented. And not uncommon.
W: OK, then. Well, I think that’s what happened.
And I sort of started drinking more around then.
Because I felt so angry. Actually, I was already a drinker, even before.
But it wasn’t every night, you know? I was more of a weekend drinker.
But I started feeling so stressed and angry all the time after Mum died. And the alcohol did seem to help.
K: Yes, it feels like it’s helping until it isn’t helping anymore, right?
W: Exactly.
K: Can you tell me about how your mother died?
W: Oh. OK. Do I have to?
K: No, you don’t have to do anything at all.
W: Fine, well, I’d rather not.
K: Perhaps you can tell me why you’d rather not, then?
W: Because it upsets me. I cry. I get angry all over again. And then I can’t get the images out of my head. That moment. At the end. In the hospital.
K: So you remember more of it, now, than before?
W: Oh, yes, I remember all of it. It came back to me in a sort of dream. Well, more of a waking nightmare, really. But it all suddenly came back. And I wept and wept and wept.
K: If you don’t want to go into detail, can you perhaps give me an overall picture? That might be helpful for my understanding.
W: Oh, OK. Sure. So it was, um, cancer – of course.
It’s always cancer, isn’t it? And she was in pain.
A lot of pain. And they were useless – in the hospice, that is.
They wouldn’t give her enough morphine. I had to fight for it every time.
It was like it was on bloody ration or something, which, as a nurse…
Anyway… And then, at the end, while I was off hunting for a doctor to see to her – because he wouldn’t come, you see, and they wouldn’t give her more morphine without his say-so – and then she died. And I wasn’t there. I missed it.
K: Please. Take a tissue.
W: Yes, you see? I can’t even talk about it without…
K: That’s fairly normal, I’d say. Take a breath.
That’s right. You know, it’s good, actually, that you can cry.
You need to let that out. So even though you don’t want to talk about it, it’s probably good if you do.
Even when it does make you cry. Because each time you do it will get a little less painful.
W: OK. Well, job done, eh?
K: Were you on your own dealing with all of this?
W: Well, there were nurses and doctors, but as I say, they were all pretty useless.
K: Yes, but what about family? Are you in a relationship?
W: Yes. I’m married.
K: And was your partner present through this? Did your partner support you?
W: No. Not really. I mean, he’d hug me when I got home. And make me dinner, and what-have-you. He was sweet. And supportive.
K: But he wasn’t with you at the hospital?
W: No.
K: Why was that, do you think?
W: I don’t know. It just didn’t seem like his place, really. I mean, she’s not – she wasn’t – his mother.
K: I see.
W: And Mum wouldn’t have wanted him there, anyway. She was quite a private person. And it was a very intimate moment, you know?
K: Yes, dying is perhaps the most intimate moment of all.
W: And my brother was totally absent, too. I really fucking hate him for that. Sorry.
K: Please don’t apologise. Whatever language comes to you here is fine. The important thing is to express yourself. So your brother, he didn’t support you as you would have wanted?
W: No.
K: Did he support you at all?
W: No. Nada.
K: Why was that, do you think?
W: I don’t know. Maybe because he’s a…
K: As I said, you can swear if you want to. I won’t be shocked.
W: No, I don’t think I want to, really. Anyway, you know the word I was thinking of.
K: I think you should say the word so there’s no doubt.
W: OK, then. He was a cunt.
K: Do you think there’s a reason why he behaved like a cunt?
W: That sounds funny, coming from you. It sounds wrong.
K: …
W: And, no, I don’t think there was a reason. He didn’t want all that messiness in the middle of his perfect little life.
K: I see. I’m hearing quite a lot of resentment, there.
W: Yeah. Loads. Bucketloads of resentment. And his wife, Sue? She used to be my best friend. And she wasn’t there for me either.
K: So how did you feel about that? About the fact that Sue wasn’t there?
W: Hurt. Angry all over again.
K: …
W: Hurt more than words can say, really.
K: And angry.
W: Yes, very, very angry. I still feel incredibly angry about it.
K: I see.
W: I mean, who does that? Who lets their best friend, or their sister for that matter, deal with a dying parent, alone?
K: Well, it is probably more common than you’d think, but that doesn’t excuse it.
W: Really?
K: Oh, absolutely. Care of elderly or dying parents is one of the biggest reasons siblings fall out.
W: OK. So there are lots of … you-know-whats out there. Arseholes.
K: …
W: I don’t get it. I just don’t understand how anyone can be that selfish.
K: Have you ever asked them how?
W: No! As if…!
K: …
W: Do you think I should, then? Ask them?
K: I didn’t say that.
W: So you don’t?
K: I didn’t say that either.
W: You actually didn’t answer my question.
K: Which question is that?
W: The definition of an alcoholic.
K: Ah. OK. So, to be honest, I’m not sure a definition would be helpful to you right now.
W: You don’t?
K: No. Alcohol is a drug. It’s a legal drug, but a drug nonetheless.
Society, our society – most societies in fact, but not all societies – use it for many reasons.
We self-medicate with alcohol. We use it as an anti-anxiety drug, for example or as a social lubricant, because we humans can be so awkward around each other.
And sometimes it’s used in larger quantities as an anaesthetic for physical or emotional pain.
In ancient times they amputated limbs using alcohol as an anaesthetic, so it’s a very powerful drug.
And like any drug it can be used, or it can be misused.
W: Right. but that still doesn’t—
K: I’d say that if your use of it is having negative consequences in your life, or on your relationships, or on your health, or on your wealth, then that’s a problem.
So I’d say that at this stage – at your stage – asking whether it’s a problem in your life is perhaps more important than the definition of the word ‘alcoholic’.
Do you think your drinking has become a problem?
W: Yes, I think it has. People have told me it has. Family members. Friends. They say it’s been affecting my relationships. And I think that’s probably true. Actually, it’s definitely true.