Chapter 14 #4
K: Right. Well, it’s good that you’ve identified that.
What I can tell you is that if you’ve been drinking two bottles a day then it will certainly have started to affect your health, even if you haven’t noticed it yet.
That level of consumption will end up damaging your liver and your kidneys, for starters.
It would have effects that would show up in blood tests, for almost all your vital functions.
So health-wise, it’s definitely too much, and it’s definitely a problem.
W: So it’s a good job I stopped.
K: Yes, it’s a good job you stopped.
W: …
K: …
W: I’m not sure what to say now.
K: That’s OK. We can sit and digest for a bit until something comes along.
W: It’s a bit expensive to just sit here, really, isn’t it? It’s like a waste. Two quid a minute.
K: Is that a worry for you? The cost?
W: Not this once. But if it needed to be regular…
K: …
W: Do you think it will need to be regular?
K: I really couldn’t say at this point.
W: What do you think he’d say? My brother? If I asked him. I was wondering about that.
K: Sorry, if you asked him what?
W: Why he left me alone to deal with Mum when she was dying.
K: I don’t know. What do you think he’d say?
W: I really have no idea. That’s why I was asking what sort of things people say.
K: People often do have their reasons. But they aren’t always able to express them. And sometimes those reasons are subconscious, so they don’t even know them themselves. But nothing comes from a vacuum. There will always be reasons for everything.
W: When you say, subconscious… Do you mean that people can be subconsciously selfish? Like, they’re selfish but it’s not their fault?
K: Well, selfish is a slightly judgemental word, so it’s perhaps not helpful. There are no universal standards for defining selfishness, after all.
W: I’d say that not helping your sister with your dying mother would probably fit the bill, though, don’t you? As a standard measure of selfishness.
K: Maybe so. I just mean that as for the word ‘alcoholic’ there’s no standard definition.
And of course you have to consider people’s circumstances.
Their capacity to help. Their capacity for generosity.
There will often be a reason why people become relatively ‘selfish’ as you say.
A past trauma or a childhood experience that limits their ability to be generous, for example.
We often become who we are because of things that happen to us.
W: Right. Only we had the same childhood, my brother and me. We grew up together. So I don’t think that really gets him off the hook.
K: Yes, but you weren’t constantly together. You have had different life experiences.
W: I suppose. I actually think we’d argue if I asked him.
K: That’s certainly a possibility. Would that be a bad thing?
W: I’m not sure it would be worse than saying nothing at all.
K: No, saying nothing can be quite painful, too.
W: So you do think I should ask him. Go on. Admit it.
K: I’m really not saying that at all. But I do think it might be a good idea for you to ask yourself why you haven’t discussed it with him. And what you might gain or lose if you did. So at least the decision to discuss it, or not discuss it, would be a conscious choice on your part.
W: Yes, I can see that. That makes sense. So do you think I’m having a breakdown? Do you think I need years of therapy?
K: Do you think you’re having a breakdown?
W:
K: That was a serious question from me to you. And one I’d very much like you to answer.
W: Honestly?
K: Yes, honestly.
W: Quite honestly, no. I think I’ve got a handle on it all, now.
I’ve worked out why I’m angry. And I’ve remembered what happened and who was and wasn’t there for me.
And I think I probably do need to have it out with my brother and his wife.
And I think I’ve probably cracked the drinking thing. So, no. I think I’m doing OK.
K: I agree. I think you’re doing OK, too.
W: You do? Really?
K: Really.
W: You’re not just saying that?
K: No. If you truly have ceased drinking, as you say you have, on your own, without any help, then that shows quite extraordinary self-awareness and willpower.
And if you’ve managed to push up the repressed trauma of your mother’s death from your subconscious – once again, on your own – then that, too, is quite impressive.
So I think you’re doing incredibly well.
And I think you should carry on like that.
And, of course, come back to me if you need more support with any of it.
W: Gosh, that is not what I thought you’d say.
K: OK. What did you think I’d say?
W: That I need therapy for a hundred years at a hundred and twenty quid a pop.
K: Ah, well, I guess we therapists aren’t all as cynical as you assumed. Are you disappointed?
W: No. I’m a bit scared, I think. Because it all depends on me now, doesn’t it?
K: Yes, it all depends on you. But as I say, if you need help with any of it, I’m here for you.
If you need help with the drinking, or if the pain of the trauma doesn’t lessen, for example, then there are techniques we can use to help that on its way.
So yes, it does depend on you. But you aren’t alone. I’m here.
W: What happens if I fall off the wagon, do you think?
K: What happens if you start drinking, do you mean?
W: Yes. Do you think I can just have, like, a normal drink?
K: OK. So my best guess, from experience, would be that if you start drinking at all, you’ll be drinking heavily within days. Perhaps even within hours. I think you’d snap right back into it like before. There can be miraculous exceptions, but that’s generally how these things go.
W: So you don’t think I can go back to drinking normally?
K: That depends what you mean by normal.
W: You know. Like normal people.
K: Some people’s normal means never drinking at all.
And others drink so much they drink themselves to death.
There really is no normal. And if you find you need to stop drinking completely then it’s important that you don’t consider yourself abnormal because of that.
Because that’s very, very common. Alcohol, as I said, is a drug.
And for many people it’s a very addictive, unmanageable drug.
W: OK. Right. Got it.
K: But if you do fall off the wagon, as you say, then please do come back to me, and we can talk about options.
W: What kind of options? D’you mean like rehab? Because I don’t think—
K: No, not necessarily. There are support groups.
There are methods that can be useful. Strategies.
Books I can recommend. There are even some new drug regimens that can help with the cravings.
With the depression, too, if that gets difficult to cope with, you must come back and we can talk about options for that.
W: OK. I’m OK for now, I think, but OK.
K: But as you said yourself, I really do think you’ve got this. Not everyone can do it on their own. Different people’s bodies – their psyches – work differently. But so far, you’ve shown quite extraordinary resilience. You’re doing extremely well.
W: Gosh. OK.
K: You sound surprised.
W: No, I’m just feeling… I don’t know…
K: Pride? You look like you’re feeling pride.
W: Yes. Maybe. Flattered, at any rate.
K: Well, good. You really should let yourself feel proud. This capacity you have for knowing yourself is quite rare. So I’d say, make the most of it. And that’s probably a good point to wind up our first session, don’t you think? Unless you have any other questions.
W: No, that’s fine. Is this where I have to pay you?
K: Yes, this is where you have to pay me.
W: OK. Worth every penny. Well, every pound.
K: Well, I’m glad that you feel that way.
Sue and Neil
Sue opens the front door almost the second that Wendy knocks. ‘Hello, hello!’ she says, sounding a bit too enthusiastic – sounding like she’s making an effort. ‘Come in. Come in! Neil’s, um, tidying the garage. I’ll go and get… Oh, here he is!’
Wendy steps onto the doormat. It has an imprint that reads ‘I hope you haven’t come empty-handed’ and she has indeed come empty-handed.
She wonders if she should have brought something.
She notes the hallway has changed colour again, this time from off-white to pale hospital green. She thinks she preferred it before.
‘Hey, sis,’ Neil says, stepping forward to hug her quickly and rigidly. The result is more like being patted down by a security guard.
‘Gosh, we were so surprised to hear you were back, weren’t we, Neil?’
‘Yeah. I thought it was mid April.’
‘Come through, come through!’ Sue says. Wendy wonders if she’s going to say everything twice today.
‘So why’d you come home early?’ Neil asks.
‘Ah, I’m full of surprises, me,’ Wendy says, aware that this doesn’t really answer the question. She follows Sue through to the dining room, her brother close behind.
‘Tea?’ Sue asks as Wendy removes her coat. ‘I’ve just boiled the kettle, so…’
‘Yes, tea would be good.’
‘Did you drive, or…?’
‘No, I took the train. Our car’s playing up. And to be honest, I think the train’s easier. There’s so much traffic on the roads these days.’
‘As long as you can afford it,’ Sue says. ‘It’s always so expensive. I’m shocked every time.’
‘It was OK, actually,’ Wendy says. ‘But I suppose I’m travelling off peak.’
‘Milk? Sugar? I should probably remember that, so sorry.’
‘Yes, you probably should remember that. Just milk. Milk is fine.’
‘D’you want to…?’ Sue asks, turning with the two mugs in her hands. ‘Shall we sit in the lounge or…?’
‘No, here’s good,’ Wendy says. There’s something about the lounge that might feel too soft for such a hard conversation. They take their seats, equally spaced around the circular kitchen table. Wendy and Sue nurse their mugs of steaming tea.