Chapter 16
Donovan
I can barely sit still in the taxi, the feeling of wanting to vomit sits high in my stomach.
The entire train journey was spent with my head against the glass, trying to keep my head cool instead of sweating with nerves.
In a few hours, my whole world might implode.
But I’ve got Stephen, Jamie, and Max on standby; the knowledge that I can go back to all of them giving me the boost I need to see this through.
It will be fine; I’m going to sit my mom and Miguel down and tell them I’m gay. I’m going to just say it, just like that. There’s no need to complicate things, no need to make a big deal out of it. I’m gay… I’m gay! That’s all I need to say… two and a half words… easy… right?
The taxi pulls up at Miguel’s house, and I let myself in.
“Mamá? Miguel? I’m here!”
“We’re outside, mijo!” Mom shouts.
I head out to the pool area, but my greeting catches in my throat when I see Beth and Diablo sitting with them.
“Hey, little bro,” Diablo says, pulling me into a hug.
“Hey,” I say, trying to muster up as much enthusiasm as I can. It’s his birthday weekend, what the hell is he doing here? “Happy Birthday. I… uh… I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”
“It’s called a surprise,” he says, punching me on the shoulder.
Beth moves towards me, drawing my attention.
“Hey you,” she says, but as she pulls me into a hug she whispers, “I’m sorry, have we fucked up?”
Understatement of the fucking century.
“Kind of,” I whisper, “I’m going to need your help.”
“Anything,” she says, letting me go. “You look great, Winbrook clearly agrees with you.”
“Thanks,” I say, keeping my arm around her.
My plan is completely shot to shit. What the fuck am I going to do now?
We spend the rest of the day on the loungers, and I tell them what I can about Winbrook, obviously leaving out anything to do with Stephen, and Jamie and Max, and gay bars, and drag shows… all the fun stuff. It’s mainly me reassuring Mom that I’m looking after myself.
I can’t get rid of this feeling of needing to vomit, it’s even worse now that my brother is here.
He always spends his birthday at the clubhouse with the guys, I never in a million years expected him to be at our mom’s.
I haven’t even thought up a plan to tell him yet; I wanted to start with Mom and Miguel and ask them to keep it a secret until I figured out what to do about Diablo.
Seeing him here with Beth confirms that they’re together, he seems lighter somehow, happier than I’ve ever seen him for sure. I always thought she’d be a good influence on him, and I’m happy to see that I’m right… wait… that’s it… she’s a good influence on him…
Beth stands and offers to get everyone a refill, so I jump up to say I’ll help and follow her inside.
“What is going on?” she whispers, as soon as I close the door behind us.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were both going to be here?”
“I literally found out yesterday and was told it was supposed to be a surprise. I thought you’d be happy to see your brother, well, and me. Also, why the football game last night? Is this to do with your hot roommate?”
“Shh,” I say, “I’ll catch you up on the gossip another time, today, you need to help me.”
“I already said I’d do anything, what’s going on?”
“I’m going to come out to my mom and Miguel tonight.”
“Oh my god, Donovan, that’s amazing,” she says, pulling me into a hug before leaning back, realization dawning across her face. “Ohhh… and now we’re here.”
“Exactly.”
“I mean, of course I’ll be there with you if you need me, you can tell all three of them together; I’ll hold your hand the entire time.”
“No fucking way, I can’t tell them all together, it’s too much.” My heart starts pounding in my chest and it’s getting hard to breathe at just the thought of that.
“Okay, okay,” she says, holding my shoulders to steady me. “It’s however you want to do it, whatever you need.”
“Thanks,” I say, taking some deep breaths. “I need you to tell Diablo for me.”
It takes her a moment to process as she looks at me confused. “Wait, what?”
“I need you to tell him for me.”
“Donovan,” she sighs, “I can’t even imagine how scary this must be, but I genuinely don’t think he’ll react how you think he will, he loves you so much.”
“Then it doesn’t matter if you do it for me,” I say, making sure to give her my best puppy dog eyes.
I’m praying inside that she says yes, I definitely can’t tell him myself, but she seems to have softened him. Coming from her it might not sound as bad.
“I don’t know, coming out… it’s a big thing, I don’t want to take that away from you.”
“I get what you’re saying, but please, stop trying to be a good ally.
I’ve got a big enough task telling my religious Mom and her conservative husband; that’s enough coming out barriers without also needing to tell my potentially homophobic, motorcycle club member, brother.
Besides,” I shrug, “I think he’ll take it better coming from you. ”
“Uh… what makes you think hearing it from me will be any better?”
I roll my eyes. “Come on, Beth, everyone knows.”
“Everyone knows what?” she asks, panic crossing her face.
“About you and Diablo.”
“I… uh… I don’t know what you mean?”
“Beth,” I say gently, “it’s okay, I understand why you didn’t tell me, and I’m not mad. Look, everyone knows you’ve been seeing each other, pretty much since my leaving party, we’ve all been talking about it, and you know, helping you both along when needed.”
“What the fuck?” she practically shouts.
“Shh,” I say, glancing outside to check no one heard.
“Yes, everyone knows. And you and I, we will be talking about it, I want all the details… well, not all the details, not the ones that are going to make me feel sick about my brother…” I shudder at the thought of hearing about them fucking.
“But this weekend, this is about me. I want to come out to my mom and Miguel, so I need you to tell your boyfriend… lover… fuck buddy… whatever the hell he is to you… that I’m gay. ”
Beth managed to get Diablo out of the house this evening, and she promised to tell him.
I’m terrified, but I need to put it out of my mind.
I said I’d message her once I’ve told mom and Miguel, so she knows to stay out until after I’ve told them, now I’ve just got to get it over with.
I head into the living room where they’re sitting watching TV, both in their comfy recliner chairs.
“Mamá, Miguel… can I talk to you about something?”
“Of course, mijo,” Mom says, as Miguel turns the TV off.
I perch on the edge of the sofa, not feeling comfortable enough to sit back or lounge.
“Is everything okay?” she asks.
I nod. “Yeah, fine. This is… well… it’s just something important that I think you should know… that I want you to know.”
They both wait patiently, giving me space, and I remind myself that I’ve got Stephen, Jamie, and Max, if I need them. Taking a deep breath, I exhale through my mouth and look at them both.
“Well, you see… I… um… I…”
Mom moves to the sofa, sitting next to me and taking my hand, concern lacing her features. “What’s got you so nervous, mijo?”
I chuckle, “Sorry, you’re right, I am nervous… I’m worried about how you’ll react.”
“Donovan, I love you, nothing you could tell me would ever change that.”
This is it; I just need to say it.
“Mamá… I’m gay.”
Tears fill my eyes, I’m still not used to saying it out loud, not used to the truth existing outside of my mind. Mom’s arms wrap around me and pull me into a hug.
“Oh, mijo,” she says against my shoulder.
“Is that a good ‘oh, mijo’ or a bad ‘oh, mijo’?” I ask, my heart pounding in my chest.
She leans back and cups my face in her hands.
“It’s good, mijo.” Her smile lights up her face but tears also well in her eyes. “Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel like you could tell me sooner, you must have lived with this for so long.”
Sobs escape me and I fall into her arms again, she holds me so tightly I can barely breathe, but I never want her to stop. I cry for the years I’ve kept this in, for the years I lived in fear of people discovering my secret.
“You’re really okay with this?” I ask, not quite believing that she’s taking it in her stride.
“Okay? I’m your mother, all I want is for you to be happy. And if you’re gay, and you want to fall in love with a man, and that will make you happy, then of course I’m okay. If you’re happy, mi nino, I’m happy.”
“I was so scared,” I sniff, tears still running down my face.
“Come here.” She pulls me back into a hug, holding me tight and gently rocking me. “I love you, Donovan. Nothing will ever change that.”
Over her shoulder, Miguel is smiling and nodding his head at me, not wanting to interrupt this moment between us, but sharing that he supports me too.
“Is there someone special?” Mom asks.
I chuckle, “Yes, sort of, it’s complicated.”
“Love shouldn’t be complicated, mijo. If you love someone, you love them.”
I wish I could tell her about Stephen, about how we have to keep it a secret, how it could impact his entire career. But I can’t, I promised him privacy, and as much as I trust my mom, I can’t break that promise.
“It will all work itself out,” I say, wiping my eyes in my sleeve until she bats my hand away and passes me a tissue. “So… Beth is telling D tonight.”
Her face falls for a moment, but she quickly replaces it with a hopeful smile.
“It’s okay,” I reassure her, “I know it might not go well. I’m hoping that with how much he’s softened around Beth that it will help, he’ll understand.”
“So I was right, they are together?” she asks.
I nod. “Keeping it a secret, but yeah, I’m pretty sure they are.”
“Good, she is good for him.”
“Yeah, I just hope it’s enough for him to not want to kill me.”
“Mijo!” she scolds. “You know I don’t like you talking about him like that, he’s not a bad boy. Your father—”
“I know, Mamá. I know he’s not dad, but I have to be realistic. The club is important to him, and you know their rules.”
“He wouldn’t choose the club over his family.” She shakes her head. “Not again, I have to believe that.”
I love that she’s confident, but honestly, I’m just not sure where his mind will fall with this.
I think back to what Jamie said about found family, the club is that for Diablo.
If he chooses them, then maybe it’s the sign I need to find my own family.
Blood family isn’t always everything, I can find my own people.
“Whatever happens, Mamá, I’ll be okay. I have you.”
She smiles and pulls me into another hug. “We must celebrate! Miguel, get the champagne.”
“I don’t think we need champagne,” I chuckle.
“Of course we do, my son is gay, this is a wonderful thing!”
She follows Miguel out to the kitchen, leaving me to breathe for a moment. Taking out my phone, I send Beth a thumbs up emoji, letting her know it all went okay. It doesn’t take long for her to reply… a thumbs down.
Shit, thank you for trying.
Telling mom they must be more serious than I thought if he asked her to call him that.
“You’re mad at Beth for not telling you?” I ask.
He doesn’t answer my question, instead asking one of his own. “Is it true?”
“Yeah, D, it’s true.”
The words come out so easily, I’m not scared anymore, but it’s written across his face, he’s the one full of fear. Yes, it’s hidden behind a mask of cold bravado, but it’s still there. But I’m done living in fear, I’ll find my family, and live my life, and nothing he can say or do will stop me.
“Look, you’re my blood…” he says, “but you know I can’t have someone in my life that’s gay.”
“What the fuck, Angel?” Beth shouts.
I place my hand around her waist to calm her. “It’s okay, let him talk.”
“You know the rules of the club, and you know I’m tied to them. I’m sorry.”
Usually he looks just like our mom, but his demeanor reeks of our father.
I’d never tell him that, to him there could be no worse insult.
But instead of being angry, I find myself feeling sorry for him.
He’s still trapped by the old man’s bigoted views on the world, a man who used murder and violence to solve his problems, and look where he is now, life in prison.
“I can’t keep living a lie,” I say, “I guess I hoped that with everything that’s gone on with you and Beth, that you’d understand. You can’t help who you love, and when you love someone, you don’t want to hide it.”
“It’s not the same thing,” he says, shaking his head, refusing to believe that I might be right.
“Then I guess this is goodbye.”
With nothing left to say, I walk back into the house. He’s made his choice; he chose the club. It’s time for me to choose myself.