Chapter 18
Donovan
I was expecting things to change after coming out to my mom, and with Diablo finding out, but the world doesn’t feel any different today.
Classes have continued as normal, and my interactions with people are the same as they were before the weekend.
I guess I feel lighter, I’m not holding onto my secret as tightly anymore; it’s Stephen’s secret I’m keeping now.
Even though I’m out, it’s not as though I can walk up to him and kiss him hello…
maybe that’s why nothing feels different.
As much as I’m looking forward to seeing him later, I’m worried.
All that talk of the media training yesterday, it doesn’t bode well for our relationship.
Even hearing the word scandal leave his lips felt painful.
We were both too exhausted to talk about it properly, and I managed to suggest getting a good night’s sleep instead, but I’m dreading hearing more about what the media person said.
My mood also isn’t helped by feeling so worried about Beth.
Her message about going back to the clubhouse and finding out it’s definitely over with my brother is making me feel sick.
She’s been living there with him and can’t stay, so she’s moving in with one of the guys, Slim.
She’s safe, but she’s alone, and I know everyone keeps saying it’s not my fault, but it’s hard not to feel responsible.
“Donovan!”
I smile at Jamie’s voice behind me and turn to find him skipping in my direction.
“Hey,” I say, as he pulls me into a hug.
“Hey, do you have class now?” he asks. “Or can we go for coffee so you can fill me in?”
“Classes are all done, and coffee sounds great!”
We link arms and wander in the direction of one of the coffee stands while he tells me about some drama happening in one of his dance classes. After ordering a coffee to go, we find a sunny spot on the grass to sit.
“So, tell me everything!” he says. “Your message said it went okay, but I want details.”
“Things definitely went better than expected with my mom and stepdad, they’re with me and support me.”
“Ahh that makes me so happy.” He reaches over to hold my hand, reminding me so much of Beth that it brings the memory of her tear-stricken face back to me. “Wait, why am I happier than you?”
I sigh, “My brother was there, and it didn’t go so well with him.”
“What happened?”
“He’s in the same motorcycle club my dad started, they have rules about gay people, and he chose to stick with them. A part of me thought that might happen, they’re his found family, like how you said.”
“I’m sorry, Donovan. Even if you expected it, it’s still a dick move on his part.”
“Yeah… to make matters worse, he’s been seeing Beth, and they broke up because of me.”
“When you say, ‘because of you’, what exactly do you mean?” he asks.
“She gave him an ultimatum, if he couldn’t accept me then they’d be done. He left.”
“Good on her,” he says, and I glance up at him in shock.
“What?”
“She did the right thing, and that’s not on you; the only person to blame for their break-up is your asshole brother.
Beth was being an ally, not putting up with his homophobic shit, he was the one who chose wrong.
I’m not saying it doesn’t suck, and I’m not saying I’m happy for the way it turned out, but this is not on you, sweetie. ”
“It’s hard to believe that though,” I say.
“Well I’m telling you that’s the truth, and I’m sure Beth has said the same thing too.”
I nod. “Yeah, she did say that.”
“So listen to us, we’re clearly very wise.”
His words make me laugh and it feels nice, like a weight has been lifted. “I can’t wait for you to meet her one day, you’ll get on so well.”
“I’m looking forward to it,” he says. “Now can we please focus on the positives here, you’re out! You’re free! You don’t need to hide anymore. You can meet men, date, be open to falling in love, all the things you’ve wanted.”
I plaster a smile on my face and nod, trying to match his enthusiasm. But I can’t tell him that I’ve already met someone, that I have feelings for them, and I’m experiencing everything I ever wanted. The truth is that I’m not free, I still have to hide, I still have to keep a secret.
Stephen arrives back to the room not long after me, freshly showered after practice and looking delicious.
“Hey you,” I say, stepping into his arms and inhaling his scent.
“Hey, good day?”
“Mm-hmm.” I nod into his chest. “How was yours?”
“Good, intense. I had to tell Coach Jenkins about the Warriors, and that I’m moving there this weekend.”
“He’s got to be excited though, right?” I ask.
“Oh, he’s thrilled, I’ve never seen him happier. Anyone would think he’d been the one drafted to play for them.”
“So you’re feeling good about it all, better than last night? You seemed down, I was worried,” I say, playing with the trim on his varsity jacket.
“It’s not that I’m feeling down, of course I’m excited. I’m just worried about how it will affect us.” He takes my hand from his jacket and kisses it.
“I mean, it won’t be much different than it is now, will it?” I ask.
He leads me to his bed and sits down, pulling me to stand between his legs while he looks up at me.
“I don’t want it to be,” he says, “but I think we’re going to need to dial this back a bit.”
“Dial this back? We barely have a relationship as it is, how are we supposed to dial it back?”
I’m not sure what he’s asking, we’ve literally been on one date outside this room, and that was to another town.
“I just need to be more careful. The coaches, the media team, reporters… all eyes are going to be on me, I can’t afford to make any mistakes.”
“Mistakes? Are you saying that that’s what this is between us, a mistake?”
“No, baby, I didn’t mean it like that. You know I don’t think that.” He nuzzles into my chest, but it doesn’t feel as comforting as it usually does.
“But other people will,” I say, “they’ll think this is a mistake… like your media person.”
He doesn’t respond, he doesn’t have to, I already know the answer.
He pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around me and I let my fingers run through his hair.
Jamie’s words about being free echo in my head, but I’ve never felt less free.
I’ve had a taste of what it will be like to be out, and now my brother knows, I’ve got no one to hide from anymore.
But I’m carrying an even bigger secret, one that’s external to me, and so much harder to hide.
Tears form and I let them roll down my face, my heart hurting in a way I’ve never felt before.
“Stephen…” I whisper.
He looks up at me, probably hearing the tremble in my voice.
“Baby, please don’t cry. We’re going to be okay, we can make this work, please don’t be upset.”
He gently catches my tears and wipes them away. He’s so wonderful, and perfect, but I know now that he can never truly be mine, and I can never truly be his. I’ll always have to remain his secret.
“Stephen… I think maybe you were right.”
“About what?” he asks.
“At the very start, you told me I deserved more than being someone’s secret. And now I think that maybe you were right… I do deserve more.”
“Donovan…”
Anguish crosses his face, we both know what’s about to happen, I can’t believe I’m going to do this, but I need to.
“I can’t be your secret anymore. I’ve spent my entire life hiding who I am, and now I’m out, but I can’t truly be myself as long as we have to remain a secret.
” He goes to interrupt, but I stop him, knowing that if I don’t say this now I’ll back out.
“I know you’re not in a position to be out yet, and I understand how important your career is to you.
But I’m ready, I need this. Shit, I just lost my brother as a result of coming out, my best friend lost her relationship because of it.
I’m out, and I can’t hide or keep secrets anymore.
I don’t think I can wait however many years it will be until you retire, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry. ”
“Baby, please don’t do this. I don’t want to lose you, we’re so great together.” Tears well in his eyes, close to escaping.
“I know we are; I’m not doing this because I want to. Fuck, I’m so close to falling in love with you, but now you’re telling me we need to be even more secretive. Stephen, I’m going to get my heart broken.”
“You know I would never want to hurt you.” He stands and cups my face with his hands, his eyes pleading with me through tears.
“Of course I know that; this isn’t about either of us wanting to hurt each other. This is about you needing to do what’s right for your career, the thing you’re passionate about, the thing you love. And me, choosing to love myself for once.”
“I can’t…” he chokes on the words. “I don’t want to do this without you.”
“You can, and you will. You’re going to play in the NFL; this is everything you’ve worked for, everything you’ve ever wanted.”
“But I want you too,” he whispers.
“And I want you. But…” I sigh, “maybe this isn’t the right time for us. Or maybe this was always meant to be temporary.”
“No,” he shakes his head, “you don’t mean that, you just said you’re close to falling in love with me. This isn’t temporary, what we have, it doesn’t feel temporary.”
“I know it doesn’t… but can you honestly tell me that this will work if I don’t want to be in a secret relationship?”
Stephen
“I know it doesn’t,” he says, “but can you honestly tell me that this will work if I don’t want to be in a secret relationship?”
“I don’t want this to end, Donovan. I… we…” I flounder, searching for words, anything I can say to make him rethink this.