Chapter 19
Donovan
It’s safe to say that this week has sucked.
Staying with Jamie and Max has been fine; they’ve been amazing and didn’t even ask why I needed to sleep on their couch, it was an automatic yes.
I’ve kept my head down, attended class, gone back to the dorm for clean clothes when I knew Stephen wouldn’t be there, and basically tried not to cry myself to sleep every night.
Up until now I’ve avoided him completely, sticking to the campus buildings where I know he doesn’t have classes, and going to coffee shops he doesn’t frequent.
It might seem extreme, going cold turkey like this, but I know if I have the opportunity to talk to him, I’ll tell him I was wrong, beg him to take me back, tell him I’ll be his secret for as long as he wants.
Short term that would be great, but it’s not what I want or need long term. I’ve hidden in secrets for too long, I need to be myself. And he also needs to be able to focus on football, without worrying about the wrong people finding out about us, or it turning into a scandal as he called it.
He’s been given the opportunity of a lifetime. I remember him telling me that less than two percent of college players get drafted, he’s in that two percent, and not only drafted, but now a starting player. He’s worked his whole life for this, and he’s earned it.
Going cold turkey was the best idea, but I couldn’t not see Stephen before he left.
I knew he’d have one final practice with the Winbrook team, so here I am watching.
Not like a normal person though… no, I’m underneath the bleachers, like a fucking stalker.
I don’t feel like things could get any worse, it’s a low point for sure, and I know the only person who can talk some sense into me is Beth.
I dial her number, hoping that she’s free so I don’t have to be completely alone while I watch Stephen laughing and joking with his teammates.
“Hey,” she answers, “how are you doing?”
“Not too bad, you?”
“Not too bad,” she says, but her voice is full of sadness.
I let out a chuckle at our attempts to put on brave faces. “How are you really doing?” I ask.
“Shit,” she laughs, “I feel like shit… you?”
“Same.” A strange sound echoes down the phone. “What’s that weird squelching noise?”
“I’m trying to distract myself by decorating Slim’s spare room.”
“Hmm,” I murmur, “and how’s that working out for you?”
“Oh great,” she says, “I’m not at all thinking about how the man I fell in love with turned out to be a bigoted asshole… and that even though I know I should hate him, I can’t because I love him and I miss him so much it hurts… yeah, decorating is really helping.”
“Wow… you weren’t lying, you really have resorted to pure sarcasm to stop yourself from crying.”
“Yeah,” she says, “not sure it’s working though. Anyway, what are you up to?”
“Promise you won’t judge me if I tell you?” I ask.
“You know I won’t.”
“I’m hiding under the bleachers watching the football practice.”
She doesn’t know the details, but she knows I was seeing a football player and that it ended.
“Hmm… and how’s that working out for you?” she asks.
“Oh great,” I chuckle, using the same tone she used. “I’m not at all thinking about how my coming out fucked up both of our relationships with my brother, and then the icing on the cake is losing my own relationship too… Huh… you might be onto something with this sarcasm thing.”
“Donovan, you can’t blame yourself for what happened with Angel and I. Knowing what I do now, it would never have worked out. Better that it’s ended now instead of further down the line.”
“But if I’d have never come out—”
“I’m glad you came out,” she interrupts, “I love you and I want the best for you. And the best is being able to live openly and loving who you want… and you know… fucking lots of hot guys.” I can’t help but laugh, she’s always describing herself as sex positive and she’ll use any excuse to talk about it.
“I know it’s too soon,” she says, “but one day, I want to hear all the dirty details of your hot gay sex.”
“Not yet, but one day, I promise. I think you’ll be proud of me.”
“Ooh I will? How exciting!” she chuckles. “You know, I was so used to telling you stories about the guys I hooked up with at Platinum; it was weird not telling you about Angel…”
“Considering that he’s my brother, it would’ve been weird for me if you had. I’m not particularly thrilled about the idea of hearing what type of lay he is.”
“Hmm… true.” She pauses for a moment, as though she’s thinking about her next words. “I went to Platinum a few days ago.”
“Yeah?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“And?” I ask.
“I met someone; we went back to his hotel, but I couldn’t do it. His driver ended up taking me back to Slim’s.”
Going to Platinum was a regular thing for her before my brother, but I thought she’d stopped since they’d been together.
“It does seem a bit soon,” I say, “why did you go in the first place?”
“I overheard Slim and Pretty Boy talking on the phone, they went to meet another club, and Angel… well… you know…”
“He hooked up with someone else?”
“Yeah… it sounded like he had a threesome.”
The sadness in her voice breaks my heart. She told my brother she loved him, and she’s never said that to anyone before. And this is how he acts right after they break up? I’d put my anger for him to the side, but knowing he’s done that to Beth is making me feel it all again.
“Fucking asshole,” I say through gritted teeth.
“It’s like, it was all I could picture in my head. I felt so angry, the last two months clearly meant nothing to him. I guess… I just wanted to prove it was the same for me. But it wasn’t… it isn’t.”
That voice resounds in my head again, telling me it’s my fault they’re not together. They were in love, and now they’re apart, all because of me.
“Shit, Beth. I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” she says, “I just… I love him, and I fucking miss him, but I hate that I miss him.”
“Beth, I know we’re best friends, and we’ll always be best friends—you’re my family. But I don’t want you to miss out on him because of me.”
“I already said it’s not because of you. Yes, I hate what he did to you; but even if you weren’t a factor, I can’t be with someone who has those views. I should never have let it get that far with him; I knew the club rule, and I shouldn’t have ignored it. And…”
“And what?”
“Nothing,” she says.
It’s clear there’s more to the story, but she’s not ready to talk about it yet, and considering how many things I’m keeping from her, I’m not exactly in a position to lecture her about being honest. We both sit quietly, letting it sink in; I listen to her soft breaths down the phone, missing her in this moment more than I have the entire time I’ve been away.
“Do the rest of the club know about me?” I ask.
“I don’t think so, no one’s said anything about it to me anyway.”
“You think my brother is too ashamed of me to tell them… or is he trying to protect me?”
She exhales with a sigh. “Honestly, I have no fucking clue what’s running through his head… maybe I never did.”
“I’m sure that’s not the case,” I say, “you can’t just discard the last two mo—” My phone beeps with another call coming through, Diablo’s name appearing on my screen. “Oh shit!”
“What?” she asks.
“Nothing, I’m uh…” I can’t tell her it’s him, talk about rubbing salt in her wounds, but he’s phoning, and my first thought is that this could be life or death, depending on how seriously he’s taking my father’s rules. “I’m just getting another call through; can I call you over the weekend?”
“Yeah—” she starts, but I hang up.
I know it’s rude, but this could be a heads up… or a warning. Both of which could be time dependent.
“Hello,” I answer.
“Donovan?” He sounds shocked and surprised.
“Yeah… you called me.”
“I know, I’m just surprised you picked up.”
“Well I did, what do you want?”
“I need to see you, please. Can I come to Winbrook?” he asks.
My first thought is no fucking way… Other than Jamie and Max, I’m alone here, and I’m not dragging them into my brother’s club shit.
“No,” I say.
“Well can I meet you somewhere, please, I really need to see you.”
He doesn’t sound angry, he sounds almost desperate; I’ve never heard him like this before, and it’s not what I was expecting from this call.
“Fine, where are you?”
“I’m at Mom and Miguel’s place.”
I’ve got no idea why he’d be at their house; he’s only started going recently because of Beth, so for him to be there of his own accord makes no sense…
“Um… I can meet you there tomorrow, I’ll get the train.” I hang up before he can reply, not trusting myself after what Beth just told me about him, he might not be angry, but I am.
I ring the doorbell instead of letting myself in. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because Diablo was here first… or maybe I’m just hoping there’s no answer, so I don’t actually have to see him.
When he opens the door, my shoulders drop in disappointment, there goes my plan for not seeing him.
“Hey,” he says, “thanks for coming.”
I nod and head straight for my mom and Miguel, grateful that they’re here. Mom pulls me into a hug; she doesn’t know anything about Stephen or what happened between us, but she must sense I’m unhappy.
“How are you, mijo?” she asks.
“I’m doing okay.”
“I love you,” she says, “this will all be okay.”
“I love you too, Mamá. I hope so.”
She lets me go and I turn to Diablo. “You wanted to talk?”
“Yeah,” he nods, “shall we go sit outside?”
I don’t even reply, not wanting to engage in niceties with him, instead making my way towards the kitchen and out to the pool area.
“Here,” he offers me a beer as he sits on a lounger opposite me.
“What do you want?” I ask, taking the bottle.
“To apologize,” he says, looking at me hopefully. “I was an asshole.”
“You’ve got that right,” I scoff, happy he’s getting straight to the point at least.