18. I’m not alone
18
I’M NOT ALONE
HALLE
I feel like a child sneaking back home, not wanting to be caught. But it’s the middle of the morning, and the guy I snuck out to meet is following behind me, carrying my shirt that was too heavy to keep on when we emerged from the waterfall.
Never in my life have I felt so consumed before, by nature, by him. His lips, strong arms, the heat of his body in the chill of the water wrapped around me. My core throbs thinking about moments ago. Asher’s lips were… they were everything, and it wasn’t just the kiss. It was the way he held me in that possessive way where it felt like all my broken pieces were being glued back together. The chaos inside me went quiet and, in a way only Asher has ever made me feel… Safe. It wasn’t aggressive, but dominating. His grip was tight around my waist, his hand on the back of my head, fusing us together, his tongue moving in sync with mine. The way he grabbed his discarded shirt, his heated gaze never leaving mine as he held it out and said, “Here, sweetheart, swap your shirt for this one.” His words, so simple but caring, made my heart stutter.
I trace my finger over my lower lip, where his taste still lingers—minty but bitter, dark and intoxicating yet cool and fresh. It’s all Asher. A shiver rolls down my spine, and I glance back at him, my eyes roaming over his bare chest, his toned stomach, and back up. Heat rises up my neck as he winks at me, a knowing smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth, and I quickly turn back. If there was any doubt before, there isn’t now. He’s pulled me in, completely undone me, and now I crave more.
I pause by my car and turn to face Asher. “So, how are we doing this?” I ask.
He looks at me, his head tilted in confusion. “Doing what?”
“You know… What if Hunter’s awake? What are we going to say to him when we walk in looking like this?” I wave my hand between the two of us.
My shorts have uncomfortably dried and cling to my thighs. I’m wearing Asher’s shirt that has two gaping holes down the side where my arms go, my hair is clumpy and wet, and he’s just… I look him up and down and curse. He’s just shirtless, carrying my things but looking like we didn’t go for a swim at all. What the fuck.
Asher chuckles, running a hand through his curls. “We’ll tell him that I threw you into the water for a swim.”
I gape at him. “But what if he thinks that’s weird? What if he asks more questions?”
Panic starts to creep its way inside my chest. How am I supposed to tell my brother that I just kissed his best friend?
Asher steps closer. Gently holding my arm, he gives me a light squeeze and quietly laughs at my disarray. “Let him think what he wants, Halle. We have nothing to hide.”
“I don’t even know what to think,” I whisper, glancing down at my bare feet .
The mood suddenly shifts, the space between us feeling heavier than before.
I can’t do anything right.
Asher pulls me in, wrapping his arms around me, and rests his head on top of mine. “I’ll talk to him. But if he’s awake, then you hug him because after reading his letter, you both need it. Let me worry about everything else.”
I take in a steadying breath. He’s right. I need to hug my brother, to tell him I’ve missed him. Stepping out of his hold, his warmth stays wrapped around me, and I offer him a weak smile. For the first time since my Mom left me… Hunter left me, I don’t feel so alone. The tightness deep in my chest starts to loosen, and my shoulders drop slightly.
Asher’s eyes soften as he reaches out to link our pinky fingers. “Come on—” he starts to say just as Hunter’s voice booms across the yard.
“Why the fuck are you half-naked, dude? And why is my sister wearing your shirt?”
Startled, we jump apart, spinning to see Hunter standing on the porch, rubbing one of his eyes with the back of his hand, his hair sticking up in every direction. I hold back a laugh—he looks like death warmed up, the dark circles under his eyes are prominent, and his shirt is on backward. Movement behind him catches my attention, and my eyes narrow in on Connor. He’s standing there, grinning behind a coffee mug, his eyes flicking between Asher and me.
He better not say anything. I know he knows something is going on, and he’s got that trouble-making expression written all over his face. I scowl at him, and he tilts his head at me while he mimics zipping his lips, followed by dramatically throwing away an imaginary key. My hand flies up to cover my mouth, and I cough into it to cover a giggle that tries to escape at Connor’s antics. He turns and lets out a howl of laughter as he stalks back into the house, leaving Hunter on the porch alone.
“What the fuck’s so funny, dude?” Hunter yells after him as Asher mutters, “Fucking Connor,” at the same time beside me.
I glance at Hunter, whose attention is now back on me. His eyebrow arches, clearly waiting for me to explain, but suddenly I’m ten again. I’m the little girl who thought the whole world of her big brother, the one who needed him to protect her from mean words and dirty looks.
Hunter’s words in his letter come back to me. I’ll never stop worrying about you.
I run to him, colliding into his chest as I wrap my arms around his middle and let out a shaky breath, gripping the back of his shirt even as he stiffens at being caught off guard, but only for a second. Hunter’s arms close around me, and something inside me clicks into place. It feels like coming home. I hold on so tight, like the little girl in me is trying to make up for all the missed hugs over the years.
“Missed you, big bro,” I murmur into him, my voice hitching as longing overwhelms me.
His arms tighten around me. “Hey, lil sis.”
“I’m sorry for shutting you out,” I rush out before he can ask me any questions.
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. Are you okay, Halle?” he asks, voice laced with concern.
I must seem crazy. Here I am, walking back home in his best friend’s shirt, with his best friend, and running into his arms emotionally overwhelmed. That connection we had when I was little has long disappeared, so there’s no telling him what’s going on inside my head with just a look now.
“I… ah, read your letter again,” I quietly say.
Hunter begins to pull away, but I don’t let go, needing this moment to last longer. It feels like we’ve been pulled back in time to those days where a hug from my big brother could fix anything. He catches on without hesitation and moves me so I’m tucked under his shoulder as he drags us over to the swing chair.
Settling in, he sighs. It’s one of those sighs where the weight of all your secrets stops holding you down, a sigh that tells me that this moment will change everything for better or worse.
Hunter pushes back on his heel, moving us back and forth, and I pick at the hem of Asher’s shirt as I lean into him.
“So,” he hesitantly starts.
I glance up at him, my foot beginning to tap as the anxiety I keep locked down starts to creep through me. I push against the fear, the doubt, and after all these years, I ask him the one question that’s plagued my mind.
“Why did you leave me, Hunt?” I ask before he can say anything else.
Silence falls over us as he takes a moment to gather his thoughts. The tapping of my foot grows faster, and my mind starts reeling. What is it that he can’t tell me? Pulling my legs up to tuck underneath me, I take in a deep breath, calming my nerves. My gaze roams around the front porch, and I notice how empty it looks. The shoes that are usually piled up are gone, and the towels that hang around are missing. Come to think of it, I can’t recall the last time Hunter had a full house of people. My nose scrunches, and my stomach sinks. Has he made everyone stay away because of me?
Hunter pulls his arm back and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He tilts his head slightly in my direction, but his eyes are distant like he’s taken himself back to that time.
“You have to know—I didn’t want to leave you.” His voice catches, and he takes in a deep breath.
I give him a small smile, encouraging him to keep going.
“I tried to protect you as much as I could, you know.” The corner of his mouth tugs up in a sad smile as he turns, staring out toward the street, lost in the past. “Your relationship with Mom is different from mine. She didn’t want to expose you to the life we were truly living, and against all our odds, I agreed with her. When she was home, she put the last of her energy into making you feel safe, and when she was gone, I stepped in. I took you to the parks, to the arcade, on the adventures you would create in your little mind. But I couldn’t always be there for you with school.” He pauses, a crease forming between his brows. “As you got older, I could see it in your eyes—the way his words got to you. How they crawled through your little mind, digging deeper as the years went on.”
My heart thrashes inside my chest, and my legs fly out from under me as I go to stand, but Hunter’s hand shoots out, landing firmly on my knee to stop me. What the hell does he mean they didn’t want to expose me to the life we were living? I can’t breathe.
“Let me finish, please, Halle,” he insists, pleading with me.
My jaw clenches, and I nod for him to go on.
“I left because I had to.” His shoulders tense, and the muscle in his jaw ticks. “If I stayed, I would have snapped, and I couldn’t do that to you. Things for me were different. It wasn’t just his words that hurt.”
I suck in a sharp breath. What… what is Hunter trying to tell me here? My mind races back in time, but my memories ar e only of the fun times with Hunter, the adventures we would go on, the way he would sneak me out when… when things would get scary.
Reaching out, I grab his arm. “Hunter, did he…?” My words die in my throat as a sick, worrying feeling slams into my chest.
“It’s okay, I’m okay.” The reassurance in his voice doesn’t do anything to calm the worry, though.
“One day, I’ll tell you everything. But it’s… it’s hard to go back there. I left, Halle, because I made a deal with Mom. I was meant to build a life for us, to get out and come back for you. That was the end game. She was supposed to look after you, protect you until I was set up.” He stands, walking over to the railing, and leans against it. “But then she fucking left and I couldn’t get to you. Ray stopped every phone call, every letter, knowing that I couldn’t ever step back in that town because of my own messed up reasons.” His voice hardens, anger radiates off him as he rakes his hands through his hair, gripping it tightly.
I flinch at the sudden change in his mood and the tone in his voice. The anger throws me back in time, and my body goes rigid.
Noticing my reaction, Hunter’s eyes soften, and he drops down in front of me, gently placing his hand on my knee.
“I’m sorry, lil sis, it’s just been so damn hard. I’ve been so worried about you, and to have you show up here after all this time…” He trails off, shaking his head.
“I promise you, I was always meant to come back for you but shit just happened. Mom stopped staying in touch, everything went to hell, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I failed you, I failed at being the big brother you needed. I’m so sorry, Halle.”
My heart tightens at his words, and the sadness that swims in his eyes is like a punch to the gut. He never left me, did he? All this time, I thought he abandoned me, that he didn’t want to be my big brother anymore, but that’s not true at all. How could he have known how hard and lonely my life had become after he left? After Mom had checked out and abandoned me, too?
A weight lifts from my shoulders, and tears prick at the corner of my eyes. As I look at him, he sees it—the moment I let go of all the hurt and resentment. A tear tracks down my cheek, leaving my skin feeling cold as another follows in its place.
Hunter stands and pulls me into his chest. Wrapping my arms around him, I allow the ten-year-old little girl in me to cling to her big brother.
“Halle,” he murmurs, his voice tight with worry, “I have to know… the years after Mom left, he didn’t… he didn’t do anything to you, did he?”
“No,” I rush out to ease his tension. “No, I kept myself locked away in my room, at school or work. I was just his slave, his bank account, and his punching bag for his cruel words,” I confess.
The emotional damage runs deeper than he’ll ever know—the hurt, the anxiety, the self-doubt carved into me over years of being beaten down. But fixing it? That’s on me. Hunter can’t help with that, and I think I might be able to now. Fight back against the whispers in my head, that is.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers to me, and I squeeze him one last time before pulling back.
I wipe the tears from my face and smile at him. “Maybe it’s not too late for us to start over again as a family, but this time just you and me. If it’s okay with you, Hunt, I’d like to start paying my way. I like it here, and I want to give it a real shot. ”
My brother’s face breaks into a smile, the kind where it stretches wide and lights up his eyes. Something between us shifts, like it was the cue the universe was looking for, and I can’t help but widen my smile back, feeling a sense of hope settle in my chest.
“You got it, lil sis. You can start Friday night,” he says, stepping away.
A loud whoop sounds from behind the door, followed by Connor yelling, “Halle’s staying for good! Let’s celebrate! I’m calling Madi!”
A small laugh slips out of me and Hunter groans, muttering, “For fucks sake,” while Connor’s footsteps echo as he runs away.
“Hey, Hunter,” I call softly before he disappears back inside. He turns, and I meet his eyes.“Thank you.”
I watch him head back inside, and my heart trips over itself. The back of my neck tingles, my skin warms, and the magnetic pull I always feel when he’s near intensifies. Through the door, I catch sight of Asher leaning casually against the wall, his gaze fixed on me. My pulse starts to race, and when our eyes meet, his mouth curves into a slow, knowing smile before he pushes off from the wall and walks down the hallway, silently asking me to follow.