17. I don’t breathe. I can’t breathe
17
I DON’T brEATHE. I CAN’T brEATHE
HALLE
I hear the faint but distinct thud of footsteps coming my way, the rustling of trees in the air against the summer breeze, and the crunch of sticks and stones growing louder with each second. Anticipation stirs low in my stomach as my eyes stay focused on the clearing across Falls Creek.
We’ve been doing this quiet dance all week now, meeting down here early in the mornings without planning it, without telling anyone. I’m not sure who worked it out first, but Asher came to know that I spend my mornings sketching here, and I’ve learned that the guy never seems to sleep. Why anyone would want to work all night and wake early in the morning to run is beyond me. Maybe those nightmares he told me about are worse than I could ever imagine.
My heart squeezes at that thought. He still hasn’t told me anything more about his cousin, Aiden, or what happened, and as the days go by, I wonder if he ever will. I knew from the beginning that the pain and mistrust he was throwing at me came from something deeper. He saw right through me, and I think my pain triggered his own .
Shifting on the rock, I glance down at my sketchpad. My brows pinch inwards as I take in the drawing I started last night, the heaviness of it falling on my chest like a weight, pulling me down. Tracing my finger over the eyes I drew—the ones I miss so much—I swallow the lump in my throat. Gripping my pencil tighter, I tip my head back, closing my eyes and letting the sunlight breaking through the tree line wash over me. Hoping it’ll take the ache away. The warmth seeps into my skin, and my mind wanders, thinking about her and where she could be. She left me, and no matter how much time passes, I can’t stop missing her. If only I could. That would make the pain easier to live with, less overwhelming. It would fill the hole she left in my heart.
“Whose eyes?” His voice comes out of nowhere, and I jolt backward, my pencil slipping from my hand as adrenaline shoots through my veins and my stomach drops.
“Jesus Christ, Asher!” I yell, heart racing. “Don’t sneak up on me like that.”
I glare up at him as he stands over me, and my breath catches in my throat. Why is he so damn good-looking? Even after running, with his gray shirt sticking to him like a second skin from sweat, his shorts molded to his muscular thighs. He coughs, and I look at him sheepishly, only to find a cocky smirk planted on his face. He knows I was ogling him. I can feel my cheeks heating up, and I duck down to pick up my pencil, hoping to hide the blush.
“You okay there, sweetheart?”
The way he says “sweetheart” hits me in the chest and makes my heart stutter. When he first started calling me that, I hated it. Loathed it, even. I’m not anyone’s sweetheart. I never have been, and there’s never been a future for me to be someone’s sweetheart. I’m worthless. But the more he says it, the more I start to believe maybe I could be his. And that’s a dangerous thing to feel.
“Mhmm, fine,” I mutter.
“You know, I’ve always been told that when a woman says, ‘I’m fine,’ they don’t actually mean it.” He gives me that look that says you’re full of shit Halle and moves to sit beside me. “So, let’s try that again. You okay?”
A moment passes by in silence before he presses his leg up against mine, offering me that silent support he somehow knows I always need. I’m not sure when it happened exactly, but the connection between us grew this week. Since he opened up to me and gave me a piece of his past, it’s becoming harder to ignore. A part of me just wants to lay everything out on the table for him—to have someone there to help me shoulder my baggage—but the voices in my head won’t let me. They whisper to me every night, no matter how hard I try to fight them during the day. No one will ever love you. You’re just here to waste space. I’m so tired of fighting them.
“They’re my mom’s eyes,” I whisper low, not sure if Asher will hear over the waterfall crashing in the distance.
“You miss her?”
“Every day,” I choke out. “But I’m angry every day, too, because she was selfish, and she left me.” I turn my head to look at him and find him staring at me.
Asher’s eyes roam over my face, and an understanding passes between us. His hand tentatively and slowly rises, his knuckles brushing the side of my cheek, and I find myself leaning into his touch without a second thought. No one’s ever asked me if I miss her.
My nose stings as I try my best to hold back the tears that threaten to overwhelm me. No one’s ever seen me cry over her, either. His thumb gently sweeps over my cheek, and I glance down at her eyes— my eyes. They’re the same pale blue, almost gray, that Hunter and I share.
“Hunter’s never spoken about her,” Asher whispers, his voice gentle.
My eyes find his again, and he hesitates, uncertain if he should keep going. I give him a soft smile, silently telling him it’s okay.
“I know when he found out she left you, it killed him. Halle, he worried about you every single day. He tried so hard to get to you over the years, but his calls and letters, they all went unanswered. Until just over a month ago when you found his last letter and showed up here two days later.”
I suck in a sharp breath, holding it as Asher’s words sink in. I didn’t know this. He was reaching out to me, trying to get to me the whole time? My mind races back to that last letter I found. Without thinking, I flip through my sketchpad until I get to the back, where I folded and tucked his letter away. I’ve never gone back to read it and never thought about it until now. When I first found it, I was too torn up, too angry over what Ray had done, how he erased her from my life, that I didn’t stop to pay attention to Hunter’s words. I skipped straight to the number and address.
With shaky hands, I unfold the letter, smoothing the creases out over my legs. Asher shifts so he’s facing me fully and takes my hand in his. His warmth calms the jittery nerves racing through me as I lower my gaze and read Hunter’s letter.
Lil sis, this is going to be my last letter for a while… It hurts to write this because si nce I left you, I have done everything in my power to set up a life for us. You were never supposed to be away from me for this long and I don’t know at what point everything went to shit and I lost contact with you, but If you ever read this, I need you to know that I had to leave. There are things you don’t know and were too young to be told, and Halle, I hope like hell that one day we meet again so I can explain it all. Until then, I beg you to understand that I can’t keep going like this. The worry is eating me alive, and my friends, my family I found, they’re going crazy with me. I owe it to them to be happy. I’ll never stop worrying about you, but fuck, you’re twenty-one now and I pray you’ll find me. Like every other letter, my address and number are written below.
Please, lil sis, find your big bro and get out.
Love you.
Blurry… The words on the letter become blurry, and I blink rapidly, the tears spilling from my eyes. My hand that’s clenching my shirt near my heart grows damp. I can’t breathe. My chest hurts, my body stiffens, and I begin to sh ake.
“Hey, hey, Halle.” Asher’s concerned voice breaks through the storm rolling through my head. “I need you to breathe for me, sweetheart.”
My eyes lock onto his, and he motions for me to take in a deep breath. I follow him blindly because when I look at him, when he touches me, everything goes silent, like he’s throwing a safety net over me. My heart races, and I hiccup on the next breath as the tears keep pouring from me. Slowly, he pulls me from my storm, and I slump into his arms. They tighten around me as he rests his hand on the back of my neck, drawing me to his chest, holding me close. Keeping me safe.
“I don’t know her story, or yours, the life you’ve had to live after your brother left. All I know is Hunter’s story and Halle, I don’t think you really know his, just as he doesn’t know yours,” he says as I breathe through the emotions threatening to drown me. “Maybe it’s time to have that talk with him. To find peace together and move forward.”
Pulling back slightly, my eyes search his, and I nod, offering him a weak smile because I know deep down he’s right. He leans forward, resting his forehead on mine, and for a moment, peace engulfs me. The birds flying and singing overhead fill the air, breaking the quiet of the morning as the tension slowly leaves me.
“I’m sorry, I’m a mess,” I whisper to him.
“What have I said to you about saying sorry?” He pulls back just enough to look at me.
His hands come to hold either side of my face, and a small gasp leaves me, his touch causing my pulse to spike. I can’t tear my eyes away from his lips, and the way he bites down on his lip ring stirs something deep inside me. The warmth of his hands on my skin awakens me .
“I want to kiss you,” he says, his voice deep and raspy, “but I’m not sure now is the right time, and when I do kiss you, I want it to be so consuming that neither of us can stop.”
My lips part, and butterflies assault my stomach. I lean in and wait for him because right now, he’s consuming every part of me, and I would love nothing more than for his lips to crash down on mine. Making me forget it all, even for a moment in time.
A child’s squeal pierces the air, shattering the moment, and we both jolt back as if we’re two kids caught eating candy in the middle of the night. Laughing quietly, we turn toward the sound just as a parent yells, “Get back here!”
Asher turns to face me, a smirk tugging at his lips. The playfulness in his expression makes my heart speed up as he eyes the water in front of us.
“Ever gone swimming under a waterfall, sweetheart?” he asks.
My eyes glance down at what I’m wearing and then back to him, my brows raised. Somehow, I don’t think denim shorts and a tee so oversized it’s like a dress would feel too good to swim in.
“Clothes have never stopped me before,” he says with a grin, standing up and grabbing the back of his shirt to pull over his head.
My jaw pops open, and my eyes widen. The way his muscles ripple and tense with the movement sends a wave of heat to my core, and I can’t look away.
Asher steps in close, gently placing his thumb under my chin and guiding my head back to meet his gaze. “Careful, Halle,” he whispers huskily, “you’ll send my imagination wild with your mouth open like that.”
I don’t breathe. I can’t breathe. Did he just…? Am I hearing…? My f ace feels hot all over, and my mouth goes dry. I start to tap my pencil, my nerves firing off inside me, and I can’t hide how flustered I’ve become by his words. His hand drops, and before my mind can catch up, a gravelly chuckle escapes him as he winks at me.
“Swimming and I don’t really work,” I say, glancing out at the waterfall, feeling embarrassed by my confession.
Standing to gather my things, the sunlight on the water catches my attention, creating a rainbow in the mist. It’s beautiful and distracting. In one moment, I’m lost to how the colors dance together, and the next, Asher’s arms are suddenly wrapping around my legs, lifting me effortlessly over his shoulder. A startled squeal escapes me as my hands grasp at his back.
“Asher! What the hell!?” I laugh. “Put me down!”
“Nah, sweetheart, we’re going swimming!” he shouts over his shoulder, his hold tightening on me.
Laughter bubbles out of me, catching me off guard. The thrill and excitement rushing through me is something I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s almost like I’m watching from the outside. I don’t think or worry. For once, I just give in and let myself live. I stop squirming and surrender, letting my body go still as I take in the view. And Asher’s ass is a nice view from up here. I can’t help but imagine how it would feel beneath my hands. Strong, firm, and… Before my mind drifts any further, I’m suddenly airborne. With a loud yelp, I’m thrown into the cold water, clothes and all. The shock takes my breath away as strong arms wrap around my center, pulling me to the surface. I’m gasping and spluttering as I wipe my hair from my face, instinctively wrapping my legs around his hips.
“Asher!” I yell, glaring at him.
He chuckles, moving us backward. The roar of the water crashing down drowns out everything else, and I barely hear him when he leans in and says, “You ready?”
Before I can get a word out, he spins us in a quick circle. The pressure of the water crashes down like a heavy weight dropping on my shoulders, and I tense as the force of it makes me fall into Asher’s chest, my arms locking around his neck. Feeling his shoulders shake under me, I pull back to find him silently laughing, and I playfully smack his chest. The cool mist of the water hits my back, and the damp stone, mossy leaves, and freshwater fills my nose, reminding me he just pulled me under a waterfall with no warning.
I stare around us in awe. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful, so loud and chaotic, with the world fading into the background before. This is better than the stars.
“But the stars are where we heal,” Asher whispers into my ear, his voice soft.
My eyes fly to his, and my lips part, unaware that I said that out loud. My pulse picks up as his intense gaze falls to my lips, and I feel my breath catch as my core tightens. He slowly brings his hand up to cup my face, his thumb brushing my lower lip. I have no idea how long we float there in the clear, shallow water. Seconds? Minutes? Time blurs as I watch him fight with his morals, his eyes flicking between mine. A low groan escapes him when he snaps and gives up on the fight. My nerves take flight low in my core as my legs tighten around him.
“Fuck it,” he mumbles as his lips crash down on mine.