35. Summer 19
Ispent most of the day in bed since Andrew left. I sobbed myself to sleep about an hour after he crawled out of my window, and I slept until the next morning. My body certainly needed it after all of the emotional turmoil I’ve put it through recently, and the alternative is being awake where I can think about what happened yesterday and see Andrew hasn’t called or texted me. Not that I’ve made an effort either. I’m hurt, and everything feels final. He doesn’t want to be friends, and I don’t know how to convince him to take me back after what happened yesterday. I know he said he wanted to talk things through, but he also stormed out. I’m not sure what to make of everything.
Maybe a run will clear my head and help me find solutions. It’s the only thing I can think to do, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my time here holed up in the cabin.
When I finally exit my room with my hair pulled back into a high ponytail, Dani looks up from her computer. She appears to be editing the photos she took of me before I left for Yeehaw’s. The thought makes my stomach feel like it got thrown down a flight of stairs, tumbling and turning over and over again until it settles in a sour, painful ball. How did everything change so quickly?
“Are you okay?” she presses, puddles of worry filling her green eyes.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I was just really tired.” I shirk off her concern, grabbing my watch off the charger on the kitchen counter.
Her watchful eyes follow my every movement. “Nuh-uh. Something’s wrong. I’m not just talking about you sleeping in. I haven’t seen you in over twenty-four hours, and now your eyes look swollen and red. Come talk to me.” She pats the dining room chair next to her.
Part of me considers ignoring her and rushing out the door to some peace and quiet. I want to be left alone with my breaking heart and all the emotions that come along with it. I need this run to figure out my next steps. I already know what Dani’s going to say. I don’t need to sit through a discussion with her to know she’s going to tell me this whole fight was stupid, but it doesn’t matter because it’s over now, and the only option I have is to figure out how to move forward.
“I don’t feel like talking right now, Dani.”
Hearing the screeching of Dani pushing her chair out, I refuse to turn around. I’m so emotionally drained. I don’t think I can have a conversation with her right now, especially about my fight with Andrew.
She grabs my shoulder, turning me to face her.
“What’s your problem?” I protest, my guard up.
Her eyes grow wide with confusion and maybe a little hurt. “What’s my problem? What’s your problem, Emma? I’ve told you I’m here for you. You can tell me anything. I don’t know what else I need to do to prove to you that you can trust me.” Her voice continues to raise an octave with each sentence. “I’m your sister for crying out loud!”
I wince as she manages to send a dagger or two right to my heart.
I lower my walls a little. “I’m sorry. There’s just a lot going on in my mind right now, and I know you’re not going to understand, but it’s already done.”
She furrows her brows. “Why do you assume I won’t understand? Even if I don’t, do you not trust me to at least try to understand your side?”
I purse my lips, trying to fight the guilt building up inside of me. Sighing, I explain, “Andrew and I had this massive fight yesterday. I don’t think there’s any coming back from it, but it’s fine. We needed to go back to being just friends anyway. It’s for the best.”
I can already tell she’s trying to hide her reaction. Her face remains stoic, but her eyes are searching. “Oh, Emma, I’m so sorry! What happened?”
“I told him I was afraid of doing long-distance, which led me to suggest maybe we go back to being friends instead, but it ended in a huge fight,” I say, trying to act matter-of-fact and pretending like I am confident in the decisions I’ve made.
“Why did you tell him you should break up?” she asks, slowly, as if asking the question too quickly will scare me away. Maybe it will.
I take a deep sigh, growing irritated. Although my irritation has nothing to do with Dani or her questions. I’m realizing I’m irritated with myself for getting into this whole situation. Things were going great between Andrew and me, but I screwed it all up.
“Dani, I just couldn’t do it. He is changing his major and didn’t even tell me. I don’t know how we could handle long-distance if we can’t even communicate when we are together. Then I can’t help but think about how he completely ghosted me last year after Rebecca’s accident or how he wouldn’t even admit to me yesterday that he was afraid of distance until I was practically in tears. I really, really care for him, but I don’t know if we could make distance work. I can’t take the heartache if we break up down the road, and I don’t want to hurt him either.”
“So your solution was going back to being friends and breaking both your hearts instead of allowing yourself the possibility of being happy?”
“No, that’s not what I’m doing,” I insist as my walls clamor back up.
“Emma, you can’t just break things off when they’re going great because you’re afraid someone is going to get hurt. If everyone did that, no one would end up with a happy ending. You have to take a chance on love to have love. I can already see this is tearing you apart, and I’m sure it is doing the same to Andrew.”
“That’s my whole point,” I argue. “I need to break things off now because it already hurts so much. It will only hurt worse down the road when we inevitably break up because I can’t trust him. Plus, distance doesn’t work.”
“Why can’t you trust him? Because of something he did while he was enduring the worst pain of his life? Don’t act like you were perfect either, Emma. You completely shut out your entire family, the people that are supposed to be closest to you. You didn’t try all that hard at making friends in school, either. You just threw yourself into work and pretended like the rest of the world stopped existing. You can’t judge him for what he did then when you did the exact same thing,” she challenges.
“But he still isn’t being completely transparent with me. It’s happened this summer, too.”
“Can you honestly say you’re perfect? Don’t act like you have overcome everything that’s held you back in the past. You’ve grown, but you’re still scared of things. You’re still not letting me completely in. It sucks. You’ve come so far. Don’t let old habits creep back in just because summer is ending, and we have to go back to our old lives. You can let your life this summer be your new life wherever you go.”
I’m speechless. I had no idea Dani felt this way. Honestly, I didn’t think she noticed. It’s not like Dani and I were ever that close until this summer.
“Dani, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…”
“It’s okay. I know we weren’t that close before, but I’ve always wanted to be there for you. I can’t even imagine the pain you went through when you lost Rebecca, and it was so hard to watch you shut the world out. You became this shell of a person for months, but this summer you were vibrant again. You were letting people in, and you were healing. Don’t throw all that away again and shut everyone out. You deserve happiness.”
I chew on my lip, trying to keep myself from tearing up again, but these tears aren’t sad tears. They’re happy tears because I now know I have a sister who is willing to fight for my happiness.
“Don’t deny yourself the possibility of staying together and being happy. You’re not even giving the relationship a chance. I can only imagine that hurts more than if you try and fail. You both will have to live with the what ifs and the knowledge that you didn’t even want to try,” she continues, as if she hadn’t already gotten through to me.
I choke on a sob. When did I start crying again? “I do want to try, Dani! It’s just terrifying. I can’t take more loss.”
“Aren’t you losing Andrew this way anyway?” she challenges.
“I—” I pause, her words hitting me hard. “I’ll explain everything to him in a year from now. He’ll understand. I can at least get my friend back. I’m sure of it.”
“Even if that’s true, do you want to go another year of your life without Andrew in it?”
I want to scream No! Of course not! He’s one of the best things to ever happen to me. Instead, I shrug. “It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s already done, Dani. You may be right, and I may have made a huge mistake, but I’ve already said all those things to him. I’ve lost his trust now.”
She shakes her head, a smile spreading across her face, instantly drawing my attention. Why is she smiling? This isn’t a happy moment or a funny moment. This is one of the low points of my life!
“Emma, you idiot! You’ve been friends with Andrew since you were nine years old. You’ve both loved each other for years, much longer than just this summer. You’re smart enough to know Andrew wouldn’t just throw all of that away because of a fight. You just need to be honest with him.”
I’m already shaking my head. “You weren’t there during our fight, Dani. He was really upset with me. I said some really hurtful things and royally screwed up this time.”
“Okay, so you make up for it. You tell him you messed up, and you prove to him how much you love him.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. Quit making everything so complicated. I know you tend to overthink things. It’s okay, but don’t let your mind play tricks on you and ruin your chance at happiness.”
I swallow and wipe at the tears streaming down my cheeks. “I need to go for a run,” I practically whisper as I turn away from Dani and head out the front door to let every part of these nightmarish last twenty-four hours sink in.