36. Summer 19
I’m going to pay for this run tomorrow. I’ve somehow managed to run nine miles so far while averaging a pace of six minutes and forty-five seconds per mile. I don’t know the last time I ran this far, especially this fast, but my mind is racing, and each mile passes swifter than the late summer breeze.
At this point, I’ve already decided I’m going to run ten miles. Once I made it to eight and a half, there was no point in trying to convince myself I’d go any shorter. Ten is just a perfectly round number. It makes sense. In a world where I don’t currently know what’s right versus what’s wrong, I’m thankful for even numbers like ten.
I’ve spent the last hour wrestling with my heart and mind. My heart is screaming at me through tears, telling me I’m an idiot, and I need to get Andrew back as soon as possible. Screw the odds, I have to try to be with him. He’s worth it. Meanwhile, my mind is still telling me we’d be in over our heads trying to stay together.
However, my mind is starting to side with my heart as I carefully analyze my discussion with Dani. She made good points. I love Andrew, and I know he loves me too. Our relationship is worth fighting for, and I will always have to live with the what-ifs if I don’t try. I’m no saint, and I was being such a hypocrite for expecting him to be perfect, especially after all that we’ve been through in the past year. But is that my heart or my mind talking? I just don’t know.
My watch beeps at me, notifying me I hit ten miles. My last mile was 6:30 pace. It’s insane how fast I can run when my mind is occupied.
I pull my phone out of my pocket. This is the longest I’ve gone without talking to Andrew since we made up earlier this summer. I know we both said some very hurtful things, but I still can’t believe he hasn’t texted me. I thought he believed we were worth fighting for, but here I am, alone. I guess he decided it’s not worth the fight if I don’t want to be fought for. Here’s the thing, I know now that I do want that. I’ll have to be the one to fight for us now.
Me
Hey
It’s pretty obvious you don’t want to hear from me right now but I think we should talk when you’re ready
I was absolutely right when I said I’d pay for my run. Stepping out of bed the next morning, I moan, realizing how stiff my entire lower body already feels. My shins burn, and my glutes cease up as I walk down the hall to the bathroom Dani and I share.
Despite my aching body, my mind is feeling a little better this morning. The run thankfully helped me fall asleep the second my head hit the pillow. I know what I want to do now, what I need to do. I have to get Andrew back. I have to prove to him that I love and accept him just as he does for me.
I quickly glance at my phone to check for texts from Andrew. Still nothing.
I’ll do whatever it takes to get him back. I’ll buy him all the books in the world, even if I’m broke for the rest of my life. I’ll grovel on my hands and knees. I’ll tell him I’m the stupidest person alive. It’s not like I’d be wrong because at one point I sincerely believed the best thing I could possibly do was break up with Andrew.
I hop in for a quick shower. I need to start the day fresh, and there’s no way I’m working out today. Maybe a walk later would be good for my legs, but I know better than to push my muscles too far by going for a run or a swim.
As I rake the comb through my hair, I hear Dani saunter down the hallway. Part of me wants to tell her thank you for talking with me yesterday and being my voice of reason, but the stubborn part of me doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she was right. She is my older sister after all. I can’t give her too much power.
Stopping by and leaning on the doorframe, she asks, “Are you feeling better today?”
I nod silently.
“What are you going to do?”
I set the brush down and begin to put on a coat of mascara. I can’t look at her when I tell her this. “You were right. I’m going to talk to Andrew and prove to him that I love him.”
She squeals with glee and wraps her arms around me. The force of her hug bumps my arm, causing me to smear mascara all over my right lid.
“Look what you did!” I scold.
She continues beaming at me. “You’re making the right choice! How are you planning to do that exactly?”
Carefully cleaning off the unwanted mascara with a Q-tip, I answer, “I haven’t exactly gotten that far.”
“I’ll help you come up with a plan.”
“It’s okay. You’ve done plenty already. I think I need to do this on my own. I’m just going to go over and talk to him. He’s not returning my texts.”
She raises her eyebrows. “No no no! You screwed up much more than just an apology. Remember when you bought him a book at the beginning of the summer? You pulled off a bigger gesture to make up with him then, and that was a much smaller fight.”
I wince. I know I messed up big time, but hearing Dani say it makes me feel even worse. “What should I do then? I don’t feel like anything can make up for our fight. I doubted us. I don’t know how to show him that it was a mistake.”
“You’ll have plenty of time to figure it out because you need to give him some space first.”
“Why? Shouldn’t I be pounding on his door right now and letting him know how quickly I realized that I was being stupid?” I question.
“You flipped the switch on Andrew pretty suddenly when you shut him out. I think Andrew will appreciate knowing you put some thought into taking him back. For the sake of your relationship in the long run, he needs to know that you didn’t just change your mind back again as a rash decision. Give yourself another day or two to sit on this and make sure it’s what you want. Then prove to him that you’re in it for the long haul, not to change your mind again in another day or two.”
“Ouch,” I mutter.
“I’m sorry, but you deserved that one.”
“Whose side are you on?” I challenge, feeling betrayed.
“Yours,” she states coolly, “but it’s not my fault you were being a dumbass. I’m just here to make sure you fix it.”
I can’t help the laugh that escapes me. Her frank tone once again reminds me of Rebecca. “Thank you, Dani. I’m really glad I’ve had you here for me this summer. I hope you know I’ll always be here for you too.”
She pulls me in for a warm embrace, and when she pulls away, her face turns serious. “That’s enough sap for a couple days! Let’s get to planning your grand gesture for Andrew.”
Grabbing two grocery sacks from the back of the car, Dani asks, “Do you think he’s just going to agree to meet up with you and hear you out?”
We’ve been talking about my grand gesture for Andrew for easily two and a half hours, including our entire trip into town for groceries.
“Uh, I guess I hadn’t really thought about that. I’d like to think Andrew is reasonable enough to hear me out. I know I hurt him, but he has to know me well enough to know that wasn’t my intention. He said we needed some space, but I still think he wanted to work things out.”
Dani nods along. “So, what, are you just going to text him and arrange to meet? He hasn’t exactly returned your texts. Maybe you should just show up at his doorstep and grovel for him to give you the time of day!” Excitement fills her face. “Oh, or will you need my help to trick him to come out? Maybe I can have a flat tire he needs to help me with and then you jump out and surprise him!” Dani’s enthusiasm is growing by the second.
“No, I’m not going to do that. First of all, why would he be the one to help you with a flat tire instead of literally anyone else in our family? You don’t talk to Andrew all that much as it is. Second of all, I don’t want to trick him. I want him to talk to me because it’s something he genuinely wants to do.”
“Fine,” Dani says, deflating.
I burst into laughter. “I didn’t say you couldn’t help! I just said I don’t want to trick him.”
“I’m not hearing the difference,” she deadpans but not without cracking a brief smile afterward.
It’s then, while we are both smiling and laughing together, that I look up to see a set of broad, muscular shoulders and a head topped with scruffy brown hair sitting on the porch of the Martin residence. My heart flits, and I begin to raise my hand to wave a peace offering. I smile at Andrew as he stares at the two of us from his spot on the porch with a book in his hand. Even from this distance, I can see the horrified deer-in-the-headlights look he has on his face. My wave appears to break him from his train of thought. He frowns, no, scowls, and shuts his book, rushing back into his house.
“Andrew, wait!” I gasp, suddenly desperate to repair things right this second. To hell with planning things out and giving things time. I need to fix this now. I need him to know how much I care about him, but I’m too late. He slams the front door behind him with force. It’s enough to send a chill down my spine because I have never seen Andrew act so cold, but I only have myself to blame.
Tears threaten the corners of my eyes. I should go after him, right? I have to! I need to fix things.
Dani is at my side in an instant, rubbing my back and telling me it’s okay. “You’re going to fix this. The sting is still fresh, and he just saw you laughing and smiling with me as if what happened between you two didn’t hurt you. It’s all just a misunderstanding,” she soothes.
I know she’s right, and her words provide me with some relief, but they’re not enough to stop the tears that are flowing. I’m just so exhausted from this whole situation. There have been so many highs and lows. The high of being with Andrew, the low of breaking up, the high of knowing I’m going to fix things, and now the low of knowing how much my actions hurt him.
I have to talk with Andrew, and I need to do it the right way. This whole experience only further reinforces what Dani said. I need to show him how much I care, and I owe it to him to make sure this is what I want because I can’t go back on him again.