Chapter 33
Bette was determined to have a good day even if it killed her and everyone else at The Church.
It was Friday, which meant they would be doing something fun for group. Together, she and Luke had concocted the perfect plan for it. Everyone deserved a break in what Bette had nicknamed Hell Week. Kerrie's sour mood had spread like a virus, infecting everyone. She knew Kerrie had a bit of a temper, but this felt different. Almost crisis-like. It was as if Kerrie didn't know what to do, so she went with anger because anger is a comfort emotion for her. Or at least that was Bette's assessment so far.
Whatever it was, it wasn't going to dampen her day.
She gathered her purse, keys, and papers from the morning meeting before slipping out of her SUV.
She let out a slow breath as she stared intently at the double doors of The Church. "You can do this, Bette. You will not let her ruin your day. If she wants to sulk, she can do it alone."
She walked in with her head high and determination in her heart. Passing her office, she headed straight for Kerrie's office and knocked. Her door had been closed all week. Another way her foul mood impacted everyone. She had cut herself off from clients with a cheap particle door. Normally, she'd keep it open for a while each day so clients felt free to approach if they needed something. She was not doing that this week, so Bette had kept hers open. It made her feel like she was helping Kerrie somehow.
"Come in. "
Bette pushed the door open to find Kerrie once again hunched over her desk, staring angrily at the old monitor like the electronic had just called her a bitch. Bette ignored the impulse to ask her how she was doing or what was wrong. I don't care. I will not let her win today.
"Here's your caseload. No new clients, and no one needs to go to medical," Bette said in an even and professional voice. She placed the paper on the edge of the desk and turned around without another word. As she reached the door, she stopped at Kerrie's voice.
"What are you wearing?"
A small smile of victory tugged at her lips as she heard the suspicion and surprised edge to the counselor's voice. Putting on a face of indifference, she turned and looked down at herself. "What do you mean? It's Friday. I can dress casual on Fridays."
Kerrie narrowed her eyes, looking her over again. "You've never worn that here before."
Bette shrugged, glancing down at her leggings, long t-shirt, and tennis shoes. "I'm running group, and we need to be dressed comfortably today."
"You're running group?"
"I am." Bette refused to bristle at the condescending tone that dripped from Kerrie's words.
"Why are you running group?" asked Kerrie as she stood up and walked over to Bette.
For a brief moment, Bette wanted to throw herself against the taller woman. The closer she got, the closer she was to losing the loose grip she had on her self-restraint. I will not touch her. I will not touch her, no matter how nice she smells.
Bette looked up, meeting Kerrie's questioning gaze. "I asked Wilson if I could take his group today since it's fun Friday, and we need a fun day. No thanks to you."
Furrowing her brow, Kerrie scrunched up her face. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"That means—" she stopped abruptly as a few clients walked by, heading for the basement. She resumed once they were out of earshot. "That means I, and everyone else, need a break from your pissy mood."
Bette took a small amount of pleasure from the wide-eyed look Kerrie was currently sporting. "Excuse me?"
Confidence bolstered, Bette stepped closer to Kerrie, leaving just a few inches between them. She stared up with a steely gaze, refusing to back down. "You heard me. You've been nothing but an angry bear this week. You've blanketed the whole Church with your bad mood, and I'm sick of it. We're all sick of it."
"I'm not the one that caused my bad mood," retorted Kerrie, eyes blazing .
"No, but you're the one choosing to wallow around in it. And I've apologized. Or at least I've tried to. I would try apologizing more appropriately, but you are the big baby that won't even speak to me like an adult. Did I cross a line? Yes, yes, I did, but I'm human in case you haven't noticed. You're really quick to give second, third, and fourth chances to everyone else in this damn building, but I apparently only get one, and since I only get the one, you need to let it go. I'm not your punching bag, and neither are the clients. Now, I'm going to go run group. We're going to have fun. I have no idea how to play kickball, and half of us are over 40, so I'm sure more than one or two will need Tylenol later, but we're going to have fun, damnit, and you're more than welcome to come join us as long as you check your piss-poor attitude at the door."
***
Kerrie's mouth dropped to her chest as she watched an angry Bette turn on her heels and storm out of her office. What the hell was that?
Confusion clouded her brain as she went back to her desk. She had never seen Bette so angry. There was hurt laced over her blunt words. It didn't take a genius to figure that out. Bette was hurt, and Kerrie was the source of it. She hurt her just like Shelly had. She had broken Bette's beautiful heart over one misunderstanding, albeit a big one as far as Kerrie was concerned. Comparing herself to Shelly just made her angry again.
"This is some shit," she groaned aloud to herself.
She tried to focus on her computer as the guys went down the hall to the back door. Excitement buzzed through the group. It would have been infectious had she not had a wall erected around herself.
One of them, Dewayne, popped his head in, a large smile on his young face. "You gonna play with us, Ms. K?"
She shook her head, a bit of jealousy tugging at her belly. "No, I have some things I need to finish."
It didn't take long for everyone to vacate the building, leaving behind an impossibly heavy silence. The tapping of her keyboard sounded like a hammer to a nail. The screen before her blurred as her concentration waned .
Cheers invaded her office from outside. She wanted to resist the urge to look, but the pull was great. "One peek won't hurt."
Standing, she looked out the high window behind her desk. Outside, two clients were carrying a large cooler with a box on top, no doubt snacks and drinks from Elaine. She muttered to herself, "Bette must have buttered her up for those."
"You know you can go join them, right? I'll do your notes."
Kerrie turned, surprised to find Wilson sitting in the chair in front of her desk. When did he come in? "I have things to do."
"Like hiding in your office with your hurt feelings that are just coming out as anger?"
Kerrie threw her head back, looking at the ceiling, letting out a breath. "What is it with people calling me out today?"
She plopped down in her desk chair and tried to ignore the infectious laughter from outside. She wanted to look out the window again.
"You know you want to go out there."
I do. "I don't."
"You do."
Frustrated, she bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from making a snarky response. Her bite didn't bother Wilson at all. "What do you want, Wilson?"
"It's not what I want. It's what you want. How many more weeks of this are we going to endure before you realize you've run from normalcy?"
"Normalcy?"
"I've watched you dig deeper and deeper into codependency. Kenny's heart attack scared you. You have no control over what happens inside his body, so you control everything around you. You had to take a week off, and that terrified you. Giving your heart over to Bette terrified you." He held his hand up to stop her from speaking. "I'm old, Kerrie, not an idiot. I know about the two of you. You feel replaceable. Out of control. Big, bad, unshakable Kerrie is terrified, and you're masking it with anger and avoidance."
Silence fell over them as Kerrie swallowed down a large lump of pride. She was struggling between frustration and disbelief. Everyone around her seemed to be saying the same thing, but Kerrie was still refusing to accept that perhaps she was at least part of the problem.
Sighing, Wilson hefted himself out of the chair, looking down at her. "Just go out there. Let go a little. What's the worst that could happen? "
He shut the door behind himself, leaving her alone with faint hoots and hollers wafting in from outside.
His words hung in the air. What's the worst that could happen?
She stood, looking out the window once more. They had divided into teams. The yard beside Sparrow was the flattest, as the other side of the creek closest to The Church was mostly uphill. They were using file folders for bases, and Kerrie wondered where the kickball had come from. It was still bright and unblemished. Had Bette bought that herself, or did she sweet-talk Meg from the front office into purchasing it for her?
Kerrie smirked at the mental image of a determined Bette arranging this kickball match. The woman wouldn't have taken no for an answer. She was clearly growing to love the clients. It was something most couldn't help after a while. A love that ebbed and flowed for complete strangers that you only knew for a month. It was hard to explain how one could feel such an emotion during a short period. Men came to them in such a raw form, and they helped uplift and put them back together. The hardest part was when they left. The uncertainty could be overwhelming. Kerrie couldn't count the number of clients that had overdosed once leaving. Not always right out of rehab but over the weeks, months, and years. You had to focus on the here and now. You could keep them safe within the walls of The Church and Sparrow. Bette was quickly succumbing to that part of the job.
She zeroed in on Bette, standing in the outfield. She looked enthusiastic but also a little clueless. Her chest tightened as sadness overcame her. She missed Bette. Not just a little. Not just like she would miss Mabel if she were to go away. It was deeper. It tugged at her soul and shook her heart. She was never very far from Kerrie's thoughts. Like wearing cologne when it is windy. The scent playing hide and seek with your nose as Mother Nature blew it back and forth. Turn your head; it hits you. Turn in another direction; it's drifting by.
Kerrie sat back down.
"She made a fool of me," she muttered to herself, staring at the computer screen without seeing it.
She stood again, glancing out. Luke was up to kick. He pulled his leg back before slamming his foot into the red ball, sending it right to Bette. The blonde shrieked, covering her head, and Kerrie belted out a laugh as two guys ran to catch it, colliding just behind her. Kerrie shook her head, but the smile on her face was already fading. The sadness quickly returned .
Turning her back once more. Her eyes drifted around the room. Why was she in her office when she could be outside?
"Because I'm a big terrified baby, like Wilson said."
She began pacing from the window to the door, hands on her head, as she ticked off the pros and cons. "Pro: I get to enjoy group and be an active member of this building. Con: I have to swallow my pride. Pro, pro..."
She stopped in front of the window once more, seeing the teams had switched positions. A young client named Jamie was showing Bette how to kick while they waited for their turn. She watched intently, mimicking his moves, and then laughed at herself. It was the most adorable thing Kerrie had ever seen. Bette, who once lived in a small mansion, bought handbags that cost a small fortune and drank expensive champagne, was getting out of her comfort zone playing a sport she knew nothing about with men who most wouldn't leave their car keys alone with. And Kerrie was sulking in her office.
"Pro: I take the first step to getting my girlfriend back. Fuck the pride; I'm going to play kickball with my girl and clients."
She quickly changed into a pair of tennis shoes, which she kept in her closet for fun activities. She shut her door and yelled down the hall, "Wilson! I'm going to play kickball."
A muffled laugh sounded, followed by, "Good choice, Kerrie. I'll hold it down here."
She took the back steps two at a time and jogged down the hill. She slowed as Bette met her in the middle of the little covered bridge. Her heart was racing; whether it was from moving quickly or from coming face to face with Bette, she didn't know.
Bette stared up at her, uncertainty in her eyes. "Are you back?"
Kerrie licked her lips and nodded. "If you'll have me."
Face softening, Bette smiled warmly. "Of course. You're all I want."
Someone called out, breaking the moment. "You going to join us, Ms. K?"
She gazed into Bette's eyes for a moment longer before breaking out into a grin and holding out both arms wide. "If you're not afraid that I'm going to kick your butts!"