Chapter 32
Bette had spent the last week trying her best to stay focused on work. It was more chaotic without Kerrie, but the chaos helped keep Bette's mind busy. Wilson was unhappy about picking up the slack, but after a couple of days, he seemed to have settled down. It was as if he had to remember that he was a part of the team and needed to pull at least some of his own weight.
Luke was kind enough to help with clients and even helped Bette do group once. Wilson had given them a lesson to do with the clients, and she thoroughly enjoyed herself. There were some things that Bette was just not trained for, though. She couldn't do intakes, so Wilson handled all of Kerrie's. She made sure that she was engaging with the clients and writing down anything that she thought Kerrie might need to know when she got back. No doubt there would still be things that she would have to catch up on, but she wouldn't be coming into an avalanche of work. At least Bette hoped not.
She hadn't seen Kerrie since she had left her office the previous Monday. She tried to avoid looking out her back window because the thought of seeing Kerrie made her stomach churn. Kerrie hadn't reached out, and Bette didn't either. She was taking Missy's advice and allowing her space, and each minute broke Bette's heart a little more. She was missing Kenny, something awful too. She had grown accustomed to seeing him. Zoe had tried to take her mind off things over the weekend by taking her shopping. It had sort of worked, but at the end of the day, she was still going back home alone to her apartment underneath her ex-girlfriend's house. She had even been desperate enough to take an invitation from her mother on Sunday for lunch after church. Anything to keep her mind off the tall woman she had lost .
She pulled up to The Church and put her car in park. Letting out a breath slowly, she braced herself for the day. She was not going to have high expectations of her first interaction with Kerrie even if she had momentarily daydreamed about a Hallmark moment where she would smile apologetically at Kerrie, whose arms would open wide to catch her, and then they would swing around declaring their love for one another. Bette snorted at the thought. The rage in Kerrie's eyes the last time they spoke was anything but a Hallmark moment.
She got out of her car to begin her day.
She didn't know if Kerrie was going to come to the morning meeting. Every time the door to the portable opened, Bette was disappointed when it wasn't her. It looked like she was going to be the lone Church worker, so she dutifully took down notes of any information that the two counselors would need to know about their caseloads.
As she was leaving, Tyler pulled her aside. "Kerrie is going to be back today. She came by this morning and gave me her medical release. That's why I was a little late getting to the meeting. Sometimes, Kerrie can be a little rough around the edges, and if she becomes too much today, feel free to call, and I can just drop by and pretend I was checking on her. I'll probably do that anyway, but I don't mind being a buffer if I need to be. Her feelings got hurt last week, so she's probably not going to be in the best of moods."
Bette nodded. "Thanks. I appreciate that. I'm pretty sure I can handle it, but I'll keep it in mind. We just have to get back into a routine."
By the time she arrived at The Church, men were buzzing around, waiting for the group to start. The majority of them smoked, so they were standing in the back of The Church, smoking and laughing. She no longer felt apprehensive about going up to a large group of clients. They all said good morning to her. Some happier than others. Not everyone was a morning person, especially at rehab.
As she walked into the building, she noticed that Kerrie's door was shut and decided to bypass it straight to Wilson's door, which was open. She handed over his roster and told him about anything important from the meeting. He nodded his thanks and silently dismissed her.
Going back into her office, she grabbed the notes that she had made for Kerrie last week and double-checked her appearance in her compact in her purse. She knew it was foolish, but she made sure to look extra nice today when she got ready that morning. She felt she needed to look her absolute best when she saw Kerrie for the first time since their breakup. In the back of her mind she secretly hoped it would make Kerrie miss her. Just because she was pissed at Bette, it hopefully didn't mean she had lost her attraction to her.
She held her breath as she knocked on Kerrie's door. She was met with silence. Frustration edging at her already frayed nerves, she knocked again, and finally, Kerrie's voice called out to come in.
Her breath hitched in her chest as she turned the knob, opening the door. Kerrie looked much better. Most of her color had returned, and she no longer had the hollows under her eyes. Her beautiful brown eyes appeared alert, far more focused than they were last week.
Their gazes locked, and Bette's heart stopped. She wanted nothing more than to rush over to Kerrie and throw herself into her arms. For a split second, she held out hope that Kerrie would give her a signal to come to her, but then she knew that wasn't going to happen when Kerrie tore her eyes away and looked back at her computer coldly. "What can I help you with?"
"Huh?" Was this really how it was going to go? Nothing but formality.
"What can I help you with? You came to my office for a reason."
Kerrie's impersonal reaction rubbed Bette the wrong way. Like a little rock in her shoe. Just enough to agitate her. She frowned as heat crept over her chest. How dare she act like there was no history between them? Like they hadn't begun developing feelings for each other, or not two weeks ago, Kerrie's face hadn't been planted between Bette's thighs. Like they hadn't snuggled and shared things they hadn't told another soul? Her heart began to race, and her lips tingled from pressing them into a firm line. "Really, that's it? That's all you're going to say?"
Kerrie sighed at Bette as if Bette were the problem. "We're both professionals. There's no reason why we can't treat each other like coworkers. I thought we had agreed on that last week."
"I didn't agree on anything. You made the decisions for us," Bette seethed through clenched teeth. She was pissed. She stomped over to her desk, holding out the papers. "Here's your roster. The information is on it. Also, here are the notes I jotted down last week on things you might need to know that happened."
If Bette's gruffness surprised her, Kerrie didn't show it. She took the papers. "Thank you. That was nice of you to do."
Bette didn't immediately move. She stared down at Kerrie in disbelief. This was not the woman she knew. Not the woman she loved .
Kerrie glanced up quickly, then back down, and said, "If there's nothing else, I have work to do."
Bette scoffed, swallowing back the urge to cry. She would not break down in front of her. "Of course you do, because work is certainly all you care about."
Bette turned on her heel and headed out the door, roughly shutting it behind her. That had not gone how she anticipated. She didn't believe the day was going to get any better.
***
It had been a week from hell. Every day, Kerrie walked into work with dread and then, after work, drove home with the same dread. Bette was everywhere. Even when she wasn't in sight, Kerrie knew she was nearby. Her heartache only increased over the long, never-ending days. It was as if time were on its hands and knees, crawling as slowly as possible.
The moody cloud hanging over her head seemed to duplicate over Kenny's. It wasn't unusual for them to feed off each other's emotions, and try as she might, she couldn't prevent him from feeling her internal struggle. She was so conflicted. She wanted Bette, craved Bette. But she also felt betrayed by Bette's actions. It was hard to swallow down the pain. Kerrie had put trust in Bette, and she broke that trust.
Logically, she knew Bette was only human. She probably deserved another chance. They had something beautiful before they broke up. Bette touched parts of Kerrie's heart that hadn't been touched in years, with some spots never touched. There was something about her that made Kerrie want to let her guard down, and that frightened her. What if she let Bette back in again, and she repeated the betrayal? She wasn't sure she could survive that again.
That fear made her dive back into her comfort zone headfirst this week. She worked late and took on two extra meetings. She had caught up on the work from last week, though it hadn't been near what she had anticipated. Bette had worked hard to complete as much as possible, so she hadn't come into an avalanche of chaos, which made her feel odd. She didn't know if she was grateful or resentful for the act.
By the time Friday rolled around, she was exhausted, mentally and physically. The nonstop go, go, go was the perfect distraction from Bette for most of the day, but at night, when everything settled down and she was engulfed in the quiet and stillness of darkness, there was no escaping. The first night, she was more in shock than anything. The second night had been torture. The old feeling of needing something to use to avoid reality nudged at her, and it terrified her. She hadn't felt the need to escape like that in a long time. She found herself quietly sliding into Kenny's bed. The rhythmic snores reminded her that she wasn't alone, that she still mattered to someone, and that someone needed her.
They bunked together the rest of the week. Kenny didn't mind. He was also struggling with the new loss, which added to Kerrie's guilt and pain, but she couldn't stop him from feeling the normal emotions of someone no longer being there. Mabel hadn't brought Bette up again, but the looks she gave Kerrie might as well have been a flashing billboard screaming she needed to get over it and reconcile with the blonde in the basement.
As the week progressed, the sadness and loneliness had morphed into anger. Everything irritated her. Her temper flared at the smallest thing. People were avoiding her, except Wilson. Nothing seemed to faze him. And Mabel, who had no issues calling her out on her bullshit. That had caused Kerrie to avoid spending any time with Mabel. It was a never-ending chain of uncomfortable encounters and resentful feelings.
Friday morning arrived, and Kerrie had never been so thankful for and scared of the impending weekend in her life. How long could she keep this up? It was exhausting. Surely soon, the heaviness would lift?
She stared up at the white building from the confines of her truck. She didn't want to walk in. She didn't want to spend the next eight or nine hours pretending it didn't rip her soul in half by being down the hall from Bette. She didn't want to find herself being rude to a client or taking her anger-laced heartache out on Luke. And she didn't want to see Bette and not be able to touch her, to talk to her as a lover, and not just short snips aimed to hurt with their bluntness.
She glanced at her watch. If she didn't go inside now, then she ran the risk of an awkward walk-in with Bette. She didn't want that, so she grabbed her things and, with a heavy sigh, went to start her day.