4. Ellie
4
ELLIE
I pray for the nausea to go away as I lay my head back on the couch. If anyone had told me this is how my life would end up, I would have laughed at them. I’ve always been able to pull myself out of a rut. Bad things happen, I know that. But I’ve never dwelled on it or let it take over my life. No, I’m the type of person that has my shit together. It just seems lately that’s becoming impossible.
Everything was going great. I was dating a sexy, sweet man in the military. He wasn’t around a lot, but I was attending college and working too, so it was fine. I was still living at home, but I was saving up to move out once I graduated and got a job as a teacher next year. Everything seemed like it was coming together. And then all hell broke loose.
The knock on the door has me sitting up. I don’t live in the best neighborhood, and I go on high alert any time someone comes to my door. I sit up, waiting for the dizziness to pass and gulp air, praying that I don’t throw up again. When my head clears, the knock comes again.
I stand up and make my way over to the door, grabbing the baseball bat leaning next to it. I look through the peephole and freeze. Please God tell me no .
I blink rapidly and then open my eyes again, and sure enough, it’s him. Grayson Hayes, member of the Guardians MC, best friend to my deceased baby daddy... and my husband.
I debate on not answering it, but Gray hollers through the door, “Open up, Ellie. I know you’re in there.”
I let out a deep breath. I should have known he’d heard me in here; these walls are paper thin. I unlatch the three deadbolts and open the door just enough for me to slide out to the front porch. Well, stoop. I don’t think the little three by three square feet could be called a porch. “Gray, hey, what are you doing here? I didn’t know you were coming to town.”
He grimaces and points at the apartment building behind me. “What the fuck, Ellie? What are you doing here?”
I shrug. “It’s a long story.”
He takes a step toward me, and now we’re almost chest to chest on the little platform. I have to lean my head all the way back to look up into his face. His face is filled with worry, and it’s not the first time that I wished I’d met Gray before I met Dawson. Gray is nothing like his best friend. I don’t like to speak ill of the dead, but it’s obvious to everyone that Dawson was a player and man, did he play me. I’m probably not the best judge of character, but Gray doesn’t seem anything like that. “It’s fine. I have nowhere to be and all the time in the world. You going to let me in?”
I point my thumb behind me and try to stall. “In here?”
I wait for him to laugh or at least smirk, but he doesn’t. It looks like he’s all out of patience, and I know he’s not going to just leave here without me telling him something. He looks around, and I don’t even follow his gaze because I know what he’s seeing. I’m sure the men that live across the street are doing a drug deal. If we stay out here a few more minutes, he’ll probably see a prostitute flagging down a car. Yeah, I guess it would be better to talk inside. I put one hand on the door behind me. “It’s... I mean...” I blow out a breath. “Just don’t judge me, Gray. I’m doing the best I can.”
He wraps his hand around my chin and lifts it so I’m looking into his eyes. “I would never judge you, Ellie.”
He’s searching my face, and the tone of his voice tells me what he’s saying is sincere. I nod and walk into the apartment. I don’t have to look around to try and see it through his eyes. I know exactly what he’s seeing, and it’s bare walls and old, broken-down furniture. I’m hoping he misses what I suspect are bullet holes in the wall that were left from the previous tenants.
He grabs on to my hand and pulls me to the couch. “Sit down and tell me what the hell’s going on, Ellie.”
I sit on the edge of the couch and rub my hands down my thighs to rest on my knees. “Well, where do I start? Uh, my parents kicked me out. They didn’t want to support me and a child, even if it was their grandchild. I uh, had to drop out of school.”
He flinches. “You dropped out of school?”
I shake my head. I know it’s crazy considering I had less than a year left. “Uh, yeah, see, I’ve been really sick, and I have to work. I couldn’t do both.”
Gray slides his hand onto mine and squeezes it. “What’s wrong? Have you been to the doctor?”
I nod. “Yes, and he says this is normal. Some women have extreme nausea and are sick when they’re pregnant. It sometimes lets up after a few months... or it could last the whole time.”
“Did he give you anything for it? Tell you anything that would help?”
I lean back on the couch and rest my head. “Yeah, he gave me some medicine, but I hate taking anything. I don’t want to harm the baby. He told me I need to rest. No sudden movements; that seems to really bother me. Oh and no stress.” I laugh out loud after that. I mean, come on, I’m stressed.
He scoots closer to me. “Why didn’t you call me?”
I pull my hand from his. His comfort would be too easy to lean into right now, and I know I shouldn’t. He’s leaving, probably soon, and I don’t need to get attached to him any more than I already have. “Because I’m not your responsibility, Gray.”
He starts to speak, and I know exactly what he’s going to say. I hold my hand up. “I know... I know we got married, and let me tell you, I’m glad that I had the healthcare because it’s really come in handy, but that was crazy, Gray. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and we shouldn’t have...” I let my voice drop off because I can’t bring myself to say the words.
“What? You regret marrying me?”
I close my eyes and exhale, long and slow. “I’m just saying it was right after Dawson passed, and we weren’t thinking clearly. Now you feel like you’re saddled with my mess, and I shouldn’t have done that to you.”
He’s staring at me. I can feel his gaze burning into me, but I don’t dare lift my eyes to look at him. I’ve thought a lot about Gray in these last two months. Just the fact he did what he did for me tells me the kind of man he is but also, I know he only did it to be nice. I have to keep reminding myself of that or else I’m going to feel things for him that I know I shouldn’t.
“Ellie.”
He says my name, but I still don’t lift my head. I’m trying to get my thoughts in check before I do.
He puts his hand under my chin and lifts so I have no choice but to look at him, and of course, my traitorous hormones are in full effect. A tear falls from my eye and rolls down my cheek.
He shakes his head. “Aw, honey, please don’t cry. I can’t handle it when you cry.”
I sniff loudly and wipe at my face. “Sorry.”
He smiles at me softly. “You don’t have to apologize, but I do wish you had called me.”
I lift my shoulders in a shrug.
He wraps his arms around me and pulls me against him. I lean into him, resting my head on his shoulder. I shouldn’t be doing this, but the feeling of being held is not something I’m used to, and being in Gray’s arms is way too addictive.
His voice is soft as he rests his chin on the top of my head. “How long will it take you to pack?”
I feel so safe in his arms, I barely register his words. “Pack for what?”
His arms tighten around me. “You’re going back to Whiskey Run with me.”
I try to pull away, but he doesn’t loosen his hold. “What do you mean, I’m going to Whiskey Run with you?”
He leans back, but his hands go to my shoulders, and he squeezes me there. “I mean, I can’t just leave you here. I want you to come to Whiskey Run with me.”
I do pull away this time and stand up. The movement is too fast, and the dizziness hits me. I grab on to the edge of the couch as everything starts to go black. It’s as if I’m looking through a tunnel, seeking the light when all of a sudden, I feel Gray’s arms around me.
When I get my bearings, I’m sitting on Gray’s lap, his arms secured around me. I lift my head, and Gray warns me, “Don’t even think about getting up.”
There’s something in his voice, and it sounds like fear more than anything else.
“I’m not, but I’m probably too heavy. I can sit...”
He cuts me off. “You can sit right here.”
I nod and lean my head against his chest.
His heart is racing, and there’s something comforting about the steady beat of it against my hand.
He starts to talk in a soothing voice. “This is how it’s going to play out. You’re going to sit here, and I’m going to pack up your stuff. We’re going to fly into Whiskey Run, and I’m going to get you settled there. We’ll get you an appointment with the doctor in town to make sure everything is okay with you and the baby. You’re going to catch up on some rest and...”
“I can’t.” I interrupt him.
He stops and looks at me. “Why? What is it, Ellie? You don’t want to leave this place? I promise you and the baby will be safe.” When I don’t say anything, he continues, “Or what? Do you have someone here... I mean, have you met someone?”
He stutters the words, and I swear it almost sounds like he’s jealous. I roll my eyes and slap my hand on his chest. “I’m married to you, Gray.”
His mouth opens and then closes again. With a firm nod, he says, “Yeah, you are. And as your husband, I’m asking you to come home with me.”
Say no. Say no . I’m telling myself to say no even though I want to do the opposite. It’s on the tip of my tongue to say it, but I don’t know who’s more surprised, me or him, when I say, “Okay. I’ll go home with you.”