19 - Jonah
19
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Jonah
It was almost absurd how I empathized with the little angel who was being beaten up by everyone else. The triangular arrangement and the divine light shining over everything drew me even deeper into the picture, and I wondered why I had been so blind and not noticed the intensity of the painting at the opening.
I glanced over my shoulder to make sure Simon was still there and hadn’t just dropped me off. He sat relaxed on one of the fifty chairs set up and leafed through a program booklet while three musicians prepared for the concert. One by one, the visitors took their seats.
When Simon had mentioned the matinee, he had been so excited that he convinced me to come with him after church on Sunday. I had only found out after the service that the matinee was taking place in the exhibition where Lucien’s paintings were hanging.
And there I was, mesmerized by the pain and suffering of the ugly little angel, completely unable to get the image of Lucien kneeling in front of me and sucking my cock out of my head.
Oh God … get rid of that thought!
I had to get that image out of my head once and for all. I wasn’t myself that day, not in the slightest. Even though I hadn’t made it to confession yet, I pleaded for mercy at every prayer during Mass that morning. It was a shame what Lucien had tempted me to do … and yet it felt so good.
Behind me, the musicians began to play. The spherical sounds of the double bass hummed through the exhibition rooms and my thoughts dipped an octave lower. A violin began to play, followed by the piano, and the music filled the white room with melancholy. My gaze was lost among the gloomy brushstrokes that formed cruel faces. The little angel’s pained expression touched me so much that I sank completely into his dark world.
I was almost terrified when I turned to the side and Lucien was standing next to me. I hadn’t noticed him at first—the distance between us was almost seven feet. No one would have thought that we could know each other. He stood there motionless, appearing tired and exhausted as he stared at his painting.
I scanned the audience, who were listening intently to the three musicians. A young woman turned her head and looked over at us. Her long brown hair was knotted into a bun, with a few strands framing her pretty, soft face. Her brows furrowed in concern, which inevitably gave the impression that she was Lucien’s companion. She also sat at the edge of the row, with an empty chair next to her. When she turned back to the music, I took a step closer to Lucien. I followed his weary gaze and tried to guess what had captured his attention.
“I think I like it,” I said quietly. “I don’t know what it means, but I think I like it. And at the same time, it kind of scares me.”
Lucien opened his mouth, but his breathing was heavy, and he couldn’t say a single word. He drew his brows together and looked down at the floor as if the answer lay there. He clenched his jaw, and as the tension between us grew almost palpable, he abruptly left me standing there, vanishing from the showroom.
Before I could bring myself to follow him, the woman from the audience got up and left the room too. Something tightened in my chest, and I felt like I had done something unspeakably evil. Didn’t he like what I said?
Or had I not expressed myself properly?
Then I noticed Simon gesturing for me to join him. I shook off my thoughts of Lucien, took a deep breath, and sat down in my seat. I sat there with heavy limbs and was glad for the music and the fact that, despite my presence, I didn’t have to contribute anything to the situation. I could just sit there and practice forgetting the whole story with Lu.
I wanted to pull my hair out and scream. As much as I tried to banish him from my mind, I couldn’t. And the worst thing of all was that I couldn’t explain why.
He took my cock …
It was screaming inside me, and I felt like I was about to burst.
Martin’s words, “Don’t worry about it,” echoed in my mind.
Easier said than done!
I found it surreal that Martin and I had similar upbringings. It seemed to me that he had turned his back on faith. It had been him who had encouraged me to go home with Daniela. If alcohol had not been involved, I could have suppressed my desire for love and tenderness—for my own good and the good of everyone else.
More images flashed in my head.
Lucien’s embrace.
Our kiss.
His glowing green eyes.
And now I’m getting hard too!
My heart was racing faster than the trio could ever have played.
I would never be able to laugh about it!
I would never be able to get over what had happened––neither the thing with Daniela nor what I had let Lu do to me.
“Jonah!”
I was so lost in thought that I didn’t even notice that the concert was over. I bounced one leg nervously and stared again at Lu’s picture on the wall to my right.
“Stop it!” I shouted at myself as I stood up and followed Simon to the checkroom.
“Wasn’t that your roommate?” Simon asked as we left the exhibition.
“Yes,” I replied curtly and tugged my scarf over my chin.
“Then that was his painting?”
I just nodded and let out a grumble.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Simon put on his cap. “I really would have liked to have a chat with him. It’s too bad he’s already gone.”
“Why do you want to talk to him?”
“Well, he’s your roommate after all. And the last time I saw him, he was pretty… unresponsive.”
My thoughts went back to that morning when I helped Lu up the stairs after Mass. A cold shiver ran down my spine.
I am going crazy.
“He wasn’t responsive today either,” I said angrily and picked up the pace.
“Uh… hey!” Simon called out and hurried after me. “What’s the rush? Shall we go for a drink?”
Surprised, I stopped and turned to him. “Why?”
Simon laughed out loud. “Well, because that’s what you do.”
Of course.
Besides, the thought of going home wasn’t particularly appealing either. So we went to the nearest café.
Contrary to my expectation that Simon would bother me with unpleasant questions, he simply engaged in conversation about the matinee and mentioned the films currently showing at the cinema. Somehow I envied him. It was a mystery to me how he could seemingly go through life completely unperturbed. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and asked, “How do you balance your faith and science?”
“Oh, there’s nothing easier than that.” But when he saw my serious look, his smile disappeared, and he furrowed his brows thoughtfully. “Okay. Let me explain it like this: For me, they are two completely different things.”
“That sounds a little too easy to me,” I muttered, warming my hands on the teacup.
“Oh well. Three billion years ago, microorganisms didn’t care that God existed. They behaved as nature intended them to. Nature encompasses everything, and from its perspective, nothing is impossible. And so everything that is possible is natural. I find support in faith. Imagine how crazy the world around us would be if there were no order or hierarchies.”
“The world is crazy,” I interjected, feeling discouraged.
“Maybe, but as crazy as it may be, somehow everything has its justification.”
The way he said that made me perk up my ears. “What do you mean?”
Simon leaned back and crossed his arms behind his head. He grinned widely at me. “Let’s take the mouth, for example. Six hundred million years ago, it was a way for the first multicellular organisms to obtain food. But evolution didn’t stop there, because what we do with it today is amazing, isn’t it? We communicate! Isn’t that crazy? But what’s not natural about that?” He looked at me with his arms outstretched.
I would have liked to answer him, but the image of Lucien and what he had done with his mouth appeared before my eyes. And it had felt so good. Just thinking about it made something move in my pants again and I avoided Simon’s gaze in shame.
He leaned forward. “My faith gives me the freedom to find meaning in all of this.”
I could understand that to some extent. But what Lucien saw in blowing me was beyond my imagination. And I couldn’t explain the point of two men having fun with each other like that either. So none of this made any sense at all.
After all, I’m not gay.