Chapter 33
Callum
I don’t know what’s going through Lucy’s head, but I do know that sometime between pounding her perfect pussy in bed this morning and walking to the park, I managed to fuck up.
She’s been on edge ever since we left the hotel a few hours ago. At first, I figured she was just spiraling through the same awkwardness I am.
Making love to her titled my whole world on its axis. I haven’t been the same person since.
That truth doesn’t trouble me in the slightest, but I’m beginning to wonder if Lucy feels differently.
Maybe she’s upset about how this all went down. I mean, she didn’t share details, but I can imagine what that monster Roguilin put her through. The photo gave me more than enough insight. Now here I am, practically shoving my tongue down her throat without even asking.
This morning, I worked hard to show some sensitivity. I checked on her, asked if she wanted me to continue.
Maybe I misjudged the situation and this is just her way of pushing me away again.
The thought floods me with panic. “I apologize. I shouldn’t have lost control last night. Or this morning. It’s my fault.”
“Don’t apologize!”
I lift my palms in defeat. “But I thought, after everything—”
“Stop. Don’t bring it up.” Her fingers fidget with the camera in her lap. “I’m not upset about this morning. I just…we jumped in so fast when we still barely know each other.”
An iron fist crushes my chest. I struggle to suck air into my lungs as I process the truth of her words.
Lucy’s right. We haven’t known each other for long. But I feel like I understand her in all the ways that matter. I recognize who she is, right down to her core. I trust her. But maybe…maybe she doesn’t feel the same about me. And that hurts far more than it should.
What we did this morning…it went beyond physical. We have a connection. A bond that drew us together, even when we wanted nothing more than to keep our distance.
I shake my head. “Lucy, you don’t get it.”
She huffs, a little frown on her face. “Finally. We agree on something.”
“I’m no good at any of this.” My hands tighten to fists. “And the reason why is…”
Years of anguish and emotional paralysis war with my thoughts. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this, not in detail. About the events that shaped me into who I am today.
She cocks her head, waiting for me to continue.
“During my eight years in the Irish Army Ranger Wing, I was part of a hostage extraction team. We were tasked with transporting a family out of a conflict zone. A diplomat, his wife, and their young daughter. Ella. We had to get them home safely, without incident, after extremists targeted them.”
Her eyes flicker with recognition. But when I shared this story a few days ago, I only told her the bare bones. “What does this have to do with you and me?”
I sit beside her, running a hand through my hair.
“Just listen.” With great difficulty, I soften the edge in my voice.
“The diplomat’s wife was a flighty, self-centered woman who refused to take us seriously when we briefed her on the dangers the family faced.
Maybe she underestimated the extremists’ threats, or maybe she overestimated our power to protect them. To this day, I don’t know.”
Years later, remorse and resentment still swirl through me.
Lucy’s hand nudges mine, but she stays quiet as I continue. “Against all advice and common sense, she snuck their daughter out of the compound where we were guarding them to go on a shopping trip in the nearest city. Some big bazaar. That’s where she and her daughter were snatched.”
A soft noise of understanding escapes Lucy’s lips. “What happened?”
“The extremists…” I swallow hard. “They got a note to the diplomat, promising to release his family if he surrendered himself. By the time we realized his intent, it was too late to stop him.”
Guilt presses down on me like gravity. I’m too much of a coward to risk seeing Lucy’s expression, so I drop my head. Though loathing and grief threaten to rip me apart, I force the words to the surface.
“I was assigned to reconnaissance during all this, and I identified what I thought was a clearer, faster extraction route than what was on the official plan. My commanding officer overruled me, insisting that we stick to protocol. And while we squabbled over it…”
My mouth dries, and my foot won’t stop bouncing inside my combat boot, restless and on edge.
“When we reached the family, the extremists had already executed the diplomat and critically wounded his wife. I managed to grab their daughter, but while carrying her to safety, we…we, uh…” A fist squeezes around my throat.
“We got caught in the crossfire. I used my body to shield her, but in the end, I couldn’t prevent her from being hit. ”
Lucy sucks in a sharp breath.
Even though I deserve every bit of her repulsion, I keep my face averted. If I meet her eyes, I’m afraid the words will stick in my throat.
The knot in my throat attempts to choke me. “Despite our best efforts, despite the bullets I took, despite the emergency medical attention, everyone died. The people we were meant to protect. All of them. Dead.”
I’ll never forget the sight of little Ella’s glazed eyes locked on a cloudless sky while her bullet-ridden body bled out in the dirt.
“Oh, Callum…” Lucy leans her shoulder against mine.
“After that failed mission, I guess you could say I became a little more nihilistic. I left the service wondering whether protecting others mattered at all.”
She scoffs under her breath. “Of course protecting others matters.”
“Me ‘protecting’ the Drakes didn’t save a single one of them.”
“But that wasn’t your fault, Callum.”
“Maybe not.” The muscles around my shoulder blades tighten. “But it shook my faith. In myself. In my abilities. In…everything.”
Lucy directs a steely stare at the concrete beneath our feet. “I remind you of that woman, don’t I? The diplomat’s wife.”
My pulse stills, then stutter-beats as I exhale.
There’s no sense in denying the truth. “You did. At first.”
“No wonder you were such an asshole about my job.”
“I misjudged you. I admit that.” When I shift, her gaze finds me. “And yeah, it’s possible that your reckless behavior in the name of fashion triggered me some, but—”
“But what?”
“None of that changes the fact that I want you.”
Her brown eyes fly wide open while a heartbreaking combination of hope, fear, and attraction rearranges her features.
“It’s like I said last night.” Emotion thickens my voice.
“I’m attracted to you. And I have been since the moment we met.
Even though guarding you brings out a side of me that I hate.
” I direct my attention to the people walking nearby.
I don’t like to talk about that part of me or who it reminds me of, but too late now.
“My father, as I told you, has mafia ties, and he always expected that I’d join the fold. He only grudgingly accepted my military service. And when I came home broken and purposeless, he saw it as validation that I shouldn’t have forged my own path.”
“So what did you do?” Lucy inches closer, her thigh pressing against mine. Electricity zips through my muscles.
“I didn’t want to deal with the family’s expectations, and I wasn’t cut out for military service anymore, so I drifted into freelance security work.
The Gallaghers are longtime family friends, and when Darren offered me an assignment within his new security firm, a different side of the Kings’ operations, I accepted. ”
“But I thought…” She shakes her head a little. “After what happened with the diplomat’s family, I’d assume you wouldn’t want to protect anyone anymore.”
“You’re right. But security’s all I’m good at.
It provides routine, structure, and income without requiring me to care about the outcome.
After all, if I’m just being paid to protect rich fucks who mingle with mafia men, well, if someone died on my watch, I wouldn’t feel the same kind of remorse I did with the Drakes. ”
I can’t believe I said that out loud. But Lucy doesn’t shy away, doesn’t flee in disgust. She just sits here. Listening.
“Anyway…” I clear my throat, hoping she doesn’t notice how much her presence knocks me off balance.
“After becoming all existential, leaving the military, and deciding to work freelance security, I started taking on high-risk contracts where my indifference to danger turned me into a valuable asset. But emotionally, it made me…”
“Hollow?” The word from her mouth is soft. Broken.
Like she understands what hollow means. Coming from her, the empathy shoves a hot coal into my gut.
“Yeah. Hollow.” I clench my fists. “And jaded. Apathetic. I’ve been bitter, too, and prejudiced toward people I perceive as shallow, self-involved, and needlessly reckless.
I began seeing every assignment as a technical exercise rather than a human mission.
Protection was just a procedure to execute rather than a person to save. Until I met you.”
She fidgets at my side. “Me?”
I avert my eyes again because I don’t have enough courage to look at her. “You said we didn’t know each other well, but now I bet you’re wishing we’d kept it that way, huh?”
Lucy slides her hand over mine, prying open my fist to accommodate her warm fingers. “I like the Callum behind the mask better.”
My heart punches my ribs.
“Well, you shouldn’t.” A long time has passed since I felt this way about someone, and if I’m being honest, I don’t know how the hell to handle it. “The last time I cared about the people I was protecting…”
“And you’re worried that’s going to happen to me? That I could end up dead?”
An ice pick of fear stabs the back of my neck. “My lack of professionalism toward you definitely increases the risk.”
“Is that all attraction is to you? A lack of professionalism.” Her fingers loosen from mine, but I squeeze her hand to keep her in place. “I didn’t say that.”
To my surprise, Lucy graces me with a stunning little smile. Adorable dimple and all. “Gotcha.”
Her perfect, shining face melts my heart like butter. She’s joking with me. Like none of my confessions repel her at all.
I rest my forehead against hers, my sight zeroing in on her lips as I battle temptation. “You should know that I’m no good at romance.”
Lightning flashes through me when she presses her mouth to mine, brushing my nose with hers. “I’ll be the judge of that.”
“I’m being serious.”
“So am I.”
“Romance…” I shake my head. “I don’t…do it. I’ve avoided anything even remotely close to it for many, many years.”
Lucy touches my face. “Sounds lonely.”
My heart plummets, weighed down by self-loathing. “I deserve loneliness.”
Her eyes gleam with strength. “I don’t believe that.”
All I can see in my head is Aisling. My university sweetheart. Her open, blue-eyed gaze and sweet, pink-lipped smile…“That’s because you don’t know my ex.”
Lucy’s eyebrows hop. “Your ex?”
Remembering Aisling is like watching an old movie in the back of my mind.
“We met in English Comp during our first year at university. Studying together morphed into dating, and we ended up in a relationship for close to three years. She and I never spoke about it all that much, but marriage felt like the plan after I completed my initial military service. While I was away, we maintained our relationship through phone calls and rare visits during my training and early deployments, but…”
Regret sticks to my ribs like a heavy meal my body refuses to digest. No matter how much time passes, my gut wrenches every time I think about her.
“But?” Lucy blinks up at me.
“But I messed it all up, okay?”
She grasps my hand. “Callum.”
Bitterness jabs me through the chest. “After the failed extraction, I started pulling away. I was…traumatized, I guess. And I couldn’t talk to her about it because it was confidential, and even if I could’ve told her, I didn’t want to burden her.
I was shot twice and hospitalized, and I refused to let her visit.
Insisted I needed to focus on my recovery. ”
Remembering how I treated her… I hate myself for it.
Lucy hums softly. “And so you broke up with her?”
I sigh. “That’s what a decent guy would’ve done. I led her on for six months. One day, while on assignment, I got a box with some of my stuff and a letter explaining that she couldn’t keep waiting for someone who seemed determined to disappear from her life.”
Lucy and I sit in uncomfortable silence.
When the quiet becomes too unbearable, I duck my chin to study my boots. “About two years later, I learned through mutual contacts that she married a childhood friend.”
Lucy brushes her thumb over the back of my hand. “I’m so sorry, Callum.”
“Me too.” Aisling’s smile still haunts me. “She deserved better. And I’ve been gun-shy ever since.”
For a few more moments, we sit in this unusual tranquility. Then Lucy jumps up to her feet, still holding one of my hands in hers. “Come on.”
“What?”
“Sounds to me like you’re completely single.” She beams, and the smile reaches her warm, knowing eyes. “Which means that you’re all mine. At least for today.”
Damn it, this woman knocks me on my ass.
“Buckle up, Kavanagh. You and I are going on a date.”
What am I supposed to say to that?