Chapter 28 – Reese #2
I thought I knew what pain was, but I didn’t. Not until I had to watch the love of my life walk away—the only love I had, that I’d ever have again—and bite down the overwhelming urge to call him back, to tell him all my truths, to beg him to forgive me.
True pain was having to let go.
True pain was regret and being powerless to change anything.
True pain was love. Being stuck with that love and having nowhere to put it, until it ate you up from the inside out.
The love became caustic, burning little holes through your entire system—slowly, over a long period of time. So slowly you didn’t notice until one day, you looked down at yourself and there was nothing there.
There were so many things I wanted to tell Dakota, there were so many past moments I wished I could somehow slip into with all the knowledge I held now—all the feelings I understood so clearly now, accepted so readily.
So many times I wanted to tell myself to do things differently, to say something other than what I had said, to give myself the truth and whisper to myself Here. This is the only thing you need. Hold it close and never let it go. Share it with the boy who loves you most, the one that you love best.
I knew I’d never regret loving Dakota.
All the pain that brought me to him was worth it, in the end.
Who knew that watching a little boy play the violin when I was nine and he was eight would lead me to this moment? To all these truths?
After Dakota left, I climbed into his bed and clung to his pillow, breathing him in.
I didn’t want to lose this scent. I didn’t want to forget it, didn’t want it to fade from my memory over time like my mom’s smell had.
I sat up and slipped the pillowcase off, folded it up, and put it in a small plastic bag.
I’d find something to seal it in so I could contain that smell forever.
Then I started to pack.
Fuck that, I wasn’t leaving.
I couldn’t leave—not when I’d just found something worth living for. And I couldn’t do something so cruel to the only person in the world who loved me.
An hour later I was unpacking my bags and putting aside all my self-pity.
All I could imagine, when I thought about what came next, was a whole life of nothing ahead of me. Just…absolutely nothing. Of waking up in an empty bed, falling asleep alone, moving through life entirely alone.
I couldn’t go back to the life I was living before him.
I might as well go for what I truly wanted because what did I have to lose? A life full of nothing, that’s what.
Dakota deserved to be the one to choose whether or not he wanted to be with me after he knew. I would tell him everything, and leave it up to him.
Yeah.
Maybe he would forgive me, maybe he’d understand, or maybe he’d need some time to come to terms with it and then forgive me.
Or maybe he’d tell me to get lost, that this was all a huge mistake and I was the world’s biggest asshole for lying to him like this.
Whatever he decided, I’d just have to live with it.
It didn’t take long to unpack everything; I’d gotten halfway through my clothes before realizing I couldn’t just leave like this.
When I was done, I curled up in his bed.
I was still gonna keep his pillowcase, though. I put a different one on his pillow and was hoping he wouldn’t notice.
I felt a million times lighter after deciding to stay, and the relief of knowing I’d get to see him again was all-consuming.
Now I just had to figure out how I’d tell him. And when. And what I’d do about his dad, because Albert had basically told me he’d cut my scholarship funding, and I didn’t doubt for a second he actually would.
Even though everything had just gotten ten times more complicated, I couldn’t stop smiling.
My dad’s words from so long ago crowded into my mind.
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing.
I never really knew what that meant, not until I got older. It always annoyed the shit out of me because I didn’t understand—but I wanted to.
And when I realized how simple it was, I just laughed at my younger self.
You had to give something to get something.
I wanted Dakota. And if I wanted him, I had to give something in return. Or give something up.
I thought in this case, I’d have to give up the fear that this would end someday. I’d have to let go of that excruciating terror that he’d be taken from me too soon or leave of his own free will before I was ready—and I didn’t think I’d ever be ready.
If I wanted Dakota, I couldn’t hesitate to love him. I had to go all in, give it everything I had, give him everything I had, everything I was.
Everything ended, I knew that. It was just a matter of when. And even if I only got a few more days or a few more hours with Dakota, I wanted them. I would keep those memories and cherish them until I died.
A laugh bubbled from my chest, fell from my lips, and snowballed into something embarrassingly hysterical.
Falling in love was like going mad.
It was like being dropped into a fiery pit of overwhelming emotions that burned through your deepest parts, transforming them into something unrecognizable. Melting them down into their purest forms, molding them into a perfect vessel for all that love.
And with it came the strongest yearning to do whatever it took to make your love happy.
To make Dakota happy.
In my heart, I knew what needed to be done. The pieces of this complex puzzle were coming together—slowly, and still not very clear, but they were coming together all the same.
I had to protect him. Fight for him.
Who else would, if not me?
I had the confessions.
I’d backed them up on two separate hard drives and in the cloud, so even if my phone got stolen or destroyed I’d still have them.
Now I just needed to confront the dean.
I was beyond nervous; there was no telling how this would turn out, but I guessed it didn’t really matter in the end.
I was pretty sure blackmailing someone was illegal, but what, exactly, qualified as blackmail? It was a question I could look up online, but then it would be in my search records and would incriminate me if I was ever arrested.
And I was probably going to be arrested.
It would be easy for someone as wealthy and influential as Albert Voss to get rid of a small nobody with zero ties to anyone.
I was banking on him placing his reputation above all else, though.
What good was his money and power if the world knew how terrible his son was?
That he’d protected said son, propagated his lies, and condemned his other son with labels like ‘crazy’ and ‘unstable’?
A man like him viewed Everett as an extension of himself, and it would be a stain on his good name if his son’s machinations became public.
At least, that’s what I was counting on.
From everything Dakota had told me about his family and from everything I’d witnessed and experienced for myself, I was fairly certain that my plan would work.
But if it failed and Dean Voss didn’t care if his son behaved badly and he had me arrested, then at least I could say I’d tried. And the files would become public anyway; I’d scheduled a post that would go up three days from now no matter what.
The bottom line was that Everett’s name would be besmirched and his true nature—and all the awful things he’d done—would be exposed.
The dean was either completely ignorant of Everett’s behavior or knew of it and enabled it.
Either way, he was responsible for it. For believing one son over another, time and time again.
So it would be in his best interest to handle things quietly.
Behind the scenes. As much as I wanted the world to know how vile the Voss family was—Dakota and Val excluded—I wanted Albert Voss to know the truth.
And if he already did, I wanted him to do something about it for once in his pathetic, privileged life.
It was Friday, and I was scheduled to meet with Dean Voss at lunch—but when I got to the administrative building, Ilsa told me the dean wasn’t in and that no more meetings would be necessary between the two of us.
I was so confused.
“What?” I stared at Ilsa, wondering if I’d heard correctly.
She gave me a fake smile. “He told me to relay this to you when you came by today. He thanks you for your time thus far and wishes you well on all your future endeavors. He also said that if you press for a meeting—uh, for anything—he’s not available until next month.
” Her fake smile became fake pity. “Sorry, hon.”
What…?
I opened my mouth, then shut it. When the fuck was I going to talk to him now? What did this even mean? Was I getting kicked out after all? Had he finally had enough?
“I don’t understand,” I said. “Am I getting kicked out?”
Ilsa looked so horrified that it immediately filled me with relief. “What? Of course not! What would make you think that? No, hon, the dean is just very busy right now. You’re not getting kicked out.”
Thank fucking god.
But…now what the fuck was I supposed to do? How was I going to play this confession for him when he wouldn’t even see me?
Then I remembered Val’s party.
Would I be able to get him alone somehow and play it for him?
Only one way to find out.