2. Kara
2
KARA
I took up my place at the end of the line, walking silently behind the other wives and their children. The women chatted about the sermon we’d just heard, the latest episode of Josiah’s podcast, and the new dress Laurie had made for herself which had gotten a lot of compliments. Josiah carried his eldest son, four-year-old Mathew, on his shoulders, while the other children skipped around his feet or were pushed in strollers by their mothers.
Nobody paid me any attention, trudging along alone.
When we reached the large, nearly new house Josiah had built for us all to share, I headed for the kitchen as unobtrusively as possible, my stomach rumbling.
Josiah caught my wrist as I reached for the refrigerator door. “Go upstairs, Kara.”
“I will,” I assured him without really thinking it through, my stomach protesting the fact I hadn’t eaten yet today. “I just need something to nibble on first. ”
A hush fell over the other women, their conversations faltering, and I quickly realized my mistake.
I hadn’t been sweet. Or meek. I had spoken back after being given a direct order.
His grip tightened until it hurt. “You eat more than any of the other women, and it shows. I said go upstairs. Pray to the Lord to forgive your greed.”
I lowered my gaze to the floor. “Of course, Brother Josiah. I didn’t mean to misspeak. I’m sorry.”
My apologies didn’t change his expression. The anger that hid behind the pale-blue ocean of his eyes. He let go of my arm, and I turned quickly, avoiding the stares of the other wives as I hurried up the stairs and to my bedroom.
I perched on the edge of my neatly made bed and waited.
He would come to punish me for my insolence. He always did.
Downstairs, the household went on about their normal morning routine, the wives making an elaborate brunch of eggs from our chickens and bacon from the last pig we’d had slaughtered. The bread had been baked earlier that morning before we’d all left the house, and the fresh, sweet smell of it still lingered in the air, even up here.
My stomach rumbled again, twisting itself into knots with hunger.
Josiah was right. I was a greedy woman.
I dropped to my knees on the floor, resting my elbows on the bed and steepled my hands in front of my face. “Lord, forgive me for the greed that consumes me. Forgive me for speaking out of turn. Forgive me for the disrespect I’ve shown my husband… ”
The list of my wrongdoings fell from my tongue, barely louder than a whisper. I repeated them, over and over, praying for forgiveness, and that my sins this morning wouldn’t taint yet another month of trying to conceive a child of God.
I kneeled there while everyone else gathered around the large kitchen table and food was handed out. My knees ached, pressed against the hard floorboards, while the clinking of cutlery and glasses drifted up the stairs, along with the happy family’s laughter.
A family I could join, if only I were a better woman. If only I could do the one thing the Lord asked of me.
The sun got higher outside my window and then began to head in the other direction, sinking toward night.
I stayed there on my knees.
Quiet. Meek. Obedient.
The perfect wife.
It was late afternoon when my bedroom door finally swung open and Josiah strode in.
I raised my gaze in time to catch him blink in confusion, like he’d completely forgotten he’d sent me here to repent for my sins.
“Have you been on your knees all day?” he asked.
“Yes, Josiah.”
He nodded in satisfaction, closing the door behind him. “The Lord is pleased with you.”
I doubted that, but I didn’t voice the thought out loud.
“Get up.”
I tried, but my legs protested the movement after being in one position for hours. My knees screamed in pain, collapsing beneath me when I tried to put weight on them. I hit the floorboards, groaning when I tried to straighten my legs through the stiffness that had developed in my joints.
Josiah grabbed my arm and yanked it hard. “I said, get up, Kara. Do you need to spend another day down on your knees praying?”
“No, Brother Josiah.” I tried again to get to my feet, but my knees just weren’t having it. I whimpered, failing again. Pins and needles shot through my legs from toe to thigh, and though my brain tried to force the limbs to work, they just wouldn’t. “I need a moment.”
Josiah’s glare turned dark. “It’s always about what you need, isn’t it? You need more food than anyone else. More time. More help. What about what I need?”
I dropped my gaze to the floor once more, knowing I was working him up and I needed to tread carefully, or all my hours of repentance would have been in vain. “What can I provide for you, Brother Josiah? Please. Anything. I’ll do it.”
He leaned down, sneering in my face. “The one thing I want from you, Kara, is the one thing you’ve never been able to give me. How hard is it? How hard is it to conceive a child? All the other women do it. And yet you continue to embarrass me. The wife I picked as my number one, proving over and over again how truly worthless she is. Are you trying to make a fool of me?”
I shook my head quickly. “Of course not.”
“Then explain to me how you can provide a bastard child to some other man, and yet when you are married, to a man the Lord has chosen as his prophet no less, you provide me nothing? The congregation laughs at me behind my back. You do realize that, don’t you? Every time they see that bastard child, they’re reminded you spread your legs for another man and grew his seed. And yet you cannot do the same for me.” His gaze darted around the room, landing on the small bedside table. He took three big steps toward it and yanked the top drawer open, rummaging through all my belongings. Not that I had many. A tattered book that had been read many times because there weren’t many other books available to me. Some paper and a few pens.
Finding nothing of interest, he stormed to my dresser, ripping out my clothes. The neatly folded garments piled up on the floor, until he whirled around, glaring at me again. “Where are they?”
I had no idea what he was talking about, but I didn’t dare say that.
Spittle formed at the corner of his mouth. “Are you deaf as well as dumb? I said, where are they?”
He left me no choice but to ask. “Where are what?”
“The pills! You stupid woman. The pills you take so you can’t get pregnant. You must have some in here somewhere.”
I blinked. “Pills?”
I knew I sounded like the dumb woman he accused me of being, but I had no pills. I knew such a thing existed in the outside world, but how I would get them here, I had no idea. Josiah kept us protected, never letting outsiders cross our fence lines without his escort. Children were thought of as the highest blessing a wife could give her husband. No woman here would deliberately try not to get pregnant. Or help another woman prevent conception .
It would dishonor her husband and be the greatest of sins.
Josiah stormed back, staring down at me on the floor, no offer of help or care.
He lowered the zipper on his pants. “You embarrass me, Kara.”
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
“Show me how sorry you truly are. Remove your veil and open your mouth.”
I did as I was told. There was no other choice.
I choked on Josiah’s member while he gripped my hair, thrusting in and out of my mouth, until that wasn’t enough to satisfy him.
“Assume the position,” he demanded. “I can’t bear to look at your face any longer. Not until you remember the vows you took to honor and obey me.”
Only now did he help me from the floor, though really, “help” was a kindness he didn’t afford me. He dragged me up until I was on all fours, knees and hands digging into the mattress.
The frame squeaked beneath us, rocking back and forth. Our thighs slapped together, and his fingers dug into the fleshy curve of my hips as he took me. I blanked out, just like I always did.
My body might have been here, but my head took me somewhere else.
Not somewhere.
Someone.
Dirty-blond hair. Tattoos winding their way up and down strong arms. Gray-blue eyes that even now, five years later, I couldn’t forget .
I buried my face in the blankets, breathing easier at the thought of him.
The one man who had never hurt me.
Josiah pulled my hair, jerking my head back. “Say my name,” he demanded.
I held tight to the memory in my head, wishing I could say another man’s name instead.
Hayden.
But he was my little secret. One who only lived in my memories.
“Josiah,” I mumbled.
“Louder, bitch.”
He’d been drinking, I realized suddenly. His true colors shined through when he’d been deep in a bottle.
“Josiah,” I said again, louder.
He shuddered behind me and pulled out.
The sound of his zipper drawing up mingled with his labored breathing, his seed leaking down my thigh.
He made a sound of satisfaction. “Stay like that, head down, ass up until it has time to soak in.” He made his way around the bed to stand in front of me and used my hair to draw my head up just enough that he could stare me in the eye. “You will have my child this month, Kara. This disobedience of yours cannot continue.”
I nodded, like his commands could actually change the way my body had rejected him over and over again.
The door closed, and I flopped down on the bed, the disobedient whore we all knew I was.
Josiah’s cum inside me, while I dreamed of another man.