4. Kara
4
KARA
I stayed in the position for the required hour, silently praying a pregnancy would come from our joining. When my time was up, the sky had turned dark, and I moved slowly and stiffly to the bathroom to clean myself up.
There was no mirror in the small space, vanity frowned upon in our community, but I was glad for it. I didn’t need a mirror to remind me my face and body were a disappointment.
I’d been chosen because of my ability to bear children at a time when Josiah had few other options. But he’d made no secret of his disgust and the fact he had never found me attractive. My face was too round. My thighs too thick. Breasts too full and heavy so they didn’t sit high and perky anymore, if they ever had. My stomach wobbled, and silver stretch mark scars from carrying Hayley Jade inside me all those years ago covered my skin.
I brushed my teeth slowly and meticulously, spitting toothpaste into the basin and rinsing my mouth. Reluctantly, I put my veil back on.
In the silent room, the tiny tap at my window was easily heard.
I glanced over my shoulder, trying to place the unusual sound. It came again, a tiny pebble flicking off the glass window.
I rushed to the windowsill and peered out into the night, squinting through the darkness and trying to make out the shadowy shapes on the ground below.
Alice waved to me frantically from behind a shrub, beckoning me down.
My heart rate increased, nerves racing through me. I shook my head, motioning for her to leave. If Josiah or one of the other wives caught her out there, she’d be punished.
And so would I.
But Alice was insistent. Her mouth pulled into a stubborn line, and her miming turned aggressive. She angrily pointed at me, and then down at the ground, a clear summons.
When I didn’t move, she changed tactics, stabbing one finger at her chest, and then toward the front door.
Oh no. She could not come to the door at this time of night and knock. Children would wake, Josiah would be so angry. We weren’t permitted guests he hadn’t approved and most certainly not after dark.
Alice stepped out from behind the bushes and walked toward the door, glaring up at me in defiance.
“Stop!” I whisper-shouted, placing my palm flat on the windowpane, like that could halt her in her tracks.
To my surprise, it did. But I knew it wouldn’t keep her still long. Clearly, she had something to say and nothing I did was going to deter her. I slipped on my shoes and jacket, closing the thick material around me and belting it at my middle. I poked my head out into the hallway, checking both ways. It was empty. Muffled sounds came from behind the closed doors, the other wives putting their children to bed with lullabies and Bible stories.
I had no idea where Josiah was, but worry plagued me that he could be somewhere in the house or on his way back from a meeting.
The last thing I wanted was for him to catch Alice loitering around outside.
I crept down the stairs, grateful the house was still new enough they didn’t squeak. At the landing, I hurried through the darkened living room and reached for the door handle.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
I froze, spinning around.
Camilla, wife number two, scowled at me in the darkness. Her youngest was swaddled in her arms, quiet in sleep. I hadn’t even seen her, curled up on the couch with her son.
“Camilla.” I put my hand over my heart, trying to calm the racing pulse. “You startled me. Is Jonathan colicky again?”
“I’ve got him off again now. I was just about to take him back upstairs.”
I nodded at her. “Of course. Don’t let me stop you. I’m just going out for some air. My stomach is a little off, and my room is stuffy. A short, nighttime walk will do me good.”
Camilla’s eyes narrowed. “It’s past curfew. ”
She was right. We weren’t allowed outside the home after darkness fell. I already knew she would tattle to Josiah the minute he returned. The fact she hadn’t already called out for him told me she knew he wasn’t here.
Jealousy rolled off her in waves, just like it always did when we were forced to interact. Why, I had no real idea. She was the perfect wife. With four beautiful children in such a short space of time, surely she knew she was Josiah’s favorite.
But I was wife number one, and it was clear it irked her. Even if I was a failure in every other way.
I needed to get outside before Alice came looking for me. “I’ll only be a minute, and I won’t go far. But I don’t think anyone wants me in here, vomiting and waking the babies up. Do you? You probably should go upstairs now. I may be contagious.”
Camilla screwed her nose up and covered little Jonathan’s face with the blanket, like that would keep him safe from my cooties. “We’ll need to disinfect everything in the morning if you have a stomach virus.”
“Indeed, sister. I am truly sorry for the extra work. But please, l must go now. I really do feel quite ill.”
Camilla didn’t offer any sympathies like Laurie or Scarlett might have. She hurried up the stairs, leaving me blissfully alone to sneak out of the house.
I slipped out, closing the door quietly behind me and searched the darkness for my actual sister. “Alice!” I hissed.
“Took you long enough,” she huffed, grabbing my arm and pulling me into the trees that surrounded my house .
I shook her off, casting a nervous glance back at the house, half expecting Camilla to be watching me out the window. “Stop it. You’re going to get us both in trouble. What are you even doing here? Does Dad know you’re out of the house?”
Alice huffed. “I’m a grown woman. I’ll do as I please.”
“Don’t talk like that,” I scolded. I knew all too well how sass and independence got you in trouble. I grabbed my sister’s arms and spun her to face me. “You know what happened to me when I started thinking along those lines. Don’t follow in my footsteps. What do you want that’s so important it couldn’t wait until morning?”
Alice swallowed thickly, her expression turning serious. “I think Hayley Jade is in danger.”
My mouth went dry, and my heart that was already beating too fast, just because I was breaking the rules, went into overdrive at the mention of my daughter’s name. “Is she hurt? Where is she?”
It didn’t matter that she no longer knew me as her mother. That it was some other woman who got to tuck her into bed each night. My heart still knew she was my child.
“I’ll show you.” Alice dragged me into a brisk walk, and this time, instead of protesting, I followed, keeping pace with her quick steps.
“Don’t ask me why I was out past curfew. I just was. But when I was sneaking back, I noticed that.” She pointed ahead.
Through the darkness, a dull orange light glowed. The sounds of voices floated in the cold night air.
I stopped. “The men are at the bonfire. So what?” It wasn’t exactly an unusual event. We didn’t have a bar within the community, and drinking in homes wasn’t allowed. Women were expressly forbidden to indulge.
But we all knew the men did. It was hardly a secret when they rolled home at two in the morning, too drunk to hide it. Not that they would have bothered trying.
Alice’s lips twisted into a grim line. “They have Hayley Jade with them.”
My eyes widened in shock, and then I was running through the woods, not caring if anyone heard me coming.
Alice caught me and pulled me down to the ground as the circle of men appeared. “Are you insane?” she whispered, puffing slightly from having to jog to catch me. “You can’t just run in there!”
I tried to calm my rapid breathing, but I couldn’t suck in enough air at the sight of my little girl, sitting on a man’s lap looking tired and confused while he drank from a dark-colored bottle.
“Where’s Shari?” I bit out around the lump in my throat. “Is this what she thinks being a mother is? Leaving your child to a group of men she barely knows?” I wrung my hands, fighting the urge to leap out from behind the fallen log we were using as cover and race across the clearing to snatch my daughter from the arms of the man I’d only seen a few times at church. I couldn’t even remember his name.
“I don’t know.” Alice rubbed my hand slowly, soothingly. “But right now, everything is okay. I don’t know what’s going on here, which is why I came to get you. But Hayley Jade is there. She’s safe at least for now. Maybe Shari asked Onith to babysit her tonight?”
I stared at my sister. “So he brought her to a bonfire so he could get drunk?” I stared back at the possessive hold the man had on Hayley Jade’s waist and didn’t like it. “You can’t seriously tell me you believe that, otherwise you wouldn’t have just told me my daughter was in danger.”
Alice sighed. “Maybe I’m just being dramatic. This could all be very innocent…”
Except her instincts had been it wasn’t. And mine were screaming in alarm at the very sight of one small girl surrounded by so many men.
Drunken laughter came from the woods beyond the far side of the circle, and out stumbled Shari and a man I’d never seen before. Shari tugged at her clothes, trying to straighten them, while the man groped her breasts, fighting against her to free them from her woolen top while she tried to get it back into place.
Alice gasped. “Oh, that slu—”
I cut her off with a glare. “Don’t you dare call her a name. Look at her face. You think she has a choice in whatever is going on here?”
Josiah raised an eyebrow at the couple, but his gaze focused on the man. “Well? What do you think?”
“I think your women are very lovely.” He sat heavily on one of the wooden seats surrounding the fire. He grinned at the circle of men. “She was real sweet, bouncing up and down on my cock.”
They all laughed, while Shari blushed and stared down at the ground, mortification written all over her face.
Josiah nodded like he was pleased and turned his gaze to the man beside the newcomer. I didn’t recognize him either.
“Would you like a sample as well? We like all our new friends to get a taste of what their lives can be like if they join us. Shari here will only be too pleased to accommodate any requests you might have. Our women like to please their men. We teach that the way to serve the Lord is to serve your husband, who was made in the Lord’s image. Pleasing our men is the way our women show their faith and commitment to God. Isn’t that right, Shari?”
Shari nodded quickly, pushing to her feet once more and holding her hand out to Josiah’s guest.
Alice’s mouth dropped open. “She’s just fucked one guy now she’s going to go fuck another?”
“Don’t use language like that,” I said on autopilot while my stomach churned.
My heart ached for the woman, so clearly being used by Josiah and his friends as bait. Was this how they were luring new members in? With promises of easy women? What else did they promise?
I looked over at my sister, who was glaring at the group with barely controlled anger.
She didn’t even seem to see the danger she was in.
She’d been spared so far, but if this was what Josiah was doing, how much longer would it be before it was her, forced to take men into the woods so she could “serve God.”
The new man pushed Shari’s hand away, his dark eyes focused on Hayley Jade. “My tastes run…younger.”
My blood turned to ice.
Alice dug her fingernails into my arm. “Don’t,” she whispered. “Let Josiah handle it. He’s not a monster. He’ll put him in his place.”
My sister didn’t know my husband the way I did .
Josiah motioned for Hayley Jade to come to him.
Onith loosened his grasp on her, and she walked obediently across the clearing to her leader.
Josiah’s gaze rolled over my daughter, his eyes hardening. “Kneel before your leader, little girl.”
“Shit,” Alice mumbled.
I didn’t even reprimand her for her poor language. I couldn’t do anything but watch my daughter and pray she just did as she was told.
Hayley Jade pouted. “I don’t like kneeling. It hurts my knees.”
My heart stopped.
She was too much like me.
Josiah leaned forward, so he was face-to-face with her. The anger in his eyes at her refusal to worship him was visible even from a distance. “It’s very lucky you’re so pretty and worth so much money.”
Onith glanced up with interest. “Wait. You’re selling her?”
Josiah sat back and picked up his beer bottle again. “I’ve got a contact interested, and frankly, I can’t stand to look at her any more. I’ve just been waiting, biding my time because she was so pretty I knew I could get a good amount of money for her. But she’s what, six now?”
“Five,” Hayley Jade said quietly.
Josiah shrugged. “Close enough.”
The newcomer’s greedy-eyed gaze lifted to meet Josiah’s. “What is your asking price? I’ll pay.”
Onith shot a glance at the new man and then shook his head at Josiah. “I’ll pay more than what either of them are offering. I’ve had my eye on her for a while.”
I let out the tiniest of whimpers .
Alice wiped the back of her hand over her mouth. “I’m going to be sick. Does Dad know about this? Does Mama?”
Our father wasn’t among the men sitting around the fire, and I wholeheartedly wanted to believe he knew nothing about this. But these were the same parents who had willingly sold me to Josiah, and the same parents who had allowed him to take my child and give her to another woman, so I didn’t hold out much hope that they didn’t know about Josiah’s plans to sell her.
She was an embarrassment to them, as much as she was to Josiah. She was a daily reminder of their failures as parents and a burden nobody wanted.
Nobody except me, and these disgusting excuses for men who had entered into some sort of sick bidding war, three of them arguing now over which could pay the most money for the privilege of owning the child.
Josiah’s grin of amusement told me he had probably planned this. Or at least had an inkling it might happen. Eventually, as the bidding war grew louder, he waved his free hand, his beer bottle touching his upturned lips. “Settle down, settle down. My contact will outbid you all. This is pointless. By this time tomorrow, she’ll be his property.”
Alice turned big eyes on me. “What are we going to do?”
I’d been brave once. I’d left, found my own way out of here, and crossed the country, searching for more.
I’d found it.
But I wasn’t that woman anymore. The outside world had beaten it out of me as much as Josiah had.
Listening to these men threaten my daughter terrified me in more ways than just the obvious. I didn’t want to leave the commune. At least here, I knew my place. I had food and somewhere to sleep.
Outside, I had nothing.
But if I stayed and Josiah sold my goddamn daughter to some sick excuse for a human being, I knew I couldn’t live with myself. My fingers shook in terror at the words I knew I had to say, knowing if it went wrong, we’d all be dead.
But there was no other choice. “Escape.”