27. Kara
27
KARA
A n ambulance siren whirred in my head. The sky around us black, but red-and-blue lights reflecting off the dark, wet road outside.
Pain throbbed through my body. Every inch of me tender and sore from birthing my sweet girl just days before.
But in the front of the ambulance, her father sat behind the wheel. His face twisted into pure malice. A gun aimed at the man in the passenger seat.
Boom.
The crack of the gunshot splintered my ears, and the tiny baby in my arms screamed until her tiny face was scarlet.
It matched the blood spreading across the man’s chest.
“No!” I screamed, lunging forward but unable to get to him.
He looked back at me. He wasn’t supposed to be a good man. He’d done bad things. Things that would send him straight to Hell.
And yet he’d been kind. Sweet. He’d held my hand when I’d wanted to give up and convinced me to try again .
He was the only reason I was alive. The only reason my daughter was breathing and in my arms.
I was the reason he was dead.
I woke up with a start, drenched in sweat. “Hayden,” I mumbled around the lump in my throat.
Queenie glanced over at me, a chunky romance hardback in her hands. “What was that, sugar?”
I shook my head, blinking a few times and trying to orient myself. My heart pounded with adrenaline from the dream I’d had so many times in the past five years. That day playing out in my nightmares in horrifying detail, so I could never forget it.
“Nothing.” I scrubbed a hand over my face, the exhaustion I’d felt in the dream seemingly following me into the real world as well. The room was so busy I wondered how I’d managed to sleep through it. Besides Queenie and her book, Ice and the other prospects sat around a round table playing cards. Aloha and a man they called Crow sat at the bar, nursing beers while they chatted. Kiki and Amber had a phone out and were dancing in front of it to tinny music from the speakers, laughing when one of them got a step wrong, and then starting over.
Hayley Jade was nowhere to be seen.
I’d fallen asleep and had no idea where my child was.
Panic flooded my system. “Where’s—”
Queenie reached over and put a hand on my knee. “She’s fine. She’s with Hawk.”
Hawk’s name sent a flush of heat through me before Queenie’s words even registered.
“Where are they?”
Queenie frowned. “He took her into town. ”
“What!” I shook my head, pushing to my feet. Terror gripped me, the thought of Josiah’s sharp-nailed fingers getting a grip on my daughter too much to bear. I knew he was out there, just waiting and watching for his moment to take her from me.
Again.
Men always took her.
First her father, not long after that night in the ambulance.
Then Josiah.
Now Hawk.
“No!” I yelled, the terror bubbling up my throat because it had nowhere else to go and I couldn’t contain it a second longer. “No! She can’t go into to town. Josiah will—”
“Josiah will meet his so-called fucking God if I ever get the displeasure of seeing his ugly face,” Hawk said from the doorway. He dumped an armful of shopping bags on the floor and leaned on the doorframe, his gaze immediately latching on to mine.
I ran to him, my chest so tight it hurt. “Where is she?” Leftover panic from my dream ripped its way through my body. All I could see was Caleb’s black eyes the night he’d killed Hayden. Josiah’s evil laugh while he made plans to auction off my daughter to the highest bidder.
I dug my fingers into Hawk’s shirt and tore at the fabric. “Where is she, Hawk? Where the hell is my daughter? You can’t take her from me! Not again! Not again!”
I couldn’t breathe. I clutched at my throat, clawing at my skin, desperate for air when the room had none. “Please!” I begged him. “Please, give her back.”
Hawk stared at me in shock, his big body frozen as he took in my breakdown and the pathetic, sniveling mess I was. He reached for me, but his touch burned like fire, and I cried out, flinching away from him.
His voice remained calm. “You’re having a panic attack.”
I shook my head, my lungs screaming for air.
He pointed down his leg. “Breathe, Kara. She’s right here.”
Hayley Jade peeked out from behind his legs, her eyes huge with fright, a new purple-and-pink unicorn stuffie clutched in her arms.
My legs gave out, and I sank to my knees in relief, tears pricking at the backs of my eyes. I held my arms out for her, needing to touch her soft skin and assure myself she was really there.
She stood there frozen, her face pointed at the floor and her entire body trembling.
My heart broke into a million pieces.
She was so scared of me.
I didn’t know how to be her mother. That much was clear. What child was scared of their own parent?
Queenie frowned. “Kara…”
She read the desperate plea for help in my expression and sighed, putting her book down and standing. She moved across the room to Hayley Jade’s side and picked her up.
Hayley Jade went willingly, laying her head down on Queenie’s shoulder much like she had the night before.
Like Queenie’s arms were the only safe spot she had.
Tears spilled down my cheeks again as Queenie carried my trembling daughter from the room. Queenie glanced back at me at the last second and covered Hayley Jade’s ears. “You two need to sort your shit out.” She glared at Hawk. “I told you not to take her without Kara’s permission, but do you ever listen to anyone? No, you most certainly do not.”
I waited for Hawk to snap back at her, because I’d never heard him take a dressing down well.
But he didn’t say a word.
Queenie’s gaze slid to mine. “You’re her mother. I know you don’t feel like it right now, but you are, and she needs you.”
She turned and moved down the hall, shutting the two of them into her bedroom once more. The door shut with a soft snick, but I flinched as if she’d slammed it in my face.
I couldn’t get up. The entire room had gone quiet, all eyes watching us, but I couldn’t bring myself to stand. I had nothing left in me to propel me to my feet.
All I had was sadness, grief, and pure fear.
This wasn’t the life I’d wanted. But I couldn’t even imagine one that included happiness. Not with Alice’s body lying cold in the morgue. Not with Josiah out there somewhere, just lurking in the shadows, waiting for his time to bring me home.
Not with Hayley Jade not talking and so scared of me she preferred anyone else.
“Get up,” Hawk said quietly.
I couldn’t. My body was entirely boneless, my muscles all refusing to work.
“Get up, Kara,” he said again. He reached down and lifted my chin so I was forced to look into his green eyes.
I knew he was right. I couldn’t just sit there on the floor. I pushed to my feet, but he still towered over me from his six-foot-plus vantage point.
He picked up his shopping, his eyes flaming. “Come with me.”
I didn’t dare disobey or complain. I’d already disrespected him so badly by yelling at him in front of his entire clubhouse. I followed him out into early evening, the sun slipping beneath the horizon but the last light rays of the day giving us enough to see the path through the trees.
I walked with my head down, not bothering to place my feet as carefully on the uneven path as I would normally because what did it even matter if I twisted my ankle and fell? I deserved whatever pain and punishment came my way.
I followed him to a cabin in the woods and straight up the stairs, not questioning why he’d brought me here.
That wasn’t my place.
Only knowing that I’d spoken out of turn. That I’d yelled at him in front of everyone and I would now be punished for the disrespect I’d shown him.
He might not have been my husband, but he was the vice president of this club. He demanded respect, and while I lived here, I owed him that. I knew my place.
He opened the door, dumping the bags by the couch, and I followed him inside.
He whirled on me the second I closed the door behind me. “What the fuck was all of that?”
I didn’t say anything. Trying to explain myself only ever made Josiah angrier. It was better to just be quiet.
Quiet as the church mouse Hawk had said I was.
His body was tense with anger. “Kara, I would never hurt a kid! Or let anyone else hurt her! What kind of fucking monster do you think I am?”
A tremble ran down my spine at his harsh, sharp words.
He paced up and down the cabin, running his hands through the short lengths of his hair. He stopped abruptly. “Look, Queenie told me not to take her. But fuck, she was smiling and happy and she wanted to come. You were sleeping. I told Queenie to tell you where she was when you woke up so you wouldn’t worry. Maybe it was a bad idea. But she held my hand the entire fucking time we were out. She was safe, Kara. If Josiah had tried anything I would have taken him to his grave before he could lay a finger on her.”
I’d insulted him. That much was clear. Questioned his manhood. His ability to protect his flock. Josiah would have never stood for that sort of behavior. I didn’t blame Hawk for not accepting it either.
“Are you seriously just going to say nothing?” he asked.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
He stared at me, anger flickering behind his eyes. “Why the hell are you sorry?”
One night at dinner I’d questioned Josiah when he’d said that Hayley Jade would need to get her ears pierced because one day her husband would want her to be pretty.
We’d been newly married. It had only been me and him at that time, wives number two, three, and four not yet in the picture. He’d sat there across the table from me and let me go on and on about how she should have the right to choose what she does with her own body .
I’d been too stupid to see the darkening in his eyes. The growing fury that I dared to disagree with him.
He’d told me to go to my room and assume the position so he could remind me who was the man and who was the woman.
Who got to have opinions and who didn’t.
Hawk was powerful. He was the VP of this club, and he could so easily throw me back out on the streets.
Josiah existed beyond the gates. Hiding in the darkness. Just waiting for me to mess this up so he could bring me home and sell my daughter.
I couldn’t let that happen.
Slowly, I toed off my shoes.
Then with my eyes glued to Hawk’s, I reached beneath my skirt and lowered my panties.
Hawk hissed at the sight of the garment screwed up in my fingers. “What the hell are you doing?”
On shaky legs, I crossed the small cabin to the only bedroom. Beyond the open doorway, a king-sized bed sat on the other side, bare of sheets.
That gave me pause for a moment, but Josiah had always wanted me on the bed, and I didn’t know what else to do. I crawled across it, so I was kneeling on all fours, my knees and hands digging into the soft mattress.
“I said it once, and now I’m begging you to fucking answer,” Hawk growled from behind me. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“Apologizing,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry I questioned you. I know that isn’t a woman’s place.” I lowered my head to the mattress, behind still raised in the air.
I buried my face in my arm, and with the other, reached back to lift my skirt for him .
Shame and humiliation burned my face, but Josiah hated when my skirts got in the way. He never wanted me fully naked though, because all the weight I’d put on repulsed him.
Hawk made a strangled noise from behind me. “What the actual fuck, Kara?”
I twisted to look at him.
At his horrified expression, I quickly turned around and covered myself up. I hunched in on myself, instantly realizing I’d done the wrong thing. Again.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, shameful tears pricking the backs of my eyes.
The mattress groaned as Hawk put one knee on the edge of it and grasped my chin. “Stop fucking saying that! I’m the one who needs to apologize to you! And not just for taking Hayley Jade. Queenie was right about that, it was stupid, and I shouldn’t have taken her without asking you.”
I shook my head quickly. “A man doesn’t need to ask a woman’s permission…”
The growl that came deep in his chest was so feral it stopped my words dead.
“Is that what all of this was about? You do something wrong, and I don’t even have to ask permission to…” The color drained out of his face at the realization before it morphed into a blind fury. “I’m going to kill that Josiah fucker. Rip him limb from limb.”
I shook my head. “It’s not my place to question a man.”
He let out an angry breath. “That’s what happened this morning in my bed, then? You didn’t say no because he made you think you weren’t allowed to? ”
A flush of heat rushed through me at the memory of what we’d done in his bed. His fingers rubbing over my sensitive places. The moisture slicking between my legs. His erection hard and thick, nudging my entrance, seeking its place deep inside me.
I couldn’t lie. Lying would only bring punishment. If not from Hawk or Josiah, then from the Lord himself. “No,” I said in a tiny voice, barely able to force the word from between my traitorous lips.
I was a married woman and a daughter of the Lord. Hawk was not part of His flock. The demons on the gate proved that.
“Kara, I was a damn breath away from plunging my cock inside you. Why the hell didn’t you say no?” Hawk sounded like he was in physical pain.
But so was I. I didn’t want to lie. But I didn’t want to admit the truth either.
“I didn’t want to say no,” I finally whispered, swallowing hard.
Hawk froze. “What?”
The embarrassment and shame ate me alive. I couldn’t stand to be in the room a second longer. “I should go.” I needed to leave before I made a fool out of myself by crying.
But Hawk slowly shook his head. “No, Little Mouse. There’s no fucking way you’re dropping a bomb like that and then walking out of here. I’ve felt like a piece of shit all day, cleaning this fucking cabin from top to bottom as a penance for what I almost did to you, shopping at all these women’s stores where I was sorely out of place, and then you open those sweet fucking lips of yours and tell me you didn’t want to say no? ”
“I’m married,” I murmured, no idea how else to explain my behavior.
“Like I fucking care.” He moved up the bed, and I scuttled backward until my spine hit the headboard. “Like I care about anything other than one, simple question.”
We were eye to eye. His warm breath coasting over my lips. His gaze dropped to my mouth and stayed there for an agonizingly long second before finally drawing back up.
“What?” It was almost more of a breath than a word, but suddenly it was the only sound I could make.
“I need to know if you didn’t say no because you just wanted to please me. Or did you not say no because you liked what I was doing to you?”
I should have denied it. Should have told him that the Lord punished those who went outside their marriage for personal gratification.
And yet, Hawk’s expression demanded truth. He was so close, he was all I could see. And every part of me was burning with a fire I didn’t know myself capable of.
“Tell me the truth, Little Mouse. I’ll know if you’re lying. Did. You. Like it?”
He pushed me back on the unmade bed, so I was laid out flat on my back. With his knees either side of my thighs and his weight braced on his arms, he hovered over me. Not touching me, though my skin tingled with awareness at how close he was.
Tingled with the memory of what he’d felt like nestled in behind me, his dick pressing between my legs, searching for an entrance while his fingers worked my clit in a maddening rhythm .
Slowly, he lowered himself on top of me, giving me every opportunity to stop him.
Just like that morning, I said nothing.
He was hard behind his gray sweatpants. He rubbed his erection against my skirt, letting me feel every inch of him though the fabric kept us apart. Behind the thin T-shirt, my nipples went hard from the friction of his chest on mine.
I gave up a tiny mewling sound that he breathed in like it was oxygen.
His nose ran the length of my neck and up to my ear. His lips brushed my cheeks when he whispered, “You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologize for. I was the one who was out of line. It’s me who needs to apologize. But, Kara?” His mouth was on my neck. “I’ve never been much good at words.”
His lips caught the sensitive spot beneath my ear, and he sucked my skin in a way that sent a sharp ripple of pleasure through me, so fast and unexpected I gasped at his touch.
“But I need yours. I need you to tell me you want me to put my fingers back where they were this morning.”
He moved his hand between us and touched his fingers to the sensitive spot at the top of my slit. I moaned, pressing back against his touch, increasing the friction, chasing the memory of the feeling he’d given me earlier.
He rubbed me through my clothes, murmuring his approval when my legs dropped open and he fit himself in between. “Words, Kara. Your body is giving me all green flags, but that isn’t enough. I need to know your head wants me as much as your sweet, wet pussy does. You’re wet for me, aren’t you, Little Mouse?”
“Yes,” I moaned, closing my eyes and jerking my hips with his touch, begging for more.
“Yes I can make you come? Or yes you’re wet for me?”
The feeling rocketing through my body took hold of my tongue. “Yes to both.”
A long time ago, I’d heard Rebel and her friends talk about orgasms. About how good “coming” felt. It wasn’t something I’d ever thought about though.
Not until Hawk was on top of me, fully clothed, and saying things that would surely get us both sent straight to Hell.
In the moment, I knew I didn’t care. His touch was the first nice thing I’d felt in so very long. It had the added bonus of focusing my attention down to that one point where he touched me. It was hard to think of anything else when his fingers were working my clit.
Hawk lifted my skirt, settling it around my hips and baring my naked flesh beneath.
He didn’t give me a chance to second-guess myself though. I let out a shout of ecstasy as his fingertips slid over my clit and then lower to the silky opening below.
“So fucking wet for me, Little Mouse. You’re such a good girl. I knew you would be. Tell me you want my fingers inside your sweet pussy.”
“Yes,” I groaned, pleading for more than what he’d given me so far. The feeling building inside was the same one I’d had this morning, the same one that had my breasts desperate and needy, aching to be touched.
Like he could read my mind, he issued his next demand. “Shirt off, Little Mouse. Bra too. I need to see those fucking tits. I’ve been thinking about them since you watched me come for you.”
I’d never heard a man talk like this. Never imagined I would like it.
But my body responded to every word. Every command. I didn’t know what I was doing, but his demands gave me guidance when I didn’t know what I needed. I pulled my shirt off, but he didn’t even give me a chance to do the same to my bra. He yanked the strap roughly down one shoulder and flipped the cup, letting one breast tumble free.
That was good enough.
He lowered his head, fitting his mouth over my nipple and sucked hard.
“Oh!” I gasped, fingers clutching the back of his head absentmindedly as he tongued the tip of my breast into a hardened, wet peak for his mouth.
At the same time, his finger pressed inside me and up against my inner walls.
My skirt around my middle covered my fat rolls, and I was grateful. It was bad enough he could see the cellulite on my thighs, but maybe it was dark enough in this room that he hadn’t noticed. Neither of us had turned a light on, and the sun had well and truly set since we’d been in here.
He pushed a second finger up inside me and rubbed his thumb over my clit. I cried out again, forgetting every concern because none could exist when he touched me like this.
“I need…” I muttered, except I didn’t know what I needed. Him. More. This feeling to never end because inside it, everything felt good. Nothing bad could touch me , as long as he just kept his fingers and tongue moving.
“You need to come, Little Mouse. You’re drowning my fingers.”
That didn’t seem like a good thing, and yet he said it in a way that gave me goosebumps. That made me want to be even wetter, just because he seemed to like it.
“He ever make you come, Mouse? He ever touch you like this?” Hawk practically purred.
I shook my head, grasping his shoulders, his T-shirt bunching in my fists. “No.”
Hawk chuckled into my breast, teasing the other from my bra. “You ever touch yourself like this?”
I gasped, “Of course not!”
Such things were not allowed. It let the Devil in.
Though apparently that wasn’t something I could consider when it was Hawk touching me.
He groaned into my breasts, his tongue tracing patterns around the swells and dipping in between. “So fucking soft. Come for me.”
He dropped his head down my body, bypassing the rolled-up skirt and licked between my legs.
My eyes flew open at the sensation, and my internal muscles clamped down hard. I shouted in surprise at the feel of him inside me, at him being there to stroke me from the inside out in a way that had my eyes rolling back. His tongue assaulted my clit, and some voice in the back of my mind said it was dirty and a sin, but I was completely helpless to make him stop.
I just wanted more.
My hips moved of their own accord, writhing against his face, his fingers buried so deep within my folds. I rode his fingers shamelessly, pleasure everywhere he touched and everywhere he didn’t.
The feeling slowly began to fade, and I stared at the ceiling, trying to catch my breath, my head spinning with dizzying thoughts I could barely make sense of.
I untangled my fingers from the short lengths of his hair, realizing I’d been twisting it in a way that had to have hurt him. Absentmindedly, because my head was still halfway between earth and the clouds, I changed the touch, stroking my fingers across his scalp instead, soothing the area I had to have damaged.
My chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath.
I suddenly understood why Rebel and her friends had talked so favorably about orgasms. That had been…new.
Exciting.
So very different from anything I’d ever experienced that tears pricked behind my eyes.
Hawk pulled his fingers from inside me and sat back on his knees. His fingers glistened with my arousal, and I flushed hot, embarrassed at the sight.
“Look at me, Little Mouse. Watch me taste you.”
He slid all three fingers into his mouth, sucking them clean. His grin did strange things to my insides.
I realized I was still bared to him and clutched at my clothes to cover myself up, but he caught my wrists and gently pushed them away.
Then he pulled down my skirt and flipped the cups of my bra back into place. He got up off the bed, his erection still evident through his sweats, but he didn’t mention it. From the floor he grabbed my T-shirt and pulled it on over my head for me, waiting while I put my arms through the appropriate holes, and then dragged it down to cover my chest.
Then he dropped to his knees at my feet. “You need your panties back on before you can go back up to the clubhouse. I can’t be thinking about you up there, panty-less in front of all my brothers.” He held them out for me. “Step in.”
I’d never had someone take care of me the way he was. I’d only been with two men, Caleb—Hayley Jade’s biological father—and Josiah. Neither had so much as looked at me after they were done, let alone helped me to get dressed again.
And Hawk wasn’t even…done.
I glanced down at his sweats. “You… You didn’t…”
“No. I didn’t.”
“I can…”
He shook his head. “I owed you that orgasm, Little Mouse. That was my way of saying sorry.” He crossed his arms over his broad chest, a smile pulling at his perfect mouth. “Now I only owe you one more.”
I was so self-conscious I wanted to die. “You don’t owe me anything. Your apology is accepted.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Good, I’m off the hook for the apology orgasm then. But I came just from watching you in my bedroom. You didn’t. That doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t want you ever leaving my room without coming, you hear me? That’ll never happen again.”
I shook my head, so flustered by this man I couldn’t even look at him. Had he just licked between my legs? With his tongue? The horror of that was slowly sinking through the afterglow of how good it had felt. “We can’t…I can’t do that again. ”
He winked. “Sure you can. All you have to do is come to my room, and I’ll know. You don’t even have to ask.”
“I won’t do that,” I said in a hurry. “I’m married.”
Hawk laughed like my protests were all futile. “You’ll be on my cock by the end of the week. I’ll have you naked, tits in my face, your pussy stretched around my dick, taking you slow and then fucking you hard before the weekend rolls around.”
My mouth dropped open.
He reached over and closed it for me. “You’ll see.” He walked to the door with the confidence of a man who had never been turned down in his life. He pointed to the bags he’d bought while he was out with Hayley Jade. “I bought new sheets, blankets, pillows. A bunch of other shit Hayley Jade and I thought you might like. Candles or whatever. Use them.”
He left the cabin, the front porch boards groaning beneath his weight as he jogged down the stairs and disappeared into the evening light.
I watched him go and then sank to my knees, praying to the Lord to forgive my sins.
And to grant me the willpower to resist making them all over again.