Chapter 36
Cherry
Cherry turned the key in the mortice lock of her Bruntsfield garden flat and listened for the reassuring clunk that always made her feel safe in the historical solidity of Edinburgh.
Today, it sounded like the empty sound of a key turning in a lock mechanism.
As she strolled onto the Meadows and across to the coffee shops of Quartermile, the cool autumn air was a refreshing balm.
The view of Arthur’s Seat – the emerald-green extinct volcano which rose majestically across the skyline – invigorated her.
Edinburgh was a city that sat cheek by jowl with nature.
But the truth was, even in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, after Kinshore it felt bleak and lonely. Without Sean, she was like one of the trees on the Meadows with their leaves falling off. In a month or so, they’d be completely bare.
It was a short walk in the other direction to the casino where Cherry had joined the poker tables in the evenings.
Her presence turned a few knowing heads, but she’d focused on the game and walked away in the green every night.
Ultimately, though, it was depressing to be surrounded by strangers – men, mostly – some hiding from their wives, some posturing and losing, some tech students avoiding sweating away in a bar or a restaurant for minimum wage.
And, every night, she journeyed home in the low September light with an emptiness inside that couldn’t even be filled by a large serving of chips from the fish bar – even if they were piping hot, salty, vinegary deliciousness.
The answer to whether she was still a party poker queen was that she could be if she wanted to, but it simply wasn’t her priority anymore.
At the door of the coffee shop, time slowed down as Cherry spotted Kirsty inside. Buggy next to her, wriggling toddler on the neighbouring seat.
And the bump.
It was barely noticeable, but she knew it was there so sought it out as if to prepare herself.
She could walk away now. Not have to put herself through the pain of hearing about the ups and downs of being a mum.
Because it wasn’t only hearing about the ups that was hard.
It was all hard. The thing about wanting it so much was that you wanted the bad stuff too.
You wanted the whole package, no matter what people told you.
But this was one of her oldest friends, waiting to meet her. She couldn’t ghost her.
Cherry took a deep breath and opened the door.
It was like slipping into an old pair of shoes. Conversation came so easily, and Kirsty was more interested in hearing about Cherry’s life than talking about herself. But Cherry found that she wanted to know about her friend.
‘So how is Marty?’ she asked of Kirsty’s husband.
‘Oh... I forgot you don’t know.’ Kirsty handed a plushie duck to her daughter. ‘Marty and I broke up.’
‘What? When? Why?’
‘He left me about a year and a half ago for one of the teachers at Kallie’s nursery. She’s twenty-six. It’s tragic. For her.’ Kirsty laughed.
‘Oh, Kirsty, I’m so sorry. What a loser.’
‘It’s fine. I’m over it. He’s a dick, and I’m well shot of him. I’ve a new man now. Well, an old man, actually. Joe McNeill, the one from uni who got away, and father of this little one.’ She curved her palm over her bump.
‘Oh my goodness! I remember Joe. You guys reunited. That’s incredible.’
‘Yes, if I’m honest, I thought about him a fair bit over the years, always regretted letting him go.
And turns out he thought about me too. Although we have a spanner in the works, in that he’s just been given a diagnosis of MS. This time next year, life is going to be a lot harder.
We’re currently trying to put some reinforcements in place to prepare. ’
Cherry was truly saddened by Joe’s illness, but two things struck her about Kirsty’s situation. The regret she talked of about letting the love of her life slip away. And her attitude to the future. She was planning, not running. She and Joe were in things together.
Cherry rubbed at her wedding ring. ‘No one knows what’s in the future, good or bad.’ Those were Sean’s words.
‘Tell me about your husband,’ Kirsty said. ‘I want to know everything.’
‘Well…’ Cherry sipped her hot chocolate. ‘His name’s Sean, he makes whisky barrels, his family owns Butler’s Whisky, he’s tall, handsome and hilarious, and I love the pants off him, which might be why I married him after two days.’
‘Oh my God, Cherry. Listen to you; look at you. You’re glowing.’
‘Sorry, sorry. I’m like one of those lovesick idiots.’
‘No, no, it’s wonderful. I don’t mean “listen to you” in a bad way. I mean, how amazing that you’ve found this. Who finds that? Not everyone. You’re so lucky and so deserving.’
Cherry’s hot chocolate nearly became a salted one as a tear dropped from her eye.
‘I am lucky, aren’t I? I’ve spent so long hoping for someone like Sean, and I get him, and to be honest, I’ve spent a lot of time worrying that I’m not good enough for him.’
The surprise on Kirsty’s face threw things into a different perspective.
For a moment, Cherry was standing outside her life staring in, seeing a woman who deserved the love of the man she’d fallen in love with at first sight.
Of course, it was a little more complicated than that and she didn’t want to talk about that with Kirsty, not when she hadn’t seen her in years and Kirsty was expecting.
But if you looked at it in a pure way, without all the baggage, you had two people who were besotted with one another. Plain and simple.
As Kirsty had just reiterated, some people waited a lifetime.
‘I could tell, by your wedding photo, you guys were smitten. You looked so happy.’
‘We were.’ Cherry watched Kirsty’s small daughter playing with a toy. She smiled at the little girl, who smiled back at her. ‘We are. Very happy.’
‘He sounds like a total keeper, Cherry. I hope you plan on never letting him go.’
Cherry imagined herself replying to this with: Well, I’ve been thinking about it.
It sounded so ridiculous. And if she did let him go, she knew that, like Kirsty with Joe, she would never be able to erase the memory of him.
Sean Butler was seared into her heart forever.
If she left him, she would feel the tug of the scars every day for the rest of her life.
She was so very nearly there. But there was still a streak of fear sitting in her gut. How did she reconcile with that?
‘Are you staying the night?’ Pam asked again when Cherry returned to her mum’s caravan later that afternoon. ‘I’ll make your favourite for tea.’
‘Sure, but what is that?’ Cherry didn’t even know what her favourite meal was anymore.
‘Macaroni cheese.’
Gosh, she had forgotten about her mum’s macaroni cheese, or mac and cheese as everyone else seemed to call it. ‘Thanks, that would be really nice, Mum. Can you grill the cheese on the top so it’s kind of burnt, but only a wee bit?’
Pam smiled. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’
Cherry rubbed at her wedding ring, getting to be a force of habit now.
She had left Kinshore to find her identity, and around the poker table wasn’t enough.
She’d made peace with her mum and recognised that, to some extent, she had to find her own way forward.
The babies thing might always trigger her.
The only question remaining was where did Sean fit into the future?
It would be rough at times. Could she bring him onto a ship that would potentially weather storms, knowing that there would be beautiful, placid waters too?
Pam came over to her, glanced at Cherry’s hand and lifted it to the light. ‘You know, I never said before, but this is a beautiful wedding ring. He’s spared no expense on you.’
The observation struck Cherry like the sharp glare of the evening sun on the white diamonds.
Sean really had gone all in on her, taken a huge gamble, bigger than most men would have.
Because he wasn’t most men. And she’d done the same for him because she’d been twenty-four-carat certain he was the one.
Still was.
A man she’d do anything for, and who would do anything for her.
‘That ring tells you a lot about the man,’ Pam added. ‘But I told you before he’s the King of Cups. A solid man. Not that you need me to tell you that. You’re the one who’s good at reading people. Tells and all that, if you’re explaining it in poker speak.’
Cherry huffed out a laugh that was nearly a sob.
‘Aye, Mum, tells.’ Jesus, was there ever more truth spoken by her mother?
The tells were there, plain as day, every time she looked at Sean.
Sure, marrying him was a reckless gut decision, and logic had been whispering to her ever since.
But if she thought Sean played their marriage based on gut, she’d underestimated him.
Repeatedly, he’d shown that his choices carried thought, weight and love.
She needed to accept that he could make decisions about his own future; he knew there would be rough and smooth. It was vital she learned to trust him.
Otherwise, she might live with the regret of losing him, forever.
The decision was made, and the weight off her shoulders at that was immense. She would call him and speak to him this evening.
‘Shall I help you with tea, Mum? Peel the potatoes or something?’
‘Thanks. That would be great, love.’
Cherry was reaching for the peeler when, on the table, her phone vibrated. For a moment, she stared at the screen in puzzlement. Summer’s name lit up the screen.
Why would Summer be calling?
It could only be something to do with Sean.
Oh fuck.
‘Are you okay, love?’ Her mum’s voice filtered through from what sounded like miles away.
‘Yeah… It’s a friend from Kinshore, and it’s weird that she would call me.’ Cherry stared blankly at the handset.
‘Answer it.’ Pam lifted the phone and held it out to her daughter.
Cherry took it and fumbled her finger to the green button whilst attempting to smile at her mum.
‘Thanks.’
But when Summer’s voice came through the line with the news from Kinshore, Cherry’s smile plummeted through the caravan floor.