Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
If I’d felt I was starting to settle into life at Stonemore, the following morning corrected that opinion. It started with Tally complaining that Jamie wasn’t being communicative. She had been muttering for some time and I’d sadly forgotten my headphones to block out her tuts.
‘The earl won’t get back to me about the painting conservation,’ she muttered eventually, some sense resolving out of her murmurings. ‘And he’s giving me one-word replies about other things.’
‘We have to be careful with that conservation budget,’ said Fi, who was in the middle of attempting to edit the website. ‘We might need to divert some money away to essential maintenance. And I think Jamie wanted a quiet day – he has lots to consider before the financial year-end.’
Another half hour, and Tally started again.
‘I bet it’s your fault, Anna,’ she said sulkily. ‘You’ve said something to upset him.’
‘Come on, Tally,’ said Fi.
‘You think I said something upsetting about wildflowers?’ I carried on typing, my eyes not leaving the screen. But I had to stifle a sigh. A here we go again feeling rose up in me.
‘I hear you got a lot of people’s backs up at the WI meeting,’ she said, narrowing her eyes.
I took a breath, trying to ignore the dagger-like sensation in my stomach. ‘I thought we were playing nice. And I don’t think I got anyone’s back up.’
‘Stonemore is a delicate ecosystem, Anna,’ she said, as though speaking to a small child.
‘I’m not sure you’re the right person to be talking about ecosystems,’ I said.
‘I mean socially.’ She twirled her pen in her hands. ‘Also. Callum . A little birdie told me you’re getting a bit too friendly.’
I looked up sharply.
‘Not me,’ said Fi, hands in the air.
I stared at the geometric pattern on the antique carpet. Took a breath. Yes, this was definitely a stately home, the air infused with the slight smell of drains. ‘Just save it, Tally,’ I said. ‘You’re not the only person who can lose their temper.’
‘Anna, threats are not professional.’
‘Neither is repeating village gossip, but I notice that’s not stopping you.’
Primly, she reapplied her scarlet lipstick. ‘I’m just trying to help,’ she said, completely recovered now she had riled me.
I got up from my desk and threw my jacket on. ‘Try harder,’ I snapped. ‘And while you’re at it, if you could stop talking to me like I’m a piece of dirt on your shoe, I’d appreciate it.’ I walked out and slammed the door.
Once I’d found a space on the carriage drive that wasn’t directly viewable from the office, I paced backwards and forwards to get some of my nervous tension out. I hated, really hated, arguing with people. In the past I’d been so conflict-avoidant it had worked against me. But having my heart broken seemed to be shifting something in me; it had been weirdly easy to bite back at Tally. Maybe, I thought, it was easier to be nasty because I now had an immense reservoir of anger and bitterness to draw upon.
Great.
As I breathed the clean air, I started to feel better, even if the knot remained in my stomach. And as I stood there, watching a family take a picture of the exterior of Stonemore, I noticed it was lighter than it had been at the same time yesterday. The prevailing colour of the sky was still grey, but there was a very slight softening of the air.
The family finished taking pictures and glanced at me, smilingly curious as they passed. I smiled in return. At least I looked the part in my country outfit: cable knit sweater, jeans, boots, waxed jacket. Today I’d managed to brush my hair, spray on some perfume (a lovely one, which claimed to contain ‘essence of jasmine’) and (hooray!) apply lipstick. Who knows, I thought, tomorrow I might actually reapply it at some point during the day. Goals, Anna, goals. I’d drawn the word in swirly writing in my journal, having started a fresh page that week, and I’d be adding to it this evening.
GOALS:
Lipstick every day .
Learn to say no without going OTT and being mean .
Breathe through thoughts of inferiority .
When I caught sight of Jamie, striding out of the house and across the drive towards the deer park, Hugo alongside him, I made a split-second decision to build bridges.
‘Afternoon!’ I called to him. He heard me – I swear he heard me. But he didn’t acknowledge me. When Hugo turned his head, Jamie twitched his lead and carried on.
‘Jamie!’ I called. When he ignored me again, I thought oh come on . Then I’m not having that . Even though another, perfectly sensible, voice was in my head telling me to leave it, I found myself sprinting towards his retreating back.
He didn’t turn. Not until I put my hand on his shoulder. He flinched, turned, and the look of irritation on his face made me step back.
‘Anna,’ he said. ‘What do you want?’
I froze as I looked into his face. Why did he look so angry?
‘Sorry for disturbing you,’ I said. I felt small, reduced. All that toughness I’d been nurturing? Gone in an instant. I looked down at Hugo, instinctively going to stroke him, but Jamie kept the little dog on a short lead.
‘If it’s to do with work, feed everything through Callum,’ he said sharply.
‘It wasn’t to do with work,’ I said. ‘I just wanted to say hello, you know, be polite. Say thank you for coming along last night.’
‘Really?’ The frown was sardonic as well as hurtful. ‘Seemed to me like you couldn’t have cared less whether I was there or not. And I didn’t hear anything new – wildflower meadows. More of the same. I guess I’ll have to wait for some of your original thinking. Tick tock.’
I felt something snap in me. ‘Why do you have to be so rude ?’ I cried. ‘They asked me to talk about wildflowers. Do you think they care about land management, or drainage, or reintroducing species into the landscape? You might, but they don’t. And I could talk to you about all of that, but you don’t even want to speak to me!’
He was staring at me, lips parted, but his expression was impenetrable.
‘Forget it,’ I said. I was already walking away when I heard him call my name.
Technically, he’s still my boss , I thought. Technically, I’m on his time . I stopped and turned around.
‘Hang on,’ he said, striding towards me, Hugo trotting alongside him.
‘It’s fine, let’s just leave it.’
‘Okay, okay.’ He passed a hand over his brow. ‘We’ve got off on the wrong foot, Anna.’
‘Do you think?’ I cried.
‘I guess Callum’s had the conversation about the reporting line?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Understood. Just—’
‘What?’ he said quickly.
‘I don’t know how we’ve got off on the wrong foot,’ I said. ‘I didn’t intend to annoy you, or make you not like me.’ It sounded so pathetic as it came out of my mouth. But I was honestly perplexed. I’d been ruder to this man in the space of a few days than I ever had to any other colleagues, put together. Was it my fault? Was he really as grumpy and pig-ignorant as I thought? No one else seemed to dislike him as much as I did. Maybe the whole upper-class thing really was skewing my judgement. Plus, I was second-guessing myself. Everything that had happened in London made me question everything that had happened since – I doubted my instincts.
‘Hey.’
I looked up. He was staring at me, steadily. My breath caught as our eyes met.
‘I don’t dislike you,’ he said. The words were said with effort. ‘I rub people up the wrong way sometimes. It’s just the way I’m made. That’s why it’s better you work with Callum.’ He smiled tightly. ‘It’s obvious you get on better with him.’
I stared at him, nonplussed, feeling heat rising in my cheeks. There was so much energy in his gaze. The truth was, his eyes were hypnotic. Especially when he was glaring at me with such intensity.
‘Right… You know,’ I said, trying to keep the mood light, ‘my mum always said, you can’t put a hot pan on a cold stove. That’s probably why we don’t get on.’
‘I’m sorry, what?’
I looked him in the eyes. His super-intense blue eyes. ‘We’re from very different backgrounds,’ I said. ‘I’m working class, and pretty proud of it, to be honest.’
‘And you think I’m what? Super-privileged?’
‘I think you’re from an entirely different world,’ I said carefully. ‘A world I haven’t really experienced. We come at things from completely different perspectives.’ Plus, you’re a bit of a dick , I thought. A thought that probably relayed itself to my face.
‘I see.’ His expression was shuttered. ‘I’ll let you go then. Feed everything through Callum, and I’m sure we’ll get on like a house on fire.’ But it didn’t look as though he was going anywhere, and he was staring at me in a way that made it hard for me to tear my eyes away, mixing annoyance with other feelings that I couldn’t quite identify. I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. ‘I—’
And, cut, as Hugo started barking.
My whole body felt full of adrenaline. What was going on ?
Jamie sighed as though he was releasing a whole lungful of breath. ‘Excuse me. He wants his second breakfast.’
I choked back a laugh. ‘Is he a hobbit?’ I looked down at Hugo’s enormous eyes.
‘He gets very hungry. It’s a beagle thing.’ He stared at Hugo for a moment, his face softening a little. Then he seemed to steel himself, and turned away, taking the little dog with him. ‘See you, Anna.’ He threw the words over his shoulder as he strode away, without even a glance behind.
‘Bye, then,’ I managed. I turned and stalked back to the house.
As I sat back down at my desk, I couldn’t shake my feeling of unease. We both wanted the same thing, didn’t we? A better future for Stonemore. So why on earth was it impossible to have a civil conversation?
I got home from work at just past five, when it felt exactly like midnight. The afternoon had passed calmly enough on the surface. Tally had even made me a cup of tea and given me one of her cereal bars as a peace offering. But there was a sour feeling in the pit of my stomach. Had I made a mistake, coming here? I’d been feeling warm and fuzzy about Stonemore as my escape hatch, but some of that pleasure had curdled. If Tally was right, a bunch of people at the WI had hated me, and my boss seemed to be disliking me more each day. Was this really the right place to recover from the past?
I opened the fridge door. One red pepper stared out at me, a faint air of apology about its shrivelled appearance, reminding me I hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping. I slammed the fridge shut. Toast for dinner, then. I’d got way too used to the London habit of ordering takeaway in, and I was suffering for it now.
I had more than one Achilles heel, it seemed. I really didn’t like it when people disliked me. I knew I had to kiss goodbye to my people-pleasing past, and I knew I had to grow a thick skin, but it was still difficult to know there was a bunch of people who disliked me just for being myself. But this wasn’t time to cave – I was not going back to yes-to-everything Anna.
I opened the bread bin and took a breath before inspecting the contents.
Plink. My phone trembled on the counter. I closed the bread bin and picked it up.
Hey. Are you busy?
It was Fi. I smiled at the idea of being busy.
Nooooo . I offered a prayer up that she was going to invite me to hers for a relaxed evening by the fire.
Good. Jamie came by the office to invite everyone up to the flat for a drink, but you’d gone. Everyone’s here and we’re going to have something to eat. Please come .
I stared at the screen. She could see the blue ticks. She could see I wasn’t answering, but the truth was I didn’t know what to say. Fi was typing.
Jamie says please come .
She carried on typing.
Give him a chance, love. Give Stonemore a chance. You can’t say no to everything .
I snorted. I think you’ll find I can , I typed and sent. She answered with an eye roll emoji, then:
Have you eaten?
I took a breath, and typed.
No .
Are you hungry?
I walked around my little kitchen. Yes, I was hungry. No, I did not want to go back into the lion’s den. I still felt angry, obscurely wounded, and was in no mood to be polite to Jamie. My phone trembled.
Please come. We all want you here. Xxxxxx
I felt something shift in me. I stared at my journal, left on the kitchen counter. I opened it at the latest page, at the word GOALS, written in such hope. One of the bullet points I’d noted under it: Do not be inflexible. Be open to every possibility .
Picked up my phone.
Alright then .
And pressed Send.
Fifteen minutes later, Jamie’s Land Rover was waiting at the end of the garden path. I swore under my breath as I pulled my coat on – I’d assumed Fi would come and get me.
The door swung open as I approached. I decided against trying to be graceful (there was a chance I’d get marooned halfway through an excruciating scrabble-up, like all those bar stools when I first came to London). Instead I enthusiastically hurled myself at the step and landed in the battered front seat with embarrassing momentum.
‘Hello,’ said Jamie. Even in the half darkness of the cab, I could see his face looked different. Marginally less grumpy than usual.
‘Hi.’ I couldn’t bring myself to smile at him and concentrated on closing the door.
‘Thanks for doing this.’ He swung the steering wheel and turned the Land Rover, eyes on the road. ‘I’m…’ he cleared his throat. ‘Sorry. If I’ve been a bit—’
‘It’s okay,’ I mumbled.
He took a breath. ‘Okay.’
Things felt strange – really strange. Until this moment I hadn’t realised how much his anger had wounded me. Sean had never really got angry; on the rare occasion I disagreed with him, he’d always adopted a kind of faraway expression, as though he wasn’t really involved. And I’d been extra careful not to upset people at work. Yes, that Anna had been so agreeable . When Jamie and I had clashed, we’d sparked off each other dangerously. Now, it felt as though we had to be careful with each other.
‘Have you recovered from all the weeding?’ he said.
‘Yes, thank you,’ I said, trying to sound cheerful.
‘Callum says you’re interested in converting some of the estate into scrub.’
‘Yes.’
‘Isn’t that quite controversial?’
I glanced at him warily, but he looked curious rather than grumpy. ‘It can be, but it’s wonderful for insect and bird life. You’re going to have to let the wildness in at some point,’ I said, making an effort to smile so brightly that I probably looked deranged.
‘I suppose I am,’ he said quietly, turning off the road.
The estate felt entirely deserted as Jamie clicked a control to open the gates. The Land Rover scudded down the long drive, glistening with the damp of evening, through the deer park. I spotted the ghostly white shape of a deer as it lifted its head and ran, fleet-footed, towards the trees. Most of the lights in the building were out, including in the staff office; the front doors locked and bolted. Only two windows in the mansion glowed with light on the upper floor: Jamie’s flat.
He parked on the carriage drive and we went in through an unobtrusive side door I’d never noticed before, through a back corridor with green peeling paint. Eventually I began to recognise the stairs and corridors. As we entered the flat, Hugo greeted us with a flurry of barks and jumped up to sniff my face and stare at me. As his pup-eyes fastened on me, I felt something unlock in me. I had to blink away tears at the tenderness I felt.
‘Anna!’ Fi came to greet me, arms open. I accepted her hug gratefully. ‘Come on.’ I could hear the sound of conversation in the main room. I put my arm in hers and we went in.
Richard, Tally and Callum were in the middle of an intensely competitive game of Scrabble. ‘I just don’t think it’s a proper word,’ Tally was insisting. She was holding an enormous glass of something pink with an umbrella in it.
‘Look it up, Tallulah,’ cried Callum. It was the most animated I’d seen him. ‘A liger is an offspring of a lion and a tiger.’
‘Wine?’ Jamie had appeared at my side.
‘White, please.’
Just for once, he didn’t say anything snarky and returned quickly with a cold, full glass. ‘Dinner’s coming up soon.’
‘Great,’ I said, hoping my stomach didn’t produce an audible swamp-creature sound.
He disappeared off to his tiny kitchen.
I caught Fi’s eye. ‘You see,’ she murmured. ‘He’s nice.’
I shrugged. ‘For once.’ I gave her a rueful smile then took a big swig of wine and sat down on the floor next to Fi, enjoying watching the rest of them bicker with each other. Jamie brought out plates of baked potatoes and salad and we all ate, cross-legged on the floor, collectively playing the game. I saw all of them in a new light: Callum seemed animated, occasionally catching my eye and smiling; at one point, Tally laughed so much at a joke that she smudged her eyeliner with tears of laughter; Fi rested her head on Richard’s shoulder and seemed more relaxed than I’d seen her for weeks. Hugo picked his way through the group, picking up titbits and strokes. There was a sense of camaraderie in the room, which was the complete opposite from how I’d felt just a couple of hours before. Once I even looked up and saw Jamie’s gaze resting on me, in a dazed but not unfriendly way. He raised his glass to me and I did the same in return.
Callum was just setting up an oversized game of Jenga that Jamie had found in a cupboard when there was a knock at the door and Lucinda’s head popped round.
‘Hullo!’ she piped. ‘I was just exercising Jessamy and I heard you all laughing. Mind if I join?’ She was still dressed in jodhpurs and a pristine tweed coat. There wasn’t a speck of dirt on her.
‘She looks like a princess,’ I whispered to Fi as Jamie took Lucinda’s jacket and got her glass of wine.
‘She’ll have been home and got changed,’ said Fi, sipping her elderflower cordial with a knowing glance. ‘Her mother will have dropped her off at the gate.’
Lucinda waited until Jamie sat down next to the Jenga, then joined him, draping her arm over his broad shoulders. He shifted, slightly uncomfortably, but looked as though he didn’t want to embarrass her by shaking her off. I almost choked into my wine, then started coughing.
‘You okay, Anna, love?’ Callum pounded me on the back.
‘Perfectly fine,’ I said, recovering myself, and making a mental note that he had called me love .
At first we all concentrated on the game. Tally was highly entertaining, squealing every time she pushed a brick out of the structure. But before long, Lucinda began talking, and she introduced a truth or dare element into the conversation. It was a bit like being at school, only it was the cringey element of school, where you somehow let something slip that would be used against you for ever after. I stayed quiet as the conversation ranged over everything from favourite colours to how old you were when you first kissed someone.
‘How about you, Tally?’ Lucinda said, after Tally had removed a brick from the teetering wooden pile, squealing as she did so. ‘Is there anyone special in your life?’
Tally blinked. I suddenly felt protective of her, with her smudged eyeliner and pink drink. Yes, she was spiky, but I’d seen a new side of her: throwing herself into games and laughing at full pelt. There was a twinge of vulnerability in her eye as she answered. ‘No, I see myself more as a career woman.’ I nodded in support. ‘Like Anna,’ she added fiercely.
All eyes swung to me and I hastily revised my new liking for Tally.
‘Really, Anna?’ said Lucinda kindly. ‘Is that how you see yourself?’
I gazed into the depths of my wine glass. ‘I think we’re all multi-faceted human beings,’ I said. ‘But yes, I suppose I am quite focused on my career.’
‘Oh, I don’t buy that,’ said Lucinda. ‘You’re just waiting until someone special comes along. That’s what we all want, isn’t it? A home? A family?’
I saw Fi look sharply down. In the past I would have said something neutral, non-committal. But now, I turned back into the full beam of Lucinda’s gaze.
‘Nope,’ I said.
‘What do you mean?’ Lucinda said.
‘Exactly that. Yes, I’d like a home, but I won’t be having children.’
She gave herself a little shake. ‘Oh, I’m sure you will.’
‘No, I won’t.’
‘You say that now, but—’
‘I mean it.’
‘But—’
‘I can’t have them,’ I blurted out, more violently than I’d intended to.
God, that silence was awful.
Luckily, at that moment the enormous pile of wooden Jenga bricks teetered and collapsed with a roar that sent Hugo barking and running off and Tally squealing anew. All conversation was forgotten as Jamie went after Hugo and the rest of us started to pick up the bricks, Fi yawning audibly and suggesting that we all go home. Callum said he was heading outside for a vape. As he left, I felt a pang. My confession had ruined the fun and I imagined I was looking less ‘flingable’ by the minute.
I busied myself by collecting glasses and plates and ferrying them to the kitchen, where I found Jamie comforting Hugo. The little beagle had attempted to shelter behind one of the kitchen cabinets and Jamie was tempting him out with a piece of chicken.
‘Hey,’ I said, neatly piling the plates.
‘Hey.’ He waved a piece of chicken in front of Hugo. Hugo snatched it and bolted past me into the main room.
I took a breath. ‘You pushed the Jenga over, didn’t you?’ I said. ‘I saw you nudge it.’
He glanced up at me sharply in a way that told me all I needed to know.
‘Thanks for the diversion,’ I said, trying to process that he’d been my unexpected ally.
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ he said, raising an eyebrow, then stood up and tutted. He looked so neat: his hair perfectly in place, his shirt pristine. It took effort to be so controlled. ‘You clearly don’t know how to load a dishwasher properly.’ He wrestled a wineglass out of my hand and I was about to tell him not to start mansplaining when Lucinda bounced through the doorway.
‘Helllooo!’ she said. ‘Jamie, Fi and Richard are heading off, they’re taking Tally. Would you like to go with them, Anna?’ She looked at Jamie, who was rearranging the contents of the dishwasher as though it was a game of Tetris, and leaned against the wall. ‘I can always stay, J.’ She raised her eyes from beneath the thick canopy of her lashes, and bit her lip.
I had never seen someone make such a blatant pass. I fear my mouth may have opened like a goldfish. But Jamie was unperturbed, and nothing crossed his poker face.
‘Actually,’ he said, ‘I’d told Anna I would take her home, to save Fi and Richard an extra leg of the journey.’ I opened my mouth to say it was no distance at all, then shut it at the sight of the look he was giving me. ‘I’m taking Callum anyway. Why don’t you go with Fi, Lucinda? They won’t mind dropping you off.’
‘Sure,’ she adapted smoothly, her smile just as bright as it was before, but a faint tinge of pink in her face.
I watched Jamie as he waved off Lucinda and the others, then we continued fractiously loading the dishwasher whilst we waited for Callum. I’d just slotted a plate into the lower section when I heard Jamie clear his throat, and looked up.
‘I know you must have felt pushed into saying more than you wanted to, earlier,’ he said.
‘Oh,’ I swallowed, hard. Tried to find my breath. ‘That’s okay.’
‘And – I’m sorry. About all of it, you know?’
‘Thank you,’ I flapped my hands, thinking I could accept anything but his pity. ‘It’s fine. You’ve put that bowl in the wrong place.’
‘I think you’ll find it’s the perfect place,’ he said, and smiled when I narrowed my eyes at him.
I slotted a handful of teaspoons into the rack. ‘You know,’ I said, with the unnerving certainty of the slightly tipsy, ‘if my situation has taught me anything, it’s when happiness is there, we need to grasp it.’
‘Right,’ he said, twisting a mug so it sat properly.
‘She seems like excellent countess material to me,’ I said. ‘Just saying.’
Jamie stopped fiddling with the dishwasher and turned a pair of flinty eyes full on my face. Unblinking eyes, full of such energy that his gaze startled me into temporary sobriety.
‘I’m overstepping the line,’ I said. ‘Sozzo, as Tally would say.’
A faint smiled softened his hard features. ‘How do you know what good countess material is?’ he said.
We stared at each other.
‘I don’t,’ I said.
‘You don’t?’ he said softly.
‘I mean…’ Why was I not breathing? I definitely wasn’t breathing. ‘At a guess…’
He held my gaze, not moving, but it was as though the space between us was charged with tension. I saw his lips part, saw him take a breath. ‘Yes, Anna?’
‘Hey, you two.’ Callum crashed into the doorframe, followed by a barking Hugo. ‘Are you running us down the road, Jamie? If you drop us at the end of Anna’s lane, I can walk her home then saunter to mine.’
Jamie stared at the floor for a moment. I tried to catch my breath. ‘That’s quite a walk for you, Cal,’ said Jamie.
‘I need it,’ said Callum, laughing. He pulled me towards him and gave me a squeeze. I was still trying to process what Jamie had meant and made no attempt to resist being enveloped in Callum’s bubblegum-scented atmosphere.
‘Are you okay with that, Anna?’ said Jamie.
‘Absolutely,’ I said, hardly hearing him.
‘Excellent,’ he said, and slammed the dishwasher shut.
Jamie was as good as his word, and dropped us at the end of my lane.
‘Goodnight, thanks so much,’ I said to him.
He glanced at me. ‘Goodnight,’ he said. ‘Be good.’
I was still frowning at this gnomic pronouncement as Callum helped me out. Jamie took off, wheels spinning on gravel, and within moments his Land Rover was a distant roar in the deep silence of the country night.
We walked down to my cottage. The evening had been strange, but not unpleasant, even if I wasn’t quite on top of all the feelings it had brought up. I was relieved I hadn’t put Callum off entirely. The sky was an inky blue black, scattered with stars. It was so beautiful, so romantic. As I stood on the front step of the cottage, looking at Callum, things should have been simple.
Ask him in, Anna. Have a bit of fun, Anna. It’s no big deal . This moment was so textbook it was practically one of the action points in my ‘getting over the past’ journal, although I hadn’t explicitly added have a fling as a bullet point. But I found I was frozen. As Callum stood, faintly smiling at me, I could say nothing.
‘Penny for them?’ he said softly, stroking the side of my neck.
I gave a nervous laugh. ‘Sorry. I’m a bit out of practice.’
He leaned in gently, and brushed my lips with his own. Luckily, I managed not to headbutt him. One kiss, then another, gentle, and kind, and soft, and for a moment I relaxed. But when his tongue gently dipped between my lips I froze again, my chest tightening as though a vice had closed over it.
‘Anna?’ he said, leaning back and looking into my face.
‘Sorry, so sorry,’ I said. ‘I can’t ask you in. Not tonight.’
If he was disappointed, he didn’t show it. ‘Hey, it’s alright! Don’t worry.’ He put his arms around me and I buried my face in his lovely broad chest. He stroked my hair and I felt the urge to weep. Here I was, attempting to have my first one-night stand, to get over Sean, and I was acting like a girl who’d never been kissed, never mind…
‘Look, I’ll see you tomorrow.’ He kissed me on the forehead. Bad, very bad. The forehead, like I was his niece and he’d just picked me up from school.
‘Night,’ I said.
As soon as the door closed behind me, I messaged Rose.
Just had first kiss with bit of yeah .
OMG! Verdict? she replied.
It was fine .
Fine?!
I wasn’t swept away. But that’s OK, isn’t it? Maybe it’s a good thing if we’re just going to have a fling.
Flings are, kind of mechanical, aren’t they? I typed.
Mechanical is not the word I have in mind when I think of a fling , she replied.
Oh dear .
It’s fine. Next time have a couple of drinks and I’m sure you’ll be swept away in no time .
I jabbed at the keyboard. I did have a couple of drinks.
Confused face.
I messaged her goodnight and made myself some toast. I went to the window to eat it, looking out at the hypnotically beautiful sky. Perhaps I was far more broken than I’d realised. It felt easier to be alone. Perhaps saying no should extend into my romantic life, I thought.
‘Goodnight stars,’ I said. ‘Goodnight cottage.’ And after I got into bed, and lay there in silence, I had just the time to think this was enough, perfectly enough, before I fell deeply asleep.