Chapter 21
CHAPTER 21
I sat in my empty cottage. I sat in a daze for an hour after Jamie left, trying not to think about the previous night in all its gorgeous pleasure, or the morning with its sadness. And of course, in spite of my trying, I thought of nothing else, so when I accidentally chipped my mug as I put it down on the counter, I started crying.
I thought my crying days were over.
I didn’t want to journal. I didn’t want to speak to Fi or Rose. I wanted Jamie.
I had a shower and dressed, but there was no way I could muster the energy to put make-up on. And when Gerald the mouse flitted past, I couldn’t even be bothered to throw a shoe at him.
In the end, I crumpled to the floor, and sat there, my back against the sofa. Willing myself to be strong, willing myself not to cry. I dragged my phone from the coffee table and dialled a number.
‘Sorry to bother you, Fi,’ I said, when she answered. ‘Is there any way you can come over? I really need a chat. I’m Snookered.’
Twenty minutes later, she was there, arms wide open, ready to listen.
‘I did think there might be chemistry between you,’ she said quietly, when I’d confided in her. ‘Do you really think there’s no chance of things working out?’ She sat beside me on the sofa, mugs of tea cooling on the coffee table nearby.
I shook my head miserably. ‘No chance at all.’
She took my hand and squeezed it, nodding gently in acceptance of what I’d said. We sat there, in the silence. No need to speak, no need for me to justify anything.
There are moments when only a best friend will do.
Three weeks passed, and somehow I managed to avoid seeing Jamie. September came with all of the heat that summer had denied us. The Stonemore Ball was preceded by dry, bright days – days so bright, and so dry, that it seemed a precursor of a long spell of autumnal drought. Climate change was never far from my mind and I felt a faint dread as the days passed, a worry that all the work we’d put into the estate so far might easily be eroded by Mother Nature.
As the ball date neared, Tally was messaged by Lucinda at all times of the day and night. At any suggestion that Lucinda might appear, I would race to another corner of Stonemore and once, memorably, even hid inside a cupboard. In the final week we all directed decorators and caterers, briefed musicians and prepared attendance lists. It was like the fete all over again.
On the day of the ball, after we’d completed our final preparations, I went back to my desk to watch Forestcam and promptly fell asleep in my chair. I was woken up by Tobias an hour later, already in his Tom Ford suit, perfectly coiffured and smelling delicious. I trudged home rather more slowly than I should have done, and considered staying there – but I had to do this. I booked a taxi, then unzipped a clothes holder and dragged out a black cocktail dress that I’d bought not long before leaving London. After months in jeans, I was pleasantly surprised at how chic it looked: with a high halter neck that exposed my shoulders (I offered a quick thank you to the heavens for the manual work I’d been doing), the black chiffon skimmed my figure, ending in a subtle ruffle at midi length. I put on a pair of emerald-green high heels, which felt slightly like being on stilts after walking around in trainers and boots for so long. Then I made my way gingerly out of the front door to the taxi.
As I stepped into the portico of Stonemore, I could hear the noise of gathered guests and glasses clinking as I murmured my name to the lone security guard on the door, ignoring the buzz of the fourth where the hell are you text from Fi. Hopping up and down on a single leg on the doormat, I took off one of my high heels and emptied out a small collection of gravel that had found its way in as I clattered across the drive.
In the next room, a harp began to play, zooming up and down the scales. Its trilling brilliance reminded me of fairytales, glass slippers, romance. All the things I had to wean myself off.
‘There you are!’ Fi appeared, draped in blue glittery fabric. ‘Come on !’ She squeezed my shoulder. ‘Lucinda’s about to make her entrance. And you look gorgeous, by the way.’
‘You’re a very kind best friend,’ I said. We traipsed into the hall, and I grabbed a glass of champagne from a tray proffered by a waiter, keeping my head down. It was always a magnificent room but tonight its scale felt even more extraordinary; the lightwell flooded the stone and marble interior with soft evening light, and the polished wooden side tables were set with huge, flamboyant flower displays in blue and white vases, filling the room with scent.
The harpists, plural , were for Lucinda; they’d been one of her ‘non-negotiables’. They were flying through some kind of dramatic classical piece. Still, people carried on talking. Then I heard an enormous gong from the far corner.
‘It’s Tobias,’ Fi said under her breath. ‘She made him hit the dinner gong. I haven’t heard that in years.’
It was enough to still the crowd for a couple of seconds. And in that moment Lucinda swept into view on the top landing, between a set of pillars. At the side, I glimpsed Tally, who was desperately fiddling with the long train of the dress before diving out of sight. The gong sounded again, gathering the attention of anyone who hadn’t heard the first one. Then I saw an annoyed-looking Tobias winding his way through the guests, landing between me and Fi. ‘ Embarrassing ,’ he hissed to us. ‘I’m asking for a bonus for doing that.’
‘Consider it done,’ murmured Fi, sipping her elderflower cordial.
‘Babe,’ Tobias nudged me and whispered. ‘What’s this?’ He made a twinkling gesture with his hands in my direction. ‘You look as hot as .’
I was spared from attempting to accept the compliment when Lucinda paused on the top stair and tipped up her chin. Everyone looked up at her.
Her dress revealed her creamy shoulders, then was tightly bodiced before it fell away in a dramatic sweep to the floor and beyond. Yes, she had a train. Behind her, on the landing, was the portrait she had taken the idea from: Lady Georgina, a member of the MacRae clan, who had married into the family. Only the ancestor wore a black dress with a tartan sash, whereas Lucinda’s dress was entirely tartan.
‘Shortbread,’ breathed Tobias.
He was right. She looked like a biscuit tin. A dazzlingly beautiful biscuit tin. She looked prettier than I’d ever seen her: her hair in glossy, loose curls that bounced as she moved, her face subtly made up and slightly flushed.
‘I swear to God she was in hair and make-up for three hours,’ said Tobias.
‘And it was worth it,’ I said. He caught my eye and nodded.
Lucinda had paused halfway down. She straightened her gown, and took a deep breath.
‘Good evening, everyone,’ she said. ‘Please allow me to welcome you to the Stonemore Ball.’
Reflexively, I looked down at my feet. This was all too much. ‘The earl and I,’ she continued, and I felt Tobias nudge me in the ribs, ‘are delighted to see all of you. I now call upon the earl to raise the toast.’
I heard people shifting behind me, and felt Jamie pass me. I got a brief hit of his aftershave and fought the urge to flinch with the pain I felt. I was aware of him climbing the stairs and taking his place alongside Lucinda. I couldn’t look.
‘Good evening,’ said Jamie. I thought I heard the note of tension in his voice, but when I looked up he was smiling. My stomach fell two storeys. God, he looked amazing: dressed in black tie, white shirt pristine, tie as neat as if he’d measured it, the whole thing perfectly fitted to show the broadness of his shoulders, and the athleticism of the body I now knew all too well. I was so used to seeing him in work gear; this was a whole new dimension that would definitely be haunting my dreams. I looked back down at my drink and fought the desire to down it in one.
‘As Lucinda said, we are grateful for your presence here this evening.’ I felt Fi’s hand on my back, a slight, familiar touch of comfort. She knew I would be finding this difficult.
‘We’d like to open the ball with a country dance.’ I didn’t look up; I couldn’t bear to think of him exchanging glances with Lucinda. ‘Please do join us, it’s easy enough to follow.’
I lasted one minute at the edge of the room. Long enough to see Fi and Richard take their places, laughing; long enough to wave at Keith and Mica as they made their way to the centre of the room; long enough to see Lucinda loop her train over her arm and settle into Jamie’s arms. They began to dance together, both of them smiling, each step seamless. Jamie looked like an entirely different person to the tortured man who had stood in my cottage. It appeared that they had perfect chemistry. And I had brought them together. Yay me.
I looked around the room, full of smiling people dancing, drinking and having conversations. It was perfectly easy to slip away.
Outside, it was a cool but still evening, the sky darkening to a deep sapphire blue. Lines of cars were parked neatly on the grass beyond the carriage drive. I took some deep breaths, and tried to ground myself. I was alone. And it was fine, totally fine. I had no obligations to anyone; I also couldn’t hurt or disappoint them. This is what I told myself as I stood there, drawing in deep breath after deep breath.
I don’t know how long I stood there, breathing in the cool evening air. But it was crunching on the gravel that alerted me. I turned to see Jamie, with Hugo on a lead.
‘I thought you were dancing,’ I said.
‘I was, but then I went up to see him. He gets stressed on his own. Did I tell you Lucinda tried to put a bow tie on him?’ Hugo studiously followed a scent trail on the gravel.
I shook my head, unable to find words for once.
‘Don’t you want to dance?’ he said.
I shook my head again. ‘Don’t really want to be here at all, to be honest.’
‘In that case, couldn’t you have turned up in a sack or something, rather than looking so fucking amazing?’
My eyes locked onto his. There was a hardness to his gaze that in the past I would have seen as coldness. But now I knew. He was struggling to hold his emotions in.
‘I could say the same to you.’ My hands had turned to fists and were gripping my dress, so intensely was I trying not to reach out and touch him. When I caught sight of his own hands, doing the same, my gaze met his with a force that should have been too much for two people to bear.
He swore under his breath. ‘I need to tell you something.’ He came a step closer. ‘But, Anna,’ the way his voice caught on my name almost undid me, ‘just say one word, and—’
‘Jamie!’
We both looked back. It was Lucinda, holding up her tartan gown in handfuls as she negotiated the gravel. ‘They’re playing a waltz – the one we practised. Come on !’ There was a definite edge to her voice.
I heard a small sigh escape him.
‘You’d better go,’ I said. ‘Do you want me to take him?’
He handed me the lead. ‘I’ll be five minutes.’
While Jamie and Lucinda waltzed away inside, Hugo and I wandered around the carriage drive, the distant music drifting out to us. The little hound seemed happy, his nose glued to the ground, his tail swaying.
When I heard footsteps on the gravel I was expecting Jamie, but turned to see Fi, a wrap around her shoulders. She smiled at me but I could see hesitation on her face.
‘It’s like Piccadilly Circus around here,’ I said.
She looked around the empty drive. ‘Er, right. You really have forgotten what London is like.’
‘I’m a fully converted countrywoman,’ I said. ‘What’s up?’
She folded her arms. ‘I need to tell you something.’
‘Jamie just said the same thing.’
‘I guess he would.’ She glanced over her shoulder. ‘Look, they’re announcing their engagement tonight.’
NO . There was a rushing in my ears. I dropped Hugo’s lead, then quickly stooped to pick it up again before he cannoned off. ‘How do you know?’
‘Lucinda told Tally, and Tally told Tobias. He was sworn to secrecy but he’s just had his fourth glass of champagne and would probably tell me his pin number if I asked.’
‘Jamie asked her?’
She looked doubtful. ‘Not exactly. Apparently they had a discussion yesterday, and came to a mutual decision.’
‘How romantic,’ I said tightly. I was glad I hadn’t eaten anything because I definitely felt sick. And hot, like I was coming down with something. ‘I have to go,’ I said. ‘Tell Jamie I had to take a phone call or something.’ I pressed Hugo’s lead into her hands.
‘Anna?’ She put her hand on my arm. ‘I know it’s quick. And to be honest, I don’t think Jamie’s making the best decisions at the moment. But you wanted him to be free, didn’t you?’ She saw the look on my face, and put an arm around my shoulders. ‘Oh love. It’s okay.’
I shook my head. ‘No, it’s not. But it will be. I just need some space. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
I strode off across the carriage drive, headed down the quiet drive through the deer park. Put one wobbly foot in front of the other, again and again. I needed movement; I needed to shake off this feeling. Once out of sight, I took my high heels off and started running.
By the time I got home, my lungs felt scoured, as though I’d reached parts of them I hadn’t exercised in years, and my feet were sore from the uneven, gravelly ground of the lane. Two words had pounded around my head as I ran. My fault . I had no right to get upset. I’d told him to marry her.
But he looked so unhappy.
And I felt so unhappy. And he was mine. He was bloody mine.
Just say one word , he’d said. Was he asking me to stop him?
I changed into tracksuit bottoms and a jumper, wiping the mascara trails from my face and ignoring the hon, where’s you? texts from Tobias, who had, he informed me, moved onto the punch. I climbed into bed and burrowed into my fluffy white duvet, a steaming mug of tea on the bedside table beside me.
I wasn’t sure I could bear to be around Lucinda if she was planning her wedding to Jamie. Although, maybe she’d be busy brushing up on her honorifics. Practising her signature. Commissioning a sculpture of herself. I tried to laugh, but couldn’t.
My phone buzzed. From Fi. Announcement made, toast drunk.
I sent her a face-covered emoji and took a sip of tea, all the time choking back tears. It was very simple. I needed to leave Stonemore. Not immediately. I’d wait and see if we were shortlisted for the award. Document the rewilding plan fully, ready for the next manager.
I opened the calendar on my phone and created an entry on today’s date: ‘T-14’.
Fourteen days to resignation.