Wild About You

Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22

I came into the office the next morning to find Tally sitting at her desk, strangely quiet. I’d imagined she’d be cock-a-hoop that the ball she’d played such a central part in arranging had resulted in a dynastically significant engagement. But instead of establishing a new mood board for the wedding, or ordering commemorative mugs with Lucinda and Jamie’s faces on them, she was softly tapping away on her keyboard with a pensive look on her face, pale and dressed down in jeans and a navy sweatshirt.

‘Tobias’s flatmate just called, he’s going to be late,’ she said, when Fi and I came into the office, having met by accident on the drive.

‘I bet he is,’ said Fi, switching her computer on and plumping up her chair cushion. ‘When I drove him home, he said he was so drunk he couldn’t see. I guess I’m on my own with the email enquiries this morning.’ Fi received a wide range of enquiries, from lost property to whether the estate could be used for filming. ‘Oooh good, there’s only forty-three new messages this morning.’

We smiled at each other, but Tally didn’t look up. Her glum silence infused the air.

‘Are you alright, Tal?’ I said, as Fi started typing. ‘Lucinda must be thrilled. I hope she thanked you for all your hard work.’

Tally looked into her tea mug. ‘No, she didn’t,’ she said quietly. ‘She actually told me she didn’t like the ring. I know I’m responsible for the art collection, including the jewellery, but I can hardly be faulted for that. Jamie asked for that ring. It was his aunt’s. A square emerald, perfectly pretty. He didn’t want to use his mother’s, even though I had it polished and repaired.’

In my peripheral vision I saw Fi look up sharply from her computer screen.

‘I’d assumed I would be helping to arrange the wedding,’ Tally said. ‘But she said she wanted a professional to do it.’

‘Maybe she was a bit overwhelmed,’ I said soothingly. ‘Would you like another cup of tea?’

‘Yes please.’ She pushed her mug towards me. As she refocused on her computer screen, a sad frown settled on her brow.

She was out of the room when Fi returned from her morning meeting with Jamie. ‘Something weird is going on,’ she said. ‘He’s being so low key about it all. He didn’t even want me to put an announcement in The Times .’

I choked on my coffee. ‘Is that what posh people do?’

‘Mm.’ She sat down at her desk, looking worried. ‘And the ring. I remember Roshni saying about it, ages ago. Jamie’s mother had a diamond ring that was definitely going to be the engagement ring for whoever he marries. He’s deeply attached to it. Why would he change his mind?’

‘Maybe it’s just as Tally said,’ I muttered, highlighting a heading on my document and clicking bold. ‘Either way, it’s none of my business.’ I saw her watching me as I carried on working, but I didn’t care. I’d spent a sleepless night thinking about it. Trying not to remember him touching me. Trying to imagine a world in which he belonged to someone else. My jealousy was so piercing it was as though someone had rammed a stiletto into my heart. It was time for me to grow up, and whatever happened next, it was nothing to do with me.

We didn’t have to worry about Tally’s weirdness for long, because that afternoon, normal service was resumed, and she drifted through the office with a clipboard and earnest expression, saying she was going to supervise the movement of a painting.

‘Could she wear more perfume?’ groaned Tobias as he came in and put his satchel on his desk, moving very carefully. ‘It’s like she’s in the room. And I’m dead.’

‘That’s a long hangover,’ I said. ‘What did you drink?’

‘Everything,’ he said. ‘Last thing was a whisky mac. I think it was my fifteenth grown-up drink of the night.’

‘Ah, to be young,’ said Fi.

‘And how are you feeling?’ I said to her. ‘Did bubba mind going to the party?’

‘Not at all,’ she said, grinning. ‘I’ve never felt better in my life. Whatever the baby is doing to my hormones, I hope it continues.’ She was looking ridiculously bouncy.

‘Tobias.’ It was Lucinda, and she was sweeping in as though she was still wearing a ballgown. There were no jodhpurs in sight. She was wearing a knee-length cotton tea dress and had her hair in a chignon. She still looked stunning but the whole get-up added approximately ten years to her age, partly because she’d also lost the sunny smile that had previously been a permanent fixture. ‘I’ve been speaking to my mother.’

‘Oh, Clarissa?’ said Tobias, doing a full turn on his desk chair. ‘We chatted at the party. She was marvellous.’

‘Yes, well,’ said Lucinda, looking distinctly peeved, ‘she said you weren’t acting entirely appropriately, I’m sorry to say. Please remember, when you’re in public you are essentially an ambassador for the Stonemore Estate.’

Tobias seemed incapacitated. He put a new chewing gum in his mouth.

‘Lucinda,’ said Fi gently. ‘I line-manage Tobias. Please do leave this with me. There isn’t any need for you to be concerned with staffing matters.’

‘Fiona, I intend to be fully involved,’ said Lucinda. ‘And please do deal with this. There will be other events in future, and I don’t want to have to speak to Jamie about this.’

I saw uncertainty cross Fi’s face and it flipped a switch in me.

‘I think you should speak to him, Lucinda,’ I said.

Lucinda switched her gaze to me. ‘I beg your pardon?’ she said.

‘I think you should speak to him. The truth is, none of us work for you. We work for the Earl of Roxdale. That’s what it says on my employment contract, which means anything we do is precisely nothing to do with you.’

‘Anna, it’s okay,’ I heard Fi murmur, but there was no stopping me now.

‘I suggest you go to Jamie right now and tell him about this conversation. Run it up the flagpole. See what he says. I think it might be quite illuminating for him to know how you’ve been bossing his staff around. Tally hasn’t stopped running after you for the last three months, not that you’ve even bothered to thank her. She’s here to look after the art, not you.’

She looked unimpressed. ‘I think you’ll find Jamie wouldn’t be worried by me taking an interest in the way things are run.’

‘And I think you’ll find no one here is going to be bullied by you. Not Tally, not Tobias, not Fiona, and not me.’

Lucinda held my gaze for approximately three seconds then flounced out.

‘That might be the best thing I’ve ever seen,’ said Tobias.

I sat down, feeling suddenly drained. ‘Well, I wouldn’t try to emulate it. It’s not the smartest move.’

Fi crossed the office and gave me a hug. ‘I think you were very brave.’

Tobias carefully removed a croissant the size of his head from his satchel and bit into it. ‘When the temping agency rang me and told me about this gig, I thought it would be dull, but I love it.’

‘No need to mention the temping agency. I told you, you’re staying here forever,’ said Fi, stapling a handout together. ‘Once you’ve finished that croissant, you’re coming with me to do a volunteer briefing.’

‘Will Beryl be there?’ said Tobias. ‘I really like Beryl. We danced at the ball.’

‘Beryl is the local MP’s wife, Tobias,’ said Fi gently. ‘Not one of our volunteers. So she won’t be there.’

‘Moving in exalted circles already, T,’ I said, smiling at him. ‘You little social climber. Maybe you’ve learned more from Lucinda than you have from us.’

I left the room as Tobias threw a pack of Post-it notes at my head.

I wasn’t over my conversation with Lucinda. As I went into the cold bathroom, I gripped the sink and looked at my white knuckles. The annoyance was coursing through me and it wasn’t dying down: a heart-scouring amalgam of sadness, jealousy and anger. There would be more days like these, I knew.

I thought of what it had taken to get me here; the change I had wanted to make in my life. I thought of the view from my kitchen window: the mist lying low on the ground, the sun low and bright, lighting up the windows of the cottage, the pinkish orange light picking out every detail of every tree and plant. I had come to Stonemore to find that serenity, that calmness. I thought of the photograph of me and Fi, as teenagers. I’d printed a copy and kept it inside the cover of my journal. I thought of our shining faces; the hope in my eyes.

I didn’t want this level of anger and frustration. I was free in life, and wasn’t life a game? I didn’t have to stick if I wanted to twist.

I looked at myself in the mirror and wiped a stray spot of mascara from below my eye, doubled up the soft woollen scarf around my neck, and met my own gaze, standing tall.

It was time to twist.

I thought about messaging, making an appointment, but my blood was up. So I marched the now-familiar route up to Jamie’s flat. As I passed through the back corridors, my fingers trailing along the walls with their peeling green paint, I heard the distant sound of Fi’s voice as she addressed the volunteers.

The moment I rapped sharply on the door, I heard Hugo’s volley of barks and I smiled, it was so bittersweet. It was his ‘big dog’ bark, incorporating a slight growl, just in case there was someone scary at the door.

Luckily I’d managed to put the smile away by the time the door opened. I saw the look of surprise on Jamie’s face, but it lasted milliseconds before he read the expression on my face and steeled himself. That was fine – I could be steely too. In fact, I felt like pure steel at that moment.

‘Can I speak to you?’ I said. ‘It won’t take long. It’s about work.’

‘I didn’t doubt it,’ he said flatly. His hand on Hugo’s collar, he opened the door wide and let me past.

In the morning light, the flat looked more dishevelled than I remembered. There were piles of books and papers on the dining table, a couple of wine glasses left unwashed from the night before, and Hugo set about shaking a piece of newspaper in his jaws. ‘He’s been in the recycling,’ said Jamie.

That wasn’t quite like the Hugo I knew. The faint scent of Lucinda’s perfume hung in the stuffy air. I found myself tipping my head to try and see into the kitchen.

‘My intended has gone to visit her mother,’ said Jamie, a shade of sarcasm in his voice.

He gestured towards the dining table but I shook my head. ‘This won’t take long.’

‘Okay,’ he said. He folded his arms, and glanced out of the window at the first tranche of arriving visitors.

‘I’m leaving,’ I said.

His gaze snapped back to me. ‘I’m sorry?’

I shrugged; there really wasn’t much more to say. ‘I’m giving my notice. Today.’

His lips had parted in shock. I made a mental note not to look at his lips and fixed my gaze two inches above his head instead.

‘Where’s your resignation letter?’ he said.

‘Oh.’ I looked around as though it might appear magically from somewhere. ‘I’ll get it to you today.’

‘So you didn’t plan this? It’s spur of the moment?’ he said.

I frowned in irritation. ‘No.’

‘You’re one of the most organised people I know,’ he said. ‘If you were serious about this you wouldn’t have come without a nice, neat letter, perfectly phrased, naming your date of departure.’

I didn’t quite like the way he was saying this – the note of bitterness in his voice. I tried to breathe steadily and to ignore the pounding of my heart.

‘I’m perfectly serious,’ I said, only the slightest tremor in my voice.

He was shaking his head. ‘Why?’

I blinked at him. ‘I’ve established things here. Time for a new challenge.’

He practically growled. ‘Absolute rubbish. You’ve written a plan. You’ve been here – what? – nine months? And now you’re going to leave us in the lurch. This will set the project back years.’

I managed a shrill laugh. ‘Wow – emotional blackmail, that’s great. I really should have stuck with the corporate world.’

I saw the brief twist in his expression. I’d hurt him. It was only there for a second though – the steel was back in a moment. ‘You really should,’ he said.

Ouch .

‘I’ll have the letter with you by the end of the day,’ I snapped.

As I turned, something made me stop. A brief, high-pitched whine. It came again. It was Hugo. He was on the floor, under the coffee table. I’d never heard him make that noise before.

‘God.’ Jamie had his hands on his head. ‘He can’t stand shouting – or when people get…’ he swallowed, ‘aggressive. I’m not sure what he went through before he came here.’

The beagle made the noise again, a whine, a please-no , in dog language. Beneath the table, he was trembling.

‘Oh, sweetheart.’ I was on my knees before I had time to think about it. I reached under the table to stroke the small, soft spot behind his right ear. He ducked his head away. I felt the air shift, and Jamie was next to me, saying Hugo’s name.

Hugo didn’t respond. Instead he placed his head on his paws and gazed up plaintively at us.

Jamie rocked back on his heels. Our faces were inches from each other.

‘Didn’t I do what you wanted, Anna?’ he said quietly. ‘Isn’t that enough to keep you here?’

When I looked up at him, his eyes were dark with sadness. I couldn’t move; I could hardly breathe.

‘I would have done anything,’ he said.

‘Please,’ I said. ‘Don’t.’

The phone rang.

He closed his eyes and stood up, his face hardening. ‘That’ll be Roshni,’ he said. ‘She and George are checking in on me constantly. I have no idea why.’

‘I’ll go.’ I stood ungracefully but quickly, glancing back at Hugo, who still had his head on his paws. I tried to ignore Jamie as he answered the phone, but before I got to the door, he waved his hand in my eyeline. ‘She wants your number,’ he said. ‘She says she has a gardening question.’

‘Fine,’ I said flatly, with a shrug. Only then did I finally manage to get out of the door.

Luckily, I wasn’t required to banter much that day. Tobias had decided to begin writing his ‘Fiona manual’ for covering her maternity leave, so was carefully taking notes and eating toast furiously. I kept to myself, and swiftly drafted a resignation letter which I emailed to Jamie, copying Callum in. Callum was absent for the day so I knew he’d only see it tomorrow. And I’d tell the others then, too. I couldn’t face it now. Plus, I had three long months to serve as my notice period. I could argue I needed less, but I’d never reneged on a contract in my life, and the thought of telling Jamie I wanted to break the contract made my heart falter in my chest.

‘What’s up?’ Fi was smiling at me. ‘You look very pensive.’

‘Sorry. Nothing,’ I said, then looked down to see an unknown number ringing my mobile. I answered. ‘Hello?’

‘Anna? It’s Roshni.’

I almost swore again. ‘Hi there. How are you?’

‘Fine thanks. What do you think about Cosmos?’

‘Cosmos?’

‘The flowers? My gardener is recommending them for our garden in London. Hundreds of them. In a shade called,’ she paused, ‘cupcake? Which doesn’t sound very me.’

‘They’re beautiful flowers. Very elegant…’ I was struggling. ‘Romantic…’

‘Excellent, I’ll go with them then. On another note, why are you letting Jamie marry that gold-digger?’

With a single involuntary movement, I swiped my empty coffee mug onto its side and it rolled off the desk. Fi hurried to pick it up whilst Tobias took out one of his ear buds and frowned at me.

‘Bear with me, I should take this outside,’ I said, mouthing ‘sorry’ at Fi and clumsily crashing out of the office onto the front drive.

‘I’m here.’ I took a breath of fresh air.

‘Great. And I’m waiting for your answer.’ I heard a faint tapping and imagined her in her glass office in a City skyscraper, tapping a pen on the table.

‘It’s nothing to do with me.’

‘ Au contraire . He was wild about you, Anna. Is wild about you.’

I put my hand to my chest.

‘Then, just as things look as though they’re starting to fall into place, you slam the brakes on and he rebounds into the arms of his ex. And, let me tell you, George and I were very glad that she was his ex and we were hoping she stayed that way. But apparently you thought differently.’

I cleared my throat. ‘Yes, I pointed him in her direction. But all that happened was he discovered she was right for him.’

‘Come on, Anna. It’s clear she just wants the house and the title. In fact, it’s worse. Her mother wants her to have the house and the title. Ambition by proxy.’ I heard the tap-tap-tap of her pen on the desk. ‘The most tragic kind.’

I had no answer for that. Other than I hoped it wasn’t true. The way Lucinda had looked at Jamie – that was real, wasn’t it?

‘The way she looks at him—’

‘The way she looks at him is the way a dog looks at a bone. She wants it, she’ll consume it, then she’ll be off having affairs and doing God knows what. Do I really have to tell you this? Have you heard her mention anything about him ? About who he is? Does she know what his favourite colour is? His favourite food?’

‘Yellow, and arancini balls with extra spicy sauce,’ I blurted out.

I heard Roshni sigh. ‘Great, so you know. But does she?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Ask her. Ask her anything about him.’

I was silent.

‘Look, Anna, it’s okay if you don’t want to be with him.’

‘It wasn’t that.’

The faint tapping stopped.

‘I did want him – to be with him.’

She was silent.

‘I couldn’t ruin his life.’ I picked at a stray thread on my jumper.

The tapping resumed. ‘The children. I suppose I get it. What I don’t get is encouraging him to rebound with Lucinda.’

‘I wanted to help,’ I said lamely. ‘He’s a sensible man.’

‘Not at the moment. I’m going to do my best to slow this engagement down.’

‘It’s really none of my business. I’m leaving, anyway.’

She sighed again. ‘He just told me. Just ask Lucinda what he likes. I have to go. Bye.’ A soft click indicated her departure.

I could hear the beagles hallooing in their paddock as I trailed back to the office. I closed my eyes against the emotions that were battering me.

‘You look sad,’ said Tobias, as I sat down at my desk. ‘Hon?’

‘I’m leaving,’ I said. There was no point in waiting – it was best everyone knew, asap. ‘I have to serve three months’ notice, so not yet.’

I avoided Fi’s gaze, and batted away their questions. I could practically feel them swapping worried glances so I took a quick look at Forestcam then started working with an intensely focused efficiency that they didn’t dare to interrupt. I was in the middle of a phone conversation with Keith about placing an order of bare root wild pear trees when a flash of movement outside the window caught my eye: Lucinda, leading one of her horses across the drive.

I was out of my chair in a second, feeling the eyes of my colleagues on my back, hurtling through the office door.

‘Lucinda,’ I said.

She turned and frowned. When I’d first known her, she’d done nothing but smile, but it seemed as though she was out of supply now.

‘What’s Jamie’s favourite food?’

She looked up sharply, her eyes wide. ‘What?’

I repeated the question.

‘Why do you ask?’

‘We were just talking about family members and their food fads. I’m just taking a quick straw poll. It’s an event I’m thinking of running in the kitchen garden.’ Wow, my lying skills were ramping up.

I saw her struggle with uncertainty. Then she gave a little sigh. ‘Steak frites,’ she said.

‘Right,’ I said. ‘Thanks.’

I walked away from her, and away from the house. I needed to be outside. As I walked, I tried to put Roshni’s words to the back of my mind. Surely Lucinda loved Jamie? How could she not? When I got to the Mulholland Oak, an ancient tree at the heart of the estate, I sat down beneath its branches, and stared out at the landscape I’d learned to love. With absolutely no idea what to do.