Chapter 23
CHAPTER 23
The next month passed slowly as autumn settled over Stonemore. I talked myself into thinking Lucinda and Jamie’s marriage was a good thing, and that Roshni had been mistaken. Meanwhile, the office had a muted atmosphere. Callum never reproved me for resigning, but the air of sadness he wore when he greeted me was reproach enough. Fi understood my reasons for going, but still asked me ‘Are you sure?’ every couple of days. In the evenings, I often took refuge in her and Richard’s kitchen, like a clingy house guest who refuses to leave. I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible before I went. They had turned their spare room into a nursery, and I sat with Fi, browsing online for cots and musical mobiles, promising I would make regular ‘auntie visits’ once the baby had arrived.
After a Zoom interview with a conservation charity based in London – this time everyone turned their camera on, unlike the Stonemore one – I was offered a job. Rose offered to put me up until I could get established again, and I booked a storage unit for my stuff.
But somehow it still felt unreal, as though I was planning someone else’s departure, someone else’s life. When I asked Fi whether Jamie had started recruiting for my role, she just shook her head.
One thing Jamie had done was refuse Lucinda’s request to hire an event planner for the wedding. Tally had commenced mood-boarding and thinking about menu choices, but I could tell her heart wasn’t in it. Lucinda was planning a Christmas-themed wedding, to take place on the last day of December. When Tally started having a meltdown about colour schemes, I went out into the fresh air and worked on the estate.
I also unblocked Sean, and messages from him began to trickle through, often on Sunday evenings, when he’d always tended to feel a bit melancholy. I kept my responses friendly but distant, an approach I found remarkably easy to cultivate.
And I completely stopped journalling. Because even when I picked up my pen, I found there was nothing to write. All I felt was that old, familiar numbness.
‘Congratulations.’
I looked up as the cream-coloured envelope landed on my desk in front of me.
It was Jamie. He was dressed for the outdoors, in a check cotton shirt and indigo jeans speckled with mud, his hair uncharacteristically ruffled. He’d been spending a lot of time outside, either in the beagle enclosure or at Belheddonbrae. I was forever seeing him at a distance striding around the grounds. Whenever I saw him I ran away, even if I was mid-task and it meant startling whoever I was working with.
I took my headphones off and looked past his left shoulder. ‘What’s this?’
‘We’re shortlisted for the Acorn Prize. The awards ceremony is in London in six weeks.’
His expression was unreadable – he looked neither happy nor sad, and his blue eyes were blank and cool. I felt a brief shimmer of gladness at our success, satisfaction at a job well done. But it was immediately cancelled out by a wave of sadness.
‘That’s brilliant,’ I said. ‘Congratulations to you and Callum.’
‘It’s down to you,’ he said. ‘And whether we win or not, this will put Stonemore on the map as an estate serious about conservation. There’ll be profiles in the press, and a big networking event the day before the ceremony.’
‘And you and Callum will be brilliant,’ I said, with my best magnanimous smile.
‘Callum will be staying here.’
‘No!’ I said. I heard movement behind me and Callum appeared, nodding and vaping furiously.
‘Can’t stand the big smoke, Anna.’
‘And you’ll be within your notice period and can come.’ Jamie’s face was expressionless.
‘I’m quite sure you don’t need me,’ I said, starting to type again. Anything other than looking at him.
‘It’s non-negotiable. I’m going to line up private meetings with some funders looking at investing in our project. Quite apart from the press we’ll be doing, and the networking event. We’ll need a full team.’
‘But not Callum?’ I raised an eyebrow.
‘I like to play to my staff’s strengths,’ he said crisply. ‘So it will be you, me and either Fiona or Tobias.’ He glanced at Fi. ‘Whichever you prefer. Roshni is going to arrange for us to have one of her company’s corporate apartments for a reduced fee.’
‘I’m coming with you!’ cried Fi. I looked doubtfully at her baby bump, but there wasn’t a flicker of doubt on her face. ‘I’ve seen those apartments – they’re lush. It can be my last big fling in the city and I can stock up on tiny shampoos in the luxury bathroom.’
‘With my blessing, babe,’ said Tobias. ‘I can go to London any time.’
‘That’s settled then.’ Jamie turned such a look on me that I glared back and was satisfied to see his jaw flex.
‘By the way,’ he said. ‘I’ve noticed there are some changes to the planting scheme for Belheddonbrae. I saw the new plan in the potting shed – Mica showed me. These haven’t been cleared with me, have they?’
‘No.’ I kept my eyes focused on my keyboard. ‘I went to the archive. There was an old planting plan. From 1985.’
I glanced up and saw the date reverberate in his eyes. The year his parents had married.
‘I can send it to you. I believe,’ I kept my eyes from his face, ‘your mother wanted to incorporate some of the flowers from her wedding bouquet into the planting plan. As a kind of reference to the wedding. I thought you might appreciate some of those being included. I apologise – I should have cleared it with you.’
When I looked up at him, he was staring at me. There was something about the way he was holding himself, the still aspect of his face, that made me realise he was struggling to hold his emotions in. That he couldn’t speak.
‘J!’ Lucinda bounced in and placed a kiss on his cheek. ‘Here you are! I have things to discuss with you.’ She twined her arms around his torso and I felt every muscle in my body tense.
He nodded silently and went with her, Hugo weaving around his feet worriedly.
And now I was going to be sharing an apartment with him. This notice period just got better and better.
That night I had a glass of wine after dinner, and before I knew it, I was packing; if randomly throwing possessions into cardboard boxes can be called packing. My phone chimed regularly with excited messages from Fi.
We can relive our dancing days in London. Or, you can dance and I can watch with my feet up. Or, we can go for a bottomless afternoon tea.
My responses mainly consisted of smiling emojis for a reason. Emojis worked where my words didn’t. I’d been doing pretty well in my opinion, but when Lucinda shrieked with delight at something Jamie had said and wrapped herself around him like a car around a lamppost, I felt a stab of sexual jealousy so piercing that it had taken my breath away.
Even now, I couldn’t get it out of my mind. The memory of us, our bodies locked together, hands clasped above my head as we moved in our own rhythm… Therefore, the open bottle of wine.
My phone chimed again and I picked it up to see what Fi’s next stage of excitement looked like.
JAMIE I meant it when I said congratulations. We owe our success to you. And I’m grateful for your kindness about Belheddonbrae. It means a lot.
I stared at the words on my phone screen until the blue light hurt my eyes. It was a nice message, a kind message. So why did it hurt so much?
In the precise moment I clicked the screen off, the light flashed again.
JAMIE We need you in London, Anna. I don’t think you understand how important you are to this project.
I chucked the phone onto the coffee table and poured another glass of wine. When the phone started ringing, I felt proper fury. What did he want from me? Blood?
I snatched the phone up. Withheld.
‘What is it ?’ I said.
‘Anna?’ said a male voice that definitely didn’t belong to Jamie. ‘It’s me.’
I’d always liked Sean’s soft voice. It was one of the reasons I’d fancied him. But it crossed my mind that he sounded slightly lacklustre. My tastes had clearly changed.
‘Er, hi,’ I said.
‘Hi you.’ Silence.
‘What is it you wanted?’
‘Have you been drinking?’
‘One glass.’ I looked at my second glass, half drunk, and wondered why he was calling me on a Tuesday rather than a Sunday. ‘To what do I owe the pleasure?’
‘I’ve just got home after a terrible date.’
I rolled my eyes as he told me about it. The gist seemed to be that he’d been running through the stock of available women in London, but there was no one like me, and that this was a deeply romantic compliment. I carried on sipping my wine and stifled a yawn. Then, when he’d finished, I let the silence sit between us.
‘Have you,’ he said eventually, sounding coy, ‘seen anyone? Dated anyone – since we split up?’
‘Yep,’ I said.
‘Oh.’ He sounded crestfallen.
‘Goodnight, Sean,’ I said, and hung up before he could say anything else.
There was no chance of getting out of the trip to London. So I didn’t protest – other than privately and repeatedly, to Fi and Rose – and six weeks later I found myself hurtling through the London suburbs, being driven by Jamie. Fi sat up front with him; I sat behind. I had bolted for the back seat in an attempt to keep my distance. We were studiously polite to each other.
We would have the evening to rest, then a packed itinerary: two full days of networking and press events before the ceremony, then plans to visit a couple of other conservation projects on the outskirts of London. As we drove, Fi was typing furiously on her phone in response to further requests for meetings.
The corporate apartment Roshni had arranged for us was in a smart Art Deco block on the north bank of the Thames. Jamie had been allocated a reserved space in the underground car park and when we walked into the reception, we were greeted by a bright-eyed woman in uniform who was so immaculately turned out I found myself fiddling with my hair. Ah yes, I thought, London . We all seemed to be feeling a bit shell-shocked. Jamie had handled the London traffic with aplomb but we’d already earned a tut from a commuter when we’d emerged onto the pavement as a group.
‘I forgot everyone walks so fast ,’ said Fi, popping her phone in her pocket as we attempted to keep up with the uniformed lady.
The apartment was extraordinary. It took up a floor of the building, was all cream and white, smelt of high-class incense, and was pristine. Every bedroom had an en suite stocked with bathrobes, toiletries and the fluffiest white towels I’d ever seen. When I noticed my bed had a TV screen built into the foot of the bed and a complimentary hamper of sweet treats, I almost cackled with delight.
‘Oh my goodness.’ Fi collapsed onto the sofa as I put a mini pack of cookies on the table. ‘This is amazing! Can you massage my feet, Anna?’
‘I told you not to wear new shoes,’ I said.
She was already taking them off as she checked her phone and cackled. ‘Poor Tobias, left alone with the inbox. He’s had five events enquiries today alone.’ She looked around the room. ‘Just look at this place!’
‘Roshni’s really outdone herself,’ said Jamie, taking out his phone and pressing a number. ‘I’ll call and thank her.’ He drifted away and I heard him say, ‘Thanks, sis,’ when she picked the phone up.
‘I know it sounds mean,’ said Fi, once he was gone, ‘but I’m glad Lucinda isn’t here. Tobias has already messaged me three times to say what a nightmare she’s being.’
‘Why didn’t she come?’ I turned my hand over and inspected my nails. It pained me to ask, but I couldn’t help myself.
Fi shrugged. ‘When Jamie made it clear it would be all business, she wasn’t interested.’ I looked up. She was gazing at me steadily. ‘He really needs a – what’s the word? – helpmate. Partner in crime. Whatever.’ She sighed. ‘It’s not good. I’m worried for him.’
‘It’s really none of our—’ I stopped as Jamie walked in. ‘—business.’
‘All okay?’ Jamie looked between us. He seemed weary.
‘Perfect,’ said Fi. ‘Can we order pizzas in tonight?’ She looked as though she was opening her eyes extra wide to try to stay awake.
‘Of course,’ Jamie and I said, in unison. We looked at each other.
‘We must stop doing that,’ he said stiffly.
I nodded, going to sit alongside Fi. ‘How are you doing?’
Fi tilted her head onto my shoulder. ‘Bit tired.’
‘I was worried this might be too much for you,’ Jamie frowned. ‘Shall I call Richard? We can get you home, if you need to go.’
‘I’m fine, stop fussing.’ Fi smiled, but I saw the strain in her face. ‘All I’ll be doing is sending emails and making phone calls. It’s you two that have to do all the hard work.’
‘I’m lucky I’ve got the best team,’ said Jamie. ‘I couldn’t have done any of this without you – both.’
I felt a stab of sadness so intense I couldn’t speak. What was wrong with me? I looked down and gave myself a little shake. ‘Who wants a cookie?’
‘It’s yours,’ said Jamie. Then his phone started ringing.
He walked away to take it but I could hear it was Lucinda; her voice was like a burst of static, cutting through the serenity of the room.
‘Sorry? They said what to you?’ I could hear the stress in his voice.
‘She should be kinder to him,’ I said, in a low voice.
But Fi was only interested in one thing: the last cookie. ‘Sorry love,’ she said. ‘Bubba wants this one.’
I nodded. ‘Fair enough.’
I’ve always been a fan of eating pizza on the sofa, so the evening should have been perfect. But Fi seemed exhausted and Jamie was stressed after his conversation with Lucinda, so we all ate and went to our rooms with less jollity than when we’d arrived.
Alone in my room, I lay on the king-size bed, sinking into the Egyptian cotton sheets and watching the news on the TV. Despite the luxurious surroundings, I was feeling listless. It was just after ten when my phone vibrated.
SEAN Arrived?
ANNA Yes
SEAN Free tomorrow evening? I really want to see you .
I thought of Jamie’s face when he picked up the phone to Lucinda. I picked up the phone and typed.
Yes. 6.30 at Chandos?
It was a coffee bar we used to visit. I didn’t need alcohol in the mix.
Perfect. Xx
I lay there, watching the usual scenes of doom and destruction on the news, glancing back at Sean’s message. There was a time when the thought of seeing him would have pushed out every other thought, every other hope and expectation. It seemed ridiculous, a little sad, to me now, how much emphasis I had placed on our relationship. It had been the foundation of all my hopes. I think he sensed that, too. Which is why, when the news came that we would never have our own children, it had all been too much for him to bear.
Perfect , his message said. I turned off the news and stared at the ceiling. But was it, though? Was it, really? I closed my eyes against the word that appeared in my head.
No .