Chapter 26 Cam
Chapter 26
Cam
Fifteen Years Ago
Ash,
I know we’ve already graduated, but I decided I’m going to keep sending you notes. I’m not exactly sure when I’m going to give you this one. Maybe when you come visit me at work today. The day is going to go by so slow waiting for you. I could just text you, and I probably will, but I dunno…I like the notes. I like that they feel special and that they feel like ours, you know?
Anyway, this note has a point.
My parents are going out of town for their anniversary this weekend, and Greer is staying with a friend. And for the first time, probably ever, I don’t have to work on Saturday or Sunday. Think you can get away long enough to spend some time with me?
Check yes or no, and bring this back to me before Friday—with snack requests. I’m also going to (try) to make you dinner. No promises it’ll be any good, though. I hope you’ll love me anyway.
I love you,
Dusty
W hen I pulled into Dusty’s driveway, it was just after six. My parents got me a car for graduation—a sporty BMW three series that had more buttons than I knew what to do with. I liked the car. I was grateful for it. They said I’d need it when I went to Vanderbilt this fall, which was probably true, but it came with one giant stipulation: I wasn’t allowed to see Dusty.
To say my parents didn’t approve of our relationship was the understatement of the century, but I didn’t care. As far as they knew, Dusty and I broke up when we graduated. What they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. It wasn’t my fault that my dad was out of town and my mom would get home from the country club late enough that she’d assume I was already in bed. Being with Dusty was worth everything, so risking my car to see him felt like the easiest thing in the world.
What did a car matter compared to somebody I loved?
Especially because we didn’t have much longer together—at least in Meadowlark. I wanted to spend every second with him. He was leaving for guide school in Montana right after his birthday.
God, I loved him so much. When I thought about both of us leaving, my heart sunk so low that I felt an echo in my chest when I breathed.
I shook those thoughts out of my head and got out of my car.
Dusty must’ve heard the car door shut because next thing I knew, he was walking out the front door, kissing me on the cheek, and taking my duffel bag from me. I was going to stay for the whole weekend.
“Hey, angel,” he said as he pulled me close. “I missed you.”
“I missed you, too,” I said. Now that school was out, I didn’t see Dusty every day. He worked a lot—trying to save up money. I visited him when he worked at the diner. He would get me a chocolate shake or a blue raspberry rainbow, and I would read while he worked. But I didn’t get to see him on the days that he worked at the grocery store or Rebel Blue.
I took my time taking him in. He was wearing a pair of faded blue jeans and a worn white T-shirt. It had holes in it, a few peppered along the neckline. It looked perfect on him. When I was with Dusty, my head went quiet in the best way possible—like there was nothing I was dealing with that couldn’t wait until tomorrow. I also felt the most like myself around him. I didn’t have to be so…clenched, I guess.
It was freeing and wonderful, and I wanted to feel this way forever.
When we got inside, Dusty dropped my bag to the floor and brought his lips down on mine. I wondered if I would like kissing as much as I did if I wasn’t kissing Dusty. I didn’t have any other experience to compare it to, but I didn’t think I would. His tongue swept inside my mouth, and I gripped his shirt.
Soon, my back was pressed against the wall right next to the front door. One of Dusty’s hands was on my waist and the other was on the back of my neck—both holding me to him. My hands ran up and down his chest, getting lower every time I brought them back down.
When I reached the top of his jeans, I slid each of my pointer fingers inside of the waistband of his briefs.
“Whoa there, angel,” he said against my mouth. “Slow down.”
“We’ve been going slow,” I said. “So, so, so slow.” Not to be dramatic, but I felt like I’d been trying to get into Dusty’s pants for a while. He made me feel safe and respected and loved. I wanted this with him.
We’d done other stuff, and so far, it had all been amazing. But every time we got close to sliding home, Dusty stopped us—like he was doing now. When he stepped back, his eyes looked wild, and I’d sufficiently mussed his hair. His expression was kind of…pained?
I felt the insecurity creep up my body, and I folded my arms over my chest. I looked down at the floor. “Do you…” I started. “D-do you not, um, want to…with me?” I finally managed to get out. As soon as I said it, I felt like crawling into the deepest hole I could find and burying myself alive. I couldn’t look at him, so I slid my back down the wall until I was seated on the floor. I put my head on my knees and wrapped my arms around my shins.
“Ash,” Dusty said softly. “No.” His voice was soft, but close, which meant he had met me on the floor. “Look at me, angel.”
I shook my head, embarrassed. “Ash,” he said more firmly. “Look at me. Please.” I let out a sigh. I couldn’t refuse him, so I lifted my gaze to his.
“I want you.” His gray eyes were glued to mine. “I want you so bad—in all of the ways. I love you, and I want to be close to you like that. I’m ready to be close to you like that.”
“So why won’t you?”
“I know we don’t like to talk about it, but I’m going to Montana next month, and you’re going to college in the fall,” he said. “I don’t want to have sex with you and then leave a few weeks later.”
“But you’re not leaving me,” I said. “You’re just leaving. We’re going to stay together. We’ll talk all the time, and we’ll visit each other.”
Dusty swallowed. “I know,” he said. “And I’m so glad about that. I just…I love you so much, and I want our first time to be special. I don’t want you to feel like I’m just going to like…hit it and quit it.”
A laugh bubbled out of me. It was loud and free. “Hit it and quit it?” I said between inhales.
Dusty’s mouth tilted. “You know what I mean,” he said. “I respect you and shit, and I need you to know that and feel that, okay?”
I pushed up on my knees, so Dusty and I were face-to-face. God, he was so good. I studied him for a second: his eyebrows that were a few shades darker than his hair, the silver ring through his right nostril, the tiny scar underneath his left eye that he got from running into the corner of a table when he was little. “I love you, too,” I said. “I know what I am to you, Dusty. The fact that we’re going to be apart for a little doesn’t change that—not for me.”
“Not for me, either,” he said softly.
I put my hands on either side of his face. “Okay, then,” I said and then kissed him again. Less urgently this time. I let my mouth linger on his as the heat started to build between us again. His hands roamed over my body and mine explored his.
“Wait,” he said and then pulled away again. “Before we go too far, I need to show you something.”
I huffed impatiently. “You’re a real mood-killer, Tucker, you know that?”
He laughed a little before he stood and brought me with him. “I think you’re going to like this,” he said. He looped his fingers through mine and started pulling me toward the back of the house. When we reached the back door, he said, “Close your eyes,” and I gave him a look. “I’ve got you.”
I rolled my eyes dramatically before squeezing them shut. Dusty grabbed my other hand, so he was holding on to both of them now. I heard the back door open, and he carefully guided me outside. I took a few steps until I felt the ground beneath my feet change from cement to grass.
“Okay,” Dusty said. “Open.”
When I opened my eyes, I couldn’t believe it. It looked so dreamy back here. Dusty had used a couple of sheets and rope to create an open tent-like structure using the branches of the big oak tree by Aggie’s workshop. From what I could see, it looked like every pillow and blanket in the Tucker household was inside of it. There was a picnic blanket with snacks on it, too.
“Oh my god, Dusty,” I said on a gasp. “This is beautiful.” When I looked over at him, he was grinning wide.
“Look that way,” he said, nodding toward the back of the house. When I did, I noticed another white sheet hanging on the back of the house with a small projector a few feet behind it. I couldn’t believe he did all of this. It was perfect.
I started pulling him toward the blankets inside the tent, and the two of us flopped down onto them as soon as they were within reach. Then we were kissing again. I had my hands on his face and my leg hitched up around his hips, using everything I had to pull him closer to me.
One of his hands slid into the back pocket of my jeans and brought the middle of our bodies together. I gasped.
I started kissing his neck. I had left Dusty with a visible hickey more than once, but I didn’t care. “Are you sure?” he asked. His voice was breathy and strained.
“Yes,” I said with a small bite where I’d been kissing him. He groaned, and I felt powerful. “Are you?”
“Yes. Yes. Yes,” he said quickly. “I’ve never done this before.”
“I know,” I said. “Neither have I.” I liked that I was going to be his first and he was going to be mine. My last, too. I knew it.
Then he rolled himself on top of me. When his gray eyes landed on mine, I felt like we were the only two people in the world. The affection in his gaze made it hard to swallow.
“If you change your mind, you have to tell me. We have to talk to each other, okay? I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Okay,” I said. My voice was choked up with emotion. I didn’t know where it came from. He kissed me again, slower this time. I put my hands under his shirt and slid it up his back. He broke away from our kiss to pull it all the way off. God, he was beautiful.
And he was all mine.
We went slowly. And when our bodies were joined, Dusty put a hand on my cheek and looked straight into my soul. “I’ll love you until we’re dust, Camille Ashwood.”