Chapter 31 Cam
Chapter 31
Cam
Fourteen Years Ago
Ash,
It’s a long one today. I probably won’t be home until you’re asleep.
I miss you. I love you.
Dusty
I stared at the note from Dusty that he’d left on the kitchen counter of our small one-bedroom apartment. We’d been here since we came to Montana in July, and it was nearly November. Dusty ended up getting a job as a wilderness guide for the rest of the summer and into fall. We were planning to stay here for the winter and then try to go to Colorado or northern California for summer.
Seasonal work was…different from what I thought it would be. Dusty loved it. He was so excited to go to new places and try new things. I loved the joy on his face when he told me about his day and his plans for the future.
He said that they were our plans, but I didn’t know where I fit into them yet. I didn’t feel like I was made for moving around all the time and not having something tangible to work toward. I was missing my outcomes, I guess. I didn’t really have any goals here. I worked at a small western wear store in town, which was fine, but most of the time, I was bored. When I was at work, I wished I was in the apartment, and when I was in the apartment, I wished Dusty was there, but he hardly ever was. He left early and often got home late.
I knew it would get better when the season was over in a few weeks, but right now, it sucked. And when I was alone, the only company I had was my thoughts. Did I make a mistake? Did I ruin my own life by following Dusty?
I read the note again. I miss you. I love you.
I loved him, too. So much. More than I did before we left Meadowlark. Everything about him still felt so right, but almost everything about the life we were living felt…wrong. I lashed out at Dusty all the time—when he left a cabinet open or left his dishes in the sink or left his work boots by the door. In the moment, I knew I was overreacting or taking my feelings and frustrations out on the wrong person, but I couldn’t help it. Dusty was patient with me, but I was filled with shame. I felt like I was trying to sabotage myself and our relationship.
For the first time in a while, I also thought about my parents. They knew where I was, but I hadn’t spoken to them since a few weeks after I left. And even then, they didn’t act like they were worried about me or wanted me to come home. My mom just reminded me that my decision meant I was not fulfilling the requirements of my trust fund. After that, they shut off my phone and froze my bank account—which made sense. It was their money.
I didn’t know why I thought they would care more. They never had before.
A long sigh escaped my lips—one of those sighs where you felt your entire body deflate, and you didn’t know if you could even hold yourself up anymore.
I made my way to the bathroom and turned on the shower, cranking the handle so that the water was as hot as it could be. When I pushed back the curtain and stepped inside, I sank to the shower floor. I let the hot water rain down on me until it started to turn cold.
The mattress dipped as Dusty climbed into bed with me later that night. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to his chest. I felt his lips on the back of my neck. I didn’t know what time it was—late, probably, but I hadn’t been able to fall asleep yet.
I wound my fingers through his. “You still awake, angel?” he whispered in my ear.
“Couldn’t sleep,” I choked out.
“What’s wrong?” he asked immediately, pulling me tighter.
I took a deep breath. “Are you happy, Dusty?”
He stilled behind me. The world had never been more deafeningly silent than it was then. I could almost feel the fissures forming in my heart as I waited for him to respond.
“I love you, Cam,” he whispered. “I love you so much.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“Are you happy?”
“I don’t—” A tear slid its way out of the corner of my eye and onto my pillow. “I don’t think I am, Dusty.” Suddenly, being close to him, being held by him, felt like too much. I sat up, breaking his hold on me, and got out of the bed.
“What can I do?” he asked.
I didn’t look back at him. “I want to go home,” I said. “I want to go back to Meadowlark.” I didn’t know that’s what I wanted, but now that I’d said it, I felt like I had a fishing hook in my sternum, and it was pulling me back. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be with Dusty, but I didn’t want to be here.
In Meadowlark, I could at least take University of Wyoming satellite classes. I could at least start working toward something.
“Okay,” Dusty said quietly. “I can take you back this weekend, and we can…we can figure out the distance thing, all right?”
My brows knitted together as I finally turned toward him. “No,” I said, confused. “I want us to go back to Meadowlark.”
Dusty ran his hands through his blond hair. I couldn’t really see his face in the dark—only what was lit by the moonlight coming in our bedroom window. “Cam…I have a job.”
“I know. We can go home when the season is over next week.”
I heard Dusty sigh. “I…I don’t want to go home, Cam. This was my plan. I’ve been waiting for this my whole life—a chance to explore.”
It felt like someone had kicked me in the back of my knees.
“Okay,” I said, frustration bubbling under my skin. “But my plan was to go to college, and I changed it for you. For us.”
“I never asked you to do that,” Dusty snapped. He’d never snapped at me like that before. Whenever we fought, he stayed even-keeled. I was the one with the temper.
“But I did,” I snapped back. “And I regret it every single day.”
“We talked about this before we came here, Cam. I told you that I was worried about you not going to school, that I was worried about us taking on too much too soon, and you brushed it off.”
“Well.” I folded my arms across my chest. “I thought it would be different.”
“Whose fault is that? I didn’t ask you to come here with me. I didn’t ask you to give up on school. I was ready to do the long-distance thing. I was ready for us to move forward that way.”
“Okay, well, I’m sorry for loving you, I guess,” I said, hating the way it sounded coming out of my mouth.
“Oh my god,” Dusty said, standing up from the bed now. “Are you kidding me? That is such a bullshit thing to say, and you know it.”
It was a bullshit thing to say, but I didn’t care. Dusty had just told me he was choosing this shitty apartment in Montana over our relationship.
“I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be here, and I don’t think you want me here.”
“Of course I want you here, Cam, but I don’t want you here if you don’t want to be here. I worry about you all day, every day. I hate that you’re here by yourself, but you don’t do anything to change that. I can’t be responsible for both of us. I’m barely learning how to be responsible for me.”
“Okay.” I shrugged, trying to play off how hurt and confused I felt. “Then I’m done.”
In the dark, I could see Dusty go ramrod straight before he sighed. “I don’t think we should keep doing this right now,” he said. “It’s the middle of the night. I’m tired. You’re tired. We’re both feeling a lot of things.”
I scoffed—like that mattered.
“Can we please talk about this tomorrow when I get home?” Dusty pleaded.
“Sure. Whatever.”
After that, Dusty grabbed his pillow and went out to the living room. I cried myself to sleep, and the next morning after Dusty went to work, I packed a bag.
Dusty,
I found a bus that goes to Jackson Hole. Good luck with your plans.
Cam