Chapter 7
7
NOELLE
I kept my gaze on the peppers softening in the pan. I couldn't believe I'd admitted that to him. No one had asked about me snowboarding in years. It had thrown me off because it was my first love. On the slopes, I wasn't the maid's daughter or the girl who wore clothes from a thrift shop. I was just a snowboarder. No one knew my story or judged me for what I had.
It bothered me that the lessons and lift tickets were free and the equipment rented. But I got to do what I loved.
"Do you still have your gear?" Killian asked.
He probably wanted to make things better or offer to let me have a free lift ticket now, but I wouldn't accept. "I never had equipment. Those were rentals."
I looked over at him and grabbed the board, which was littered with cubed onions, and slid them into the pan. I was grateful that I had something to occupy my attention.
"I didn't realize."
I hadn't wanted anyone to know. I hated being someone who needed to take handouts to do anything. But I'd overlooked it because I loved snowboarding so much. "It's not a big deal."
"What would you have done on the college team?"
"I had a full scholarship. It included equipment." The college coach hadn't been surprised about my predicament. I wasn't the only one in that situation.
"I'm sorry, Noelle."
I flashed him a look. "I'm not looking for your sympathy."
"I know you're not. I just feel like an ass. When I was a teenager, I wasn't paying attention to much of anything outside of my life."
"And all the girls you dated," I teased, even though it had bothered me at the time. Killian went from one girl to another, never considering me as an option.
"None of them meant anything," Killian said.
"They occupied a lot of your time," I said before I could stop myself.
He raised a brow. "Were you jealous?"
"I had a crush on you. You already know that." I stirred the veggies. "I kissed you."
Killian stepped closer to me. "For how long?"
I couldn't meet his gaze because it had always been him for him. I'd watched him interact with his brothers long before his father asked if I wanted to take snowboarding lessons. "I don't remember."
"But what about after the kiss?"
I looked up at him then. "Are you asking if I still had a crush on you?" At his nod, I continued, "That would have been silly, don't you think? You weren't interested. I moved on."
He let out a breath. "You didn't give me a chance to say anything."
My cheeks heated. "What would you have said? I don't like you that way. " I shook my head. "No, thank you. It was humiliating enough back then. But I got over you."
Something passed across his face. Was it disappointment?
"Can you grab the bowl of chicken?" I needed him to give me space. He was standing too close and seeing too much. I felt splayed open, even though we were talking about something that happened years ago. The emotions, the feelings, were bubbling to the surface, and it felt like it had happened yesterday.
Killian complied, dumping the strips into the pan.
I added seasoning, then covered it. I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge, letting the cool liquid sooth my dry throat.
"I'm sorry I didn't handle it better back then."
I shrugged. "You don't have to apologize."
"I could have reacted better. I could have said something. Anything."
I rolled my eyes. "What could you have said? Either you wanted to kiss me back, or you didn't."
"I never thought of you as anything more than a friend. That kiss took me by surprise."
I didn't want to have this conversation. "We don't have to talk about this anymore. It wasn't something I wanted to remember."
"I was a stupid kid back then. I chased the popular girls, wanting their attention, and then when I got it, it felt hollow."
I shook my head. "That's what high school is about, exploring what we want and who we are."
"Yeah, I guess so."
I hit Play on my favorite list on my phone. I wanted to change the subject. "You're off the hook. It wasn't a big deal."
"It kind of seems like it was."
For me, it was. Not for him. He moved on and lived his dreams. "I promise you; it wasn't. Everyone's dating past is littered with mistakes. That kiss was mine."
He grimaced. "I don't like it being characterized as a mistake."
I turned the music up higher and danced to the upbeat song.
Killian cocked a brow. "You want to dance?"
I would do anything to get him off the topic of that kiss. I held my hand out to him, but he shook his head.
"I can't dance on this knee."
I swayed closer to him, dancing around him. I let the music take over my body.
His hand gripped my hip, which startled me.
My gaze lifted to his, and he said gruffly, "Don't stop."
I wasn’t sure what I was doing. All I knew was that I couldn't keep talking about the kiss that never should have happened. I'd thought about it more in the last few weeks then the last ten years. I wanted to put it firmly in the past and never think about it again.
I'd felt sparks when our lips had met, but he'd felt nothing. I couldn't trust my instinct when it came to guys. Now I let the guy make the first move. Better to be safe than sorry. I didn't put myself out there. I always let them pursue me. That kiss taught me a lot about relationships and life. Don't take risks.
My body brushed against his, and I wondered what I was doing. I was hyperaware of him and his fingers splayed over my hip. I wanted him to pull me to him, so that I could rub myself over his body.
It was reckless to be this close to him. I hadn't thought this through because dancing only reminded me of how much I was still attracted to him. I moved away from him. "I should get dinner ready."
I busied myself, lifting the lid to check its progress. It was almost done. Then we could eat and watch Christopher ski. I should avoid being alone with Killian. Cooking was more intimate than I'd envisioned.
It brought up the old feelings I had for him. The ones I thought were gone forever had been lying dormant, waiting for something like this to happen. I needed to shove those feelings firmly in the past, where they belonged.
I grabbed tomatoes and shredded cheese from the fridge.
"I can cut up the tomato," Killian offered, taking it from me, so I grabbed an avocado and sliced it open. I couldn't meet his gaze. I didn't want to talk about our past or my feelings.
Thankfully, he didn't mention the impromptu dance. He probably thought I was a crazy girl that kissed and danced with men that didn't return their feelings. I wished I could stop embarrassing myself in front of him.
"It smells like the chicken is almost done," Killian said, and I moved to the pan, turning off the heat.
I grabbed the tortilla wraps I'd bought earlier and plates. I created a few fajitas, putting one on my plate and two on his. Then I moved everything to the table. "Do you need help?"
"I've got it." Killian hobbled over to the table.
There was something so intimate about cooking and eating together. Then there was that conversation, the one where I had to bare my soul to him. Or at least it felt like I did.
"Christopher skis for his high school team?"
I nodded. "Oliver offered him free lessons since I worked for the resort. It was a weak excuse but a nice gesture."
"We've always offered free lessons to kids of employees."
I reached over and covered my hand with his. "I'm grateful for the opportunity. We couldn't have afforded the sport for him, and he loves it."
"But you hate handouts?" Killian asked as he lifted his fajita and took a big bite.
"I do, but Christoper just wants to ski, and he's good. Maybe he'll get a scholarship. If he does, I'll do everything in my power to make sure he goes."
"He'll live his dream at the expense of yours."
I shook my head. "It's not like that. My dream was a long time ago. I don't have the same desires now. My time is over. But I won't let him miss out on his."
Tonight was important to me. Christopher was living the life I had dreamed about. I wouldn't let anything stand in his way.
"You're a good big sister."
I smiled at him. "I try to be."
"I don't think I was ever a good brother. I fought with them. I never worked so that I could support them. But I'd like to think if the situation called for it, I would."
"I used to watch you with them. I was jealous that you had so many siblings close in age. Mine were so much younger that, by the time they were born, I was more of their caretaker."
We finished eating and cleaned up.
"How will you get around outside?" I asked him.
"I use a snowmobile."
When we got downstairs, I left to grab my boots from my car. When I returned, Killian was waiting by the snowmobile.
"Get on."
I waved him off. "I can walk."
"Get on, Noelle," he insisted.
I didn't want to be this close to him. I didn't want to wrap my legs around his body.
But Killian grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the machine. I swung my leg over the seat and sat with a few inches of space between us.
"Scoot closer. I don't want you to fall off," he said over his shoulder, his hand resting on my outer thigh.
I didn't want to feel every hard inch of him, but we were wearing a lot of thick clothes. Hopefully, I wouldn't react to the proximity.
I moved closer, wrapping my arms around his middle.
"Hold on tight."
I wasn't too worried about falling off; we weren't going that far.
Killian expertly maneuvered through the crowd of people gathering near the lodge to the bottom of the slope where the race was being held.
As soon as he stopped, I got off and held a hand out to him. "Are you okay standing?"
Killian nodded. "If not, I'll sit on the snowmobile."
"Noelle."
We looked around until I found Winnie waving at me. "That's my mother and sister. I'll stand with them."
I hoped he wouldn't follow me. I needed some space between us. When he stood next to me, I said, "You shouldn't be walking on your knee."
Instead of responding, he held his hand out to my mother. "Mrs. Richards, how are you?" Killian asked.
"It's Bianca. Great, thank you. Are you okay to be out here with your knee injured?"
"I'll be fine." Killian flashed my mom a megawatt smile, one I was positive he used on his fans. Then he turned his attention to Winnie. "You were just a baby when I left."
She drew up straighter. "I'm all grown up."
"You sure are. Do you ski?" Killian asked her.
She frowned. "Not yet."
"We're grateful that Christopher is skiing," Mom said, and my heart squeezed.
I hated that things were so hard on my family. I wished that skiing wasn't an expensive sport. That they could pay bills without worrying. That there wasn't an ever-present fear about not having enough. I hated that for them.
"I heard he's talented," Killian said. "If so, he should be on the mountain. That's where he belongs."
Mom nodded toward me. "Noelle was good too."
"We were so proud of her when she earned the full scholarship. Hopefully, Christopher will too," Killian said, placing most of his weight on his good leg.
"He will." Christopher would get to do everything that I missed out on. Then it would have been worth the sacrifice. Killian wouldn't be here to see it. Soon enough, he'd be back in his world.
We watched together for a while, and then Killian moved over to the snowmobile to sit down. Since I was technically working, I followed him over. He patted the seat in front of him. "Your family is great."
"They are," I said as I sat gingerly between his legs, facing the race.
His arm came around my back, resting on the handlebar. "They want the best for you."
"They do." He sat so close to me; it was hard to draw in a deep breath. He was large and took up all the space. Any time he moved, I brushed against him. I was hyperaware of his every shift, and he didn't seem to be bothered at all. Just like when we were younger, I was the one with the unfortunate crush.
"Your mother wanted you to go to school, and you didn't listen to her, did you?" Killian's voice tickled the shell of my ear.
"What?" I snapped my gaze to his. No one had ever guessed at that. I'd said it was my decision, and no one asked follow-up questions.
He tipped his head to the side. "She was upset with you when you decided not to go."
I chewed my lip. "How do you know that?"
"It was the way she talked about you and Christopher. I suspect she didn't want you to give up on your dreams," he murmured.
I pursed my lips. "They needed me to help out. In the end, it was my decision. Not hers."
He dipped his head slightly so that he was closer to me. "She wanted the best for you, just like what you want for Christopher."
I looked over at my mom, who stood next to Winnie. "I guess so."
"The slalom is next," Killian's voice rumbled in my ear.
I let out a breath. I needed to get ahold of myself. "Christopher's in that one."
"That's a tough race for a newbie." Killian shifted on the seat, pulling me against him.
"Xander said he has a natural talent for it, and he's been working hard. He spends a lot of time at the resort, either working or training," I rambled as my skin heated.
"That reminds me of us growing up."
"I hung out here a lot when Mom was working, which was boring. Eventually your dad said I should learn to ski." I smiled fondly at the memory. "I remembered him saying no one could hang out with the Wildes who couldn't ski. He made me feel like I was part of his family."
"You were part of our family. You kept up with us. You were more determined than any of my brothers to compete and place."
"I loved the competition. I think that's why I enjoy owning my own businesses. Every success is a win. I can measure my progress with numbers and spreadsheets."
"Now you sound like Oliver," Killian said with affection.
"I do love spreadsheets."
Killian chuckled. "Well, Oliver is already taken."
"Carolina was one of the conference organizers. I heard they had a secret relationship until they got snowed in at the lodge during a snowstorm."
"Oliver deserves to be happy. His ex is awful."
"I don't know much about Joey's mom, but she's never around."
His jaw was tight. "That's all you need to know about her."
"Your family loves Joey so much." I see him around the lodge all the time, and he was always riding the shoulder of one of his uncles or holding an aunt's hand.
"I think Mom wants another baby to hold. She has fun with Dakota and Joey, but it's not the same."
Killian nodded toward the race. "This is Christopher."
"You know his number?" I asked him, a little surprised.
"Yeah, when you said you wanted to watch him race, I looked up his information. His record is impressive for being so new to the sport. He's competing against kids who've skied since they were three."
"I did too."
Killian nudged me. "Your family has natural talent."
Pleasure flowed through me. When we competed as teens, Killian gave me advice and critiques, but he never said anything so complimentary. Probably because he was always pushing me to do better. He believed in me and still did. "Thanks, Kill.”
His arms closed around me as he leaned in close to see Christopher brace for the start of his solo run. "My competition name. I haven't heard you say that in a long time."
I felt so warm and protected in Killian's arms. I'd never been this close to him, not since I sat on his lap when he played Santa. It was nice, and I was going to enjoy it for as long as it lasted.