Chapter 15
The forest does not comfort me like it once did. I long to disappear among the stars, search them for embers of Jezza, burning in other galaxies to give me hope there is more to this life.
The universe obviously doesn’t care who or what dies. Hope. Love. The most beautiful female in the entirety of our species, inside and out.
The forest is damp this morning from recent rains. Mud and moss squish under my paws as I lurk through the underbrush, feeling more like a shadow than a soul.
Rhysan needs a mother who can feed him.
It rips the hole in my chest wider every time I think it. And every time I think it, it is because I have to in order to keep myself from breaking into camp and taking him.
Emarza knows loss. She has emptiness in her den that Rhysan can fill. He has made their family whole. And she was Jezza’s best friend.
I will not act on anger or impulse.
I will be calm.
I swipe at a tree in passing and cut it down, my claws tearing through the trunk.
Jezza would tell me to think about them. She would tell me that only a few of us are strong enough to give everything for others so that they might live better lives. That it is some kind of power on its own to be able to accept our loss and keep going.
She does not know how every step aches after losing her or how little I care what becomes of my carcass out here in the woods. Nothing matters because she was everything. Without her, our son would not exist, I would’ve wandered alone forever, and Aegeris may have finally died off for good.
Now, I am a shattered male stuck in Shifter form, living on fish from the river. I have not gone home like Zorin asked.
A day has passed since he left. The silence is more peaceful now. I’m not tense and looking around every treetrunk and boulder, expecting to encounter him at any moment. He isn’t around to see me fall apart. And I finally feel like I can…because he’s gone.
Wolves don’t cry. But I lay out on a rock in the sun and let go. Only my body’s inherent functions keep me breathing.
If you are still among us, goddess, take me. End me. Stop my heart. Send a venomous snake to bite me. Smite me from the skies like my mate. My son does not need me. My brother thinks he can heal what will always be broken.
For hours, I do not move.
Something sharp pokes me.
“Is he dead?”
I beg for it now.
A teenager taps my nose with the branch. I crack open an eye and growl at them, wishing to be left alone to die. Three teens flee on all fours, heading south toward their pack in the valley below.
When I rest my head back, I’m greeted by a little blue bird.
Leave me, or I’ll eat you.
The bird chirps and flutters around, taking a dust bath in a divot of the rock.
Ugh. I can’t even get a day to die in peace. The happiness of the creature disgusts me, so I get up and sulk off to the creek. I’m trying to decide if I want to drink to try drowning myself when the little bird lands on my head.
What is your problem?
I swipe at it with a paw. It just flutters out of the way then flies up the creek and back to me.
Fine. Show me whatever it is that’s so important that I can’t be allowed to die today.
I follow the bird as it flies up the hillside and lands beside a small blue egg that has fallen from a nest into a bed of moss. It chirps and hops around the egg then flies up to a branch and down again.
I cannot help you. My paws are too big. The bird repeats its pattern of hopping, circling its nest, then dropping down again.
It is a familiar pain, one that I could solve in this situation. But I don’t want to let go of my anger yet. Neither does my Shifter.
As I turn to walk away, a gust of wind curls up in my face out of nowhere. It pelts my body and tugs at my ears. It cannot come from a natural place. I am certain it is our goddess, and she is pissed at me.
Why can’t I just be left alone to grieve? I roar with all my frustration.
A root moves in the dirt, catching my foot, and sending me toppling into the ground.
As I lie in agonizing emptiness and misery, I look up at the blue sky, a thin haze of clouds over it—a perfect match to Jezza’s eyes.
I don’t know if it’s her spirit or the goddess’ that is mad at me.
Likely both. But it calms my Shifter and knocks me back into humanoid form.
It takes a moment to get my bearings back, to sit up and crawl on my hands and knees to the little blue egg.
I gather it up with a bit of extra moss, knowing it’s what the spirits of Mindor want.
Then I climb the tree with one arm and settle the egg back in the nest, adding a bit of moss to ensure it does not tumble free again.
The little bird seems happy.
I am not.
I do not like handling delicate things.
As I cling to the tree, a flash of light down in the hills catches my attention. After a moment, it leaves. But movement in the trees makes me think someone is out there.
I jump out of the tree. By the time I’ve hit the ground, I’m on all fours again.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a decent hunt. With Zorin busy picking a mate, I am the only one in this section of the mountains capable of protecting them. And something about this light has my hackles raised and my nerves pinned.
Perhaps the goddess is not done with me yet and the bird was merely a distraction to get me up here so I could see the bigger problem. She always has worked in mysterious ways.
There’s only one way to find out what’s going on.