Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
DIXIE
D ressed in bootleg jeans, my new cowboy boots and white frilled shirt, I felt every bit dressed to work. I had pumped and placed my supply into the refrigerator, labelled and ready for when Orla needed it.
“Are you sure you don't mind?” I ask Orla for what feels like the hundredth time.
“Of course not,” she smiles, snuggling Lainey, her fists in her gummy mouth.
Teething is hitting my sweet girl hard and I can't wait till her teeth fully break. Not sure why I am wishing that on myself, because once the bottom ones break, the tops follow soon after.
Well, that's what my mom forums say anyway.
“Okay, so I think I have covered everything when it comes to her routine, I mean, you probably know most of it anyway,” and I am fully aware that I am rambling, but I am nervous. I have never left her before, and sure, I know I am only going to the ranch to work, but it still feels a little too far.
“Any problems, I will come find you,” she gives me a reassuring nod, and my heart races under my skin. Lainey is babbling, eyes all glassy and wide. She's so precious. Chubby little arms and legs. Brown curly hair, long dark lashes. She is perfection.
I glance up at the time, it's seven-fifty.
“Okay, it's time for me to get to work then,” and I half laugh, half choke on my intake of breath. I had never worked on a ranch. Didn't even know how to ride a horse so this was going to be a bundle of fun.
“You will do great sweetie, dinner will be served at five. Chicken pot pie with creamed mashed potato and greens, sound good?” she asks, bouncing a fussing Lainey.
“Sounds perfect,” I nod, stepping towards Orla with Lainey and placing a soft kiss to the top of her head. “Mommy loves you honey,” I whisper, because speaking out loud feels too much. I feel silly for getting teary eyed, I am literally just outside.
It doesn't matter what I keep telling myself, a tear rolls down my cheek.
Swiping it away, Lainey reaches out for me and I grasp her little hand in mine, kissing it tenderly.
“Mommy will be back soon okay? Orla...” I feel strange calling her that, “Orla will be looking after you.” Not sure why I am having a conversation with my six-month-old, but I felt like I should tell her, so she knew I wasn’t leaving her for good.
My eyes lift to Orla, she gives a warm smile. She would be such a good nanna.
“Okay, I’m going to go,” I smile, leaning up and ignoring the way my heart aches heavy inside my chest.
“I normally do lunch around noon, sometimes the boys eat in the bunkhouse, sometimes they don't eat at all. No pressure to come back to the house, but it'll be made up if you do want it.”
I give a shallow nod and have to walk out the door before I change my mind on this whole working thing.
The sweet breeze dances across my skin, my head tips back slightly and I inhale.
When I let my eyes open, I see Riggs walking towards me. Cockiness painted all over his face.
“At least you're early,” he tips his hat and I roll my eyes.
“Where do you want me?” I ask, placing my own hat on my head and walking down the steps of the porch to stand in front of my boss, hands on my hips.
“The stables need to be cleaned, the vet and farrier are coming at noon. You'll need to help them. I'll come and check on you around two. We're just about to go down and fix the fence line and then the sign that some out of towner crashed into...” his lips twitch and I can't fight the smile that spreads across my lips.
“Yea, sorry about that,” I shrug, fisting my hands into the back pockets of my jeans. “What happened to the fence?” I find myself asking, eyes on Riggs.
“Not sure, seems tampered with but can't work out for what reason,” he shrugs back at me, turning and leading me towards the stables. “You ride?” he asks as I try to keep up with his long strides.
“No,” I admit, feeling a little shameful really. A pink blush crept onto my cheeks.
He stops in his tracks, turning to face me. Dressed in a long sleeved black crew neck, dirty Levi’s and heavy black boots.
“You fuckin' kidding me?” he smirks, but his eyes are dark and thunderous.
“No,” I say again but this time it comes out in a squeak.
“Fuck,” he scrubs his face, exasperation leaving him as the seconds tick by. On a groan, he turns on his heel and continues walking down the dusty trail towards the stables.
Stepping over the metal threshold, my eyes glance at the large stables in front of me.
“How many horses do you have?”
“At the moment,” his voice is low, as he picks up a broom and continues walking down the concrete path between stalls, “fifteen.”
“You want more?”
“We have a couple of mares that we want to put for foaling this year, so hoping to get a few more,” he smiles, twisting and handing me the broom.
“Start here in Travis’ stall,” he hooks the stall door back, “then work your way down on the left side. That should keep you going until Harlow and Conrad arrive.”
I knew of Harlow.
But I never met her.
She's the same age as Aspen. Always seemed nice enough in school.
“Right,” I nod, wrapping my fingers a little tighter around the broom handle.
“Obviously, if you need to erm...” he pauses for a moment, cheeks a little crimson as he wraps his hand around the back of his neck. He feels awkward and I am relishing in this.
“What?” I goad.
“You know, if you need to attend to...”
“Lainey,” I smile. I could easily drop the conversation.
“Lainey, then you can just go. You don't need to ask my permission and shit.”
“Noted,” I give a firm nod but inside happiness blooms in my chest. Makes me wonder if Tripp said something to him.
“Okay, any problems then come find one of us. We'll be down the bottom field. Takes a while on a horse... will take even longer walking,” he tilts his hat towards me then disappears towards the exit of the stables.
The stables are large, shaped like an L. The stalls are all pretty big and the hay store is next door, but the stables have a built-in archway so you can slip in there from here.
I watch as Riggs disappears and once he is gone, I get to work. I have four hours to clean out ten stalls on this side, then I can carry on with the right side once Harlow and Conrad get here.
Hitting the broom head onto the concrete, I get to work.
Slowly standing up, I wipe the sweat from my brow. I've managed eight stalls, which honestly, I don't think is bad going. My boobs are solid and beginning to ache. I need to pump. Placing my hand over them, I wince.
I turn around and focus on the large clock that hangs at the back of the stables, it's just before twelve.
Placing the pitchfork next to the broom, I step out of the stall to see Tripp walking in with a horse. He notices me straight away.
Slowing his steps, his lips tug at one corner, but his eyes are like stones as he stares at me. I am aware I look a mess.
My braids are messy, strands loose. Brow sweaty and three shirt buttons undone.
The closer he gets, the more I struggle to catch my breath.
Something about him being all dirty and sweaty does things to me that it shouldn't.
But there is nothing there between me and Tripp anymore.
“You okay?” He calls out, brows furrowed as he loops the leading rein through the hoop on the stall wall.
“Yup, just need to pop up to the house, but don't want to go until Conrad and Harlow are here,” I say, brushing a loose strand of my dark hair off my face.
His eyes drift down, eyes widening slightly when they land on my chest.
Slowly slipping my arm across my body, he turns away from me.
Fuck.
The sound of tires fill the stables, overriding any tension that was once brewing between me and Tripp.
Two doors slam and that’s when I see them.
Harlow and Conrad.
Harlow is pretty. Light brown hair, long, brushed off her face in a high ponytail. Slender body, dressed in a tee and jeans. Cream cap on her head.
Conrad places his hand in Tripp’s, giving it a firm shake. Messy brown hair, floppy kind of. Thick denim covered thighs nestled in dirty chaps. Deep brown eyes that would consume you in one. Whole. Killer jaw, perfect smile and that's when he catches me staring.
Glistening eyes, lips parting a little wider as his gaze roams up and down my body.
“Who's the new girl?” he smirks, eyes not lifting from me as he asks Tripp and I watch as Harlow rolls her eyes.
“I'm Dixie,” I step forward, holding my hand out for him to take, which he does, gladly.
“Dixie,” my name rolls off his tongue a little too easily and I feel myself blush.
Damn. I needed to pull myself together.
“I'm Harlow,” she says, pushing past Conrad and giving me a wide grin.
“Hi Harlow,” I hold my hand up.
She turns and strolls towards the pretty chestnut.
“Hey, Amber.”
Ah, a mare.
Harlow runs her hand down her neck as her and Tripp fall into conversation.
“Are you here for Amber too?” I find myself asking Conrad and he shakes his head from side to side.
“Nah, I'm here for Raff. Riggs should be bringing her down any minute.” I give a shallow nod as if I know who Raff is. “So, how long you been working here?” he asks, leaning against the stall.
“Today's my first day. Just helping me out until I am back on the road again. I crashed my car at the top of the ranch, the Rivera's took me in and said I could stay until I was ready.”
“Flying visit then?”
“Something like that,” I smile and that's when I hear Tripp talking to Harlow about Austin.
“I'm really worried about him Tripp, I don't know what else I can do. He is pulling away from me...”
Harlow and Austin, dating. Noted.
I take that as my cue to leave.
“I'll be back shortly,” I say to the stables, not that anyone really listens but I felt it was the right thing to do. Lowering my head as I walk past Conrad, I don't miss the sultry look he gives me. I have a feeling Conrad is a bit of a player and I am not into that.
But I would be lying if I said I didn't like the small bit of attention I received from him.
It had been a while since anyone had looked at me the way he did. It felt nice.
Ignoring the eyes that were burning into the back of my skull, I keep my legs moving towards the house. Climbing the steps, I push through the door and peak inside the kitchen. It's empty. Moving to the living room, I see Orla and Lainey sitting on the rug on the floor, stacking blocks.
Her eyes lift from my daughter to me, and she gives me a smile.
“All okay?” I mouth, and she gives me a thumbs up. I am mindful not to let Lainey see me. I have no idea how she has been since I have been out, but I didn't want to rock the boat now. “I'm just going to pump,” I whisper and she gives me a soft wink. Kicking my boots off, I move upstairs and into my room.
Fumbling with my buttons, relief swarms me when the material is not suffocating me. My boobs are spilling from my bra, hard and swollen and I cannot wait to pump. Standing, I search my room for the pump and that's when I realize I left it downstairs on the sink drainer.
“Fuck,” I whisper to myself.
My head tips back and I ignore the irritation that is currently coursing through my veins.
Sighing heavily, I walk towards my bedroom door, fingers grabbing the fold of my shirt to cover myself when Tripp walks into the room, us bumping into each other and knocking me back. He falls on top of me, hands pressed on the floor either side of my head.
“Oh fuck,” he calls out, our bodies pressed together, and my eyes widen as they bounce between his. He pushes up, lazily dragging his gaze over my heaving chest.
I scramble up, pulling my shirt across my body once more to cover myself.
“What were you doing bursting in here like a mad man?” My brows are pinched as I push myself up, hands behind me, elbows bent.
“I just...” he licks his lips, all panty and his eyes are flitting.
“Just what?”
“You and Conrad, I didn't like it.”
“There was nothing not to like, he introduced himself, I introduced myself,” I throw my hand in the air, that irritation that I once felt was slowly building back up.
“He looked at you like he wanted you,” he snaps, and I can't help but laugh at how stupid he sounded.
“And!?” I shriek, waiting for him to answer but before he can I snap, “He looked like a player,” I shake my own head and push to my knees.
Tripp’s eyes soften slightly, mouth opening and then closing.
“He used to date Aspen,” he tells me.
“Okay?” No idea why he is telling me this.
Nothing.
I am confused. Fully. I have no idea what he thought he saw but it really was nothing.
“Are we done here?” I go to walk away, and he meets me, toe to toe.
His green eyes draw me in every damn time, but still he keeps quiet.
“Okay, cool, because I really need to go pump,” I nudge my shoulder into him as I begin to walk downstairs. He is hot on my heels.
Ignoring him, I move towards the kitchen, and I am grateful that Orla has taken Lainey away from the living room as she definitely would have heard me. Grabbing my pump from the drainer, I turn to look at him, eyes ablaze with some kind of fury masked with irritation.
He is following me like a lost puppy and the more he follows, the more he annoys me. Climbing the stairs, I hear the sound of his boots when I turn around on the step and face him. He is two down, but our eyes are level.
“Go away Tripp, why are you still here?”
I watch him. Watch as his expression changes. Hard to soft. Wound up to relaxed.
He says nothing. Again.
So I turn and head to my room, slamming the door behind me.
Walking back into the stables and feeling a lot more comfortable and definitely not as irritable as I was half an hour ago, I see Conrad shoeing a dark brown horse.
I scan the room, Harlow and Tripp are nowhere to be seen.
Not entirely sure why, but the thought of Tripp not being here disappoints me.
I try to walk past Conrad unnoticed, but I fail.
“You're back.”
“I am,” my voice a little higher, a small smile playing on my lips, but I continue walking to where I left my barrow, broom and fork.
“Did you fancy getting a drink with me one night?” He calls out, his voice echoing down the stalls, and I stop in my tracks as I turn to face him.
“I'm not into dating at the moment...” my voice trails off.
“Who said anything about a date?” his head cocks to the side, a stupid ass grin on his face.
“I... erm,” shit, I feel like a fool. My cheeks flame, burning as I stare at him.
“Just a drink,” he counters, stepping closer to me.
“I don't think that's such a good idea...” I shrink back against the wall. I'm not good in situations like this. His face softens and it's like he feels sorry for me almost. Am I that readable?
“Okay okay,” he stops in his tracks, and I swear it’s because he saw a flash of fear strike through my eyes, he holds his hands up. “I didn't mean to scare you.”
“You didn't,” I laugh it off.
“Well, your face says different,” he smirks, his eyes raking over my body.
“I'm just not very good at things like...” I pause, moving my finger between the both of us, “this.”
He says nothing, just stands as if he is waiting for me to explain. But I don't.
“Not a problem, the offer will always be there...” he reaches for my hand and scoops it into his as he brushes his lips across the back.
“Thank you,” I give a courteous nod before he turns away and I sigh, a deep painful sigh as I watch him walk away. “What an idiot,” I mutter to myself, turning on my heel and losing myself in horse manure and fresh bedding.
Walking through the door at four p.m., I am wrecked. Boobs are full again and I'm miserable. I trudge my achy legs up the stairs and I hear Lainey giggling from the bathroom. Pushing the door two, I see Orla on her knees bathing my daughter. Bubbles fill the tub, and she watches in awe at the way they move and float through the air as Orla blows them from her palm.
My heart throbs in my chest.
This is what Lainey deserves. A Nanna that loves her like Orla does.
I step back, not wanting to intrude on their moment and sink into my bedroom. I flop down on the bed; I just needed a couple of minutes. I feel suddenly overwhelmed. I'm tired. I know that. It's been a busy day and sure, I've spent the day cleaning stalls out but I'm not used to being on my feet all day. Not used to lugging heavy barrows of manure and hay up the manure hill.
I didn't see anyone apart from Tripp, Conrad and Harlow and they were flying visits.
My mind whirls and my chest caves in. Memories of my childhood flash before my eyes and I don't want to go back there. Not today.
A soft knock on the door has me resting onto my elbows to look at the door and I see Tripp standing there, dirty and grubby, and I ignore the way my stomach knots at the sight of him. The way my heart beats a little quicker in my chest.
“Hey,” he says quietly, boot in the door as if testing to see whether I will invite him in or not.
“Hey,” I breathe, sitting up a little more.
“You okay?” I can hear the concern in his voice, did Conrad tell him I freaked a little. How embarrassing.
“Tired,” I smirk, one corner of my lips lifting a little higher.
“I bet,” he smiles back and I don't miss the way his green eyes glisten.
“Everything alright?” I ask, not quite sure what his reason for being here is, not that I mind him being here... it just feels a little weird.
“We're heading down to the Dusty Old Boot tonight... didn't know if you fancied coming? We normally go on Fridays but...” he trails off.
“The funeral,” I nod, licking my lips.
“Yeah...” one hand is still on the handle of my door, the other curls around the back of his neck.
“I mean, it would be nice but I also need to check with your mom... she's had Lainey all day... and I need to feed her because...” I look down at my chest and sigh.
“We won't be heading out till about eight, would that work or…?”
“Like I said, I need to check with your mom,” and he looks away from me, also a little disappointed maybe.
“Do you need to pump?” he asks, and his question has my lips parting. “It's on the drainer... I don't mind getting it for you.”
I would try and hold out for Lainey's bedtime, but that's four hours and I don't think I have another four hours in me.
So I just give him a nod.
“I'll go grab it,” he thumbs behind him and disappears downstairs.
I fall back into my bed and I feel wetness dampen my cheek.
I'm not alone long when I hear footsteps and giggling.
“Shall we go and find mommy,” Orla says in a baby voice, Lainey squeals.
I wipe my eyes and sit up, plastering a huge smile on my face just as Lainey's head pops around the door.
“There she is!” Orla says with excitement lacing her voice and Lainey's blue eyes light up, her legs kicking in excitement.
“Sweet girl,” I murmur, standing as I scoop a freshly bathed Lainey into my arms, pressing my lips to the top of her head as I inhale her scent. Honey and oats.
“How are you sweetheart, how was your day?” Orla asks as she loiters in the doorway.
“Good,” I smile, I’m not lying completely but... “How was Lai?—”
“Here we go,” Tripp barrels through the door interrupting us, Orla snaps her head around to look at her son who is holding part of my breast pump.
“Thanks,” my cheeks redden, and I watch as Orla's lips twist into a smile.
“Not a problem,” he rushes out before disappearing.
“Oh, Tripp!” I call out, and he is back in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe.
“Yeah?” His brows raise.
“Any news on my car?” and I watch as his shoulders sag.
“I spoke to Rusty earlier, needs a few more days.”
I give a little nod and with that, he turns and walks away.
Lainey snuggles into me and my God I have missed her.
“How did you get on?” I ask the question that I wanted to before Tripp walked in.
“We got on perfectly. I can't wait for tomorrow,” she beams, and Lainey begins fussing, hands grabbing at my top.
“I'm going to feed her I think, give her a bottle before bed,” I say my thoughts aloud. Not sure why.
“She has a diaper on, I put her fresh sleepsuits away,” she smiles before turning on her heel and walking out the room. “Oh, and supper will be dished up shortly,” and with that she disappears downstairs.
Holding a now fussing Lainey, I use one hand to unbutton my shirt just enough to be able to slip my nursing bra down and she latches on; the relief I feel in an instant makes my head fall back.
Heavy footsteps pull my attention and Tripp is back in the door, head down as if he isn't allowed to look at me.
“You don't have to duck your head,” I say and try not to laugh.
“I didn't want to stare,” his voice is quiet.
I scoff.
Lowering my eyes to my daughter, I brush my free hand over her soft hair and my heart thumps in my chest with so much love.
“I spoke to my mom...”
Snapping my head around to look at him, my eyes narrow on him.
“Tripp,” his name comes out more as a whine.
“She said she'll watch Lainey,” his head is dipped once more. He knows he fucked up.
“It’s not your place to ask. She is my child Tripp. What if I didn't want to leave her? What if your mom felt obliged because you asked her?”
I let my questions linger in the air for a moment more.
“It wasn't your place to ask. I said I would... now it makes me look cowardly and that I have sent you down to do it for me.”
Anger rattles inside of me.
“Not at all, it wasn't like that,” he tries to defend himself, his voice a little louder.
I turn away from him and ignore the sting of angry tears.
“Come?” he asks so delicately, it pulls on my heart strings.
“I'm not sure...”
He gives a heavy nod and then walks back out of the room without another word to pass his lips.
“Oh, baby girl, what am I going to do,” I sigh.