Chapter 44
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
coffee
REY
“Go away,” I shout, although my voice is raspy. I haven’t used it for anything but crying and screaming into my pillow for days. I don’t even know how many.
The knocking doesn’t stop.
“I’m coming in.”
It’s Xander.
He was here earlier at some point, but I pretended to be asleep. It’s been impossible to speak to anyone without breaking down, and I really don’t want to keep crying. It hurts too much.
Eyes open, I see Mark. Eyes closed, I see Mark.
I can smell him on my clothes and on my pillow, and it makes my chest ache so much I need to roll into a ball.
What makes it even worse (in addition to Mum’s cruel words), Kirsten messaged saying I can’t work for her anymore.
Nia messaged after I missed her second call—I’ve lost my job as an intern.
And probably my new friends at Infinio with it. What do they think of me now?
I have nothing left.
The mattress dips from Xander’s weight as he sits down behind my back. I feel his hand rest on top of my shoulder.
“Can you eat something at least? You haven’t touched a thing in two days. I’m worried about you.”
“I had some water.”
“Please, Rey, there’s buttered toast downstairs. Or I can bring it up here.”
“I can’t eat,” I whisper. “I can’t breathe.”
It starts again. The fucking crying.
“Oh, Rey,” Xander says, and leans down on me.
“I feel like I’m cut in half and hollowed out,” I say through sobs and turn to accept the hug my brother is trying to give me. I break down, burying my face in his shoulder.
He holds me like that for I don’t know how long.
Staring up at the ceiling, I realise now that I’m quite hungry. Xander managed to force some toast in me at some point over the last few days, but my stomach is proper rumbling now.
I shuffle down the stairs to find something to eat.
Everything is so quiet. Xander must be at work.
I peek out the window of the kitchen. No one’s there.
Apparently, the press was outside all week, but I’ve not moved from my room, so I haven’t had to deal with them.
Poor Xander. He says no one at his work gives a shit, so he’s fine, and I hope it’s true.
I pull my pyjama bottoms up from low on my hips. Huh, these used to be on the tighter side.
The display on the smart thermostat in the hallway says it’s Tuesday. I’ve been out of it for a week and a day. Beanie trots over to me. It’s as if he’s tentative with me, just like Xander. Maybe he can sense the sadness.
Boof.
“You’re right, Beanie. I need to eat. Let’s get some butter, shall we?”
He pants happily and shuffles over to his bowl that’s already full.
“What am I supposed to do now, Beanie?”
I’m back to square one. Worse, actually, at least I had my K-Models job at square one. Now, I’ll probably be unemployable by another modelling agency until the internet has forgotten.
Fuck. I squeeze my eyes shut, holding back the burning tears again. Beanie huffs from below, and I blink my eyes open.
He looks up at me from his food and snorts before he turns his attention back to his breakfast. Or lunch. I’m not sure.
The clock on the wall above me suggests it’s more like a late lunch.
I stand here for a minute, staring out the window. Trying not to think about Mark. Willing my brain to be blank.
The coffee machine catches my eye, so I busy myself with making a cup even though I don’t want to drink it. The black liquid trickles into the mug, and I stare at it without really looking at it.
I need to get out of the house.
Beanie is happy to be strapped into his harness, knowing we’re going out. I find my biggest sunglasses and borrow one of Xander’s massive hoodies to hide in. It doesn’t matter who’s out there, but I don’t want them to see my puffy eyes and grey skin.
I’ve not looked at my phone since Nia’s message late last Monday (D-Day), and I brave it while walking through Victoria Park with Beanie and his cute turkey butt wagging in front of me. He sniffs along the path, and I open the message app.
There are messages from numbers I don’t know. I ignore them all.
Disappointingly, there’s nothing from Mark, but I didn’t really think he would be in touch after breaking it off. I shake the train of thought away immediately and continue down the list.
Biting down, not sure what to expect, I open the thread with Dad.
My darling daughter please call, Xander told me everything
Rey, I am outraged with your mother, please know that I wholeheartedly disagree with everything Xander told me she said.
You are my gem. I’m sorry I haven’t told you this.
There is no excuse. I’ve been blind. I didn’t know your mother treated you like this all these years.
I feel terrible and I hope you will forgive me.
You truly are magnificent and I don’t want you to change.
I decide to answer him right away although I can hardly see the screen through the tears flooding my eyes. This is the most emotion he’s shared with me, and I’ll not take it for granted.
Hi Dad, sorry, I’ve not been on my phone. Your words mean the world to me. Thank you. I love you so much. I’ll call you later, okay?
Don’t worry about me, I’m glad you’re texting now
Is it as bad as Mum said? The family?
Not for me. I don’t know what your aunts are saying, though. You know how they are. Don’t think about it. I’ll come for dinner this weekend, okay?
Ok
Next, I open the group message with Kaia, Tolu, and Noor, the feeling of dread not as strong after my dad’s words of encouragement.
Kaia: I’m sorry
What the hell is she apologising for?
Tolu: Miss you, it’s weird here without you
From yesterday:
Noor: Hey… Been a crazy week here
Noor: Have you heard Silas was fired? He left us that night and ran after you, he was going to make sure you got back safe. I thought he was being nice.
Noor: They say he was the one who took the photos!! Last to enter the building after you. Apparently legal team is all over it
Kaia: I’m sorry I didn’t stop him. The others didn’t know what he did to you before. I wasn’t aware of what was going on around me.
Kaia: I should’ve paid more attention, I knew he was obsessed with you
Silas took the photos? What the fuck? I’d be angrier if I had any energy left in me to feel at all.
From this morning:
Kaia: The world is grey without you, Rey, please promise you’ll stay in our lives
Noor: Come live with us!
Kaia: You can take Tolu’s room (for free), they stay in Noor’s all the time anyway
I read the last ones out loud and chuckle. “That’s nice, isn’t it, Beanie?”
Boof.
Maybe it would be good with a change of scenery. I believe they live in colourful Camden. Although they still work at Infinio. Is it too close to Mark?
Nia has messaged asking how I am. Kirsten has messaged asking if we can still be friends, which is a huge relief. Even some of my old friends have reached out, but I’m too embarrassed to open those. I can only imagine what they think of me, and I don’t want it confirmed.
I sigh. A long, loud sigh into the warm summer air.
How the fuck am I supposed to get back on top? Well, I was never really on top, but how in the bloody hell am I going to get out of this hole?
Beanie leads me to the edge of the park, and I smell the scent of freshly ground coffee.
“Bean, let’s go to the cafe,” I say, as if he knows. “Life sucks, but at least I can have cake.”
Standing in the queue, waiting for them to make everyone’s coffees, I see the handwritten posters.
Baristas needed. Training provided.
“That must be a sign, Beanie, don’t you think?” I whisper to him, and he opens his mouth in what I like to think is a smile and hangs his tongue out. “That’s right. Let’s do this, Bean. One step at a time.”