10. Lila
CHAPTER 10
Lila
Driving down the long winding gravel road into Silver Hill Ranch was like coming home again.
Seeing it after all these years made my heart want to skyrocket out of my chest like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The trip to the ranch was about a fifteen-minute drive out of town, but the anticipation of seeing Amelia made the drive feel as if a whole hour had gone by. River pointed out every cow we saw on the way. If he wasn’t doing that, then he was asking if we were almost there. At least he was excited about this.
A while back, it took some getting used to leaving River with a babysitter when I had to go to work. There were tears and small arguments—where River insisted on coming with me—but eventually it became easier after I explained why I had to leave him for a bit. It was hard leaving him in the beginning.
I was lucky that River liked Desmond right off the bat, otherwise this would have been a different situation entirely.
After Travis and I parted ways, knowing we’d likely see each other again at the bar tonight, I headed for the coffee shop to get Amelia and Desmond muffins before driving over to the ranch.
Our conversation kept replaying in my mind. Along with what had led to us going our separate ways four years ago.
As I pulled up to the two-story log house sitting in the heart of Silver Hill, I heard the Bronco’s big tires crunch the gravel when we came to a stop in front of the house. I peered out the window, staring at the wraparound porch decorated with ceramic pots of colorful flowers and log chairs.
“Are we here?” River asked. I caught his reflection in the rearview mirror as he popped his head around from behind my seat. The curiosity written all over his little round face was the opposite of how I felt. What was with me? I was practically trembling with nerves.
What if this was all one big mistake?
What if I was imposing on them and they were just too nice to say no? Because they pitied me. Because they thought I was failing River…
Stop it.
I took in a steadying breath, pushing all the thoughts flooding my head with hurtful words that weren’t entirely mine.
“It’s gonna be okay,” I murmured to myself. I cleared my throat and spoke as cheerfully as I could. “Yep, we’re here. You ready?”
“Uh-huh! Let’s go see the horses!”
I cemented my hope that this was a good thing as I hopped out of the Bronco.
All of the Adlers had been nothing but kind to me, but if River was uncomfortable with anyone in that house, I wouldn’t make him stay. I wouldn’t force him around anyone who made him visibly uncomfortable.
Helping River out and holding his hand in mine, we made our way up the steps of the porch. And then the front door opened.
A beautiful woman with honey blonde hair just above her shoulders and a wide smile stepped out. Amelia Adler was as stunning as she’d been when I first met her. The scent of brown sugar and freshly baked cookies reached my nose as she stepped onto the porch.
“Hello there! It’s so good you’re here, I was about to send Desmond out to look for you if you got turned around on the way over.”
“I had some car trouble when I left the store in town,” I told her.
Amelia frowned. “Oh? Should I call Finn over to have a look? He’s pretty good with cars.”
“Oh, no. That’s all right. I just needed a jump start. I actually ran into Travis there and he helped me.”
Her gray eyes seemed to light up. “I see. Good. I raised him right, then. And you look as beautiful as always, Lila.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Adler.”
“How many times do I have to tell you to call me Amelia? Now come over here.” Before I could say anything else, Amelia’s arms wrapped around me, and she pulled me into a strong embrace. She swayed us from side to side as River moved to hug my leg while he watched us.
Shaking away the momentary surprise, I wrapped my free arm around her back and reciprocated the hug. Amelia held me tight, and I was reminded of how strong she’d always been, never holding anything back when it came to her bone crushing hugs, but I didn’t mind. I knew what this moment meant to her—to both of us. Breaking up with Travis was one of the hardest decisions I’d ever had to make, because I knew it included severing my ties with the rest of his family—and that was a deep cut I’m not sure I ever truly healed from .
Irene might have given birth to me and been present in my formative years of childhood, but Amelia Adler was a mom through and through. To this day I don’t remember ever seeing the woman be anything but kind and warm to her children. She was the mother I never had but always wanted.
When she finally let me go, it was only to lean back and get a good look at me. “It’s so good to see you again, Lila.”
“You too,” I rasped before she hugged me one more time.
“I think you might crack one of Lila’s ribs if you’re going to keep hugging her like that, Milly.” Desmond chuckled as he joined us on the porch with an amused grin, taking us in before winking at River. Seeing the grin on Desmond’s face, I was instantly reminded of Travis. They both looked so much alike that I couldn’t help but think about him again, watching me with those breathtaking blue eyes that saw right through me.
I never understood how he could do that—know me better than anyone. Sometimes I think he knew me better than I knew myself.
We were going to try to be friends again. That’s what we both agreed to do, and as much as it terrified me to open myself up to him again, I always felt there was a big part of me missing for four years. But how could I let myself have any of those things when I had to make River my top priority?
My fears were a constant reminder of my own mother’s failures which could so easily become my own if I stumbled even once. Okay, maybe I wasn’t doing a great job now after losing my job. But I was trying. No matter how tired I was, I knew that I was at least doing the one thing Irene never bothered doing in the first place.
So why didn’t that feel like enough ?
“I just got a little carried away,” Amelia said, pulling me out of my spiraling thoughts.
I forced a smile as she stepped back before crouching down to greet River. He gave her one of his shy waves before burying his face against my leg, rubbing his nose against the fabric of my dark jeans.
Amelia beamed. “There are freshly baked cookies in the kitchen for you and your sister. I just made them this afternoon. Do you like sweets, River?”
River nodded.
“Wonderful, what’s your favorite type of cookie?”
River hummed, really thinking about his answer before saying, “Chocolate chip.”
I nearly rolled my eyes at his answer. It didn’t matter what it was—so long as it had chocolate chips, River was eating it.
“Well, what do you know?” Amelia rose to stand beside Desmond. “I happen to have about a dozen chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen just for you. Come on in.”
River smiled shyly as he took Amelia’s offered hand and followed her into the kitchen, sparing me a glance to see if I would follow. He only looked away when Desmond placed a hand on my shoulder and led me inside. I had to swallow another bout of nerves as I stepped into their home, hit with a wave of nostalgia that I couldn’t quite prepare for.
“Nothing’s changed,” I murmured as I walked with Desmond down the hall and past the stairs that led to the second floor, past the wall decorated with a handful of frames filled with family photos of the Adlers.
“You know us, we like to keep things pretty much the same around here.”
“It’s nice,” I said, not wanting Desmond to think I was judging in any way. I paused at the threshold leading into the kitchen when I caught sight of Amelia and River having a conversation. Her hand was on his back as he sat on the counter while munching down on a chocolate chip cookie. His little legs swinging back and forth.
“You know, one of our mares had a foal a few weeks ago. His coat is all brown except for a white spot right on the bridge of his nose. Would you like to meet him sometime?” Amelia asked him.
“Can I really see the horses?” he asked, forgetting all about being shy when excitement won out and his love for horses triumphed over everything else.
“Of course, you can. And if you want, you can see all the horses every day when you come to visit. Would you like that?”
“Yeah!” River chuckled, looking to me with big eyes that struck me right through the heart. “Lila, I’m going to see a horse!”
Amelia looked up at me then and smiled when I mouthed a grateful “ thank you.” And with that, all my doubts about leaving River here went out the window.
After River said he for sure wanted to stay with Amelia while I went to work, I went to the Bronco to grab his backpack, blanket, and the muffins I’d bought from the coffee shop. That was when my cellphone started ringing. I pulled it out of my pocket to see my mother’s name pop up. That was the third call today.
I stared at the screen until the ringing stopped. At war between answering or blocking her number all together, while knowing that I’d never truly do the latter. It was always the same thing. Face her again or run away. Both seemed terrifying for different reasons. And I just didn’t know what to do. I’d done this song and dance with Irene too many times to know exactly what the outcome of our conversations could be.
She asked for money until I gave it. Or I told her no and she got mean. In the end, neither of us were happy.
When my phone didn’t ring again, I blew out a breath and got back to what I was doing.
I only made it as far as the porch with all the things in my hands before Desmond took them from me, ignoring my protests.
Sighing, I followed him back into the house until I couldn’t help but glance at one of frames on the wall. Standing in front of the main house was the entire Adler family. My eyes immediately snagged on Travis standing to Desmond’s left, a grin on his lips as he stared at the camera. He looked much younger so I knew the photo must have been taken years ago.
His arm was wrapped around a young woman with long blonde hair and a bright smile—Wren. Last I heard, Travis’s little sister got a job out of Wyoming as a horse trainer. She was as beautiful as Amelia. Like a painting you’d see in a museum. She was also Finn’s fraternal twin. Finn stood to Amelia’s right, the youngest of the two brothers sported a goofy grin of his own that was as genuine as the kid in the photo.
Staring at the photo now, they all looked…happy. All smiles and full of love.
Complete.
“We really should take another picture one of these days.” I startled as Desmond walked out of the kitchen and spotted me. “Amelia loves to take one every year in the summer. Says it’s good to take one that way we can see how we all get wrinkles and grays in our hair. I think she just likes to force the kids to smile in front of a camera. ”
I smiled and teased, “Sounds like torture to me.”
Desmond’s eyes softened as they focused on me. “I’m glad you decided to bring River here. Taking care of another kid will make Amelia happy. She likes the noise in the house. Ever since our own kids grew up and started to get lives of their own, the house tends to get a little too quiet.”
“Well, River is quite energetic, so I doubt there will be much peace and quiet when he’s here. Thank you again for this. I…” I really needed this. I couldn’t bring myself to admit those words out loud. Try as I did, I couldn’t get past how admitting I needed help always felt like admitting defeat.
Desmond patted my shoulder. “I know. That’s why we offered.”
His words nearly brought tears to my eyes.
The sound of a door opening kept me from losing it completely, thankfully. Footsteps trudged down the hall and we both turned in time to spot a familiar man wearing a ball cap, a gray t-shirt smeared in what I hoped was mud, and a pair of faded Wranglers. He stopped as soon as he spotted us, his gray eyes widening before a big grin spread across his lips. “Well, I’ll be damned. Our very own Lila North in the flesh.”
“Hi, Finn.” I waved as he walked our way. In a few long strides he was towering over me, the same way Travis and Desmond did. Muscles lined his tattooed arms beneath his shirt, making the fabric stretch as he folded them across his chest, clearly earned after years of working on the ranch. “You look good.”
Two dimples appeared when his smile widened. “You must remember how I love a good compliment. Please keep flattering me, don’t hold back. It does wonders for my confidence.” He winked before giving me a quick side hug .
“Because you’re clearly lacking in that department, son,” Desmond grunted, clapping his son’s back in a greeting.
Finn got swept up in banter with his father before turning and heading into the kitchen in search for Amelia. I made to join them when another picture on the wall caught my eye.
It made me stop in my tracks.
My reflection blurred in the glass as my eyes fixated on a younger version of myself sitting beneath the willow tree with Travis sitting right next to me. I’d never seen this picture before. It made my heart clench painfully in my chest.
And just like that, the memories came in full swing.
“You want to see something?” Travis asked when we finally pulled away from each other.
“S-sure.” I giggled when he kissed me one more time before telling me to stay put. Then he was jogging around the truck until I couldn’t see him, but I could hear him moving around. Opening one of the doors before closing it.
He took long enough that I could take a deep breath, run my hands over my hot face while I tried and failed to stop myself from smiling until my cheeks ached.
Now that we were finally alone, away from his siblings’ mischievous eyes and a curious Desi, I felt light. Like nothing and no one could burst this perfect bubble we’d created in our favorite spot on Silver Hill. Like I could kiss him and love every second of it without feeling rushed.
“Okay, all done,” he said when he made his way back over to me.
Travis reached a hand down and I took it, watching as he interlaced our fingers before tugging me around his truck to the tailgate. When he pulled it down, revealing the many quilts, blankets, and pillows on the truck bed, I felt my breath catch.
Travis said, “you always said you wanted to star gaze to see if you could catch a shooting star, remember? Figured we’d try it now.”
“You…remembered? I said that so long ago.” I looked at him, that overwhelming feeling of being seen by him hitting me all over again. It was too much. Too good for me.
He was too good for me, wasn’t he?
A cruel voice in my head—my mother’s voice—said yes . Travis Adler was too good for me, and I was a fool for letting myself get swept up in him.
“Hey.” He ran a hand up and down my arm when he noticed my mood take a dive. I could never hide anything from him, and it was as much a reprieve as it was maddening that he knew me better than my own mother did. When I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, all I saw was worry in his. “What’s wrong, darlin’?”
For a brief second, I wanted to tell Travis everything. Beg him to make this night last forever because I had no idea if Irene would be sober when I went home. Tell him how sad and afraid I’d been since he left for college before I did. Because as much as I pretended it wasn’t, my life was one big, lonely mess.
Only that it didn’t feel like one when I was on Silver Hill with his family who loved me as if I were a part of it. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t good enough when I was with Travis.
I closed my eyes for a second before I opened them and smiled at him. I didn’t want to worry him. I didn’t want to ruin this. Not tonight.
So, I grinned and said, “I like when you call me that.”
“What?” Travis’s eyes never left mine as he leaned forward and whispered, “Darlin’? ”
We got lost in our kiss. Only this time, it wasn’t slow or gentle. It was hungry and searing. He kissed me until we finally climbed up onto the truck bed and fell into the blankets and pillows he laid out just for us.
Kissing him like this felt like we were making up for lost time. All those years I felt this simmering crush threatening to bubble up to the surface. All the times he protected me from bullies in school for making jokes about my family. Or the lack of one. The unspoken what ifs between us over time that became impossible to ignore.
It was all leading up to this.
To us.
He whispered my name against my ear before he kissed my cheek and then my jaw. I gasped at the new sensation of his lips moving over my skin. When he kissed his way back up to my lips and slid his tongue over mine, I felt it then. This sudden need.
Something so powerful I couldn’t ignore it.
I moaned against him, and the moment the husky sound hit both our ears—we froze. Travis leaned back and stared at me, eyes darker than I’d ever seen them and hair a mess. He was beautiful like this. Wild and unmoored. And I had done that to him. The same way he’d made me dizzy and so unbelievably happy.
My heart was pounding in my ears as he swallowed once, probably the only sign I would get that he was as nervous as I was.
I wasn’t a fool. I knew that Travis had girlfriends before, and he most likely had sex too. But I was the total opposite. Inexperienced. Because of that, I knew Travis knew that too.
“Delilah…” he breathed.
I swallowed before whispering, “I’ve never…I don’t know what to do. ”
He nodded, his eyes raking over me and lighting my skin on fire before he said, “We don’t have to ? —”
I sat up, taking him by surprise when I said, “I want to. I want it to be you.”
If I hadn’t been blushing before I definitely was now. But funnily enough, I didn’t feel scared like I thought I’d be when I’d lose my virginity. That’s how I knew I wanted it to be him. I trusted Travis more than anyone. He made me feel safe and cared for, and I knew he always would.
When he didn’t say anything, only stared at me, I felt myself losing my nerve.
“U-unless you don’t want to because I might be bad at it,” I stammered.
Travis blew out a laugh and shook his head. “Believe me, Delilah. I’m not worried about that.” Before I could ask him what he meant by that, he added, “I just want you to be sure. You’ll tell me if you change your mind?”
My heart bloomed in my chest. Butterflies erupted in my stomach. And that need I couldn’t ignore returned.
“I trust you,” I said as I leaned forward and kissed him. Then I reached down to the buttons of my dress with shaky hands and slowly undid one at a time.
Travis watched me the whole time, his chest rising and falling faster with every button, every inch of skin I revealed to him. Before I could reach the last button below my waist, he was kissing me again. His hand sank into my hair, and he pulled me to him until we were chest to chest. Until I was straddling him, and we moved together, desperately trying to get closer. A push and pull we couldn’t resist.
He let out a sound I’d never heard him make as we became a mess of hurried kisses and hot breaths. I felt him hard between my thighs and every touch burned my skin where his hands roamed my body. I never wanted this feeling to end.
When we pulled away, he panted. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I am.”
We both laughed breathlessly before Travis’s smile slowly dropped and his eyes seemed to go molten. Then he slowly lowered me onto the blankets. Making sure my head was on one of the pillows before he leaned back on his heels and took me in. Admired me. It made me want to hide. It made me want him more than I thought I could.
And that was when I realized, what I felt for Travis wasn’t a crush or something as simple as ‘liking’ him.
I loved him.
And it scared me.
When we were done, lying on the blankets and looking up at the stars while his hand played with the strands of my hair, all I could before I drifted off to sleep was hope this feeling would last forever.