15. Lila
CHAPTER 15
Lila
The sound of my cellphone ringing woke me up at three in the morning.
I groaned and froze when I realized River was snuggled up next to me, his little hand on my stomach in a half hug. I slowly rolled onto my side to pick my phone up from the nightstand and blinked through my haze until I could make out who was calling me on the screen.
Unknown number.
Before my stupid brain could catch up with what my body was doing, I was answering the call. This is exactly why I couldn’t function if I didn’t have at least six hours of sleep. I would have loved nothing more than to get eight hours, which was the ideal amount a person should sleep, but after carrying River to bed I’d stayed up to clean the apartment since I hadn’t had a chance to before.
“Hello?” I murmured into the phone.
“Delilah,” a feminine voice sang my name into my ear. My entire body tensed, and my heart dropped. The woman on the other side of my phone sounded too familiar, and despite being exhausted, nothing could have kept me from recognizing my mother’s voice. The only difference from how she said my name now was that she wasn’t screaming it at me along with about a dozen cuss words.
I used to hate it whenever someone said my full name, just because of that. I used to flinch whenever someone said my name, expecting to be reprimanded or worse.
But Travis always loved to call me Delilah. He was the only one I let call me that and I didn’t know why, only that he didn’t say my name as if it were a burden or a disturbance to his life. Over time, I started to like the way it sounded whenever he said it, gentle and kind.
“Delilah? Are you there?” Irene asked.
“Mom?” I sat up slowly, running a hand through my hair.
I heard her release a woosh of air on the other side. “Thank god! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for the longest time!”
I knew that. It was just like her to not get the hint that I didn’t want to talk to her.
My hands started shaking but I kept my voice flat as I said, “Why are you calling?”
“Can’t a mother call her kid?” Irene’s laugh turned into a loud coughing fit, and I held my phone away from my ear.
I sighed, shoving the sheets off my legs before heading over to the bathroom. I wasn’t going to risk waking River up. I turned the light on and paced the length of the floral-patterned rug.
When she finally stopped hacking up a lung, I heard her say, “Listen, I don’t know if you got my messages, but I really need some help.”
And there it was.
The same thing that happened every time she called me. She wanted money . I was an idiot the last time I’d given her money after she wouldn’t leave me alone—just wanting her to stop—and as soon as I sent it, she’d disappeared. No more calls. No texts. No threats. No pleading.
“You see I got into a bit of trouble—I told you about Mark, right? I’m sure you two would get along whenever you end up meeting.” The mention of my mother’s newest boyfriend made my skin crawl. She’d told me about Mark the few times we talked, and it was safe to say he wasn’t the best company for her. Given my mother’s track record with men and their bad tempers alike, I suppose it was too much to hope she’d meet someone nice. Someone who wasn’t also an addict.
“Anyway, I took— borrowed —some money from him the other day and I lost it in the casino. Turns out he needed it and now he’s pissed. I have to get him the money or he’ll be a big pain in my ass.”
I was quiet.
So quiet that she hesitated before saying, “Hello?”
“I’m here.” My heart was hammering in my chest knowing exactly how the rest of this conversation was about to go. But I had to do it. “I can’t help you. I’m barely getting by as it is. You’re going to have to ask someone else you know.”
My first instinct had always been to help my mother whenever she asked for it. This time, I couldn’t bring myself to do it again. I couldn’t be that weak anymore. Couldn’t run to her aid whenever she felt like calling me. It wasn’t just me she could hurt anymore. I had River to think about.
Like the flip of a switch, my mother became a different person again. I could never get used to it no matter how many times it happened whether over the phone or in person. It made my anxiety threaten to suffocate me, waves crashing into my lungs, threatening to drown me.
“Are you fucking serious? Delilah? You’re joking, right? You did not just say no to me.”
I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from apologizing to her. The guilt that always bubbled up whenever I said no to her made my chest ache.
There was no reasoning with her after that. I listened to her call me names, insult me, scream at me—just like she always did. When I realized she wouldn’t stop anytime soon I hung up, cutting off her cruel words.
I sat on the edge of the bathtub as I lowered the phone onto my lap. The silence was awful now. Deafening and all too lonely. It became difficult to drown out the memories of my childhood. The sadness that came with them. The momentary—and partly selfish—inability to understand why she couldn’t stop . Why this was our relationship.
Tears rolled down my cheeks and I let them flow freely as I focused on inhaling and exhaling slowly. There was no controlling the overwhelming emotions, I knew that. It was better to let it all out while I was alone than lose it around River.
I was mad at myself for being so affected by my mother’s selfishness and irresponsibility. For so long I told myself to get used to the way she was, and things would get better. It wasn’t as simple as that. It wasn’t fair to have someone treat you like a convenience only to get tossed aside like a used-up rag after.
My phone rang and rang with the same unknown caller ID, but I didn’t answer.
When she didn’t stop calling after the third time, I blocked the number.
Once the tears stopped, I stood up and left my phone on the counter. I walked out of the bathroom and made my way toward the bed. River was still sleeping soundly under the comforter while he hugged his blanket close to his side. His little snores and peaceful face made more tears sting my eyes.
I crawled onto the bed and laid down next to him, placing my hand over his tummy, comforted with the fact that he was breathing. Just like I used to when he was a baby and I’d sleep in his crib with him.
When he curled into me the same way he always did whenever he’d crawl into my bed after having a bad dream, I finally managed to sleep again.
Pushing Irene as far away from my mind as I could despite the silent tears I shed for my mother.
Only for another dream of the past to come and haunt me.
My hands wouldn’t stop trembling.
Try as I did, they just wouldn’t stop.
The sound of voices around me melded into a faint echo as I stared down at my shoes. I shivered, despite Travis’s jacket warming me up.
After he’d told me what happened to my mother, we drove to the hospital. Up until an hour ago, I felt like I was momentarily floating high above the clouds. Like I was on another world with Travis where no one could reach us. For a few blissful hours, I was at peace.
Only to be woken up to face a storm.
I didn’t understand what happened. Irene had been good all week. She’d been sober and happy…different from the mother I grew up knowing. Better. What had changed?
A hand landed on my shoulder, coaxing me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see Travis watching me with a deep furrow between his brows .
“It’s going to be okay.”
“Is it?” My own voice sounded far away. Distant. “I don’t know about that anymore.” Nothing felt like it would ever be okay.
The doctor who spoke to my grandfather had said that they’d have to see if Irene would survive the night. Her boyfriend had called the ambulance after he’d found her in the bathroom, unconscious. Apparently, she’d hit her head pretty bad, along with other things the rest of the adults around me didn’t want to divulge to me. But I knew.
I knew exactly what had happened.
I also knew none of this would have happened if I hadn’t left the house tonight. All so that I could be with Travis. I knew Irene was trying to stay sober and needed my help, and yet I still…
I dropped my face into my hands, unable to keep the tears at bay anymore.
“If she doesn’t wake up ? —”
“Hey, don’t think like that.” He wrapped his arms around me and tugged me to him. His large hand smoothed down my hair and the comfort he provided for me only made this heaviness in my heart weigh me down further. “She’s going to be okay.”
We sat there until my grandfather finally came back into the waiting room to tell me that I could go in and see her. I tried to steel myself before we walked down the hall toward her room. I tried to force the tears back and not feel anything when I’d see her lying on that bed.
But all it took was one look at her pale complexion and the machines around her for me to feel sick to my stomach. I cried more than I ever had before, because I knew in that moment that my mother would never be okay.
Travis drove me home a few hours later. Neither of us spoke. I couldn’t even bring myself to hold his hand even though he held onto mine like a lifeline.
When we pulled up to my house, we sat in the truck for a long moment.
Eventually, Travis turned to face me. “I’ll take you to the hospital first thing tomorrow.”
Before he could get out of the truck, I murmured, “You don’t have to.”
He didn’t answer me as he got out and walked around to open my door. He gently took my hands and helped me out. We walked up the short steps of the porch. Irene’s boyfriend wasn’t here which I thought was one small blessing at least. We never interacted with each other, and I wanted it to stay that way.
“Thanks for driving me home,” I said, hoping he’d take that as an indication that I wanted to be alone right now. The last thing I wanted was for Travis to see me like this. He’d already seen too much.
“I’m not leaving you alone, Delilah.”
I closed my eyes before I could unlock the door.
“But I…want you to.”
The silence that stretched between us was drowned out by the rustling of dead leaves getting blown by the wind.
“Why? So you can be miserable on your own? Yeah, no.”
I turned before he could reach for me. “Please. Just go home, Travis. I really need to be alone right now. I know you hate that, but it’s what I need. I also think I need to be alone until I can figure out what to do with Irene. How to help her. I can’t do that if I’m preoccupied with other things.”
“Other things,” he repeats lowly. “Like me? Is that what you mean?
Tears stung my eyes. “I don’t know. All I know is that my mother almost died today, and I was…out all night. ”
Travis shook his head, looking almost pained. “Okay, stop. What happened tonight was not your fault.”
I forced myself to look away from him, as if by doing that he wouldn’t see the tears rolling down my cheeks. “I’ve been taking care of her my whole life, and she’s never ended up in the hospital before. Never . Because I’ve made it a point to be here. She’s even said it before, how much she depends on me to be okay.”
“Delilah.” He cupped my face to force me to look up into his pleading blue eyes, as if he was desperately trying to get through to me. Like I was shards of a beautiful stained-glass window, and he was trying to figure out how to put them all back together. “That was never fair to you. Tell me you understand that.” When I couldn’t bring myself to answer him, he said calmly, “You’re under a lot of stress right now, but tomorrow after you get some rest everything will be better. You’ll see. And you’re not alone. I’m here. My parents are here, and we’ll get through this.”
“No, I don’t need to rest. What I need…is for my mother to be okay. And I’m not sure if that will ever be possible after tonight.” My voice cracked as I admitted what I’d been thinking all night. “I should have been home. I should have been with her, instead of being selfish by being with you.”
Travis shook his head. “No. Don’t do that. This isn’t on you. This is her addiction . It’s Irene not wanting help when it was offered to her. That’s not on you. And you’re not fucking selfish for wanting to be with me or for going to college. You have every right to live your life how you want, don’t you see that?”
He pulled me into a hug and held me until I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. Until my lungs burned with the tears that I tried to force down but couldn’t. I allowed myself the chance to hug him one last time before letting him go .
And then I did the second hardest thing I’d ever had to do, because I didn’t know what to do anymore. All I knew was that I couldn’t burden him or his family with any more of my baggage. My tragically messed up life that didn’t truly feel like my own to begin with.
“I’m sorry, Travis…”