34. Lila
CHAPTER 34
Lila
I stared at the email that had just popped up in my inbox.
I scrolled to the top of the page to re-read it just to be sure before I logged out of the library computer I’d been hogging for the better part of an hour. I sat back and stared at the screensaver for a second, my hands shaking slightly as I placed them on my lap.
I did it. I sent my application.
I hadn’t told Travis where I was going today, only that I wanted to take River out to spend some quality time alone together before I went over to the apartment to get some clothes since we were spending yet another night at his place.
Luckily for me, River loved the library and he’d been perusing the children’s books we’d picked out for him on the empty seat next to me. B is for Buckaroo was his current choice, and he traced his pudgy index finger over the lines as if he could read all the words printed on the colorful page. I waited until he was done before we checked out a few books he wanted then offered to take him to the park for a bit. As eager as I was to text Travis and let him know I’d applied for the nursing program I showed him one night while we were lying in bed, I also wanted to wait until I had a definite answer.
I tried to stay positive, but a part of me was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because with my luck, it almost always did. It was an unhealthy habit of mine, and I was trying to shake it off.
Easier said than done.
What they said about childhood trauma is true; it stuck to you long into adulthood like tar, dark and sticky. Nearly impossible to remove without really digging in to scrub it all off. It wasn’t easy as that. Most times, you had to let it peel off layer by layer with work.
Try as I might, I couldn’t shake the words my mother said to me over the years. It didn’t matter if she was drunk or sober, she always threw me in with her mistakes, her failings. How could I stop hearing her words and stop them from poisoning all the good I thought I had to offer? I couldn’t do anything to forget about the damage she’d done. However, I could try to heal from it little by little.
“Lila?” River asked from the swing he was currently sitting in.
“River?” I smiled at him from my swing. There weren’t any people in the park today and given the cloudy sky, I’d say we couldn’t stay out much longer before it started raining.
“Why don’t I get to see our mom? Is she gone like grandpa?” he asked out of nowhere, taking me by surprise.
I held back a sigh, knowing this conversation was going to come eventually. I used to tell him that our mother was sick and that seemed to always answer his questions about her. But he always ended up asking about her again after a while. It was to be expected.
Sliding off the swing, I knelt in front of him. His little legs swung mid-air as he stared down at the mulch below his sneakers. I rubbed his arms and tried to say the right thing, but not quite sure what the right thing would be.
“No, she’s not gone like that, River. Remember when grandpa was sick, and we had to go to the doctor with him a lot?”
He nodded.
“Well, that’s sort of why mom isn’t here either.”
“Because she’s sick. Can we go see her?” My heart broke for this kid more than he would ever know.
I tried my best not to let him hear my voice shake. “Not until she gets better on her own, my love. Sometimes, people don’t want to get better. I know that sounds crazy, but you can’t make someone want to feel better if they don’t want to. You have to wait for them to take that step themselves. Do you understand?”
He nodded, even though he was frowning at me. It would be a long time before I’d tell him the truth about Irene and her addiction. For now, I’d try to protect him from the sad reality for as long as I could.
“Does she not want to get better because she doesn’t like me? Was I bad when I was a baby?”
If my heart wasn’t already breaking, it was absolutely shattered at his question. His bottom lip quivered, and I had to swallow the tears threatening to choke me.
“No, you weren’t bad. You’ve never been bad, River. Come here.” I pulled him down onto my lap. He wrapped his arms around me while I rocked him from side to side. I kissed his cheek. “I know it’s sad and confusing why she isn’t here. But if you ever want to know more about her, you can always ask me. You are the best thing that could have happened to me, you know that, right? I love you so much.”
“I love you too.” He sniffled against my shirt. He looked up at me with big blue eyes and said the last thing I ever expected him to say to me. “It’s okay if I don’t have a mom, Lila. Because I have you forever and ever. You can be my mom if you want.”
His words completely wrecked me. I hugged him tight so that he wouldn’t see the tears that suddenly filled my eyes, blurring my vision.
For the first time in a long time, I wished we had a mother. A real one who could hold River when he was sad, and one who encouraged me when I questioned myself. To tell me that what I was doing now was enough. Instead, I held River for a long time until the first droplets of rain started to fall from the sky.
I took River over to Desi’s place so he could play with her after the park.
Desi and River were obsessed with watching Tangled , singing along to the songs while they colored together. In between songs, Desi and I chatted for a bit about how my relationship with Travis had been developing before she told me about her city boy who apparently had been spending a few nights at her place.
She promised I’d meet him soon since he was going to stop by her work to see her sing with the band.
When I told River that it was time to go, they both begged me to let him stay so they could bake chocolate chip cookies together. I didn’t feel right making either of them sad by saying no—because Desi would guilt trip me for it—so instead I asked if she didn’t mind watching him for a bit so that I could get some cleaning done at my apartment.
Between spending all week at the ranch and sleeping at Travis’s house, I felt I was neglecting my apartment. I should probably spend more time there, stop going over to the ranch so much. A part of me hated the idea, though. I loved spending time with Travis more than I could say. Seeing him every morning when I woke up, having him hunt me down at the main house when I came to pick River up, and corner me in the stockroom to steal a kiss or two.
I loved every second of it.
I pulled up to the apartment and parked the Bronco in its usual spot right as the rain started to come down hard. I was soaked to the bone by the time I made it to the stairs. I was about to text Travis as I walked up the steps. It was because of that, that I didn’t notice the door to my apartment was ajar.
Not until a man wearing a hoodie rushed out of my apartment, slamming straight into me. I gasped, stumbling back and dropping my phone with a loud crash. Then I found myself staring up at a man with a weathered face, gruff beard, and bloodshot eyes.
Mark.
“What are you?—”
Ignoring me, he made to walk past me right as I heard Irene’s voice before she stepped onto the landing. “Honey, wait! Let me talk to her again, I’m sure she’ll?—”
My mother’s eyes widened when she saw me. She was still wearing the same peacoat as the last time I’d seen her.
“W-what are you doing?” I asked.
Mark made a noise that told me he was annoyed I was even here at all as he lit up a cigarette and leaned against the railing. As if he hadn’t just broken into my place. I reached down for my cellphone and straightened as I faced my mother. She had the decency to look guilty by not looking at me at all, rubbing her other arm like a kid about to receive a scolding .
“I told you I needed the money, Lila. You didn’t believe me, so Mark decided we should check your place out.”
“Which had shit all, so thanks for nothing,” Mark said as he blew a cloud of smoke my way.
“So you broke into my apartment?” I asked my mother, ignoring him and attempting to stamp down my panic that they could have easily broken into the apartment I shared with my four-year-old brother.
“You left me no choice. I had to do something.” Irene shrugged as if it were obvious.
I blew out an incredulous breath, “Leave before I call the cops.”
I started to shove my way past her when a meaty hand wrapped around my arm and yanked me back. I hit the wall hard this time and found Mark looming over me. The cigarette between his teeth bounced when he spoke. “Why don’t you cut the bullshit and give us the money your mother swore you had stashed away.”
“I-I don’t have money.”
He yanked my tote bag off my shoulder and dumped the contents on the ground before I could do anything. Given he wasn’t scared to yank me the way he did, I wouldn’t be surprised if he resorted to violence if I tried to stop him. Irene dropped to her knees and quickly inspected everything with shaky hands, from River’s candies to the keys to Beth until she found my wallet.
“Twenty fucking dollars? Are you kidding me, Lila?” she sneered at me, but I could see the fear in her eyes as they traveled to Mark. She feared him—no, she was petrified —because, unlike me, she knew exactly what he was capable of doing.
A chill ran down my spine.
“That can’t be all you have. There’s gotta be a credit card or something there. No one gets around these days without one.” He was right about that. I did have a debit card, but I didn’t carry it everywhere with me when I made plenty in tips at the bar. So, I left it in my other purse in Travis’s house.
Because a part of me knew from years of experience that at some point Irene could come back to do exactly what she was doing now. Currently, I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea or one that I’d come to regret based on the way Mark was fuming in front of me.
“Get the fuck away from her.” Travis’s voice sliced through the rain roaring around us. I turned to see him standing by the stairs with a vicious glare on his face, soaked from head to toe from the rain. He was glaring at Mark, at the hand he still had on my arm. “Did you not hear me?”
Mark’s lip curled but he did as Travis said.
The murder written all over his face must have told the man he wasn’t kidding. As soon as he stepped back, Travis was beside me, tugging me to his side. He looked at me before running a hand over the arm Mark had yanked. “You okay?”
I nodded, grateful that he was here, before Mark said, “We don’t want any trouble, man. I’m just here to get the money I’m owed.”
“I see.” Travis’s voice was deathly calm as he looked to Irene who was cowering behind Mark. “Looks like it isn’t us you should be coming to for that money. Irene’s debt was already cleared by me. You might want to ask her where that money is.”
Wait…what?
My gaze snapped to his face, but his attention was fixed on Mark.
Travis cleared her debt? Why? Why would he do that when he knew how she was ?
For me. He did it for me.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and that Travis…didn’t tell me.
Mark whipped around to face Irene. All the blood in her face drained when he gave her a bone chilling look.
“O-oh! I must have forgotten, I did get a check for the m-money I owed you, baby! I was going to tell you today. Surprise!” she said through chattering teeth. My heart sank, nausea rolling around in my stomach. She really was going to keep the money Travis had given her all to herself, wasn’t she?
Mark made to grab for her, but Travis shoved him back. My heart thundered in my chest as Travis said harshly over his shoulder, “Irene, give him the check.”
Irene stammered for a second, and when Travis made no move to be swayed by her, her shoulders dropped and she did as he said. All I could do was watch as she pulled a check out of her pocket and gingerly handed it to Mark before he snatched it.
“And now you have no reason to keep bothering either of these women. If I see you again with Irene in town, you won’t even see me coming. I’ll drag you to the police station myself. Am I clear?” Travis threatened him while keeping that unnerving calm as he stared Mark down.
Mark mumbled in agreement before trudging down the stairs without stealing another glance toward my mother.
Once he was gone and the sound of a truck rumbling away from the parking lot could no longer be heard, Travis turned around to face my mother, and before she could slide past him to make her escape, he said, “I genuinely do not care about you. I could care less what happens to you or what excuses you’re about to spew to justify what you did that could have gotten Delilah hurt. But I want you to realize that that ”—he pointed behind him as if Mark were still standing there—“is what you chose over having a good life here. That is what you thought was more deserving of your time over your own daughter who has bent over backwards cleaning up your messes since she was a child. All while raising an amazing little boy who will be nothing like you thanks to her. You want to continue living this way? Go ahead, but at least have the guts to face Delilah and tell her so she doesn’t keep waiting for you to change.”
I stared at him in shock as he defended me and River to her. He didn’t yell or curse. He just said exactly what I’d been wanting to say for so long, and, somehow, he knew it. He walked around her and toward me. He was a raging storm, but his gaze was full of love for me.
My mother slowly turned to face me with tears in her eyes. They were pleading with me as they always did when she messed up. All I could do was stare at her, letting her see the devastation, the disappointment, on my face.
“I can’t stop it, you know? It’s just too hard to give it all up. I don’t think I can do it, at least not now.” She rubbed at her face and shook her head as if trying to get sobered up for this conversation. Her next words were sincere, and they broke my heart. “I am sorry, Delilah.”
“I know.” I walked over to her. She looked at me like a scared kid, just as she often had on those days when I used to be able to talk to her about her addiction and how worried I was about losing her. I slowly wrapped my arms around her, shutting my eyes tightly when I felt how skinny she was beneath her coat. “I forgive you. I love you so much, mom.”
She hesitated, only managing to pat my back once before I pulled away and finally said, “But if you’re not going to try to let me help you, then I need you to let me let you go. Because if I’m going to be happy with the life I’m building here, I need to let you go.”
Irene’s face dropped, but she nodded. And I knew she wouldn’t ask for help. Not today. But maybe...someday she would. Turns out I couldn’t stop being hopeful, even now.
I turned back toward Travis where he was running a hand over his face before he ducked into the apartment with my tote bag in his hand. Not a single piece of my belongings left on the ground.
Before I could reach the door, I heard her say, “I do love you, Delilah. In my own way.”
I took one last look at my mother, knowing this would probably be the last time we’d see each other for a long time, and said, “Take care of yourself, mom.”