35. Lila
CHAPTER 35
Lila
Travis was picking up one of the cushions Irene or Mark yanked off the couch in their search for money. The place was a mess, but not as bad as it usually was when my mother raided my bedroom back then.
I couldn’t bring myself to care, though.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the money you gave her?” I asked Travis.
He sighed, dropping my tote bag onto the coffee table before turning to face me. “Because you would have argued about it. You would have refused to accept the money regardless of whether we gave it to your mother.”
We?
“Who else gave her money?” I was almost too scared to hear the answer.
Travis’s jaw ticked. “It was my dad’s idea to give her the money in the first place after she showed up at The Pint looking for you again. He was going to do it himself, and if I hadn’t argued with him, I’m sure he would have. It was a lot of money, and I wasn’t going to let him clear her debt on his own. ”
“How much was it?” Panic laced through my voice.
He turned to pick up one of River’s stuffed teddy bears to put it back in the bin where all his toys were kept. “It doesn’t matter. It’s done.”
“It matters it to me! How could you pay her? I didn’t ask you to do that.” I couldn’t control my outburst, but he was acting like none of this was a big deal and it upset me.
“You didn’t have to, Delilah.” His tone changed from calm to aggravated. Good, I wanted him to be angry because what he did wasn’t fair to him or his family.
I shook my head and he watched me pace the length of the living room. “That money could have been used for something important, and you gave it to someone who was going to spend it all away on things that didn’t matter. Not only that, but you didn’t think to tell me? How can you not see that it was a waste?”
Travis snapped. “You are not a waste, don’t you get that? Not to me. Don’t you understand what you mean to me? How every part of you owns me?” he laughed but there was no humor in it, “Yes, I gave Irene the money she needed to get out of trouble with that prick out there, and I’d do it again if it meant she’d leave you alone. As for my dad, he did it because he wanted the same thing for you. Peace of mind and a normal life with River here in Willow Vale—the same thing you’ve been working tirelessly to do all alone for a long time.”
I couldn’t handle the way he was being so honest with me. I was confused and hurting and too overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how I could accept such an incredibly kind gesture despite being mad that he didn’t tell me about this sooner. Not without feeling this guilt that yet again, I was depending on him and his family to take care of me. The feeling of helplessness that always creeped its head around the corner of my mind appeared again. Pressing in on me until I couldn’t breathe. So, I did the only thing I knew how.
I tried to run.
Travis called out when I turned to walk away, “Where are you going?”
I inhaled a shaky breath. “I don’t know! I don’t know anything. I thought I did a few hours ago, and I was happy. I was so excited because I applied for the nursing program I told you about, and I was happy! But now...I don’t even know what I was thinking by applying. I’m going to have to pay your parents back, pay you back, and how am I going to do that unless I work? How am I going to take care of River and make enough money?—”
“Delilah,” he stepped towards me, hearing the hitch in my voice as panic started to take over. I’ve had panic attacks before and usually I could feel them coming before I lost control, but not this time. There was no preparing for it when it crashed straight into me like a bus. I tried to push his hands away from me as my lungs felt like they were on fire, squeezing all the air out of them with every breath I tried to take, tears rolling down my cheeks endlessly. “Darlin’, hey look at me.”
I could tell he was trying to bring me down. His hands gripping my trembling ones, squeezing them often to ground me. Guide me away from the panic.
“I can’t do this. I can’t...” I gasped as he guided me into my bedroom and sat me down on my bed. My whole body wouldn’t stop shaking as he pulled me onto his lap, holding me tight. His deep voice rumbling against his chest as he urged me to match his breathing. It took a few minutes, but eventually I managed to do as he said. I couldn’t stop shaking but that wouldn’t go away for a while until I calmed down fully.
Travis rubbed his hands up and down my back, my soaked shirt sticking to me like a second skin. I noticed he was just as soaked as me and that was probably why he was also trembling.
“Are you okay?” He asked, his voice gentle before he kisses my temple.
I nodded against the crook of his neck, taking in one last deep breath before leaning away from him. He studied me carefully and with worry as I ran a hand over my face. A few more minutes pass where neither of us speaks, giving me time to compose myself even if I couldn’t stop crying.
He pushed a strand away from my forehead as he said, “You don’t have to pay anyone back. That wasn’t even an option. You and I both know my parents would never accept it anyway. I sure as hell am not planning on accepting anything from you either. I’ve proven time and time again that I am here for you, Delilah. Did you think I wouldn’t support you in every aspect of your life now that we’re together? That I wouldn’t celebrate that you applied to go back to college when I know what that means to you? That I wouldn’t do something as crazy as pay off your mother’s debts if it meant saving you the trouble of doing it yourself?”
I shook my head, seeing my vision grow blurry again with unshed tears.
“I just can’t understand it. Why would you stick around when no one else ever has? What can guarantee that you won’t change your mind one day and decide to change me out for something else? Something better. Someone better.”
“This isn’t you talking right now, baby. You realize that, don’t you? This is Irene and all the messed-up shit she put you through that made you believe no one will stick around for you. God, I’m sick of her ruining any sort of future we could have had together four years ago, and she’s still managing to do the same thing even when she’s not here. I’m sick of missed chances and craving you so badly it hurts.” He placed his hand over his chest, as if to show me just where he was hurting, and I felt my tears roll down my cheeks when his voice cracked. “I’m sick of being too scared to tell you how much I love you out of fear that you’ll push me away because you’re too scared to accept that you can actually be loved by someone who would do anything for you. And, guess what, Delilah? I would do anything for you. There’s no limit to how much I love you.”
My breath caught in my throat.
Travis loved me.
He. Loved. Me.
I shook my head, the tears rolling down my cheeks like an endless river. “No one has ever loved me the way you do. I don’t know how to accept that. I don’t know how to fix myself. I’m sorry, Travis?—"
He wrapped me up in his arms and held me like I was his lifeline when in reality he was mine. I clutched the back of his shirt as he tried to soothe me with softly spoken words and gentle caresses. Catching all the pieces of my broken, battered heart, as if he were waiting for this day to come.
Because it was as he said before, we were inevitable. I couldn’t forget him four years ago and now that he owned every piece of me, I knew pushing him away would be impossible. He was my heart, my soul, the very earth I walked on and the air I breathed. I loved him in a way I knew I’d never love any other man. I wanted him. I wanted to be here with him and the Adlers—my family—and I wanted to be free from the crushing weight Irene had placed on me—whether if it was on purpose or indirectly .
I wanted to see what Travis saw when he looked at me.
I wanted so much.
I said against his chest, “I want to get better.”
His arms tightened around me. “It kills me to know that I can’t heal the pain you carry, that you don’t see how incredible you are, but know that I’m here when you decide to take that step. Just don’t run away anymore.”
I couldn’t have stopped the tears from falling if I tried.
“I want you, Travis. I always have.”
He leaned back and tilted my face up to see the small smile on his lips.
“I know, darlin’.”
He kissed my cheeks, wiping away the tears before he moved on to my nose and forehead.
“Wherever you decide to go, whatever you want to do, I’ll be there. You can’t get rid of me. I love you, Delilah.” He said the same thing again and again in between kisses, my heart beating harder in my chest in response. He kissed my jawline and neck next. He whispered against my ear, “I love you.”
The way he said those words to me with such relief and reverence, it was as if he truly couldn’t hold back from saying them after finally letting them go. Revealing them to me. At the same time, they unraveled me.
I wrapped my arms across his shoulders, holding him tight. He nipped my collarbone and watched the droplets of water falling off the tips of his hair onto my skin. His hand traced over them before drawing over the tops of my breasts with his thumbs.
I let him lay me down on the bed and undress me one article of clothing at a time, peeling off my wet clothes until I was bare in front of him. His chest rose and fell faster as he ran his hands over my shoulders and breasts, down along the curves of my waist.
“You are breathtaking,” he said. I was panting and needy by the time he pulled his shirt off with one hand, the rest of his clothes following not long after.
Travis worshipped my body. His hands palmed my breasts, and he took each one into his mouth, nipping and tugging with his teeth until I was urging him to ease the ache he was creating. He kissed his way down my body until I was writhing beneath him. Before he could move further down, I sat up and sank my fingers into his hair to tug him back.
He watched me, waiting to see what I would do next when I said, “I love you too. More than anything. I can’t live without you. I don’t want to. There is no me without you, Travis. There never has been. I love you so much?—”
Travis’s lips slammed over mine, cutting me off with a deep ragged breath when he slid his tongue against mine. What was once soft and slow turned desperate with both of our need to have this moment. To feel one another. His hands went to my shoulders, and he urged me to lay back down. I spread my legs for him and reached between us, taking him in my fist until he was groaning curses against my bare shoulder, rubbing his stubbled cheek against mine. His hand slid between my thighs, his fingers finding me ready for him and he moved as if we had all the time in the world until I was crying out.
“Travis.” I gasped his name, expressing my need to feel more. To have him closer. I arched into him, giving him more access, and he kissed my neck as he continued overwhelming me in the best way. Winding me tighter and tighter like a string ready to snap. I didn’t feel it happen until I was right there.
“Delilah,” he moaned as our hands moved almost in perfect sync. I gasped when he increased the pressure, fingers curling just right. “I’ve got you, darlin’.” I bowed into him, eliciting a groan from him as he watched me unravel. I was loud, and I didn’t care. It felt too good, too overwhelming as his blue eyes pierced through me and he rasped into my ear, “I don’t...fuck, I don’t have a condom.”
“I’m on the pill,” I breathed out right as he kissed me again, as if he needed to have his lips on mine at all times.
He stared at me for a long second before asking, “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I want to feel you inside me. I’m sure.”
An emotion I couldn’t quite place flashed across his face, but he didn’t give me any time to ask him what it meant. Travis kissed me long and hard as he spread my legs and our hips finally met, making me shudder. Together we watched as he slowly pushed into me. The moment we connected, we sighed at the same time, and it felt so good, so perfect that I felt tears sting my eyes. There was so much of him, so much of me, the two of us intertwined in one another—perfect.
We were chest to chest, hearts pounding and panting each other’s name with every slow roll of his hips. I sank my fingers into his wet hair and tugged, losing all sense of control. If I was hurting him, he didn’t say a word. Too focused on getting us both where we needed to be. We went into a frenzy, needing more and more and more . Before I knew it, we were rolling until I was on top of him, straddling his hips and he pushes into me again.
I whimpered and let my body take over when he encouraged me to keep going. Tells me how good this feels. His eyes were piercing as he watched me work myself against him until I was seeing stars, white hot and overwhelming.
“Travis, I need you,” I cried, and he must have known exactly what I needed because he sat up and wrapped his arms around me. I kissed him deeply as we made love, chasing the connection we both needed. My nails dug into his skin as he dragged my hips back and forth.
A sort of desperation ringing in his voice as his hand cupped the back of my neck and rasps, “I’m never letting you go. Never.”
“I love you, Travis.” My voice shook.
“Say it again.” He moved again, and I moaned the words again and again. This time his voice shook as I felt his muscles bunch up beneath my palms. “I love you so much.”
With those words, we finally fell over the edge together. I cried out as he gathered me in his arms until there was nothing left. Until we were both spent and panting. When we finally caught our breaths, Travis brushed my damp hair away from my face with a soft smile. The same one I returned, knowing this wouldn’t be the end for us but the beginning. I’d make sure of that.