Chapter 44
I made Soumia a cup of tea and left her to her thoughts while I came to my room and lay on my bed to be with mine.
I replay the last months over in my head and wonder why I didn’t see all the warning signs to help Soumia; the final demands, the cheap nail varnish, her credit card bouncing, using the company card, the constant calls from the bank.
Each time I came to the same conclusion: as Soumia says, I’m toxic.
I’ve been on self-destruct for so long that I’ve missed every lifeline that’s been thrown at me: Ivy rescuing me in New York, everything Soumia has done for me, and Olly.
The laughter he fills me with, the kindness he’s shown me, even his beautiful smile that he shares with me, making me feel like it’s going to be a good day.
I’ve been wrapped so tightly in my own pain I haven’t seen Soumia’s.
From this moment forward I’m making a vow: I’ll do better. I’ll be good.
It's the next afternoon and I’ve made Soumia phone the bank, the gas company, and her credit card.
Each time Soumia’s answered the security questions then handed the phone to me.
I’ve spoken to people in India, Bangladesh and Newcastle, the latter being the hardest to understand.
I’ve spent a couple of thousand pounds I know I won't get back, but it’s no more than I would have spent if Soumia had charged me the going rate for the room the second I moved in.
I’m trying not to think about the holiday to Costa Rica I had planned with the money, or the sloths I’d planned to see in its rainforests.
‘I am sorry, you know,’ I say to Soumia, who’s out of view in the small box room while I’m stood on the landing surrounded by boxes.
‘I heard you the first thousand times.’
‘I just want you to know I mean it.’
Soumia pokes her head around the door. ‘I know you do. Catch.’
Soumia throws a black sequined backless dress at me.
I hold it up to myself. ‘You can’t get rid of this, it’s gorgeous.’
A sharpie has been used to label the boxes; Charity, Vinted, Trash.
‘You buy it then.’
‘I would but it’s not my colour.’ I put it in the box labelled Vinted. ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’
Soumia and I came up with a plan this morning over our first brew of the day to clear out the spare room and rent it out to one of the new crew.
I was up at the crack of dawn making Soumia a full English to apologise.
The smell of bacon seduced her down to the kitchen just as the smoke alarm went off – I’d burnt the toast. I apologised again as soon she sat down.
She told me to shut up and not to set the house alight.
Just like that, yesterday’s argument was forgotten.
A pair of jeans lands around my neck.
‘Vinted,’ Soumia says.
‘Are you sure? It’s still got the tag on them.’
‘I need to feel like I’m taking control, even if I get a fiver for them.’
I look at the tag. ‘They cost you fifty quid.’
‘I’ve never worn them.’
Next comes a greying bra.
‘Ewwwww,’ I say.
‘Trash.’
I pick it up off the floor with two fingers and drop it into the box marked Trash.
‘Have you thought about who you’ll offer the spare room to?’
‘Not really. Charity.’ Soumia throws a blue t-shirt at me. ‘I was thinking about Danielle. What do you think?’
‘I like Danielle. I don’t really mind who it is as long as it’s not Jason. I don’t think I could cope with his bathroom routine.’
‘Or his drama. Heads up.’ A purple silk blouse with green stripes lands in my hands. ‘Vinted.’
‘Really, who would buy that?’
‘You’d be surprised. People buy any old shit.’
I pop it in the box. ‘Shall we get a pizza?’
Four hours later and we haven’t returned to sorting duties.
Instead, we’ve collapsed on Soumia’s bed and binge watched Come Dine with Me.
I ordered the biggest pizza I could. It’s so large it could be used as a satellite dish.
We got two little pots of ice cream for dessert, too.
We had a couple of slices each, ate the ice cream, and are now picking back at the pizza toppings.
‘It doesn’t seem right that they’ve suspended you,’ I say.
‘It’s not a suspension. It’s paid leave whilst they investigate, apparently.’ Soumia takes a swig from her can of Dr Pepper she got delivered with the takeaway.
‘What is there to investigate? It’s all on camera.’
‘Don’t remind me. I’d rather be on paid leave than sick leave whilst this bruise goes down.’
‘What was it like being in the interview room?’
‘It was fine. They took a statement and asked a few questions.’ I can tell by her tone she doesn’t want to expand on the topic.
‘Was anything said on the flight about McBride?’
‘No one was brave enough to say anything to my face, but I’ve no doubt they were sniggering behind my back.’
My phone vibrates, a message from Derek and Muscles checking in on me. I let them know all is well and turn my attention back to Soumia.
‘Do you want to hear some juicy Galley FM?’ I ask.
‘Not if it’s about me.’
‘I saw Captain Skerrow.’
‘Big deal.’ Soumia is decapitating a piece of pineapple from the pizza and popping it into her mouth.
‘In a gay bar.’
Soumia almost chokes on it. ‘No way.’
She sits herself up in bed, ready for the next bit of scandal.
‘He was with Jason.’
‘It’s true, they’re together?’
‘And that’s not all.’
‘OMG, is Jason pregnant? Skerrow’s sperm must be like missiles!’ Soumia’s laughing.
‘Even better. Skerrow was wearing a rubber vest. They made me swear not to tell anyone.’
‘Obviously you had to tell me, we just won't tell anyone else. Has he left his wife?’
‘No idea. Maybe they’re all in one of those polyamory relationships or whatever they’re called.’
‘Like a threesome?’
‘Kinda.’
‘Each to their own, I’m not judging… Dirty bastards.’ We both laugh.
I put the slice of pizza I was just about to bite back into the box.
‘I’ve got something to tell you, but you’re not allowed to go mad. Promise?’
‘Don’t tell me you’ve pissed in the wardrobe again.’
‘That was a one off, and no.’ Though I still don’t think it was me. It was after a party down route and all the crew had been drinking in my room.
‘Go on then.’ Soumia pauses and braces herself.
I look down at the pizza avoiding her eye. ‘Liam kissed me.’
Soumia jumps up out of bed. ‘What? When?’
‘Just before Olly came round.’
‘Olly didn’t tell me Liam was here too.’
‘I thought he told you everything by the way you reacted last night?’
‘No, he just texted me as I boarded my flight home to say he’d come to see you. He said you definitely weren’t interested in him.’
‘He punched Liam.’
‘Good for him. Someone had to.’
‘I asked them both to leave.’
‘Why are you only just telling me?’ Soumia picks up her phone and is scrolling through it as if it will give her clues.
‘I thought you knew.’
‘How could I have known?’
‘Olly left first.’ I push the pizza box away from me.
‘Please tell me you didn’t sleep with Liam?’
‘No, I didn’t.’
‘Thank Christ.’ Soumia leans on the bed and takes hold of my hands. ‘Listen to me, babe, that man only loves himself. You can’t go back there.’
‘I know. I’ve just waited for him to say he wants me for so long.’
‘You don’t need him. I kept my mouth shut when you were together to keep the peace, but not now.
’ Soumia sits herself back on the bed and strokes my cheek.
‘Callum, he destroyed you. I think he liked doing it too. All those times down route he stopped you from going out with the crew because he was jealous. Then he’d go and shag someone else.
In your bed. He never loved you, he loved controlling you. ’
I don’t know what to say, so I pull at my long sleeves and continue to listen.
‘He’s not worth it. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. I was worried about you when he left, I wasn’t sure you’d make it. Look at you now. You’ve got friends around you, people who care, don’t give it all up for him. Don’t go back to sitting in a fucking cupboard.’
‘I don’t want to go back.’ My words take me by surprise. I repeat them to make sure I’ve heard myself correctly. I look at Soumia. ‘I don’t want to go back.’
‘Promise me.’
I hold my little finger out to Soumia. ‘Pinky promise.’
We finish off the pizza and lie on Soumia’s bed all afternoon watching reruns of Friends, both still in our pyjamas.
I’ve brushed my teeth but not bothered with a shower.
I have no plans to go out today. We’re singing along to the theme tune as another episode starts, when the buzz of the doorbell makes us both jump. We laugh at each other’s shock.
‘Will you get it?’ Soumia says. ‘I don’t want anyone to see my face.’
I heave myself off the bed. ‘Do you think it’s the police with more questions?’
‘I doubt it.’
I head downstairs shouting ‘just a minute,’ to whoever is on the other side of the door whilst I get my keys from the bowl to unlock it.
I should have known.
‘Liam.’
‘Hey handsome.’ His smile’s painted across his face like the Joker in a pack of cards.
‘Now isn’t a good time.’
‘I won't be long, I just wanted to see you.’
He kisses my cheek as he steps through the gap between me and the door and walks straight into the living room. I follow. He’s already sat down on the sofa when I catch him up.
‘It’s a bit of a mess in here, isn’t it?’
He’s right, it is. Neither I nor Soumia have bothered to clean the room for a few days.
Liam looks at the dirty plates on the coffee table. ‘I see you’ve given up on your diet. Good job I like you big.’
He pulls my arms and I fall on top of him. He tries to kiss me. I lean back to avoid his lips.
‘I best clean this place up.’ I manoeuvre myself away from his lap and start to stack the dishes on top of each other.
‘Leave those, come here. I’ve been dreaming about me and you back together for so long.’
Seven months ago, I would have sold both my kidneys and spent a lifetime on dialysis to hear him say those words. Now, I don’t want them. There’s no hate, no hurt. Just me and him in a room.
‘Liam, there is no me and you.’
‘Of course there is. You don’t know your own mind.’ Liam comes to me and strokes my face and looks into my eyes. I stare back into the eyes that used to hold my future. ‘Let me take you out to the theatre. I’ll even get you a programme.’
I love a programme at the theatre. I’ve got a collection of them from all the shows I’ve seen, apart from the ones I’ve seen with him because, ‘why spend ten pounds on a programme when you can read it online for free?’
‘I can get my own programme, Liam.’ I pick up the plates and take them into the kitchen. Liam’s one step behind me.
‘When did you get so independent?’
‘When you walked out. I didn’t have a choice.’
‘Stop dragging up the past.’
I drop the plates in the sink. ‘Why are you back?’
‘Because there’s only ever been you.’
‘No there hasn’t. There’s the man in Crete you slept with when we were on holiday. There’s the neighbour you shagged the night you asked me to marry you. There’s the one, two, three, FOUR, random men that I know of, then there’s the younger man you left me for. They’re just the ones I know about.’
‘You’ve always been paranoid.’
‘Enough, Liam.’ I’m exhausted by him. ‘I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t feel anything. There’s nothing here.
’ I use my finger to mime an arrow between us.
‘I’m not using my energy to worry about you anymore, or wondering whether you’re coming home tonight, or if you’ve found someone better to go to bed with. ’
‘You need to think about it. You’re tired. You’ll feel differently in the morning, you always do.’
I turn my back on him to face the sink; I turn the tap on and begin to wash the dishes.
He comes behind me and puts his arms around my waist and puts his head right into the back of my neck and kisses me in the spot that makes me shiver.
I think how easy it would be to give in to him, to turn off the tap and turn around into his embrace.
For a split second, I wonder if we could pick up where we left off. I shake my head; I’m not going back.
‘Let’s start with a shag,’ he whispers into my ear.
I drop the plate in the sink and turn around to face him. ‘I really need you to go.’
‘Fine, I can see you’re shattered. I’ll call you in the morning.’
‘No Liam, you don’t need to call me again.’
‘Can I use your toilet before I go?’
I don’t know if he’s playing for time, but I direct him up the stairs to the first door on his left.
There’s a seed of thought that’s growing by the second into a great big fucking beanstalk. What if Olly didn’t sleep with him? Muscles’s comment goes through my mind: did either of them actually say they’d slept together? Surely even Liam can’t be that cruel.
The buzz of a phone vibrating brings the present back into focus.
Liam’s put his phone on the side. I never checked his phone when we were together and I’m not about to start now.
It vibrates again. Fuck it. I wipe the soap suds off my hands onto a pot towel and pick up his phone.
I type in his date of birth. Access granted.
I click on the message app and press Alex.