Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
LUCAS
Lucas wasn’t sure what it meant that he felt a punch of relief when his uncle showed up to take him to the food truck and Frankie, Fallon, and Elodie had already gone back to their place.
He wasn’t ashamed to be hanging out with them, but he had a feeling that if Gage could spot the way Lucas was feeling, other sighted people would too.
He’d only learned facial expressions by reading about them in books and then asking his friends or his dad to explain them to him.
He knew a few gestures now—he knew what a thumbs-up was, and he’d perfected flipping people off, which had really come in handy.
But he hadn’t realized what a peace sign was supposed to look like until he was seventeen, and when someone accused him of having a resting murder face, he had no idea what that could possibly mean.
But whatever was on his expression, it was obvious to the people who could see it. Just like there was a damn good chance his old blind friends would have been able to hear it in his voice too. He had no mask there either.
He wore everything out in the open, and he was second-guessing himself about the dinner now because what if Frankie realized he had a monster crush on him and felt so bad about it that he accepted the offer out of pity?
The thought made him a little queasy as he climbed into the car beside Dallas.
“You’re quiet today,” his uncle said after a few minutes on the road.
“It was a weird night.”
“Oh?”
Lucas let out a puff of air, then said, “You’ll probably hear about this eventually because I know Gage is going to talk to his dad, and I know y’all can’t keep a secret if your life depended on it.”
“Hey, that’s…” Dallas trailed off. “Whatever, that’s fair. Is it bad?”
“I don’t think Gage is going to jail or anything, but he did knock a guy out in our hallway last night.”
Dallas made a choking sound. “Sorry, what?”
“The guy had it coming. He hit his boyfriend.”
“Oh, what the fuck?” Dallas said, anger rising in his tone.
Lucas loved his uncle a little more for that. “Gage is going through a lot, you know? He probably would have frog-marched the dude out of the building if he’d been a little less angry.”
“You know what’s going on with him? You don’t have to tell me, but Adele’s been worrying himself sick that Gage is bottling it all up.”
“I know what it is,” Lucas confirmed. He didn’t tell Dallas that he only found out last night. “He’s going to talk to his dad soon. Shit’s gonna hit the fan, so, like, when you learn about it, try not to freak out or get weird with him, okay?”
“Yeah,” Dallas said behind a breath. “Yeah, okay. God, is this what I have to look forward to with Audra? She just turned five, and she’s already giving me grey hair.”
“Oh. It’ll probably be way worse with her,” Lucas said with a grin.
“I hate that you’re right.”
He laughed and then bowed his head and let himself feel the soothing rocking motion of the car as they headed toward the art museum, where Marc had parked the truck that morning.
“So,” Dallas said, and Lucas tried not to groan because he really wanted to be in his own head. “Are we going to talk about what’s going on with you?”
“Apart from that I’m a twenty-two-year-old virgin whose peak seems to be food truck chef?” Lucas said. He regretted his words immediately.
“All of those things can change. You know that, right? You won’t be twenty-two or a virgin for the rest of your life, and I’m pretty sure you’re not going to peak at food truck chef if you don’t want to.”
Lucas bit his lip. “Being a whatever-age virgin owning a bookshop and café would be pretty fucking cool.”
He could almost feel Dallas squirming in his seat about the virgin thing.
No one wanted to talk about it. No one wanted to try and give him advice because no one walked in his shoes.
The people in his family who were all visibly disabled had also long since lost their virginities and had fallen in love more than once.
They were leagues ahead of Lucas, and no one knew how to guide him forward.
So they said nothing, and he’d stopped asking.
“Hey, listen,” Dallas said as the car began to slow, “you know you’re an amazing guy, right?”
Lucas’s brows furrowed. “Uh?”
“I mean, I know you deal with a lot of shit from people. You’ve always been unapologetically yourself, and when others aren’t used to embracing who they are, they don’t like being reminded about it.
And they meet someone like you, who has weighed giving a shit against your own comfort, and comfort has always won. ”
Lucas felt a little pang in his chest. That was exactly how he felt, but no one had ever put it into words like that. “Sometimes it’s lonely.”
“I know.” The car rolled to a stop, and he heard Dallas put it in park. “I know it really, really sucks to hear this, but people start caring less the older you get.”
“Yeah.” Lucas did know that. Apart from Gage, who was the only guy in his age bracket who didn’t treat him like he should stuff himself into some kind of neurotypical box for the comfort of others, the only ones who didn’t treat him like a weirdo were the older people in his life.
He licked his lips, then turned to face his uncle.
“Do I…am I…” He fought to find the right words. “Objectively, am I weird-looking?”
“Lucas…”
“I’m being serious. I can’t ask my dad. He’s biased, and even if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t tell me the truth. Neither will Gage. I know that even people who aren’t…what’s that word? Conventionally attractive?” Yet another concept Lucas had never personally understood.
“Yeah,” Dallas said slowly.
“Those people find love too. It’s not always about how someone looks, even with people who can see.
But I do know that makes it easier. Just like being non-disabled is easier.
Gage has to fight people off with sticks.
I can’t even get a crush on a guy without overhearing him call me the freaking r-word to his friends. ”
“I’m sorry, who did what?”
“It’s not important,” Lucas said. He didn’t want to think about Oliver. “It’s just…I’m never really going to know. I’ll never be able to look in a mirror and figure it out for myself. And I think it might set my expectations a little better if someone was honest with me.”
“Okay,” Dallas said slowly. Then he said nothing at all.
Lucas groaned. “I’m asking you, okay? Objectively, am I ugly.”
Sucking in a lungful of air, Dallas let it out on a sigh. “No, Lucas. You’re not ugly. I’m obviously as biased as your dad, but I think there have been more people interested than you realize.”
“How would I not notice?” Lucas asked. That couldn’t be possible.
Dallas chuckled. “Because you weren’t into them. And if you’re not interested in something, you don’t always pay close attention.”
“I—” Well, shit. That was so beyond fair. He sagged back in the seat and pressed his fingertips to his cheeks. “I’m pretty?”
Dallas laughed again, but not in a mocking way. “Yes. Annoyingly pretty. Like your dad was when he was your age, and I hated him for it because everyone I had a crush on had a crush on him.”
Lucas snorted. “Gross.”
“Yeah, yeah. But it was true.” Lucas tried not to flinch when Dallas touched his shoulder, though he hated when it came out of nowhere. “Anyway, you want me to walk you to the truck?”
“Just point me in the right direction,” Lucas said. More than anything, he wanted to get to work so he could hopefully distract himself from all the weird, confusing feelings he couldn’t seem to shake.
Lucas didn’t mind getting rides from friends and family up to and until he was doing something he didn’t want to be judged for. And he was pretty sure grocery shopping so he could cook for the neighbor he was lusting after was one of those judgy moments.
And then there was Uber.
“I’ll stay in the area,” the driver told him. Lucas couldn’t remember his name. There were too many things actively in his head right then. “Just put the ride request in the app, and I’ll come back.”
That was either nice or creepy, and he wasn’t in the mood to work out which was which, so instead he put his thumb up toward the guy, then made his way to the store.
It was a small market—on the expensive side, but they knew him there, and no one ever acted like he was asking them to set their own face on fire when he requested a sighted shopper.
His cane found the edge of the counter, and then he touched the top and turned his head to see if he could hear someone in front of him, but it was quiet.
He was trying to be patient, but the end-of-the-day line at his truck had gotten long, and he didn’t get to close up until well past five. The last time he’d checked his phone, it told him it was nearly six, which meant he was going to be late—very late—for Frankie.
He didn’t think the man would mind if he took his time putting food together, but that was not the impression he was trying to make. How the hell was he going to look like a mature, responsible adult worthy of someone Frankie’s age if he couldn’t even keep his appointments?
His breath started to come a little faster.
“Lucas?”
He spun at the sound of a familiar voice and almost lost his footing as his cane top caught on the lip of the counter. “Fuck. Sorry. Hi. Kristen?”
“Yeah. Hey, you need a shopper?”
“Yes, but I need to do this quick as hell. I have a…” It wasn’t a date, and it felt wrong to say that it was. “Plans. I have a dinner plans thing. Whatever. Anyway, I’m late.”
“I can help,” she said. “Tell me where to go, and we’ll get you in and out.”
Lucas let out a breath of relief and then said, “What would impress you if someone was trying to win your heart through your stomach?”
She burst into laughter, then pushed the cart handle against his arm so he could take it. “Does he like fish?”
“I can make him like fish,” Lucas said.
“Perfect. We just got in a new shipment. Follow me.”