4. Lucas #2
‘Tired.’ He squared his shoulders. ‘Just tired. It’s been a busy week so far and I got back and found my father living in a m—’ He checked himself.
Lucas had never been an over-sharer, and he wasn’t about to start now.
He was concerned about the mess in his father’s home and about how changed the older man seemed, but that wasn’t something he wanted to tell a woman he’d only just met.
It was his problem, and he would be the one to find a solution.
‘I hope you can get some rest while you’re here. Are you staying long?’ Ellie asked gently.
‘I—I’m not sure yet. My father needs some support, and I can work remotely so I could be here a few weeks.
Possibly longer.’ The thought made him groan inwardly because he didn’t want to be in the village for Christmas, but right now he couldn’t see how he’d be leaving before then.
Besides which, wouldn’t it be awful of him to up and leave his father just before the festivities of December began?
To leave him alone. Whatever his father had done in the past and however he’d been towards Lucas and his mum, he wasn’t getting any younger and Lucas knew all too well that people could seem fine one minute and be gone the next.
If he left his father to his own devices and something happened to him, well …
he’d have to deal with that for the rest of his life.
So, he suspected he could well be here until January rolled in, cold and grey as ever.
It wasn’t what he wanted, but he’d avoided responsibility for as long as he could and now, he had to step up and face it head on.
‘Well, it will be nice to see you around. There are plenty of lovely activities planned for Christmas in the village this year and I’m sure your dad will enjoy having some company.
’ Ellie smiled kindly, and Lucas felt his cheeks grow warm.
Kindness and compassion always made him feel uncomfortable because he often felt he didn’t deserve them.
That was partly because of how his father had treated him when he was growing up, but also because of the line of work he did where compassion wasn’t high on the list of priorities.
And probably, he thought, because he felt unworthy of kindness and compassion.
Guilt was a powerful emotion, and it could leave scars that ran deep and he knew he had failed to fight for the one woman, apart from his mum, who’d always shown him love and kindness.
‘He may well do.’ Lucas paid for his order, stuffed some money in the tip jar, thanked Ellie, and headed back to the table.
His father was scrolling through an article on his phone, so Lucas set his tea in front of him, then returned the tray to the counter. When he sat opposite his father again, he watched as the elderly man frowned then shook his head at his phone.
‘What is it?’ Lucas asked.
‘The world today. It’s gone mad.’
‘I can agree with that.’ Lucas sighed.
‘All these social media sites and apps and what’s happening around the world.
It’s a sorry state of affairs.’ His father poured tea into his cup with a wobbly hand, then added a sugar cube from the bowl on the table.
‘People can earn a living now just from dancing around on a video and posting it online. They can host a site where they pose for photos wearing very little and have subscribers. It’s crazy how much things have changed. ’
‘True.’ Lucas sipped his latte. Things had changed quickly in recent years and would continue to do so.
His mum wouldn’t recognise the world today from the one she’d left.
But people were essentially the same as they’d always been.
They had wants and needs, hopes, and dreams. They loved and lost and yearned and endured.
The ache for his mum hurt his chest sometimes.
He tried not to think about her too much because it was so painful, but when thoughts of her crept in, he’d experience a pain not unlike toothache that gnawed at him until he pushed it away again.
Grief was something that never left you, but you could find respite from it by distracting yourself.
He wondered if his father missed her too and decided he must do, but then he probably felt some guilt as well because of what had happened.
Because of what he’d done. Some things were unforgettable and unforgivable.
Like breaking your wife’s heart because you kept having affairs.
‘So how does it feel seeing Thora again?’ his dad asked, making him choke on his coffee.
‘Oh…’ He cleared his throat and set his mug down on the table, then turned it around as he bought himself some time to think. ‘It feels … strange.’
‘I bet it does. You’ve had about half your lifetime apart.’
Lucas met his father’s eyes and tried to work out what he was thinking and feeling. Was he being cruel here, or simply insensitive? He’d never been renowned for his empathy, and so Lucas would be surprised if that had changed.
‘Yeah … half my lifetime. It’s actually quite nice to see her, though. She looks good.’
‘She’s married with children. I think I told you that at some point, didn’t I?’
‘Perhaps.’ Lucas knew he’d have shut the thought out, anyway.
Thora was meant to marry him, and they were going to have a family together, but he’d wanted that away from here.
Away from the life his parents had lived.
Thora had wanted to be close to her family so their children would know their grandparents.
‘Or is she divorced now? I honestly can’t remember.’ His father’s words hit him like a stone dropped into still water, sending a sharp ripple of hope through him. Divorced? Was she single then? After all these years, was there a chance that…
No! Don’t be ridiculous, Lucas. There’s no going back. Time has passed and you’ve both changed.
‘Is she?’ Lucas asked, trying to keep his voice calm. Was his father correct or was this one of those moments of confusion when he was talking about someone else entirely?
‘Think so. She has children though … teenagers they are. Twins!’ His father stabbed the air with a finger like he’d just had a eureka moment.
Lucas inclined his head. That did sound familiar.
Of course it did. Who was he trying to kid?
He’d known that but tried to push it away.
So, Thora had two children, and he had none.
She was probably a wonderful mother who put her children first. What kind of idiot had she married that had let her go?
What kind of man let a woman like Thora go after she’d had his twins?
You let her go…
‘Do you know them then?’ Lucas asked, while keeping his gaze on his coffee.
‘See them around from time to time. Seem all right as far as teenagers go.’ His father shrugged.
‘Not the type to cause trouble. Funny thing is though … they could have been yours!’ A coarse laugh followed this statement, and Lucas bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from snapping.
Bluntness was something he remembered well about his father, and it was always hard not to react to it.
But he had to try because what was the point in rising to it when he suspected his father didn’t mean it the way it sounded?
If the intent was malicious, that was one thing, but he doubted it was now.
‘I guess they could…’ He let the response hang in the air and turned his attention to the window.
Outside, the sky was grey, and the wind shook the trees and plants, made the fairy lights swing, but the garden was still beautiful.
Leaves carpeted the ground, the bare branches of trees reached up to the sky as if trying to touch the clouds, and everything seemed shut down for winter in a way that he could understand.
He’d been good at shutting himself down too, but whenever he returned to Porthpenny, it was harder to do.
Ageing seemed to be exacerbating the challenge.
Was that how things worked, then? He’d get to a point where he could no longer stay closed off to his past and where he’d have to face up to it before he could move on?
He turned back to the room just as the kitchen door opened and there she was. His past. Beautiful and warm, vulnerable and kind. The woman he’d once loved with all his heart and, if he was being completely honest with himself … the woman he possibly still loved.
Still?
Seeing her again had just confirmed that for him.
How it was possible to love someone you hadn’t seen in ages and who’d been through a lifetime of experiences since you were together, he wasn’t sure.
But the emotion was there, embedded deep in his being, and it hadn’t ever gone away.
Thora was the one who had always owned his heart, and he had never been able to fully let her go.
‘I’m sure she won’t bite if you want to speak to her again,’ his father said without looking up from his phone.
Lucas drained his coffee and stood up. It was true. Thora wouldn’t bite and he had to speak to her again just to check she was OK after dropping the tray. Just to check how she responded to him now, because only then would he know if there was any chance of getting to know her all over again…