Chapter 53
53
Two days before Harriet and Joe’s wedding and Libby couldn’t believe that it was beginning to snow outside.
She stood by the kitchen window in the old school and looked outside at the falling snow, deep in thought.
It had been an incredible few weeks where all her dreams had finally become true. Thanks to Joe helping create a new website, her chocolate was selling in high numbers and she had a business that she both enjoyed and was proud of.
Her relationship with her dad had never been better and it was a joy to be so close to him, closer than she had ever been. He too was looking so much happier these days. The stroke club was now meeting twice a week and new people were joining them all the time. Her dad was coming back to life and even volunteering at church. She was thrilled to see the positive change in him.
And yet, the biggest dream of all had been the change in her relationship with Ethan. Finally, after so many years of denying herself the dream she had always secretly had, she had given in to temptation. And it had never felt so right.
Her inner cynic was in a battle for her heart with its new loved-up spirit. She had even looked at one of Harriet’s wedding magazines the other day and had given a little sigh at the hope that she and Ethan might have their own special day.
She had been wrong all along about love and romance. Her friends had been right. She loved being in love, being in someone’s arms. Nothing had ever felt so right or so good as when she was with Ethan.
She knew that he was still planning to leave after the wedding and had told herself that it would be fine. She understood. The pain of his parents’ failed marriage still haunted him. But with every passing day, she was falling more and more in love with him. She had never told him. She knew it would break the magic and their relationship was so fragile, so special, that she couldn’t bear to change things in any way.
And yet it was getting harder not to tell him how she really felt.
If only he would stay. But she knew that she wasn’t enough to make that happen and it was stopping her heart from being completely full.
‘Hey, it’s snowing,’ she heard Ethan say as his arms suddenly wrapped around her.
‘I know,’ she replied, leaning back against him as they watched. ‘So much for my planned walk this afternoon. I might as well carry on working.’ She turned around to look up at him. ‘After all, what else is there to do on a snowy winter’s day?’
His eyes gleamed with promise as he drew her close. Her heart thumped in her chest. She would never be able to resist him.
Pretty soon, she forgot all about the chocolate.
But later on in the afternoon, as she tidied up the kitchen, she knew that she wouldn’t be making any chocolate for a couple of days. The next day was the eve of the wedding and then there was the big day itself.
And then Ethan would leave and she felt a dull pain deep inside. He had promised to leave her the keys to the front door so that she could come and go as she pleased. But Libby knew that it wasn’t enough. That he had the keys to her heart as well.
So when he kissed her a while later, she found herself saying, ‘I’m going to miss you when you leave.’
He groaned. ‘Me too. Libs?—’
She shook her head. ‘Don’t do it, Ethan,’ she said. ‘Don’t leave.’
She felt his whole body stiffen under her hands. ‘I’ve got to,’ he replied. ‘You know I do. I can’t fall in love. Not with anyone.’
‘But that’s rubbish,’ she told him, reaching up to take his face in her hands. ‘You love lots of people. You love your dad. Your grandad. Your brother. Why can’t you love me?’
‘Because it won’t last,’ he replied, shaking his face away from her touch. ‘It never does.’
‘I’m not your mother,’ she reminded him.
‘I know,’ he said. ‘And I care about you, you know I do. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you.’
‘I don’t want to lose you either,’ she told him. But already she knew that it was time to face up to the truth that she had been hiding from for the past few months. Ever since he had moved into the school, in fact. ‘But the truth is that I love you,’ she told him. ‘I love you with every breath in my body. And I always will.’
Ethan sucked in a deep breath as if in shock.
Libby knew that she had to be the strong one. ‘But I can’t be in a relationship that’s so one-sided. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t feel strong enough to stay and be with me. I’ve tried so hard not so say how much I love you, but I can’t lie. Not to you.’ She tried to smile, even though her heart was breaking. ‘You’re my best friend too so at the very least we have to be honest with each other. I deserve to be with someone who loves me as much as I love them. And if you don’t want that commitment, then I understand. I really do. But if you care for me as much as you say you do, then you have to let me go now. After all these years, I think I deserve that, don’t you?’
He was still for a long while and for a moment she thought he was going to step forward and take her in his arms once more, to finally tell her what she longed to hear.
But in the end, he merely nodded and dropped his arms down to his side.
She felt a chill run through her. He had made his choice and it wasn’t her.
‘Okay,’ she told him in a shaky voice. ‘Well, thank you for listening to me.’
She knew that she had to walk away from him whilst she was strong enough to. But it was the hardest thing she had ever had to face and she only held back the tears until she had walked out of the old school.