Chapter 12
TWELVE
JUMPING THE GUN
H olden
I don’t usually jerk off in the shower to thoughts of a woman when she’s right across the hall, but I’ve been hiding out in my bedroom, and I need to release some sexual tension. It’s not the first time I’ve come with my own hand thinking about Briar and I’m sure it won’t be the last. For some reason I can’t stop obsessing over her. There’s something about her that makes me want more. I want to be around her all the time, I want her attention on me. When she looks at me with her emerald-green eyes, even from across the room, I can feel it like a heat across my skin.
I want her. That’s exactly why I’ve stayed away from her. It hasn’t been easy though. It’s taken every ounce of my strength to not be near her. Not to kiss her senseless or pick her up and carry her to my bed and strip her bare and make her feel good. Briar deserves to feel good. She deserves to be worshipped, and I wish I was the guy who got to do that.
Fuck. I grip my aching cock in frustration. I need to get off. I need to take the edge off. I need more than a hallway separating Briar and me. I need a whole damn city between us.
I want to tell her that I’ve never thought about a woman more than I have thought about her. That I’ve never slept more peacefully than I did that week she slept in my bed. I want to tell her that I like making her tea and I look forward to getting up in the mornings knowing that I get to have breakfast with her.
Only I can’t tell her any of those things because she doesn’t see me the same way that I see her. So instead, I’ve kept a distance. It’s better this way. It won’t hurt as much when she moves out and I watch her walk away.
For the next couple of months, I’ll try my best to avoid her even though that will be next to impossible considering we live together. But that’s my own fault for sleeping with Briar. Sex with my roommate was a bad idea; it’s a line I should have been smart enough not to cross.
My brain shuts off when my balls begin to ache. I feel like I’ve never needed a release so much in my life.
“Jesus.” My cock throbs, blood rushing to my groin. I keep stroking as it hardens and lengthens while the hot spray of water from the shower flows down my back. I keep jerking my dick in my hand, feeling it plumping while I imagine Briar in those short shorts that she wears around the house. My dick throbs and the base of my spine tingles when visions of her tits fill my mind… the elegant column of her throat when I sucked on her neck and the curve of her hips that are almost as perfect as her ass.
My god, yes. Fuck, it feels good. I needed this.
Pleasure coils its way up my spine as I tighten my grip, increasing my pace. Pictures of Briar in my bed; her smile, the way her teeth nibble on her bottom lip when she’s unsure or nervous, the way her stomach muscles flexed and relaxed when I was deep inside her.
My hand moves faster, my whole body beginning to tremble when my orgasm teases me, threatening to take me over the edge.
I feel guilty for a split second that I’m imagining Briar while I jerk my cock, but not enough to stop. I think about how tight and wet she felt when I was deep inside her, hand running over the length of me from root to tip before I focus on the head, twisting and tugging.
“Briar…” I grit out her name when my balls begin to draw up and my vision goes black and I see stars, my orgasm barreling into me at full speed as I shoot my load all over the tile wall.
I try to catch my breath, my forehead dropping to the tile. Get your shit together , Holden , I tell myself, turning around so the spray of water hits the front of me. I squirt some body wash into my hand to clean the jizz off my body then clean the tile wall before turning off the water and drying myself with a towel.
As good as the release felt, when I slip into bed a few minutes later, my mind is still on Briar. I hate that she’s just across the hall from me, but I can’t touch her. She’s so close but so far away.
Dammit, I must be superhuman for not walking out of this room and down the hall to her bedroom and telling her everything she needs to hear before I strip her out of her clothes.
I groan. That would only ruin things between us. She doesn’t want me the way I want her. Some idiot fucked her up so badly that she thinks all guys will hurt her. And maybe she’s not wrong. I wish I could give her everything she wants, but we both know I’m just as messed up as her. I’ve spent years building walls around my heart to keep everyone out… until Briar walked into my life with a sledgehammer. Despite the intense need I feel to be close to her, I have to accept that I can’t be the guy for her.
I’ll have to settle for being her friend, and her fake boyfriend. But part of me knows that will never be enough.
I walk across the lawn to Jake’s place, relieved for the excuse to get out of the house. It’s been five days since Briar, and I had dinner with my parents. One week since we spent the night together. Things between us are as tense as ever.
So, when Jake texted to say that Everly was taking the kids to her parents’ place and he was hosting a guys’ night, I jumped at the invite. My alternate plan for the evening was to stay in my room and avoid Bee, so the text came at the perfect time.
She was reading one of her romance books at the breakfast bar in the kitchen when I left the house. She looked up as I walked by and smiled, and I did my usual head nod before heading out the front door. That seems to be the only way we communicate these days.
How long can we keep doing this? It’s already uncomfortable when our paths cross at the house, what will it feel like after another few weeks? Or at Amy’s wedding, where we’re supposed to be pretending to be a couple? What was I thinking having sex with the girl I’m sharing my home with? The knot in my chest tightens thinking about the space I’ve intentionally put between us. But there isn’t another option. It’s what I need to do.
Grayson and Tucker are already at Jake’s, and I find the three of them sitting on the porch with beers in their hands .
“Hey, man.” Jake stands and drags a chair from across the porch to where the guys are sitting. “Have a seat, I’ll get you a beer.”
I take a seat, nodding at Jake when he hands me a Miller Lite from the cooler. “Thanks, man.”
“Welcome. How’s it going?”
“All good,” I reply. Okay, so that’s a lie, but I don’t want to talk about it. “How are the kids?”
“Great, man. West is walking all over the place and he said Dad the other day. His first word. Everly was pissed.” He chuckles before taking a swig of his beer. “And Birdie is the best big sister. She’s always on the floor playing with him, making him laugh. She’s such a good kid.”
Jake beams. Who knew Jake Matthews—serious, grumpy Jake Matthews— would be so damn happy being a dad? Turns out he’s a natural. No matter what day of the week it is, you’ll always catch him outside on the front lawn running soccer drills with Birdie. He even stepped up as the assistant coach on her soccer team. And when he’s not busy with Birdie, he’s playing with West or rocking him to sleep.
“How are things going over at your house?” Tucker asks, leaning back in his chair and crossing one ankle over his knee.
“They’re fine.”
Tucker doesn’t even bother to hide the smirk on his face. “Briar told Daisy that things are kind of tense between you two. What’s up?”
There’s no point in hiding it. I don’t even have the energy to keep up the pretense. Obviously, Briar has said something to Daisy. How much? I’m not sure. The thing is, I want to be able to talk to my buddies, and I know I can trust them. Anything I tell them on this porch will go no further than the four of us .
“We hooked up.” Might was well rip the Band-Aid right off.
“Would you like us to act surprised?” Jake asks, as the other two laugh.
“It only happened once. The next morning, I was ready to see where things could go between us… and then she shut me down, and we haven’t talked much since.”
“You’ve been avoiding one another?” Tuck asks.
“Basically.”
“And how’s that been going, seeing as you’re both living in the same small house?”
“Fucking terrible,” I admit.
“Okay, so what were her reasons for shutting things down?”
“Fuck if I know. I guess she’s not into me.”
“But you’re into her?”
I scrub a hand over the scruff on my jaw. “I am. Fuck, I wish I wasn’t, but I’m definitely attracted to her. But it’s complicated. I mean, we live together, she’s Daisy’s best friend, she’s getting over her dickhead ex-boyfriend who messed her up pretty bad. Plus, I swore to myself I wouldn’t hookup after things went south with Aubrey. I’m trying to work on shit, get my head straight. The last thing I need is a relationship. I think I’ve proven that I’m shit at those.” I think about the fights, the making up, how I pushed Aubrey away and how awful it was when we broke up. I don’t have it in me to go through that again. “I think Briar and I are both messed up from past relationships.”
“And you’re not willing to just try with her?”
“I thought about it.”
“And?” Grayson asks.
“Honestly, I worry I’d just fuck it up. Besides, she wants to get married. She wants kids. I’m not interested in any of that and she knows it.” My jaw flexes. “I’ve never seen myself with a family.”
“That’s what he said.” Tucker flicks a thumb at Jake.
“I know.” I exhale, leaning back in my chair. “I’m not saying I won’t change my mind one day, but I can’t guarantee it, so what’s the point in giving Bee the run around?”
“Beeeeee,” Tucker drags it out. “How sweet… you already have cute nicknames for one another.”
“Fuck off.”
“Look, I know you say you can’t imagine having kids, but I think you’re jumping the gun, here, Holdey,” Grayson says. “Maybe you just haven’t met the right girl, one you can imagine having a family with. I know you’re great with Sadie.”
“I’m co-signing this. You are great with my kids,” Jake adds.
“Maybe you’re right. I don’t know…” I take a long pull of my beer. The truth is I’m not sure what I want anymore. Do I want kids? I can’t picture it, but I know I want something with Briar.
“Have you at least told her that you like her?” Jake asks.
I swallow. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I didn’t get a chance. She told me the next morning that nothing more could happen between us. There wasn’t much for me to say after that.”
“Maybe, but I still think it wouldn’t hurt if you told her how you feel. Let her decide if you’re worth getting to know better. I’ve seen the way that girl looks at you. Hell, I’ve seen the way you look at her too. There is definitely something there. Last weekend at Catch 21, you two weren’t exactly subtle. You may as well have pushed aside the nachos and fucked right there on the table,” Grayson says as Tucker chuckles.
“Not sure what’s so funny.”
“Gray is funny as hell,” Tucker laughs.
I roll my eyes.
“Listen,” Jake says. “I’m not trying to push you. We can stop talking about this. I just want to make sure that you know how natural you are with kids. My two love it when you come over. Birdie tells me you make her laugh the most.”
Grayson’s hands go up in the air. “What the f—”
“Shut up, Gray,” Jake cuts him off.
“I’m definitely funnier than Holden,” Grayson argues.
“Not to Birdie, you aren’t.”
Grayson clutches his chest as if his heart is broken.
“I’m not saying you need to have kids of your own, but I hope you’ve really put some thought to it.” Jake’s hand claps my shoulder.
It’s so damn good to have friends that I can talk to. It’s a bonus that they live right next door. Jake was the last guy I thought would ever settle down and have a family. But it was so easy for him to connect with Everly’s daughter, Birdie, then fall seamlessly into the role of being a husband and a dad.
He has a point—I love spending time with Birdie and West. I love spending time with Sadie. I may not be an official uncle, but that’s what they call me and that’s what I feel like to them. What is it about me that doesn’t know if I’m cut out to have kids of my own?
I had a great childhood with two parents who loved me. They even handled their divorce in a way that made my brother and me realize at the time that it was the best decision for the family. I have only good memories of growing up. So, why can’t I picture having a family?
I look out at the ocean across the street. The weather will begin to change soon, and we won’t be able to sit outside like this in the evenings. By that time, Briar will have moved out and who knows how often I’ll see her then. I do know that I’m going to miss having her around. I should probably stop avoiding her and start enjoying the time we have left together.
“I know you, Holden, and if you’re here opening up to us about Briar, then you’re already in deep,” Grayson says. “You were celibate for way too fucking long before Briar. I’m surprised you even remembered how to use it. You’re a good guy. It’s time to find someone who will be there for you after a long day. Someone to spend your nights with. You won’t find anyone sweeter than Briar. You can’t avoid the girl forever. Might as well face up to it.”
I take a deep breath and then exhale it out again.
“There’s one thing I haven’t told you yet,” I say. “I’m bringing Briar as my date to Amy’s wedding. She’s pretending to be my girlfriend. All her idea, for the record.”
Tucker almost spits out his beer. “You’re shitting us, right?”
“I’m not.” Now that I’m saying this all out loud, I’m not even sure it makes sense. “I already brought her to my mom’s house for dinner. She met my mom, Barb, and my dad.”
“As your fake girlfriend?” Tucker asks.
“Yup.”
“Oh boy.” Tucker barks out a laugh. “You’re not just in deep, you’re fucking drowning.”
“Are you okay? Have you gone temporarily insane?” Grayson asks. “I really need some clarity here. ”
“The short version is that Briar found the invite before I did. When I explained to her that I didn’t want to go because Amy is my ex, she offered to be my date… my fake girlfriend or whatever. At first, I told her absolutely not, but… she can be very persuasive, and she made it sound like fun.”
Tucker studies me. Having been my roommate for years, he knows me the best out of the guys. “You didn’t think it through at all when you agreed, did you?”
“No, not really.” I shake my head. “Apparently, I can’t say no when it comes to Briar.”
“You mean Beeeee,” Tucker smirks.
I flip him off.
“Should make for an interesting night.” Jake takes a sip of his beer and then burst into laughter. “This is the fucking cherry on the sundae of my day.”
I know they’re right—this is a crazy plan, especially considering the fact that Briar and I are barely speaking to one another at the moment. But if I’m being honest with myself, I’m actually looking forward to the date. Fake or not, the thought of spending an evening with her sends a spark of electricity deep in my belly. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks. I’ll be proud to walk into the wedding with Briar on my arm.
I’m grateful to the guys for hearing me out, but I’ve had enough of talking about my fucked up life, so I steer the conversation to easier topics. We drink a couple more beers as darkness falls, until Everly comes home with the kids. West is sound asleep in his car seat, so she says a quick hello and then heads inside to put him to bed. Birdie, on the other hand, is only too happy to position herself in the middle of the porch and tell us every detail of her visit with her grandparents. Eventually, Jake tells her it’s time for bed and the rest of us take that as our cue to head home .
I push open the front door, hoping to find Briar still awake, but I’m disappointed when she’s nowhere to be found. I quietly walk to my room, glancing at her closed bedroom door. I can’t help but wonder if she is regretting ever moving in here, even if it is just temporary. It’s possible that she’s gotten tired of having a roommate who barely talks to her. I wouldn’t blame her.
I sit on the edge of my mattress, wishing I could get out of my head. Wishing I could stop thinking about Briar for just one night.
And if I can’t do that, then what do I do next?