Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
TELL ME TO STAY
B riar
I trace the rim of my water glass, staring at the untouched sandwich on the table. My new apartment is beautiful—anyone would think so. A top-floor unit with huge windows, gleaming floors, and a kitchen that will get a lot of use. But with all that said, it’s just another place that isn’t his.
I think back to when we walked through my apartment together. I wanted him to care. Wanted him to smile at the bright-white kitchen, joke about how I’d fill the empty bookshelves with romance books with naked dudes on the cover, but most of all pull me close and say, The place is nice, but you’re not moving in here. You belong at home with me.
But he hadn’t.
I take a sip of water, ignoring the sting in my throat. This feeling is familiar. It was there when my dad left without looking back. It was there when I found Justin with someone else, as if I had been nothing more than a placeholder. And now, here it is again—this aching certainty that I’m not someone people choose to keep .
I set my glass down with a thud, the weight of it settling deep in my chest.
I hoped Holden would be the one to prove me wrong.
And once again, I’m still hoping.
Earlier that day he barely spoke to me before he left for work in the morning. I thought maybe I was just being hypersensitive, but that night he was quiet; he seemed to barely register the fact that I was there.
I thought things were better last night when he could barely get me through the door without mauling me, but today the silence returned. When I asked him if there was a day he preferred to help me move out, he said, as soon as you want. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since.
All the signs are there. Holden has been distant. I would be a fool to ignore that. It wasn’t that long ago that he told me he didn’t see a family in his future. Maybe now that the baby news has really sunk in, his initial excitement is fading. I know Holden will be a good dad to our child, but I also know there are no guarantees that means he and I will be together.
Maybe it’s for the best. When I arrived back in Reed Point, I was fresh off my break-up with Justin, and then my relationship with Holden moved so quickly. It might be good for me to be on my own, to stand on my own two feet. If we put a little distance between us, we can date like a couple would normally do. It doesn’t have to be a breakup, even though it feels a lot like one.
It might even make our relationship stronger. A newborn can put a lot of stress on a relationship, so it’s probably best for us to have some space.
It will be a good thing. It has to be.
And if Holden has decided he wants to put distance between us, I will still have little Slugger and my cute new apartment.
And a broken heart.
I have 10 minutes left on my lunch break, so I send Holden a text. I need something from him. Anything that tells me we’re going to be okay.
Briar: How does spaghetti carbonara sound for dinner tonight? Thought I’d stop at the store and pick up what I need on my way home.
I wait for a response from him, but when none comes, I toss my garbage into the bin with a heavy sigh and walk back to my desk.
When my phone buzzes 20 minutes later, I knock over my glass of water in my rush to pick it up. I swipe the screen to life as I sop up the spill with a napkin.
Holden: Sounds good, but I have to stop at my mom’s to help her with her garage door. I’m not sure how long I’ll be.
Tossing the device onto my desk, I stare up at the ceiling in frustration. I’m disappointed that I may not see him tonight since things feel so tense between us, but I know Holden well enough to know that if someone he cares about needs him, he’ll be there for them as soon as he can. That’s one of the things I love about him.
There are just so many things I want to say to Holden. I wish I knew how he is feeling. I wish I had the guts to ask him. But I’m too afraid of what his answer will be to have that conversation.
A few minutes later, after I’ve composed myself, I pick up my phone and reply.
Briar: Say hi to your moms for me. I’ll save you some pasta. Have a good night.
I stare at my phone, willing him to answer.
Say something.
Say anything.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me to stay.
He doesn’t reply, and my heart hurtles to the ground.
I’m trying not to spiral, but the overwhelming feeling that he’s shutting me out eats at me. If I was braver, I would tell him that moving in with him on Haven Harbor is the best thing to ever happen to me. I would tell him that I never want to leave, that my home is wherever he is.
But I can’t.
The fear of being rejected is too overwhelming.
So instead of calling Holden, I chew on my bottom lip while my heart continues to ache, missing him. I know deep down that it’s irrational, but that’s the way insecurities work.
The sound of Birdie’s laughter floats across the lawn as I cross the road from the beach.
She and Jake are kicking a soccer ball around, something they do most nights after dinner. Slipping my sunglasses onto my head, a smile tips my lips. The evening sun is shining down on Birdie even though it’s chilly, but it pales in comparison to the smile on her face when she sees me.
“Auntie Bee,” she hollers, running to the edge of the lawn and throwing her arms around my thighs before her little hand drifts to my belly. “Have you named the baby, yet? I have a few good ideas if you want to hear them.”
“Of course I do. I want to hear them all,” I tell her, smoothing her hair and placing my hand next to hers over my shirt. I’m wearing one of Holden’s old baseball T-shirts under my puffer jacket, my belly stretching the thin cotton. It’s still warm enough to wear my jacket unzipped, but in a few hours when the sun sets, there will be a deep chill.
“Walking by yourself?” Jake asks, lightly kicking the soccer ball in Birdie’s direction. “Did you lose Holden?”
“He’s at his mom’s,” I answer, looking down at my shoes. “It’s feeling like my after-dinner walks will be coming to an end soon, so I’m enjoying them while I can, with or without him.”
“Getting tired?”
“I’m definitely slowing down.” Between work and the baby stealing my energy, I have very little left in my tank these days. Most nights after dinner and my evening walk, I’ve been curling up on the couch to watch a show. Most of the time, I fall asleep halfway through.
“Why don’t you join us? We were just going to the backyard to sit around the fire table. Birdie wants to roast marshmallows and Everly is going to meet us out there after she’s done putting West down.”
“I don’t want to impose.”
“Come on, Auntie Bee. Please.” Birdie picks up her soccer ball and tosses it to her dad while I melt a little at hearing her call me Auntie Bee.
“Okay, one marshmallow, then I better head home.”
“Yay!” she hollers, then she takes off for the back yard. When she’s out of sight, Jake’s eyes lock on mine.
“I haven’t heard from Holden in a few days. Tell him if he doesn’t start returning my calls, I’m going to come knock down his door.”
I shouldn’t be happy that he hasn’t heard from Holden either, but it gives me a glimmer of hope. Maybe it isn’t just me that he’s pushing away. Maybe there’s something else that’s weighing on his mind. I wish I knew what is really going on with him so that I can stop second-guessing everything.
“Are you okay?” Jake frowns “You seem quiet.”
“I’m good, just a lot going on. My apartment is ready. I’m moving in next week.”
“Sorry, what?” Jake asks, a curious look in his eyes. “Is Holden moving with you?”
“No, just me.”
I feel awkward talking about this with Holden’s best friend. And considering the fact that I’m terrible at concealing my emotions right now and likely to burst into tears at any moment, I should probably stop talking and head home.
“Oh… okay.” He scratches his head. “I just… well, it really doesn’t matter. If you need help with the move, just let me know.”
“Thanks, Jake. I appreciate it.”
We walk together to the backyard to find Birdie already has a marshmallow hovering over the fire under Everly’s watchful supervision. The first couple burn and drop into the fire, but the third one turns out just right.
We spend the next 10 minutes or so chatting, the fire casting a magical glow around the small yard. Birdie talks Jake into letting her have one extra marshmallow—he doesn’t stand a chance against her, she’s way too cute—before Everly takes her into the house to wash her sticky fingers and get ready for bed. I say goodbye and make my exit, heading back to the house next door.
Holden’s not home when I step inside, and the house feels lonely and eerily quiet. Everything feels off. Bear must sense it too when she struts to the end of the bed, leisurely swishing her tail side-to side, with her beryl-green eyes focused on me. She purrs affectionately, rubbing her head against my thigh as I absentmindedly stroke the soft fur between her ears.
I change out of my clothes and into the oversized T-shirt of Holden’s that doubles as my pajamas these days, then climb into bed without him for the first time in months. The sun has slipped below the horizon and there’s a chill in the air outside, but I leave the window open just enough to hear the rushing echo of the waves against the beach.
I miss him. The bed feels far too big and empty without Holden next to me. I prop a few pillows behind my back and reach for my laptop. I have an email to look over and a rental agreement to sign. In six more days, I’ll be living in my new apartment, pregnant and all alone.
I sigh, running my hand over my belly as I make a mental to-do list. This little boy is going to need a nursery: a crib, change table, maybe a cute little mobile and some artwork for the walls. I’d love a rocking chair if I can find one. I’m also going to need to choose a paint color for the walls. Maybe a pale blue?
I have so much to do, but I’m too tired to think about it. Instead, I lie here with Bear keeping me company and try to focus on the contract on my screen.