Chapter 36
36
Bishop
Christmas with Anais was the best gift I could’ve asked for, but I know it was difficult for her. Not being with her mom and gramma was tough. I told her I’d fly her right back if she wanted to see them, but she refused saying she needed to be away from the madness that would come with being there.
So we spent Christmas Eve with just one another, watching Christmas movies and wishing it would snow. Fat chance since it was still sixty-five degrees out. The next morning we woke early and I made my girl her favorite breakfast. Pancakes with blueberries and honey. Then we showered together, had some extra fun with the bubbles and powerful shower head –totally worth the investment– and headed over to spend the day with my mom and dad where we ate too much and opened too many gifts that my parents bought for us.
Mom spoiled Anais with pajamas and blankets and an expensive purse and a gift certificate for the two of them to have a spa day. Anais cried and hugged her for about ten minutes straight. I later thanked my mom for making her day better.
And when the last gift was opened, and the last slice of pecan pie had been eaten, the two of us went home and crawled into bed and played dirty Santa and naughty Mrs. Claus.
Now it’s the morning of New Year’s Eve, and Anais is taking an hour-long shower to prepare for our date to the ballet because she’s been bugging to see the Nutcracker, followed by an elegant dinner and ringing in a new year together. Just the first of many.
My phone buzzes and I bring it to life only to freeze with my heart in my throat.
Day: Hi Uncle Bishop. I want to thank you for my amazing Christmas gift. I wish I could’ve seen you because I miss you and Ana tons. Maybe soon. I love you Uncle Bishop. Bunches and bunches.
I inhale, warding off the tears that threaten to fall, and reply.
Me: You’re welcome Day. And I miss you too. Oodles and oodles. I promise I’ll see you soon. Cross my heart. I love you. Bunches and bunches.
I watch as dots bounce on the screen but I’m interrupted from seeing her response when my doorbell rings. I look around, confused, because mom and dad said they were going to stay home tonight when I invited them with us.
I shuffle down the stairs and fling open the door, figuring it’s a delivery. Imagine my surprise when it was not a delivery.
“Nix. What-what are you doing here?” I look beyond him and see Anais’ car in the driveway, Vivian standing by it with her hands tangled together in front of her.
“Can I talk to you for a moment? I promise, I just want to talk. I brought Viv to be a referee,” he jokes, but I don’t laugh.
I dip my chin and hold the door open, moving to the side to allow them in.
Viv walks timidly towards me and b efore stepping in she says, “Hey Bish,” then wraps her arms around me in a quick hug.
“Hey Red,” I tell her with a short pat on her back.
I follow them upstairs and invite them to sit down.
“Would either of you like a drink?”
Vivian shakes her head, “No thank you. I’m good.”
Phoenix, however, says, “Yes. Please. I could really use some water.”
I grab one of Anais’ beloved mineral waters from the fridge and pop the top before handing it to him.
He takes a big gulp, practically drinking it all down in one swig, and says, “Thanks. I needed that.”
“Sure thing.”
He sets the bottle down and begins breathing heavily. Viv rubs his back, urging him to say what he came here to say. When he lifts his head, I see his eyes glistening and I almost fall over.
“I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry for thinking you were taking advantage of Anais. I’m sorry for laying my hands on you. I’m sorry for ever thinking you were anything but a friend. And I’m sorry for all of the turmoil I’ve caused.”
I sit quietly for a minute, thinking and processing. I war with myself over instantly forgiving him, forgetting all that has happened just to have my brother back. But the hurt is so deep, a scab that has barely begun to heal, I just do not know how to move forward.
“You know I didn’t plan for this to happen? I never wanted to jeopardize our friendship, but sometimes your heart doesn’t listen to your brain when it comes to the person you love.” I shrug because that’s all I have to give.
Then I think about the way his fist flew at me, not caring who he was hurting or how, and my anger starts to boil. I’ve had plenty of time to think about that day, and while I know I can forgive, I don’t know that I’ll ever forget. This has the words pouring from my mouth.
“Am I not good enough for her? Would you rather her meet some punk that really would take advantage of her? Shouldn’t it be enough that I love her so much that I’d lay my life on the line for her? Because that is exactly what I did. I went into this knowing you’d be an gry, but I also knew that I’d do anything for her. I’d never lift a finger to you. Yet you had no problems destroying me. My heart, our friendship. Did it ever cross your mind just to stop and listen?”
“I know. I was just in shock and then upset because everyone hid it from me and I just…I lost it.” He pauses and drops his head into his hands, scrubbing his face. “You’re my best friend, Bish. You’re my brother and I’m hurt that you would pursue a relationship with my niece, and then hide it from me.”
“He didn’t pursue me. I just wouldn’t allow him to not see me.” I look over Nix’s shoulder to see Anais standing there, her hair in smooth waves and her makeup done to simple perfection.
I see Nix’s jaw click, realizing she has obviously been staying with me. He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment, then opening them to see her again. She walks over to the table, dressed in nothing more than a Rice sweatshirt and leggings, and sits in the last open chair.
“Do you know how many times Bishop acted like I didn’t exist but I did everything in my power to make him notice me. I willed him to look in my direction. I tested his limits, and pushed him far beyond what any other man could handle. I told myself I wouldn’t stop until he broke because I knew, in my heart, that we were meant for each other.”
She places her hand on mine and my first instinct is to pull away. But I’m tired of cowering in the dark, so I flip my hand over and lace our fingers together. Nix watches with a keen eye, and I can tell he’s biting back the words he so desperately wants to say.
“It’s going to take me a little time, okay? This isn’t easy for me.”
“You think it was easy for me? Hiding something this big from my best friend? I wanted nothing more than to share this with you. The way you shared your feelings for Viv with me, I wanted the same. I finally found the one, but I couldn’t celebrate the fact because I knew how you’d react. Everyone knew. We all have to tiptoe around you, man. And I’m sorry that she just happens to be your niece, but I won’t apologize for loving her.” My chest heaves and Anais rubs my arm, reminding me that if nothing else exists, w e have one another.
Nix rubs his palms over his face and Vivian lays her hand on his back for support.
“Fuck. I know you’re right. It’s just hard to process it all. To admit that the little girl whose hand I held when she was scared is grown up. To realize that she’s in love with my best friend and that I hurt him. I know the kind of man you are, and I know you don’t do anything without thinking about it first. The pros, the cons, the what if’s. And yeah, I’d sure as shit want to kill some punk for laying his hands on her. But in that moment, all I saw was how you two betrayed me.”
“Just like always, you can’t see past your anger,” Anais adds, only adding to the guilt he carries.
He looks at her, emotion swirling thickly in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Peanut. The way I hurt you, it’s an indescribable pain. All I’ve ever wanted is to protect you. But now I see just how I’ve hurt you. It hit me when you walked out right before Christmas. It was the first time we didn’t celebrate as a family. I didn’t have my niece that I’ve spent eighteen Christmases with to witness the joy in her eyes when she opened her gifts. I couldn’t hug her or laugh while we made a mess in mom’s kitchen. No leaving cookies for Santa and writing a silly letter, asking for outrageous gifts. Then I thought about what it would be like to have Bishop there with us, celebrating and creating new memories as part of our family. And it hurt knowing that I may have ruined all of that. Forever.”
I watch his throat work up and down to swallow back the emotions that clog it. My heart that I had convinced didn’t need anyone but Anais, suddenly reconsiders its stance on shutting everyone else out.
“I’m sorry, too. To both of you. Ana, you were right to call me out. I acted horribly to a guy who’s always been our protector. I couldn’t see past Phoenix’s anger long enough to realize that he finally found what he had been looking for all of these years.”
I observe her and see a sight that the tough gal Viv rarely shows. The emotional, vulnerable side proves that the hard exterior is si mply a coat of armor. A tear falls and I can’t take it anymore. I slide my chair back and go to Viv, scooting her chair back and picking her up in a big bear hug.
She hugs me back, as tight as her little body lets her, and she quietly cries into my shoulder. She’s my best friend and I can’t stand to see her hurt.
“I’m sorry, Bish. I was a bad friend and I will never do that again. Please forgive me because I can’t stand the distance and I miss my friend. The girls all miss their fifth sister. Gossip time just isn’t the same without you.”
“What?” Nix is loud but his face reflects the hurt he feels. “You all let him gossip with you? Damn, Peaches. Do I mean nothing to you?”
Vivian rolls her eyes then smarts, “Oh my god. You are so needy. I’ll add you to the gossip chain. But don’t come bitching when Cami and CeCe start talking about all the crazy sex they’re having with their husbands.”
His eyes grow large and his normally olive skin looks slightly puce.
“Never mind. I’m fine being out to the loop.” He looks at me as if to ask if I’m okay with that?
I hold up my hands and tell him, “Hey man, I don’t love knowing some of this shit, but I’ve gotten used to it. I just try to block it out. Especially the shit Viv says about you two.”
This has Nix smiling wide and proud. “Oh yeah? What’s she saying?”
I shake my head because there is no way in hell I’m repeating those words.
“So do you forgive me or what, Bish? I’m not one for groveling on my knees, but I’ll do it if I have to.”
I chuckle and it rumbles deep in my chest. “Getting on your knees isn’t necessary. I’m not sure Nix would like that too much.” I pull her back into my arms and rest my chin on her little head. “I missed you too, Red. And I forgive you. I did a long time ago. I w as just waiting for you to catch up.”
“And Phoenix? Do you forgive him? Do you think you’ll be able to get past this enough to go back to the way we used to be?” she hiccups, the remnants of her crying still hanging on.
I inhale and exhale a deep breath and close my eyes. What Nix did hurt me like I never thought he was capable of doing. I understand to a point. His best friend dating his much younger niece. I think I could feel a pretty deep sense of betrayal, but never enough to raise a hand to my friend the way he did.
“I do, Nix. I forgive you. But you gotta understand, nothing has hurt me more than the man I consider family thinking I would ever take advantage of anyone, much less his niece. Be angry. Yell at me. But fuck man…your fists hurt my heart just as much as they did my body.”
I watch his nostrils flare and his breathing turn faster but it isn’t in anger. It’s guilt and shame I see written all over his face.
“I understand. And as long as you can forgive Viv, then I can learn to accept that we just won’t ever be us again. I deserve it.” His jaw flexes and his throat moves, working to push his emotions away.
“I didn’t say we’d never go back to us,” I tell him. “I just said I need some time to get over it. The injuries have healed, but the pain still remains.”
“Okay,” he says, nodding his head. “I’m okay with that.”
We stare at one another for a moment longer when I finally break the stand off and step forward, giving him a hug. He claps my back with one hand while holding tightly with the other. He sniffs and I take a step back and he quickly wipes his eyes.
“So, uh,” he says, clearing his throat. “Peaches and I finally set a date for the wedding. I’d love it if you could be there. As more than a guest, but I know that’s something you need more time to think about. But it would be really great if you were there to protect me from what this one might say or do.”
Viv smacks his stomach and hisses. “You jerk. You better hope I show up at all. I have half a mind to make you wait another year.”
“Like hell, Vivian Rhona. You’ re marrying me in March if I have to tie you up, dump your ass in a wheelbarrow and push you down the aisle.”
“Oh Romeo, oh Romeo, how you woo me with your sweet words.” She rolls her eyes and I smile because that’s the Viv I know and love.
“Of course I’ll be there. I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else than beside my best friends.”
We hear a sniff and turn to see Anais in tears. Without a second thought, I reach out and pull her to me, wrapping her up in my arms.
“What’s wrong, baby girl?” I kiss the top of her head and squeeze tighter when her arms loop around my waist.
She shakes her head and burrows deeper like she’s trying to crawl inside me.
“Peanut,” Nix calls out. “Can you look at me please?”
She wipes her now ruined makeup across my shirt and reluctantly turns her head to look at Nix.
“I’m sorry. A real and genuine sorry. Not an apology with exceptions or conditions. You own part of my heart, kiddo, and it doesn’t beat the same without you in my life. I hope one day you can find it in you to forgive this–what did you call me?”
Anais tries hard to muffle the laugh, but it comes out anyway.
“Uh, which time? What I said to your face or behind your back?” she teases.
“Ouch,” Nix stabs at his chest like he’s been wounded. “Fair enough.”
“I forgive you…a little. I just need more time.” She holds her index finger and thumb just millimeters apart, one eye closed.
“So, I’m guessing you two have plans for tonight?” Nix rocks back on his feet.
“Yeah. We’re headed to the ballet soon, and then we have dinner reservations.” Anais’ smile has returned and I feel lighter. Like the pile of bricks that sat there have been cleared away, one by one.
“The ballet?” Nix scrunches his face and earns yet another smack from Viv. “I mean, cool. The ballet.”
“Well, if you guys are free afterwards, maybe you can stop by Cami and Vaughan’s to countdown the new year? Like last year?” Viv shifts her weight from side to side, and I am still shocked by this side of her that I’ve never witnessed before.
I’m not sure if I like it. I’m used to the spitfire who speaks her mind and isn’t afraid of anything or anyone.
“We’ll try and stop by,” Anais answers for us.
Nix smiles and Vivian wears one to match.
“We’re going to dress up like last year,” Viv adds. “But you guys don’t have to since it’s last minute.”
“Oh. We’re dressing up. We already had it planned for tonight.” Anais’ eyes light up and something of mine lights up as I recall the vision of her spinning in a circle for me as she tried it on at that store.
I clear my throat and make a slight and hopefully unnoticeable adjustment. “Yeah. We’ll definitely try and make it.”
We talk for a bit longer, Viv going upstairs with Anais to show off her dress and Nix and I talking baseball, before they leave to help Cami and Vaughan prep for tonight’s party.
To my surprise, I really enjoyed the ballet. Or maybe it was that I enjoyed seeing how much Anais enjoyed it. Dinner was another amazing experience.
I had a large bouquet of lavender roses dotted with white baby’s breath and a single gold butterfly sitting amongst it all delivered to the restaurant. I made special arrangements to have it sitting on her place setting when we arrived. Of course she cried and had to excuse herself to the ladies room, but came back to the table looking like the smokeshow she is.
We talked about whether or not we wanted to spend the remainder of the evening with the crew, and ultimately decided it would do us some good to be with our friends again. A great way to kick off a new year.
We were both nervous pulling up to the house and it took us several minutes before getting out of the car and making our way to the front door. I barely took my finger off the doorbell when it flew open and an excited looking Dagen stood there.
“Uncle Bishop! You came!”
She shouted and jumped up into my arms. I had to tell myself to keep it together to stop from crying.
“There’s my favorite girl.” It felt so good to see her after so many weeks.
Now I understood how Nix was feeling not having Anais there to see anytime he wanted.
“I missed you too, Ana.” I put her down and she hugged Anais, now almost as tall as her.
“I missed your face.” Anais kissed her cheek leaving behind a shiny set of lips.
“Woah! Your shoes are so pretty.” Day gushed over the gorgeous shoes that were perched on my girls’ feet.
She was wrapped in a short lavender satin dress that gathered here and gathered there. The sleeves hung off her shoulders and billowed until they gathered at her wrists. But her shoes, those were another level.
Shiny heels danced under the lights with each step she took. They looked like crystals wrapped delicately around her slender feet. The best part of them was the butterfly that sat on the back of her heel. It was beautiful with intricate, laser cut wings that looked like they were fluttering as she walked.
We were greeted by cheers and hugs and kisses when we entered the party. Cami hugged me like she was holding onto a life saving raft.
“I’m so sorry, Bish. You’re my best friend and I should’ve been there for you. I promise to never let you down again.” She kissed my cheek and I kissed hers back before reminding her that I loved her . Then I rubbed her growing belly and breathed a sigh of relief that I’d get to be here for him. Or her.
I released her only to be tugged into Vaughan’s arms. Though we had spoken often, we hadn’t seen each other in some time. It was too hard to see him and not see all the others.
Greeting the rest went pretty much the same. Hugs, apologies, tears, kisses and smiles. When I got to CeCe, she looked timid and ashamed. Besides Nix, she was one who opposed our relationship the most. It was the one that hurt me the most.
Her belly was huge with my nephew growing inside. She was a month away from bringing him into this world and I was anxious.
I approached her and she gave me a watery half smile and shrug. “I’m a jerk. What more can I say other than I’m sorry, I missed you and I love you.”
As best as I could without squishing her belly, I took her in my arms and reassured her we were good. “You’re not a jerk. You were just concerned. Thank you for looking out for me.”
After more talks about what assholes they had been -I won’t totally disagree with that- enough was forgiven that we could have a healing point to grow from. Some may think I forgave too easily, but these people are my family. Everything good and bad in my life I’ve experienced with them. We all make mistakes, choose the wrong direction every now and then. What kind of brother would I be to hold it over their head when they already feel so much guilt. I love them and we’ll always forge through the bumps and twisting turns of life as a team.
And now that team includes Anais.
“What are you thinking about?” I whisper in Anais’ ear as I come up behind her and snake my hands around her slim waist.
She looks over her shoulder and smiles at me. “Just thinking about this time last year as we stood on opposite sides of this very room. I was pining for you then, wishing you would look at me.”
“I was looking, baby girl. I was just chastising myself for doing so.”
A noise maker goes off in the dist ance and it brings our attention to the people around us, all gathering together for the countdown.
I take Anais’ hand in mine and pull her closer to the television that has the numbers flashing on the screen. The clock hits ten seconds and we all count along. When it strikes zero, I lift Anais in my arms and look into her gorgeous brown eyes. They twinkle from the lights above. Or is it the lights twinkling from her eyes?
“Happy New Year, my little butterfly.”
“Happy New Year, mi cari?o.”
She kisses me hard and I restrain myself from going further out of respect for Nix.
When we separate I caress her face and remind her, “We’ll always do it together.”
“Together.”