Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Bethany was over forty with short hair and glasses with bright red frames. She was some kind of bird shifter, given her delicate stature and prominent nose. That she was not a mind-reading witch—something Evan should’ve asked when he booked the appointment—eased some of the tension he’d been carrying.
Did the Coven only use them on agents?
There was a solid mass of fear, or something, lodged in his gut at the thought of talking about his issues. He was already broken, so she couldn’t make him worse. And there was no way for him to magically stop being a shifter, the way a witch surrendered their magic and became human. As much as he didn’t like being on four feet, the extra abilities that came with being a shifter were things he enjoyed.
“Would you like to tell me a bit about why you’re here? The note says shifter-related problems, but that could be almost anything.” She smiled, but her eyes were sharp as if any movement would reveal what he was thinking.
Evan took a drink of water, needing a couple of extra seconds before he ripped off the bandage that had kept his secrets inside for so long. While his family had told him to hide the defect, George was concerned and wanted him to stop suffering. His life wasn’t that bad…other shifters had it worse, and he was taking a valuable appointment. “It feels kind of ridiculous now I’m here.”
She tilted her head. “Because someone told you it was ridiculous?”
Being told it was ridiculous might have been an improvement. “No, I was told to snap out of it and stop being stupid.”
She made some notes on the tablet in her lap. “And when was that?”
“When I was seventeen.” He really should be over it. Perhaps there was a way to snap out of it.
“And how old were you when you began shifting?”
“Fifteen. At first, I thought it was a normal response to changing forms. Shifting is weird, right? Like this, I have hands and can talk, and as a wolf, I’m so different, but it’s still me. My thoughts don’t change. Are they supposed to change?”
“You don’t enjoy shifting?”
He ran his tongue over the back of his upper teeth. “That would be easy to explain.” Shifting wasn’t painless, even if it was done slowly, but that part didn’t bother him. He liked the stretch as his body reformed. “I don’t mind shifting. And I like letting my wolf rise to the surface in this form…but I don’t want to be a wolf.” He held his breath, waiting for laughter or something.
“Would you rather be some other animal?”
Was that a thing?
Evan shook his head. “I don’t want to be any animal. I just like the bonuses in human form.”
More note taking. The stylus in her hand moved across the screen. “How have you responded to that?”
“I’ve learnt to push out the time between shifts.” And even though he enjoyed letting his wolf out in human form, being with George had shown him that doing it too much made it that much harder to suppress.
“But that’s not good enough?”
“I thought it was…” He studied the carpet as he debated how much to tell. But what was the point of hiding? He was here, and he needed to do something even if all he found out was that he was too fucked up and this was as good as things were ever going to be. At least then he knew. “Then I started seeing another wolf.”
He did not want to discuss the details of his sex life with her. But he didn’t want to live like this for the rest of his life, even if it was only a few hours every month that he hated himself and what he was.
Maybe everybody hated themselves that much?
Bethany stayed silent and watchful. He was going to have to fill the gap or sit and watch the clock for the next forty minutes.
It wasn’t only the bandage he needed to rip off; it was all the stitches he’d put in over the year to keep himself together. Dragging this out was only going to make it worse, but what if he couldn’t shove it all back in when he walked out the door?
“I don’t like running as a wolf. I don’t like being a wolf at all. But I like it when…when he bites me.”
“Is he human at the time?”
“Yes!”
She shrugged. “Things are often more fluid between shifter couples.”
Evan stared at her. “I have no interest in doing anything as a wolf or with a wolf. But even as humans, being around him makes my shifting heat harder to control. I almost had an unexpected shift, like a teen.”
She made some more notes. “Since his shifting energy impacts you, why be with him?”
That was not an easy question to answer. In part because George was the first person he attempted to date in a while.
“Dating a human should be easier, but I don’t like the lying.” He leaned back, hoping the ceiling had more answers than the carpet. It didn’t. “I really like him. I’m here because of him. But I don’t want to shift more frequently, which I do because of him.” Could he sound any whinier? He had a well-paying job, a nice apartment, a new pack, and a… He didn’t know what he had with George. He was pretty sure they had broken up, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to call him.
He didn’t want to hear George laugh and say he’d moved on.
The whole time he was talking, her stylus kept moving. She would nod her head and make a noise.
She handed him the tablet. “Could you do this ten-question survey for me?”
“Sure.” He didn’t know if having a standard set of questions for his issue was a good thing or a bad thing. It didn’t take him long to answer them.
She tapped the screen a few times, then handed it back again. “Do you feel that description applies?”
He read the paragraph and then read it again because it described exactly how he felt when shifted and when human.
“There are a few different reasons that shifters have issues. They don’t like the actual shifting process, others feel like the wrong animal, and some experience a dysphoria when shifted, as though their animal form is the wrong body.”
Evan nodded. It was the wrong body. And if they had a survey, and she knew about it, he wasn’t the only one. He wasn’t even the only shifter with shifting-related issues. “I can be fixed?”
She gave him a sad smile as if she was disappointed in him. “You’re a doctor. You know things like that can’t be fixed.”
“Doctors aren’t witches, and there is no specialization that includes shifters.”
“True.” She gave him a small smile. “You said you don’t like running. What do you enjoy doing as a wolf?”
“Nothing. If I need to shift, I do it at home and lie on the floor with my eyes closed.” It still felt wrong, but at least he didn’t have to look at his paws.
“Your previous pack was fairly rigid?”
That was one way to describe them. “Yes.”
“Were you forced to run even though you didn’t like it?”
“Yes.” But this time, he was less certain because he didn’t know where she was going, and she was definitely going somewhere.
“And at some point, you also realized you were gay, so then you were carrying two secrets?”
Evan stared at her, wondering what point she was about to make. “And?”
“And there’s no one way to be a wolf or any kind of shifter. Perhaps you’re the kind who likes to stay home and play with dog toys, or perhaps you might enjoy your partner taking you for a walk so you feel safe in that form, or maybe you prefer being bathed and groomed. Pampered.”
Evan blinked, not sure how he was supposed to respond. “But wolves are supposed to run with their pack.”
“Run, have dinner with, socialize with… It doesn’t need to be on four feet.”
He’d never been pressured to shift and run at Kyle’s. He’d always done it out of obligation, believing that he needed to. But a part of him rebelled at her suggestions.
What would she know? She was a bird, not a wolf.
He would not be walked on a lead like a dog. But that’s what Mitchell did. Penrith took him to the park over the road in the evening. Partly because Mitchell needed to shift and work his damaged leg, but it was also because he didn’t feel safe shifting alone.
Mitchell liked shifting.
He didn’t.
“Then what do I do when I need to shift?”
“For a start, I recommend not putting it off for as long as possible because then it becomes a big deal and something you dread, which isn’t helpful. Letting your wolf rise in human form is really positive. I have dealt with shifters who won’t contemplate even doing that. Since your boyfriend is a wolf, he might have some other ideas and might be willing to try them with you.”
Evan frowned, wary about what the other ideas might entail since she’d already raised shifted sex. “Other ideas about what?”
“Finding things you can enjoy as a wolf. Maybe it is as simple as shifting and lying down with a scented candle. Or chewing a bone, or having some treats, or perhaps letting him brush you.”
His eyebrows knitted together as his body and brain rejected the idea of enjoying anything wolf related. “I don’t want to be a wolf at all.”
“And yet you are, and you enjoy some parts of it. Which is a positive thing. Because while you may feel disconnected from your other form, it is part of you, and finding a way to be in that form that doesn’t cause you distress is going to be the best possible outcome.”
Evan clenched his jaw. He didn’t want to spend more time as a wolf. “There is no part of being a wolf that I enjoy.”
“Have you tried? Because I can tell you that for most shifters lying on the ground, willing it to be over is the equivalent of putting that part of you in solitary confinement and giving it no attention and nothing to enjoy. Now you have a wolf boyfriend, and your wolf is delighting in expressing itself with him at every opportunity.”
“But it’s all me. I’m the same person in the wrong body.”
“Yes…and no. Your mind is the same, but different things come to the surface. If I saw a mouse now, I would feel no inclination to catch it and eat it. As an owl…” She lifted her eyebrows as if the implication was obvious. “I don’t like heights, but when I’m flying, that causes me no bother. My human thoughts are there, but they sink a little. When you shift, do you let your wolf thoughts surface, or do you hold on to your human thoughts?”
Evan shook his head. “I don’t know… Maybe I’m shifting all wrong.”
“I doubt that. It’s instinctive. But perhaps you could try relaxing a little? You aren’t with your old pack anymore. You are safe to be you, and it sounds as though you have a supportive boyfriend.”
Evan winced and glanced away. Had they been boyfriends? His desire had flared bright and hot, and then George had cut off the air and killed the flame. “We’re having a break. He…” George had done nothing wrong. “I blamed him for the unexpected shift, and he told me to sort my shit out. Not in those exact words. He was calm and kind and told me to call him…”
Evan was the one who’d fucked up and ruined a good thing.
Had he done that out of fear as well?
“I pushed him away, didn’t I?”
“Is that what you think you did?” Bethany asked even though they both knew the answer.
He nodded. “I was scared of having another unexpected shift.”
“Did you actually shift? And how did he handle it? Did it push him over?”
Evan’s cheeks warmed. “He was fine. Calm. I told him what was happening, and he offered a couple of solutions. I didn’t end up shifting.” It might have been better if he had.
A smile flicked over her lips as if she understood exactly how he avoided shifting. “You are taking steps to work through the issue, so perhaps calling him will be helpful. Do you think he’d have some ideas?
Evan nodded. George would have a hundred ideas, each more terrifying than the last.
“Then when you come and see me in two weeks’ time, we can see how things are going. Which means I want you to try one thing.” She held up one finger.
“You want me to shift and find one thing I like?”
“No, I’m not expecting you to like it. I want you to try something other than lying on the floor like an abandoned puppy in a pound. The first step will be to make a list of things that you are willing to try. Then pick one and do it. We can talk about it next time. But with each thing that doesn’t work, you will be closer to finding something that makes being shifted tolerable.”
“Can I ask how many other shifters have this dysphoria? How common is it?”
“Approximately one percent of shifters have some kind of shifting-related issue at some point in their lives. For some, it’s due to trauma or injury. Out of them, approximately ten percent have dysphoria of some kind. So the odds of you running into another shifter with it and them being open about it are small. Many shifters don’t seek help because they think it’s something they need to suffer through or their family or pack has silenced them. You aren’t alone, and we will work toward improving things.” She pressed her lips together and considered him for several seconds. “When you think of your wolf, perhaps it would help you to think of it as a lonely puppy. Because I doubt you would treat a puppy as cruelly as you have been treating yourself.”
“Because it’s not me.” Except it was. And the only time he let that side of himself out was if he needed something. The rest of the time, his wolf was locked up and ignored. No wonder it had wanted to play with George.
“Isn’t it? Even humans have parts of themselves they try to bury. What makes you think you’re any different?”
“So I need to make a list of things I can do in wolf form and then try one of them?” One thing. He might be able to do that.
“Yes. It would be great if you made a list of ten things.” She smiled. “I gave you a few ideas to get you started.”
Great. Another bloody list.