42. Bay
FORTY-TWO
bay
Death comes in threes.
Except one of them was a close call, and he is currently snarling at me on the phone like he’s about to rip my whole head off through it.
I’ve been in bed for three days.
On the fourth, I invited my sisters in and explained what happened.
Mae understood after a few different attempts, but Ellie only fell deeper into a state of what I can only describe as depression. Something I’ve tried to shield them from, but the inevitable is clear. It’s time they both realize how much of a shitty role model I am. As well as the dangers we now face as a family.
As the newly “stepped-down” Queen of South Shore, a very large target is still placed on both their heads. One I’ve warned Juice and Hot Rod about, as if they didn’t already know.
The response was Juice’s pinned eyebrows as if I think they’re slow, while Hot Rod glared at me in insinuation this isn’t his first rodeo.
I got a hot shower before Hot Rod entered the room, handed me his cell, and promptly left, which could only mean one thing: someone was on the other end.
Sure as shit, Levi didn’t even wait for me to greet him. His mouth began to move, going a hundred miles an hour, and he is so fucking pissed I’m surprised he hasn’t left his hiding spot to come thrash me himself.
“How long did you think you were going to be able to hide this from me?” he clips out for the third time when I didn’t respond to the first two.
In my defense, he really hasn’t stopped talking.
Levi has been non-stop with how reckless and shady I’ve been. He doesn’t know if I can handle the responsibility of queen, and he’s rethinking this whole damn idea of his fake death.
“We’re done.”
My stomach drops at his words, and I can barely manage a response.
It’s fair.
My motor functions cease to exist as my towel drops to the floor, and I remain still, waiting for his next vicious commentary to rock my whole world.
“I’m coming back,” he says tersely. “You can’t do this alone.”
Relief immediately floods me, and I realize how awful of a fucking communicator Levi is sometimes.
I mean, same, but fuck me, dude…it felt like we were breaking up for real, for real.
“I can,” I retort evenly. “You don’t?—”
“You can’t .”
“ Why ? Just because I got fuckin’ pregnant? Newsflash, I’m not anymore.”
“Astor—”
“You can be mad,” I retort, making sure to keep my voice low. “But you made this call. Now, we have to finish it out. This was a speed bump.”
“You were almost murdered at Mae’s fuckin’ school. That’s not a fuckin’ speed bump. That’s eternity .”
“Then maybe you should speak to The Nameless because how did he get there? I didn’t purposely walk into a room knowing my ex was in there.”
“He got there way before you fuckin’ did,” he carps back angrily. “I’ve already laid into Rod and Juice. You don’t go anywhere?—”
“Oh, fuck that,” I leer between clenched teeth. “I can’t stay in this room another minute.”
“You do know that being Queen of South Shore means—Oh, wait. You gave my shit to Torin fuckin’ Wildes!”
Welp. I knew that shit was coming.
“Are you out of your fucking mind?” he grinds out in this low voice that has goosebumps crawling away from the sound of it. “Of all motherfuckin’ people, Bay…you gave away the shit I gave you?—”
“One person can’t have two seats.”
“Then Ramsey couldn’t have called you out .”
“He can’t take The Landings,” I retort evenly. “We both know that.”
“I would’ve handled it.”
“You’re not here .”
“Do you honestly think I’m going to let you do this?” he rebukes sharply. “That I’m going to let you play Russian fuckin’ Roulette like this it’s some sort of make-believe game? Men die in this bullshit, and Roger would fucking kill me if something happened to you.”
It’s done.
However, I don’t say that.
No need to add more fuel to the fire that’s already consuming my best friend.
“Bay…” My name is called out in a softer tone, but I can still feel his irritation on the other side. “Don’t think I haven’t already beaten myself up over what happened. There can’t be any weak spots. I can’t function when I know you’re with a target on your head. When I’m healing from this bullshit, and you just lost?—”
“Calm down,” I cut in softly. “You didn’t ask for this. You can’t change it.”
“This was a bad idea. Without me, he’s getting more reckless.”
I know.
But he can’t do anything about it now. The best thing is for him to lay low and be what he was supposed to be.
A ghost who comes back to kill.
“Lay low,” I order. “This was a fluke.”
“Flukes get you killed.”
“You’re not God, Levi.”
“I will be when I smite Baby Wildes off my damn chair.”
“Juice and Hot Rod have him on a leash. And Torin knows what this is. He’s less of a proxy than I was. They won’t let him make any moves without my approval. They promised me.”
Levi grunts, and I’m not entirely sure if it’s a dismissal or the simple truth that he hates this. “I fought the prick once before for my seat, remember?”
“Peer Pressure Point. First person to bail lost. Rebel Without a Cause shit. I remember.”
“And you handed it to him without receiving something back.”
“I know what I’m doing. I’d never put South Shore at risk.”
“You could’ve thrown Ozzy on.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. Besides, I knew Torin wouldn’t feel warm and fuzzy taking it. And the boys already have his number. They’ll watch him like a hawk.”
“I don’t like it.”
“You don’t have to. But it still makes you look dead, doesn’t it? And Rod told me not to put them on. So, why’s that?”
Levi grumbles something under his breath, then says, “They’re on some stupid bullshit about feeling weird about it. Rod won’t touch it with a ten-foot pole, and he knows you have pull with being Roger’s daughter. No matter if you are or aren’t the Queen of South Shore. You never needed a title. The town will follow you everywhere. And Juice won’t leave my side for more than five seconds because he has some weird obsession with my safety.”
“Then I chose the next best option.”
“I wouldn’t say best , Astor.”
“I would want them both by you anyway. It makes me feel better.”
“What would make me feel better is you not being anywhere near a Titan fight.”
I nod. “I know. That’s the plan. I’m not trying to play martyr, Lev. Ramsey can’t sit on The Landing’s seat. If he does, he has power. If he does, he’ll try more shit?—”
“He already will because he’s a fuckin’ twat.”
“Would you rather him have the seat or not?”
Levi grunts. “Of course, I don’t want him to have the seat. But I don’t want you to be the main object of his focus. And you are, Astor.”
“I promised I’d stay safe. I meant it.”
“I know you did. I just don’t know how long I can do this…this whole being away from you when you’re out there.”
“You’re my wild card, remember? I’m going to be alright.”
“Are you?” I don’t answer the question because the answer doesn’t mindlessly come. “You don’t have to be a hardass right now.”
“Don’t I?” I shift on my bed. “I can’t afford to be anything else, or I’ll lose my mind.”
“Please don’t. Last time you did that, you killed a bitch.”
I glance over at the wall for no apparent reason other than I don’t know the full story. “Tell me what happened…between the two of you.”
“Not much from my end.” He sighs. “I thought it was inncent flirting. It’s what she’s always done, so I didn’t think much of it. That turned into subtle hints of fucking, and I thought she was fucking with me. She—uh…caught me at a party about a year back. I was fucked up on tequila and weed when she cornered me in the bathroom. Again, I didn’t think too much of it other than her being annoying.”
My nostrils flare off pure jealousy and the fact I didn’t know. “She try to get you to fuck her?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“And nothing happened.”
“Rewind, Levi,” I grind out. “Because I heard more than that.”
“I bet you did because it wasn’t the first time. But she threw some time in between each so that I didn’t lose my shit.”
“Like?”
“A few races, she tried to rub up on my cock. Another party, she reminded me you were fucking Torin Wildes. Told me in great detail how you were low-key about it, but she could see you glowing.”
Stupid fucking bitch.
“Let’s just say…” Levi imparts gruffly. “I was pissed.”
My stomach drops. “Which led you to do what?”
“Fucking a redhead against a brick building so I could get you out of my mind.”
I hate the goddamn honesty.
But, once again, we had a line. We broke through the line. However, it’s still a foggy and barely spoken about subject.
“I told Nessa I wasn’t going to fuck her.” Levi continues on his own. “Not only would I not do that to you, but we both know she isn’t my type.”
“She’s ratchet enough.”
“She’s not you enough,” he drones evenly. “There’s no faking it, Astor. I belonged to you in a world that only gave me that fate and option. I’d fuck to get off, but there’s no woman I’ve wanted as much as I crave you. It didn’t matter how many stupid assholes you let inside…you were always going to be mine. It was just a matter of when and how hard you were going to fight me on it.”
My pulse vibrates in tandem with his words. The way he was and is so sure. “And if I fought?”
“I don’t see you fighting.” His voice sounds closer then, sending a delirious buzz through my body. “I told Nessa to get fucked, and I was never giving you up. It didn’t matter how she felt about it, what she didn’t want to come of it…you are every star in my sky, and I wasn’t going to fuck your friend to sway shit otherwise. I didn’t want her. I wanted you. And that’s all I’ve seen for as long as I can remember.”
“Why didn’t you stop me from dating Matteo?”
“You don’t remember all the fights we had?”
“I do, I just?—”
“Some lessons can’t be taught, Astor. You hid him hitting you for years. You kept it from me. I swear, I had an inkling, but you covered it so I wouldn’t kill him, didn’t you?”
I swallow. “At the time…yeah.”
“And when you broke up with him?”
“You were there.”
“The only reason he’s not dead, Astor, is because Roger gave me strict orders to stand down. Said he’d handle it. But your bitch of an ex knows how to stay in the dark. There’s only one time Roger allowed me off my leash to get to him, and I killed six of his guys and burned his little house down.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you I failed?” He scoffs a little. “I’ve failed you enough, don’t you think?”
I frown. “No, you haven’t.”
“I have. In a lot of ways. I told you to get involved with the Forsaken Boys to play a game. I threw my girl out to make choices I didn’t think you’d have to make, and then you got knocked up by one of them. I practically whored you out. I gave up my best friend for the sake of a town we should’ve left already.”
“Lev, I agreed to help you. To take Emilio down?—”
“I didn’t have to give you up. I could’ve found another way.”
“I was the best option. It was our only play.”
“No,” he sneers on the other end. “I could’ve found another way. Not you. I fucked you up. I did all this to you, Astor. Open your fucking eyes?—”
“I would’ve fallen for them, regardless,” I clip back, frustration filling every nerve end in me. “Torin was around before. Reeve…it’s hard not to like him. Cairo, don’t fucking get me started, and…” I stop at Ozzy because I think the man has me wrapped around his damn finger, and I’m not ready to dissect that yet. “Levi…not one day has gone by when I blamed you. Don’t do it to yourself. I’m not your whore. I’m not even your side piece. I’m your best friend and the best thing you’ve ever had.”
His chuckle starts but breaks midway. It won’t be an overnight thing, but I need him to stop blaming himself for things that have been done.
“I’m going to try to end this as soon as I can. You’ve already lost enough… I don’t want you to lose anymore.”
“It’s not your fault, Levi.”
“It feels like it.”
“It’s not,” I retort softly. “I should’ve told you about the baby…”
“When?” he emits. “We’ve barely gotten to speak other than South Shore shit and what I’ve needed you to do for me. Then I…” He clears his throat, almost sounding nervous. “I need you to come see me.”
“Tell me how and when. I’ll be there.”
“You would, wouldn’t you, Astor?” he mumbles. “You’re too good for me.”
I scoff lightly with a roll of my eyes. “I’m a pain in the ass to you. Always have been. Always will be.”
“I happen to like your ass. Hence the cheeseburgers.”
“Was that your plan?”
“It worked, didn’t it? Maybe you should keep a nice distance from me. I can’t touch you the way I want to.”
My heart rate accelerates. “Why?”
“Because you just lost a child. Isn’t there a rule on fucking?”
I can feel heat flush across my face, and I’m so thankful he’s not in the same room. “I haven’t looked.”
“Please don’t. I might break it.” My lips part, but I don’t have a chance to say anything when Levi says, “Did Baby Wildes tell you what he has?”
I shake my head with a shaky breath because weird change of subject. “No.”
“Good, I can ruin something for him. They have him. In a warehouse off Whitebeard Pointe.”
“Who?”
“Matteo.”
There’s no fucking way.
Zero.
Matteo does not get caught.
“All locked up and imprisoned, Astor,” Levi confirms matter-of-factly. “I’m debating on just coming out of the dark and handling?—”
“ Torin has him?” My gaze flies to my bedroom door because I know he’s out there.
Believe it or not, he’s the quietest.
Cairo lightly bangs pots and pans in the kitchen, making meals and fuck knows what else.
Ozzy paces the hallway.
Even though his steps are light and barely audible, I still know he’s there. Sometimes the doorknob even turns just a little before slowly releasing it back. While other times I’d want him just to come in here and stop torturing himself, I’ve been grateful for the space. My so-called hubby only enters when Cairo sends him on a run to drop my breakfast, lunch, or dinner off, giving him something to do and a chance to see me.
However, each meal goes back untouched.
Except yesterday when Oz apparently had enough and ordered me to eat .
I did.
A little.
“I want him, Astor,” Levi claims evenly. “I’m not going to let Wildes have all the fun. He took a shot at both of us. I think that deserves a little reunion.”
“You’re just looking for a reason to come out.”
“Amongst other things.”
“Something…doesn’t feel right. There’s no way he got caught like that.”
“Are you doubting your boy?” Levi’s shitty attitude doesn’t hit where he wants it to because I’m too exhausted to care.
“Don’t move yet,” I emit. “If we just went through all this trouble…let me make sure this isn’t some fucked-up joke. Stay where you are.”
“He just tried to kill you, Astor.”
“Fully aware.”
“And he just about killed me. ”
“Levi, shut the fuck up,” I grind out. “Let me think.” He remains silent, giving me the respite of peace I need because all of this…it makes zero sense. “ Don’t move . Trust me on this. I’ll let you have your shot. This—Matteo doesn’t get caught. He wouldn’t have put himself in a situation to get caught.”
“You think it’s a set-up.” It’s not a question, but a comment. One that sends goosebumps all over my skin. “Astor…”
“Mhm?”
“Safety first. De Leon second. Or I’m going to do something really stupid.”
“Okay.”
“I need to go,” he whispers. “I’ll get to you soon.”
My lips part to tell him to be safe, but he hangs up the phone, and he’s suddenly gone.
Dropping the phone from my ear in disappointment, I glimpse up at the back of my bedroom door. The boys have their babysitting duties down to a science now. They don’t think I know what they’ve been doing, but I do.
Ellie has told me all about it, confirming the voices outside, the times, everything.
It’s midday.
Torin is here.
And Pretty Boy is going to tell me everything he knows and has done.
Quickly getting dressed, I opt for a pair of cotton shorts and a white crop top with the word Cocky AF on the front.
It takes a few inhales to get myself ready to face him.
Torin Wildes still throws me for a fucking loop every time we share the same space. It’s a mixture of apprehension, irritation, betrayal, and a deep-seated need to strangle him.
Then there’s the whole caring part.
Which I ignore on the way out of my bedroom door because fuck that a hundred times over.
Padding down the hallway barefoot, I find Torin sitting on the sectional couch, legs crossed with a book in his lap. His back is to me, so I’m able to stare at him for a moment, uninterrupted, when I notice Kona and Koda lying on the floor together, staring up at me, but they don’t come to greet me.
I don’t understand why we bother, to be honest.
Normally, bad breakups and sellouts would be terms of treason in our world. However, neither of us can fully fuck off the other.
I’m on an entirely different level with Torin than I am with anyone else, even Levi. When the whole drive-by went down, I still felt him. I knew his stubbornness would pump through his veins and stay here to annoy me again.
With the way Cairo wasn’t bothered, it made perfect sense to me.
Levi, no matter how hard he tries, can’t fully ring me in. Torin can’t either. However, he understands my level of hardball because he plays in the same league.
It’s like going up against yourself.
Just in male form.
“Did you need something, Wildfire?” His voice is this deep octave that hints he hasn’t spoken in a while and may need to clear his throat.
However, Torin doesn’t turn around to look at me, giving me the peace I need to walk through my own house.
If you want to call it that.
“No,” I deadpan, even though I want to ask him where he has Matteo, what condition he’s in, what has he done already, and so on and so forth.
However, I’m not supposed to know that information yet.
So I remain silent.
“Did you need some aspirin?”
That’d be sweet if I didn’t want to take the lamp next to his head and bang him upside it with said object.
“I’m fine.”
Torin snaps his fingers, and Kona and Koda both rise to their feet, prancing over with all their damn furry cuteness. I’m unable to not pet them, running my fingers through their fur and receiving licks in return.
My thoughts run to how they would protect a baby. Having little feet hitting the hardwood floors. Little coos and chuckles filling the house while Ellie and Mae love up on them.
You don’t deserve that sort of happiness.
You murdered Nessa, and now you want a child?
Mindlessly, I step away from Torin’s dogs. The Karma that just battered me upside the head reminds me how much of a bitch it is because it’s true.
Why should I have something when all I’ve done is take and destroy?
My throat tightly closes up as I feel my heartbeat increase at a rapid pace with my breathing.
I killed someone else.
I did all this.
My palm falls to my empty belly while nausea works its way up my throat. I can’t think of anything else but the severe cramping and the white-haired doctor barking out orders to help with all the blood.
“She’s losing the baby, Meredith. Get me more towels. ”
Towels.
The remnants of my child—where is he or she? How big was it? How far along was I? Was it a little bean or—I don’t know. I never looked that shit up.
I just remember the scream that ripped through my lips because something else was taken from me.
I didn’t feel anything but cold and unworthy.
Undeserving.
Guilty.
“Bay, you’re white as a sheet,” Pretty Boy’s voice says through my blurred vision. “Let’s get you into bed.”
I don’t want to. I want air.
But the bile in my gut says otherwise as I spin on my heels and rush blindly to the bathroom.