16. MATT
16
MATT
I don’t know why I linger at the cinema room door. Maybe it’s because the two of them look so peaceful, curled up on the big chair like that. Maybe it’s because I want to have that with someone.
Fuck . I don’t even have that with my kids, and I certainly don’t have the companionship of a partner now. Not that I ever really had it with Gemma. I think we hated each other from the very beginning, and we wasted over a decade of our lives struggling to make something work that never, ever would.
I’ve spent so much of my life feeling trapped by other people’s desires and expectations that I don’t know how to live without them. Always trying to do the right fucking thing. Be a decent man. Be someone my mother could be proud of because she never had that in my father.
I married Gemma because I couldn’t face telling my mother I was having a kid with a woman I hardly knew. And I wanted to give my child stability. I failed there. We both did. Our home has never been stable. I don’t even want to think about the impact our constant fighting, our unending unhappiness, had on Charlie as a child. Even Lucie has already witnessed too much.
For a long time, I thought we could make it work… I thought the angry, passionate sex we had might be enough. But it never was, and I was as alone while it was happening as I was when it was over. I don’t want that again. I never want that.
I stand in the doorway, willing Aries to turn and look at me. Maybe if she looks round, she might forgive me for yelling at her.
I don’t even know that I want forgiveness.
I don’t know what I want from this woman, but I know it’s… something . Whatever it is, a very deep part of me is afraid I will never get it.
When the fuck have I ever got what I wanted?
It’s ironic that my father used to say it all the time. Hawkston men always get what they want. It was his mantra, and it’s proved true for Nico. Every time I see how he looks at Kate, it pains me. He adores that woman, and she loves him just as much.
I’m happy for him, truly. But why does he get that and I get… this ? A broken home, a daughter who loves the new nanny more than she loves me, and a teenage son I can’t communicate with.
I need space. I need to get the fuck out of the house. I make my way to the basement car park and get into the McLaren. But before I start the engine, I hear tapping. I look up to find Mrs Minter stooping to peer in at me through the window, which I roll down.
“Shall I start the search for a new nanny?” she asks.
My heart stutters, knocked off its normal rhythm. “Why? Has Aries spoken to you? Did she hand in her notice?”
Mrs Minter shakes her head. “No. But I heard you talking to her earlier. If you want me to let her go, I can deal with it. It’s my responsibility if it’s not working out. I thought she was just what we needed, but maybe I was wrong. There’s no reason for you to have that stress on top of everything else. I can find a replacement from one of the agencies in a couple of days.”
I frown, gripping the steering wheel with both hands. “No. Don’t do that.”
Mrs Minter’s about to speak again when I roll up the window and start the engine, revving it unnecessarily loud. She backs away, looking only mildly put out at my abruptness.
I drive around town for hours with no aim. I make pointless business calls from the car and meaningless arrangements for next week. I check in with both my brothers, which is unusual behaviour on my part, although neither of them call me out on it.
When there are no more excuses to stay out of the house, I head for home. It’s almost seven. Lucie will be going to bed soon. I ought to be there before she falls asleep. I’m avoiding my own child, and I don’t know why.
My thoughts turn to Aries. Her face when I shouted at her… how fired up she looked at first, and that moment of tenderness when she put her hand on my arm. But the light in her eyes died as I wore her down, and refused to let her in.
I mentally run through the events of the day, from the moment I overheard Gemma abusing Aries at the picnic. Insinuating that I was sleeping with her.
At the moment, I still have the moral high ground. I haven’t touched Aries, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Even before I interrupted her and Gemma talking, I’d been watching her. That long glossy hair falling either side of the pale column of her neck, shimmering over her shoulders like fire. I wanted nothing more than to grab it and force her to her knees.
I shake my head. So fucking wrong to have those thoughts, then and now.
When I get into the house, I head to my office. There are a couple of emails I need to draft and send before the end of the day. But when I enter the room, the first thing I see on my desk is a mobile phone. The phone I gave Aries.
I immediately remember the words I spoke to her in this very room when I gave it to her.
If you don’t want to keep it after you leave this role, you can leave it here.
Fuck . My thoughts spin. Has she gone? Did Mrs Minter speak to her without my approval? Or did Aries leave of her own volition?
I’ve fucked up.
I grab the phone and rush up the stairs to Lucie’s bedroom. If Aries is still here, she’ll be doing the bedtime routine. I have to tell her not to leave. I can’t let her go. I don’t even want to look at why I know this for certain, but I do.
As I near the bedroom, I can hear low voices. Hope sparks in my chest like an ignition being started. She’s still here. I linger outside the door—something I seem to be doing a lot of today—and listen.
“Tell me again,” Lucie says.
I press the door open a fraction so I can get a view of them. Aries is kneeling at the side of Lucie’s bed. The warm yellow of her bedside lamp illuminates their faces. Lucie’s tucked up, clasping Aries’ hand on top of the covers.
Aries begins to recount the events of the day in a soothing tone. She goes through the details of what happened when Lucie fell into the water.
“And then Daddy jumped into the river and grabbed you,” Aries says. “He pulled you out and held you in his arms.”
“And you took me to the car.”
“Yes.”
“And Daddy didn’t speak all the way home.”
This bit surprises me. I wasn’t sure Lucie had noticed; she’d been so drowsy.
Aries pauses. “He was quiet because he was worried about you.”
Lucie’s lips pucker, eyebrows drawing together. Her thinking face. “Does he hate you?”
Aries stiffens. “Why do you ask?”
“I heard him shouting at you.” There’s a pause. Long enough that Aries should speak, but she doesn’t. “He used to shout at Mummy. He hates her.”
“Oh. Honey. I’m sorry. I don’t think he hates me. I think he was upset. Sometimes grown ups get upset and they don’t know what else to do but shout. Mostly, they do it when they can’t handle how they’re feeling inside.”
Ouch .
“I don’t like it when Daddy shouts.”
Aries strokes Lucie’s forehead with the tips of her fingers. Lucie’s eyelids grow heavier. “Does it scare you?”
Lucie pulls the covers right up to her chin, and the movement of the sheets tells me she’s nodding, her eyes wide over the brightly coloured cotton print.
“No one’s going to shout now, honey,” Aries says. “Everything’s all right.”
Lucie mumbles something, then turns over. A few moments pass before Aries gets to her feet and switches off the light.
I should move from the doorway, but I don’t. I’m standing in the shadows, frozen to the spot. Aries hasn’t seen me. She turns back to look at Lucie, then opens the door.
She’s still looking the other way when she takes the final step and slams against me. It takes her a fraction of a second to realise what’s going on. Her hands push against my chest. She feels small and fragile, and her hair smells like coconut.
She squeals and steps back, but not before I’ve caught her, my hands on her upper arms. Her body is warm, and I desperately want to close the gap between us, but I don’t dare move in case I scare her away.
She raises wide eyes to me. A little frightened, perhaps, and it pains me to see it. God, I’m a terrible human being.
“Shhh,” I whisper.
She stills in my grip, her palms resting on my body. My heartbeat surges under her hands, striking so hard against my ribcage that she must be able to feel it.
Electricity fills the air, like it’s seeping out of our pores.
Her face is so beautiful, it takes my breath away, even in the dim light of the darkened hall. I pull her away from Lucie’s bedroom, leading her further down the corridor.
“Don’t leave,” I beg, my voice a raspy whisper. “I don’t want you to leave.”
My hands are still cupping her upper arms, and her muscles tense beneath my fingers. I let go, but she doesn’t move.
This fragile proximity is a gift, and I want to savour it. And so, it seems, does she, because the seconds pass like hours as we stare at one another without moving. I’m so desperate not to lose her that I can hardly breathe.
“I wasn’t going to leave,” she whispers finally.
I can’t process this. I was so certain she was on her way out that her words provide no relief. “You left the phone on my desk. I thought that was you handing in your notice.”
My words must give her clarity because she chuckles at my confusion as though she understands something I don’t. It’s a quiet, seductive sound that slips through her full, pink lips. “That’s not what I meant. The phone’s broken. It was in my pocket when I jumped in the river. I’m so sorry. I’ve barely had it for a month and I’ve already broken it.”
“Oh.” I take a step back, feeling like an idiot. I jumped to conclusions and panicked for no good reason, and then I let her see it. I’m totally exposed out here.
I wait for her to laugh at me, but she doesn’t.
“I can take it to the repair shop,” she whispers. “I’m more than happy to deal with it. But I assumed you’d have insurance for it.”
“Stop talking about the damn phone.”
The harshness of my tone severs whatever connection we had only moments ago, and I could curse myself for it. Aries pulls herself upright, but even at full height, she’s still a head shorter than me. There’s a wariness in her gaze.
“What do you want to talk about?” she asks, and all the subtle softness in her tone is gone. “Why are you here? Do you want to discuss how you screamed at me earlier? How everyone in the house heard you? That your daughter heard you? She’s scared of you. You’re huge and terrifying, and when you shout like that, it’s frightening. Everyone’s walking on eggshells in case you lose your shit. I didn’t get it at first, but now I do. I completely understand why everyone in this house is half-afraid of you, including your own children.”
My body throbs with the embarrassment of being called out, my chest heating until I’m sure I’m sweating. I don’t get easily embarrassed; ordinarily, I’d be outraged at such directness from a member of staff, but because it’s Aries, I’m not, and the realisation is so surprising that it feels like some benevolent god has deigned to reach down and tweak my view of the world.
I’ve spent my working life yelling at employees. My brothers are constantly telling me there are other ways to do things, but it’s always worked for me. I might have a higher staff turnover than they do, except for the stalwart Mrs Minter and Alec, but there are a lot of people in the world. Everyone’s replaceable.
I grit my teeth; the apology sitting right there, heavy on my tongue. I’m so, so, sorry, Aries. Forgive me. Don’t leave me . “You didn’t listen to my instructions.”
Anger glints in Aries’ eyes. “And I’m sorry. I’m deeply, truly sorry that any harm came to Lucie. If you want me to leave, I will. But”—her gaze warms and a beat of silence pulses in the space between us—“it doesn’t seem like that’s what you want, or you wouldn’t have been hiding out here in the shadows waiting to tell me not to go.” Her voice is tentative, as though she needs me to confirm she’s right.
Every blood vessel in my chest feels like it’s constricting. There’s a weight against my ribcage, pressing down. Could the awkward tension in the air actually collapse my lungs? What is this woman doing to me?
“What do you want?” she whispers.
The question hangs in the air like the visual imprint of an exploded firework on a dark night. I absorb it, letting it roll around in my mind. I know what I want. She knows it too, I’m sure of it.
“I don’t like repeating myself.”
She nods. “Fine. But you need to be really clear on what you want to happen here, because this won’t work.” She waves a hand between us like there’s some definable relationship going on. Something that isn’t just temptation that’s fucking with both our heads. “You used me today, and I won’t stand for it.”
“Used you? What are you talking about?”
“When you wiped that caviar off my mouth. You did it for effect. You wanted your ex-wife to think you were sleeping with me, even though you aren’t. It was manipulative and cruel. To use me as a tool in your fucked up relationship with your ex isn’t fair. To look at me like that when it’s not real isn’t fair either.”
My heart gives a stupid, hard thud in my chest. “To look at you like what? How was I looking at you?”
I don’t know why I’m pushing this, but I need to hear her say it. To hear what she thought she saw. As I wait for her response, a pulsing sensation fills my arms, my legs, my fingertips… a surge of energy that only Aries could possibly discharge.
She lowers her gaze, then lifts it to meet mine, staring at me like she’s resentful I’m even asking. “Like I’m the only woman in the world you want.”
A beat of silence crackles in the air.
“You think that wasn’t real?”
She swallows and takes a breathy gasp before she speaks. “Was it?”
Fuck it. I’m done talking, and I’m done listening. I’ve pushed this moment right to the edge, to the fucking tipping point, and I’m ready to fall. I’m powerless to resist the pull between us. I don’t know what the hell comes next, but I want to kiss this woman. Every molecule in my body wants it; the impulse overrides every logical thought in my brain as I close the distance between us with one step. I bring one of my hands to the back of her neck, where the skin is warm and soft. The other slides to her waist, my fingers sinking into the flesh of her hip.
The tiniest, sexiest moan pours from between her lips, which I take as confirmation she wants this too. All her resistance vanishes, her body becoming soft, pliable, as I crush her against me, my mouth meeting hers, warm and eager and wet. Her lips are full, and her tongue dances against mine, soft like velvet. She sucks my bottom lip, then nips it with her teeth. The relief of finally kissing her is like the first sip of a cool drink on a hot day. Blissful, but leaving me desperate for more. Fuck , I want to swallow her entire mouth in one fucking go.
Her lips break from mine. “Is that a yes?”
I groan, unable to help myself, desperate to keep kissing her. “Fuck, yes.”
Her lips meet mine again, as her hands paw at my body, fingers fisting in my shirt. Her desperation turns me on, and arousal surges through me like a tidal wave as her breasts press against my chest.
Kissing Aries is like no other experience I’ve ever had. It’s the satiation of want and need that’s been building for weeks, and now that I’ve begun, I’m greedy for it. Allowing myself this much will ruin me because the wanting of her only expands with each touch of her skin, each stroke of her tongue against mine. It’s not enough, never could be enough. My body craves more of her with each passing moment. I want to meld into her and never let go.
She pulls back just enough to whisper against my mouth. “This kiss… this kiss …” Her voice is all amazement.
“I know,” I murmur, pressing my lips to hers again.
“Your lips,” she says. “Your mouth…”
I can’t help but laugh, my breath against her lips.
This kiss is everything I’ve ever wanted from a first kiss. It’s exactly how it should feel and how it has never felt with anyone before. Obliterating any negative feeling between us, transmuting it into something that makes my mind explode with possibility…
“This is better than being shouted at,” she whispers.
“God, yes. Sorry. Sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Forgive me. I need you to forgive me.” The words tumble out between kisses, and Aries eats them up.
“What do you think I’m doing?” Her lips are barely a hair’s breadth from mine, her voice full of a glorious wonder that warms my heart. This is all right. Everything is all right.
Her hands are on the back of my neck, then one trails up into my hair, tugging on it like she wants to cause me pain. If that’s what she intends, it doesn’t work; it only increases my pleasure.
If this is what kissing her is like, what is sex going to be like with this woman?
I run my hand up her thigh. She’s wearing those tiny pyjama shorts again; her skin is smooth and supple. I dig my fingers into her flesh and she responds by lifting her leg, hooking it on my hip.
Arousal and disbelief mingle in my head. Is this really happening? I want to hold her tighter to prove it’s real.
My cock is throbbing and rock solid, and in this position, it’s pressed right against the space between her legs. We’re separated by only a few layers of clothing, and I want nothing more than to strip them all away.
She moans against my mouth the moment she feels me there and rocks her hips against me, into me, like she wants to slide right onto me. It sends me into a heady spin and I kiss her again, devouring her.
A cry from further down the corridor crashes into my awareness. Aries hears it too, and she pushes off me, gasping for breath. She stumbles a little as she regains her footing.
Aries and I stare for a second. Her eyes are wild, like she can’t believe what just happened either.
The cry comes again. It’s Lucie, but the sound is full of sleep. She’s having a nightmare. I want to go to her, but I also don’t want to move. As soon as we move, this is over.
Aries is the first to dash towards Lucie’s room. I’m about to follow, but I hold myself back. Aries’ earlier words ring loud in my memory, and the recollection makes me grind my teeth.
She’s scared of you. You’re huge and terrifying, and when you shout like that it’s frightening .
Maybe Aries is better at this than I am. Maybe I really am failing both my children. Talk about a hard fucking comedown.